Archive for May, 2007

I saw Erasure a while ago. Andy looked fabulous for being HIV+ for quite some time. Boundless energy on stage. Vince is not gay. I’ve followed him since his early days with Depeche Mode, then on to Yaz/Yazoo and finally Erasure.

So in honour of P. and “The Gay Squad” in hospital…this is a great song.

I came across this term from, I believe the first time Trust Me, I’m A Mental Doctor. She has blogrolled me but still has me under my Blogger url. But no matter. Or maybe I’ve read or heard of the term elsewhere in the blosphere. Or hell…I could have made it up myself but truly there is no original thought? No one has ever thought something that has never been an idea that another person thought throughout time or has imagined themselves? Sorry, slipping back into some uni. history/philosophical debates.

P.’s episode sent me reeling. I took my “sleepy meds” and thought about going to bed but I headed off to (that damn) pub. I thought it would be better as it was a Sunday evening and it was. It was quiet, not a lot of people and they even had the gas fireplace on. I tried to stare at the flames but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t “real.” I lost interest.

I met “a member of my tribe.” This was always a bit of a joke with ex-partner and I. I didn’t mean another Jew (although I am not Jewish–I surely could be after being to enough Seders etc…) It met another person who was gay. He was very nice.

My gaydar must have been really off. The adidas track jacket (late 70s–early 80s, PA has one, ha) should have been a dead giveaway. But there was a reason for that. PA likes do science experiments on her brain. As said above, I took my meds before going out. I have never done that before and drank. Well, not that she can remember. No, usually come home and take meds.

Well, I didn’t get plastered but I did get rather inebriated quite quickly and my motor function wasn’t prime. I became quite repeititve in my speech but I found it at least interesting that I was aware enough to notice it? Usually when I’m really drunk the more sober of the group (such as ex-partner) tell me that I keep repeating myself ad nauseum. Is that a bad thing? Annoying? Well, if it’s a good point to make, why not keep repeating it just to reinforce it, right *grin*

Unfortunately, my new gay friend departed. I told him I had a blog and and he wanted to know where he could find it before he left. I’m sorry, it’s scary enough that D. is reading it. Even my “friends” that know of it don’t read it and having D. read it that is a “virtual” stranger is more than enough. When he left, he didn’t ask about it. Whew!

He spoke of being on Effexor for depression and anxiety (again, PA always finds/attracts fellow nutters while cavorting about…) but they never got to finish the conversation about his weaning off the med and how to do it with a gentle method. PA has done this several times with this, apologies: evil med.

I’m sorry, but both Paxil and Effexor have (or can have) terrible discontinuation syndromes. I’ve never been on Paxil but I have had to deal Effexor several times…oh dear. The “trick” is, when you get down to a lower dose and it may be really killing you, take a small dose of Prozac over a few days. It tricks your brain into thinking that your Serotonin levels are still balanced and it basically gets you through the really bad times. It works, trust me.

So when you’re feeling like you’re basically quitting heroin, your brain is mashed potatoes or scrambled eggs being thrown against a brick wall, your moods are fluctuating into bits, complete shards of unidentifiable shrapnel, when you are going off Effexor–just take a tiny bit of Prozac and it will make the transition easier. But again, usually done at the end of the taper.

P. called me from the ward tonight. I haven’t talked to anyone since I was released–well, apart from when I went back for the outpatient appointment. It’s not that I haven’t thought of anyone there. They were (and are) all such great people. I guess I’ve just been busy sorting out all of my own affairs.

So we chatted about what I had been up to and I gave him the basics. Then he told me what he had done. He went AWOL from the hospital, rented a high priced hotel room as he had never had a chance to stay there and overdosed. I won’t tell you how he did it, with what or any other details as again, this isn’t a suicide information blog but it was enough to end him up in the ICU…again. And yes, generally overdoses do not work but P.’s suicidal ideation is very bad.

We had talked about suicide quite a bit during my stay there. The debates, the pros, the cons, the studies done and stories from families of survivors and those who spoke about failed attempts who do in fact state that they are so glad that they did not succeed.

He ended up calling the hotel’s security who then called the paramedics/EMS. I told him that I was so proud of him for what he did. He said he wasn’t sure if he did in fact do the right thing. I assured him that yes, hell yes, he did! I told him that he needs to be on this earth. He is a fantastic person and he has so much to offer and he needs to be here.

PA is crying right now. She feels sick and her stomach is in knots.

Shit, my current iTunes selection isn’t helping! Or maybe it is…*laughing*…tears are alright, I guess, especially under these circumstances?

