Archive for June, 2007

I wasn’t going to blog today. I swear. I had a brief flash of insight, however, while actually having enough attention to watch a movie this afternoon on television. It was extremely brief, mind you–probably less than a second this bit of insightfulness. My monumental proclamation?

Even my self medication is becoming boring. Yes, ’tis true. Along with basically everything else in life.

But beyond that, it’s just so awfully bad. I’m getting tired of it. I feel like such a hypocrite. How often do people keep saying this, then keep on going back to the behaviour and then start whinging about it again. How often do they end up sounding like a broken record or someone “crying wolf?” At a certain point, do people just give up on them and stop listening?

Oh here come the tears again…

I don’t know if anyone has been paying attention to my “Sobriety Meter” but it’s been going up and down like a yo-yo. It’s fucking embarrassing. I probably shouldn’t have even added it to my blog. I guess I could remove it…

Things are getting really bad. I’m just letting everything go. Beyond taking care of kitty, everything’s just going to shit. The kitchen’s a disaster, ditto the bathroom, laundry is piling up, the place needs a good cleaning, I’m not taking care of myself very well either, passing out in my clothes, not showering…I just don’t care. Welcome to mental illness at it’s finest. Hey, at least I’m admitting to it, showing you the real side of it and giving you the “inside scoop?” You can always count on PA’s blog for that. I suppose I’m sleeping and still trying to eat (sort of…) That’s a plus.

I honestly didn’t even care to make this blog post but I was “inspired” by seeing someone else post after a while. So here I go being so bloody “prolific” again.

I know I’m hurting myself. I know it’s terrible and harmful. People have told me at times that I am so this and that (insert positive and flattering adjectives) but…? I don’t think I’m self medicating because I don’t like myself. I think I’m in pain, yes. I need to work through that pain and logically, I know that self medicating won’t help but it’s just such an easy and immediate way to numb yourself. And I have a long history of doing this. It’s easy to revert back to this pattern of behaviour when I get “triggered?”

Sometimes, I drink when I’m happy and feeling up too. When the pain of what I’m feeling temporarily subsides. So it’s almost like there’s no winning? Ugh.

And then there’s the loneliness factor. When you’re cooped up all alone for so long and so bored well, you want or need something to do. And it’s not even a “social” thing even though my local pub of choosing is small and I always run into someone who knows me. There’s always someone to chat with. I’ve even gone to places just to sit alone and be with my thoughts and speak to no one. How’s that for irony? Instead of sitting alone at home, I go out and be alone? Again, it’s just another way to escape and to feel–or pretend to feel–something.

I don’t even know what else to say about all of this. I have a tendency to be harder on myself than others. I don’t know if I’m beating myself up about this or simply being uber realistic and really trying to knock some serious sense into myself. After so many years when does the wake up call come? What do I need to do? Get bloody cirrhosis!? And speaking of my liver, with all the drugs I’m on now, I’m probably not doing it any favours by drinking.

Wow. I feel ill just writing this post. Maybe that’s a good sign.

PA’s never been a big fan of country music but ex-partner liked it somewhat. I have a couple of tunes in my collection that aren’t too “twangy” that I find alright. anonymous mom thought my last YouTube was depressing. Well, this one’s not so happy either but it’s rather fitting for this post.

“Whiskey Lullaby” by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss:

I was going to blog about something else that I started this morning but I’m just too damned upset about it.  I had a really bad dream and it’s bothering me.  I can’t get it out of my mind and when I started to look at all the neuro crap about sleep states and dreams and research to try and give my post a “spin” it just upset me more.

So I had a bad dream.  Get over it.  Stupid subconscious mind! Stupid conscious mind that put it there!

But I so rarely remember my dreams and when I do, why does it have to be such bad ones?

I think I need to engage in some Primal Scream Therapy and would do so if either the tenants wouldn’t think I was completely dying or if I didn’t have such a headache.

Although PA has a policy not to delete posts after the “Publish” button has been hit, she will delete “Drafts.”  I keep staring at what I started to write…okay…deleted! Now if only I could delete that dream.

