Okay, Well That Last Post Was a Piece Of Shit…Let’s Try Harder…Beware, However…This Does Not End Nicely

Perhaps it was rather crappy because I had just arisen from a nap and I needed to clear the cobwebs from my head. I think I still do.

In a rather hazy dream-like state, I think(?) I became aware of something. This is very difficult to blog about. Edit: and there were tears.

I am sort of regretting placing that personal ad. Sort of. On the one hand, I am desperately (well, perhaps that’s rather harsh) trying to reach out and meet people. But maybe the word isn’t so harsh as it is hard for me to do so. I really tend to isolate myself and it is difficult for me to be social–well perhaps not once I do finally meet the people. That’s just the hurdle–getting there. But it’s not just “meeting people.” It’s meeting women or perhaps “a woman.”

When ex-partner and I broke up, I thought I would need “time to heal” and all of that. That I would never consider myself able to handle another relationship, that I was “damaged goods”…on and on it went. Ironically, ex-partner made some rather off the cuff comment about, “the next time…” or when I was with someone else in the future. I just looked at her with an unamused, sarcastic expression. I can’t even remember if I verbally replied.

Well, look who’s back in the running? Who knows exactly how long it takes for one to heal from the end of one relationship to another? It’s different for all circumstances. I didn’t know how long this mourning period would take. It’s been…well, a little over two months since we ended our relationship and a little over a month since I moved out. That may seem rather brief but you have to remember that we were essentially living as friends or roommates for…wow…a long time. With no romantic feelings for such a huge period, that may shrink the mourning time and allow my heart to open up–or certainly a bit faster?

And yet, I still have my doubts. This is where I think the entire thing was a grand mistake. I mean, I really put it up as a joke. I never thought anyone would respond! D. has and maybe a couple of others. Some I would never take seriously.

I’ll be honest with you, I’ve freaked D. out. On a few levels. Well, what can I say…I am who I am and she respects that. But it’s got me thinking about the whole thing and whether it’s even a good idea at all. I’m very tempted just to yank the damn ad off the site. I’ve been feeling like this for a few days–really wrestling with it.

So what of my dream-like vision, or feeling rather? Well, it was strange. It was just such a strong and overwhelming urge for affection. It made me think about all of those ads and reading them…sex, sex, sex…at least in the one section. I mean, sex is great, for sure but…hmmm…well, it is possible to have both I suppose–sex and affection? That’s the ideal!

But when I woke up, I realized one very key thing. After feeling that extremely strong and intense desire to be held and cuddled by someone I woke up and knew that I am a very lonely person.

  1. I think depression and loneliness go hand in hand…even the people who have partners are often isolated by the condition.
    I find the depression either makes me unreachable, or makes me feel I can’t connect with people properly, or that people can’t understand me enough, or just plain drives people away.
    The mutability of my moods makes me a daunting person to spend any real time with. There is no ‘me’ as such, just a shifting current of personalities and moods. I am elusive, my opinions change with the wind, I am opinionated, shy, effusive, reclusive, insular, extrovert, internalised, emotional….often within a single day. How I feel about things, people, places, can change so rapidly and massively that I can barely keep up with myself, so nobody else has a chance.
    Affection is great…but then what happens when you just need to be alone…what kind of selfless saint does it take to co-exist with a depressive? It’s a tall order…
    i feel alone mostly because I feel that whatever I do or try, in the end there is nobody who can both keep me interested, and put up with me.


  2. Hi, gloomy…how appropriate you would pop by just when Dead Can Dance is playing as my iTunes selection…and if you would like to know it’s equally appropriate as “Anywhere Out Of The World” is the song. And no, I didn’t choose it, I swear! It’s on Shuffle!

    Wow, you completely nailed some things. And you know, it’s not just that way with Depression…it can occur with Bipolar as well. But we’re just sort of talking about the loneliness aspect with a depressive mood state, right?

    Now, I think all humans can experience this (the mutability of moods) but it’s again more variable with people who suffer with any illness like Depression or Bipolar.

    I mean, nothing is static so when you say there is no “me” as you put it, well, a lot of things go into making up a person–different characteristics and traits–so I think a certain degree of change in emotion is appropriate. It’s just how much change? But I definitely hear you. I’ve kind of been changing like the wind myself these days and I can’t quite get a handle on it as it’s not quite…well, I won’t say the “norm” but I have had periods where I haven’t been quite so “variable” shall we say?

    As far as affection goes, I wasn’t saying all the time, non-stop, 24/7. I know that is not realistic. Of course people need their alone time.

    I would like to think that there are people who can live with a Depressive or someone with Bipolar. In fact, I’ve had two of them for fairly long periods, however, I didn’t love them romantically so the relationships could not work. But they loved me! So that’s got to count for something!

    Yes, I agree with you that you need to find someone that can indeed engage you and “put up with you.” Well, not *you* personally but well…”put up with us?” And engage us? I share that sentiment.

    But you know, we really shouldn’t do ourselves a great disservice of saying that we’re all that hard to put up with? I mean, let’s let the other parties decide? Because if you do go in and say “Well, we’re all disastrous and no one wants us because we’re all big pieces of shit etc…” well, it could almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I don’t know…just trying to turn things around and be glass half full girl now.


  3. I’m in a ‘its all pointless’ mood today. Just a light one. Nothing too bad. Won’t’ stop me trying.


  4. Hi TWIN!…honestly…if we were the same age I would seriously think you were the brother that my mother (potentially) miscarried while she was still pregnant with me!