Wow, PA has been crying a fair bit lately. Or certainly a fair bit more than she normally does! That may be a good thing too.

Anyway, the most important thing is that P. is alright and he is again, still on this planet.

Again, I would like to take the opportunity to apologize to everyone for scaring the crap out of them when I sort of went AWOL on my blog and ended up admitting myself and no one knew where I was and feared the worst. The worst didn’t happen as you all know. PA didn’t “do” anything to herself. Thank goodness there was a computer there so I could let you all know, right?

So for anyone, everyone out there who has thoughts of suicide, who battles it, and it gets really bad–to the point where the thoughts become dangerous–please try and do what I did. Call 911 or your local Emergency Services Number, Crisis Line, a friend or family member or just waltz right in through the hospital’s doors. Or if you do make an attempt, do what P. did and intervene on your own behalf. I’ve done the same and after it’s over and you come out through the other side, you’ll be happy that you did. Try to remember it’s the pain that you want to end, not your life.

So I think I’ve figured out the answer. And it isn’t 42. Although it starts with the same letter…but I’ll get to that. And no, I’m not a tease. I just like to add a little bit of anticipation to my posts. It ensures that you read all of the content?

I’ve been getting some good sleep lately. Well, for the last couple of days at least. That has been excellent. I may start missing that when I go back to work but maybe I’ll just have to start going to bed a bit earlier. I have been staying up later.

I’ve also been trying to work some things out in my head. As you all know, I’ve been going through a lot and have been for some time. I’m not sure why but I sometimes like to take on a lot in life. Maybe it’s because I always have, I still think I can…maybe I still can but after the Bipolar hit (and more importantly the first major Depressive crash) did something change? I’m pretty sure it did and for anyone else out there dealing with and coping with any chronic illnesses, be they mental or physical you need to learn to adapt.

Anyway, my brain reached a sort of critical mass in April which necessitated a hospital stay but I fear it has reached another one. Not as severe, mind you–I don’t need to go back and admit myself again but let’s just say that recently things have not been good. You have all seen it via my blog and although I don’t like to bleed all over the screen, I am frank. I don’t exactly sugar coat things and I think that is good. I try and use this blog as an outlet for my feelings I suppose and as some commenters have recently said, it has served a purpose in educating people.

Well, with this mini-critical mass of late, I have come to a conclusion. The answer to “Life, The Universe And Everything” is not 42 but rather, “fuck it.”

Now, don’t misunderstand. I have not become some dejected misanthrope who has lost all hope. My “fuck it” is of a different kind. It’s more of a Zen, Vipassna or Tibetan kind of “fuck it.” Those are basically the three branches of Buddhism if you didn’t already know that. I know, I know…I can hear the Dalai Lama and all of the other reincarnated Lamas out there laughing at me. But really, isn’t Buddhism kind of a grand “fuck it” in a certain form? Alright, perhaps I have bastardized it a bit and really reduced it to the rather profane but think about it for a minute. A lot of Buddhism is about letting go of things. Or at least in part. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care but it means that you need to just free yourself of things defined by its tenets that aren’t healthy.

So that’s my “fuck it.” I haven’t given up. I’ve just realized that my brain has been going off in all sorts of directions that really aren’t working for me.

I actually got quite into Buddhism years ago. I have mentioned this before, I believe but I think at last count according to WP I have 228(?) posts on this blog so forgive me if I tend to repeat myself. It’s impossible to recall everything I’ve written. Anyway, I was almost to the point of finding a master to tutor me. I became a vegetarian and would watch diligently where every footstep tread so I would not step on a living thing beneath me. I preferred Tibetan Buddhism and within that sect specifically Dzogchen. According to Dzogchen, it is possible to achieve enlightenment within one lifetime. Yes, even within Buddhism little PA’s impulsivity was still shining through!

I also wanted to become a Bodhisattva. A Bodhisattva becomes reincarnated over and over and returns to teach the Dharma to everyone else until they too become enlightened. Yes, PA’s selflessness still shone through in her spiritual quest as well.

I gave up on it though. Again, PA still has a problem sticking to certain things *sigh* Over time, I began to find meditation painfully difficult and maintaining “mindfulness” also very challenging. I think both may have been due to the illness factor and I have yet to find an answer to how to get around these issues through Buddhism. What is the solution when your brain becomes somewhat unbalanced? It all seems a bit easier to follow when one is more stable. I still enjoy it though and often return to my books as a reminder–a way to try and find something, some way to try and sort things out when everything seems to go off kilter.