Alright, I blogged about it a little bit.

So let’s blog about Merlin! This is much better!

I saw him for about 30min. this afternoon.  We just talked meds which was fine.  He loves the fact that PA knows her meds.  I love the fact that he loves the fact that I know my meds! So I decided to lower the Seroquel/Quetiapine a bit.  I really may not need 50mg to sleep anymore.  Let’s knock it down to 25mg plus the hypnotic and see how I do.  I’m a little bit concerned about waking up and getting going in the morning as I am returning to work next Tuesday.

I’m actually more than just concerned about waking up regarding going back to work but that’s another matter.  We spoke briefly about that actually and even though I think it will be good for me, I’m kind of freaking out a bit and rather anxious about it.  It’s going to really hairy for the first while and I know I’ll probably be able to settle back into my regular groove but…oh! Little PA is spinning about going back to work!

Shoot! I’d better get checking my work email.  It’s still got to be piling up as I write this! Ugh.  Must remember…must remember…  God, I can’t remember anything these days! I think that’s part of the problem…I just can’t focus…

Anyway, if the 25mg doesn’t cut it, back up to the 50mg–no biggie.

I was waffling on a Lamictal/Lamotrigine increase.  Am I okay at 150mg? I have no bloody clue.  However, due to the next news, better jut stay where I am?

Guess what everybody? It’s stim time! I can’t believe it.  Well, I shouldn’t get too excited as I don’t have them in my little hands yet but I he said I should by mid to late next week? He just needs to speak to his colleague and then the script should be written.  I may not even have to see this man–he might just fax it in to my pharmacy on Merlin’s recommendation.  HA! How easy was that? PA the bloody junkie though.  What a cocktail…

So Merlin actually decided that we go with Concerta/Methylphenidate–also known as Ritalin.  He was concerned that Adderall (mixed amphetamine salts) might have an increased chance of making me go bonkers.  So far in looking at some preliminary reading, this might be the case although again, everyone’s brain is different, including mine.  That’s alright.  We’ll still have it available to try if Concerta is a bust.  Concerta is also an extended release form so again, possibly less of a chance of me having a grand cycling flip out and easier dosing? And yes…slow and steady…  The initial dose is 18mg and I suppose we’ll just take it from there.

I’m really hoping this will work…or help.  And that stupid Strattera/Atomoxetine! Oh, PA really dropped the ball on that one.  She forgot that it was a NRI (Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor–basically an Antidepressant) and she can’t take those! Oh god, she made herself so sick and flew right into a major mixed state.  Concerta works in one way by binding to the Norepinephrine Transporter so it doesn’t flood your brain with the neurotransmitter.  It basically puts it back into it’s own little place where it came from in your brain (a vesicle) to be used later.  Now that sounds good to me because certain Antidepressants stop this from happening.  PA needs neither more Serotonin nor Norepinephrine than what she already produces naturally, thank you very much!

Now this might be good for my head but it might be disastrous for my stomach/body/weight.  Stims are notorious for killing your appetite.  PA may end up thinking more clearly but she might look like a twig.  Her gastroenterologist is in for a bit of a surprise, perhaps, when she rhymes off all the new meds she’s on.  Not that any of the current ones are or have been contributing to her tummy troubles.  The Concerta, however? Well, if it helps my head…  Still, I think he’s got to come up with a better solution than this bran business.  And I suppose I do need to work on better eating but again–not much to look forward to when all it does is make you feel like crap.

So I guess that’s it.  The big news is the Concerta.  This might also elevate my mood a bit as AD(H)D can also bring on some symptoms of depression.  I mean, if you can’t think straight and you’re all lost and forlorn and you can’t bloody do anything, of course you’re going to be a bit prone to depression!

Oh well, speaking of doing things, I did buy a new tripod today.  I hauled mine out of storage and it’s gotten so banged up over the years part of it (an integral part…) is broken.  So, time to get with it regarding the photography? One problem though.  Erm…about not thinking properly, I needed to pick up a Skylight (1A) filter (just a basic clear filter to protect your lens) and I screwed up and forgot that I needed a 67mm and not a 62mm which I bought.  I went to exchange it and of course they didn’t have the 67mm! Now I need to go out to a proper photography store (this was just in my neighbourhood at a small shop) and buy one.  I really don’t want to take my camera outside without one.