    You’re right about being in the same room! Yes, the space time continuum would…oh what the hell did you say…I’m so tired…well it would do whatever you said and I also think the universe as we know it would shatter into tiny irretrievable bits!

    Yes, I’m feeling rather maudlin but I’m okay too. I’m not giving up either. I can’t afford to. There are millions of lives at stake! Well okay, maybe just one–mine–but it’s still worth fighting for, aye?

    PA will find love! Despite her Vulcan tendencies (and messed up head) she still has her little idealistic/romantic side.


  5. Princess Aura: Look! Water is leaking from her eyes.
    The Emperor Ming: It’s what they call tears, it’s a sign of their weakness.


  6. Yeah, loneliness is an issue for me, too. I think part of the problem is that people with depression/bipolar tend to be particularly vulnerable in terms of rejection. Rejection’s bad enough without your brain trying to convince you that you deserve it.

    I can only speak for myself, but I think a lot of people with these kinds of problems tend to automatically distance themselves from people. If you don’t really put your emotions on the line you can’t be hurt, but without genuine emotional contact you end up lonely. Because it’s not intentional, it can be difficult actually responding to other people with appropriate emotion.

    I’m not sure if this next part is more to do with me than depression/bipolar, but I know I’m capable of going through entire relationships faking all the feelings and behaviours that would be expected, but without ever actually letting myself feel anything. It’s pretty much a zero risk strategy, but is ultimately kind of pointless.


  7. sodajerk

    Rejection is a total bastard.i think that is why i do not even try for relationships.i may regret it one day,but i know i would be looking for the razor blades if one ended badly,so kinda lookin out for my self.
    i may be missing out on meeting my soul; mate…..but better that than another visit to A+ E(hospital)with blood pulsing out of my upper arm,after going a bit deeper than i had intended.
    was pretty minor in retrospect(no stitches required)but it seemed pretty bad at the time.
    being alonse ia another of these wierd things that is worse when you are low.

    i like/need a lot of time by myself.and when i want to be around folk,i want pals not the general public.a bit misanthropic ,i must be honest

    you can be alone in a crowd,or be alone and not lonely(oooooh,get him.)


  8. Aw, gloomy, tears are okay…not a sign of weakness. As PA has often said, she wishes she could cry more!

    Hi, chimpy. I think you are bang on re: people with Depression and Bipolar and rejection issues. We can tend to blame ourselves a little too much and judge ourselves too harshly. It’s something that we probably need to work on a little bit but it is difficult.

    Interesting what you said about responding to people. I read on someone else’s blog last night about this issue and I think I tend to work in the opposite direction? I just tend to let it all out! I’m not quite sure. I may have a tendency to withdraw, however, as well…sometimes I confuse myself! I think it might depend upon the person and situation.

    Your last paragraph rings perhaps true as well but again, depending upon person and situation? But…again, it’s hard for me to say. I guess I am thinking about my last relationship and ex-partner recently defended me to a friend of hers and said that I never lied to her. True. I never did. Emotionally, I don’t think I ever “played her” or faked anything. PA is way too honest for that and if you know her well you can see right through. She doesn’t have a “poker face”–she has tells for sure. Anyway, it was nice to hear ex-partner speak so favourably of me.

    Hey sodajerk, I didn’t think this post would garner so many responses…kinda sad all the lonely souls out there? Sorry, not meaning to poke fun…if anything just trying to lighten the mood for us all.

    You mentioned “soul mates.” I don’t believe in that concept. I think there are far too many people in the world to find “The One.” It doesn’t make sense to me and I think people are far too complicated for that. They have far too many differences if that makes sense?

    Yes, I know rejection can be hard. It can really hurt. I guess when we’re all in a better state and feeling more stable it is better to handle, however.

    I understand the concept as well about being alone and not being lonely. I’ve been there. I just don’t know the hell is wrong with me at the moment! Or quite certainly what the hell was wrong with me yesterday! Good lord! I am doing much better today.

    I have been rather adrift at sea for a while, though. I do like the water but when the waves are a bit calmer? Sometimes the wild ride among the tides can be fun but I think I need to get back to dry land.


  9. sodajerk

    i think all we can do is surf the waves of our moods as best we can………..if we need prescription meds,or alkyhol,or drugs or self harm or whatever…………we are all just trying to get thru the day as best we can.

    sometimes we will go to far with anyone of these coping mechanisms…..if we cannot pull back………that brings a whole new set of problems.


  10. Hi sodajerk, true, a lot of the times there is nothing you can do but ride it out. One of things that a friend of mine (who seems to have gone AWOL *PA silently gets a little hurt and angry*) always said, “Be gentle with yourself.” It really is the best thing you can do when you’re in mood hell. I however am really trying to get away from the alcohol and self-harm business. When I’m stable on meds and doing well, life is coasting along fine, I seem to do much better in those areas.

    Someone sent me an article about a hospital in the UK that actually engages in a program that is sort of like “self-harm harm reduction.” I found it rather curious as I had never heard of anything like it before…hang on, let me dash off and find the link…I know I’ve got it somewhere…

    Okay, and it looks like the link is still live too:


    Again, rather interesting. Nothing like that over here! All sharps confiscated for sure. Even where I was, in the “Mental Health Palace.”


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