I’m going to tag this under Religion even though Buddhism is a non-theistic philosophy. That’s another reason it appealed to me. No deity involved. And another thing…if you are at all interested, you can practise the basics of it even if you are involved in any sort of religion or even if you don’t believe in reincarnation. The fundamentals are quite simple. This has been sort of termed “Western Buddhism” or more negatively by the purists “Buddhism Lite/Light.” I find the latter quite amusing because again, does it really matter?

“Fuck it.”

Yes, you all know how I have no shame and will go to nearly any length to prove how completely ridiculous I am on my own blog–or even others’ *shrug*

However, I blame this all on Amy, a new commenter but apparently a relatively(?) long time follower of “Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case.” She posted a YouTube clip on her blog from House and well, PA’s mind started to wander…

So if you haven’t realized this as I have mentioned it before, I do have a “thing” for this beautiful woman…Lisa Edelstein, aka Dr. Lisa Cuddy from House.



I’ve been thinking about trying to do some more creative writing–like I don’t have enough on my mind *rolls eyes* But really, thinking about writing is always on my mind, just maybe not always at the forefront. I don’t really consider writing this blog all that “creative.” I think it’s mostly just a lot of kvetching and griping with perhaps a slight bit of educational insightfulness thrown in? At least the odd commenter tells me this (thank you dear commenters…you make me feel good when you say such things.)

All of the posts in the Literary category have been older things I’ve written, save the two blogging “challenges” and some “quotable” items written by other people. I’m running out of older material. This just might be the last one I throw up.

Heh.  I just made myself laugh.  My writing? Throw up? Indeed, it does make me feel sick sometimes.

I never know what to think of my writing. Most of the time I positively hate it. I co-led a community writing group for a while. It was kind of fun but it went on hiatus due to lack of membership. It’s now up and running again but with someone else at the helm.

Writing is challenging for me, to be sure. I am generally a non-fiction reader so I find writing fiction terribly difficult. And I also think my poetry is disastrous as well. Oh dear.

Well, without further adieu…

Robin’s Egg

Do you remember when you were a child
Climbing trees, scraping knees
Seeking your prize in the boughs of your heavens?
A small growth of nature the most fragile
Possession you dreamed to hold?
The shape, the colour, the wonder, the fear
As you cradled it in your dampened palms you raced home
Eager to display your capture
That is how I see you
So fragile and pure, a piece of existence I’ll never know
As I wrap my Robin’s Egg in tissue and cotton
I hold your heart in trembling hands
As beauty overwhelms me
I sit and await your birth

Some further comments: No, this wasn’t written for anyone or with anyone in mind. Just a general piece.

Also, not long ago, I found an almost fully intact robin’s egg on the way to work. I did wrap it in tissue (I didn’t have any cotton on me haha) and placed it on my desk. I was going through something very, very bad at the time and thought it might give me some hope. I’m not really into talismans or anything like that but it was interesting as shortly after I placed that little robin’s egg on my desk, my “rescuer” as I will call him came to my aid. The situation got worked out (although it took a long time) and it just kind of made me think.

Unfortunately, I don’t have my little robin’s egg anymore. It broke. I know…that’s kind of sad, isn’t it? But they are such fragile things. I think I knew I probably couldn’t keep it forever.

Wow, PA really screwed up last night. Blame it on a case of mistaken identity. Or double identity? Or PA just being plain old stupid?

Apparently PA has a problem reading. She checked her email and thought one was from someone, a blogger she has been communicating with but it wasn’t. It was from a different blogger with the same first name.

She disclosed some rather personal information. Now PA actually does communicate with a select few other bloggers “off blog.” She’s gotten to know them to varying degrees but nonetheless, she has actually *gasp* disclosed personal details about herself and given up some of her anonymity. Yes, it sounds unbelievable, but it’s true.

But last night, let’s just say she got to know another blogger a little bit better than intended.

So make sure you read and check your email carefully folks!

Okay, because it’s beginning to sound like I’m a complete downer, dragging everyone with me and life is all doom and gloom, I’m back to prattle on some more. My life is not so bad. There, everyone “happy” now?

So here are some things I like…yay!

In no specific order:

  • Summer Rain (complete with thunder and lightning) – I’ve been known to prance around in it in various states of (un)dress depending upon time, privacy and location (haha!) – and actually, rain and storms in general but it’s easier to be outside in them when it’s warmer
  • A film that will really make you think
  • My cat (of course!)
  • A good night’s sleep on a comfortable bed with lots of pillows *grin*
  • Sitting by or near a fire – I can become almost completely transfixed by watching the flames
  • Similarly, sitting by or near water – I find it very soothing and calming
  • Intellectual and stimulating conversation – I love the English language and words
  • A good laugh!
  • Someone writing me a letter by hand as opposed to sending me an email (a lost art?)
  • Travel – send me on a plane and I’ll go anywhere
  • Fountain Pens
  • Watches
  • Interesting and curious antiques (especially stereos)
  • Massages (I really should be booking some appointments with someone…)
  • Books
  • Photography

There, I guess that’s a pretty good list for now?

…and for all of you reading overseas, I can do the currency conversion.

I’m going slightly mad this morning. I’m sitting outside right now with kitty. What do they say? Good neighbours make good fences? Let’s change that to Bad neighbours make bad fences. Next door they have decided to build a deck and lengthen the existing fence. It will cut off the walkway that we all use so thankfully the landlord came by to strip back all the brush so we will in fact have access to our apartments from the back entrance. But with all the noise, I’ve had to get my headphones to listen to some music on my computer. But that’s still not getting rid of all the drilling and hammering (apart from the pre-existing drilling and hammering in my own head.)

Another reason I am outside is landlord is here with a plumber to fix the leak that happened over the weekend. They don’t know where it’s coming from and I will positively spaz out if they have to rip apart my ceiling. I don’t know how long they will be here and I want them to leave. Now.

But back to the topic at hand. I am feeling a bit low today. I am anxious as all hell and I am shaky like I have just been given a dose of Lithium. The bran seems to doing its “thing” again and I feel physically ill. Damn. (Edit: at time of posting feeling a bit better?)

Plumber Update: they think it’s rain related so wait for another storm. Whatever. At least my ceiling stays together. For now.

Anyway, why do I feel like such a piece of crap? I’m kind of laughing at myself as I type this. I guess that’s good. A sense of humour is always a good sign? Not long ago, if I’m not mistaken, there was a bit of a surge in response to IQ tests to take Emotional IQ tests. Now, I’ve always scored around 130 on IQ tests. That’s fairly high. It doesn’t quite make me MENSA material but that’s okay. I’m not a big fan of IQ tests. They are biased as they do not take in factors like other valuable assets of your person. Like perhaps Emotional Intelligence?

I just spent some time doing some EIQ tests online. Oh dear. I did not fair well. That doesn’t bode well for one’s self esteem? Let’s just deem all online tests stupid from this point forward, shall we? I’ve always thought that my EIQ was fairly good. Is my fractured brain impairing me? Do I no longer understand emotions, how to read people or how to “behave” appropriately in certain situations? Well, I have no immediate answers for that. Other than the fact that Bipolar and it’s kissing cousin ADD make me impulsive. My meds may make me a bit dopey and flattened–as may the depressive side of the Bipolar. Yes, true, I’ve brought Asperger’s into the foray but now I’m starting to question that. However, since I’ve met D. I’m still not sure. When we talk and I get overstimulated, I am having great difficulty making eye contact. Now of course that one “problem” doesn’t automatically place me on the Spectrum but it is an ongoing trait and something that still continues with me. It does seem to improve as I feel more comfortable with a person or a situation.

I don’t really have a problem communicating about myself, I never have but I grow silent at times. She is smart and inquisitive and asks me good questions but I never seem to know what to ask her! It bothers me as she has extended the invitation but I am having great difficulty in that area of communication. I don’t know what to do about it. Please talk to me D.! Ha ha! Now that you know I’m having communication issues–goofy little girl that I am…it’s okay…I’ll try a bit harder *wink*

But really, I am a little unsure or the original assessment I have made. I need to go back and look at the literature I have at work. Or I could just do a repeater and find it all online again. I do know that Asperger’s presents differently in females than it does in males, is more prevalent in the latter and the medical community is finally getting around to recognizing it in the former. As I said to someone recently, I have little understanding of myself sometimes; please do not ask me to understand the rest of the human race and how they work or what they do! That could be quite “normal” but again Aspies lack a lot of understanding and insight. Again, though, I do tend to read people well. Or at least I used to? Or I think I did? Shit. I’m probably not an Aspie. Just strange *laughing*

I think Bipolar colours things so much. Ultra bloody thin-skinned, take everything to heart, blame yourself, I screwed it all up…on and on it goes. You all know how much I’ve gone on about this before. Now I know in my rational mind I haven’t screwed things up *most* of the time. At least when I’m not spinning out of control like some wacky gyroscope lost in a black hole never to be seen nor heard from again until I somehow return back to earth. Relationships and situations with other humans are complicated and even when the encounters are brief, so many things come into play. It simply does not make sense that I am completely responsible for everything that occurs all of the time! Now of course I play a role but I am not the only one involved.

I think this post is making me sound a bit more worse off than I really am? I am nervous about returning back to work. I am nervous about starting the outpatient program. They haven’t called me back and I should call them back. I should call work. I am still ticked off about yesterday and the psychiatrist. I just don’t feel like I can get my act together. I feel like I really need a vacation from myself.

Maybe I’m overanalyzing too much as of course I always do. I need to somehow just relax and let things “just go.” Just happen. I’ve always had a problem doing this. It’s not like I have a problem forcing things. No, PA is too gentle and sensitive to do that (a sign of EIQ?) but sometimes she just gets so excited, anxious, overworked, brain in overdrive that she gets a bit of tunnel vision.

Is this post even making any sense? I think I’m just rambling. Blah, blah, blah…

“PA to the internet/blogosphere…come in, come in…do you read me..?”

I suppose everyone suffers from self esteem issues or moments when they feel unsure of things from time to time. I just get tired of it. And sometimes it crops up when you least expect it or when you are sailing smoothly along.

At the risk of or YouTubing everyone to death, I’m going to post this one. I really love this song. It sounds a little, well, depressing at first but the last line is the kicker. This song actually makes me feel better about things when I feel like I’m facing some challenges in life. And because I’m such a lyrics fan, I’m posting them as well. Michael Stipe is notorious for writing very cryptic lyrics at times and he won’t reveal what they mean but this one isn’t to difficult to interpret.

Find The River – R.E.M.


Hey now, little speedyhead,
The read on the speedmeter says
You have to go to task in the city
Where people drown and people serve
Don’t be shy. Your just deserve
Is only just light years to go

Me, my thoughts are flower strewn
Ocean storm, bayberry moon
I have got to leave to find my way
Watch the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes
Nothing is going my way

The ocean is the river’s goal,
A need to leave the water knows
We’re closer now than light years to go

I have got to find the river,
Bergamot and vetiver
Run through my head and fall away
Leave the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes
Nothing is going my way

There’s no one left to take the lead,
But I tell you and you can see
We’re closer now than light years to go
Pick up here and chase the ride
The river empties to the tide
Fall into the ocean

The river to the ocean goes,
A fortune for the undertow
None of this is going my way
There is nothing left to throw
Of ginger, lemon, indigo,
Coriander stem and rows of hay
Strength and courage overrides

The privileged and weary eyes
Of river poet search naivete
Pick up here and chase the ride
The river empties to the tide
All of this is coming your way

As I slowly wait the “time” to enjoy the pleasant feeling of my meds kicking in (and hopefully, surely it should be quickly and very pleasant as I am already tired now) I’ve been thinking about, yes, time. I have blogged a bit about it here and about it here.

I seem to struggling with the concept of time yet again. In several ways. Going back and having a look at the second post was a little helpful but some”times,” when you are in the midst of trying to deal with a crisis, a bad mood state or even just trying to work out a problem in your head…when does the breakthrough occur? How long must you wait?

As long as it takes.

There is a link in the second post (presuming it still works as do all of the others on that page–I know one didn’t and I apologized for that as I really liked all of the information the page presented.) Anyway, the page shows just how far humans have evolved and have always used time and almost (to me anyway) relied upon it so heavily.

What would life be like without time? (Okay, maybe the meds have hit PA you’re all thinking…) But really, would it all be utter chaos or do we need it to keep organized and things on some sort schedule? I mean, I have become so unscheduled lately with being off from work, I honestly don’t know what day it is unless I check on this very computer, I really wouldn’t know what time it was unless I bothered to check, apart from night and day based upon the position of the sun. True, I have had some appointments so I haven’t been living in a “time-free” universe but otherwise I’ve been doing fine.

However, I’ve been pretty isolated. What about meeting socially? “Okay we’ll meet at Desitination X at…” That might prove difficult. And traveling. That might get messy. Can’t have planes and trains and things colliding into each other.

So maybe we do need time as a construct. But as this bizarre abstract concept…when, when, when? Or wait, wait, wait…

I am disliking it very much right now.

And what about the reverse when time just zips past you and you don’t even know what has happened? Which do you think is worse? Sitting around biding it away, sometimes feeling like you’re wasting away or having life just pass you by?

I think the latter is much more easily dealt with.