Just when you try and get motivated?

…well, I’m getting there. iPod probably needs some charging for my running around to do tomorrow, the meds don’t quite throw me onto the floor in an unconscious little ball for some time…so listen to some music? But try and not pick anything too depressing, right? After old Ghandi there…

Okay, give me a break…what’s with all of the WordPress Server Maintenance crap, lately? It’s a “sign” this post should not be written, I suppose?

So, just doing the shuffle thing on iTunes and up comes a band that you may or may not know: Dead Can Dance. An interesting band, to be sure. They formed in the 80s but I never picked up on them until the 90s. Wiki, again, does a great job of explaining them, their sound and a basic bio. I learned a musical term on its page: “glossolalia!” I know, now you just have to click on the link, don’t you? And I’m not going to link to the glossolalia page! I’m being so mean to you, aren’t I? You’ll have to go to the Dead Can Dance page if you want to know what glossolalia is–or I suppose you could just Google it…

But I did know what part of it meant, or had to do with due to the latter portion of the word–no pun intended.

Interestingly enough, for a band with such a progressive style that can do some pretty interesting (and somewhat bizarre depending upon your taste) things, this was a bit of a surprise to hear on one of their albums/CDs: The Wind That Shakes the Barley. Now, again, if you don’t wish to click on this link, the song is old. Very old. I can’t find an exact date of composition but it was written by Robert Dwyer Joyce (1836-1883.) This is a good link as well as it gives you a tiny bit of insight into what it’s based upon in Ireland and the lyrics.

I love this song. Can I tell you? I love, love, love, love, love this song.

This is a live clip and really, not much difference between Lisa Gerrard’s vocals here and on the studio recorded version. Amazing. Oh. And alright, I suppose it is a little bit depressing as one of my bedtime lullabies but again, I just find it so beautiful.

I wasn’t going to post today as I thought it would be really nice for a change to see two little grey numbers on my calendar indicating no activity? Hey, you’ve got to give me credit for not posting yesterday.

Ah well…this shall be brief. It has to be as I’m already starting to cry again!

I spent the day relaxing, reading about some Buddhism (as much as my wandering mind could handle–please give me my Adderall and please let it work!) It wasn’t so bad, I suppose, as I’ve read the book before and am no stranger to Buddhism–just looking for some “enlightenment.”

But now I’m torturing myself. Not that the Buddhism was torture–just difficult when you’re trying to work through some things and reconcile them and gain understanding at times. When you already live according to certain, defined ways within the philosophy that is good but when you still need to unravel a mental knot or two, it can be a bit frustrating.

But back to the torture. Gandhi is on TV tonight (not much else…ho hum…) and the opening scene shows him getting killed! AHHH! (and so the tears begin…)

I recall watching this on my birthday one year…what a nice way to relax…what the hell was I thinking!? What the hell am I thinking now…!? I should just turn the damn TV off!

This is just one of those films that always makes me bawl my face off but I love it and I love Ben Kingsley too. He completely made this entire film what it was and still is.

Edit: Okay, that’s enough. The TV’s off. Goodnight Ghandi. I don’t think I’m up for you tonight. I’ve taken my meds. Hopefully soon it will be goodnight PA soon too. I’m such an arse. I even indulged in a bit of (pseudo) Link Baiting on SeaSpray’s Blog by mentioning this useless post.

Yes…time for bed…

So I just loaded up all the software that he gave me over the weekend and I have no freakin’ clue what most of it is… I’m thankful, mind you. Just cluelessly thankful.

I’m Mac dumb, you see. After years of working on a PC and using Windoze (I even picked that up from a Mac user so I’m really not that cool…) I’m used to doing everything “the hard way.” I just dragged everything over to the Applications folder and let’s hope the hell I can now open it and use it? Stuffit? No, I’m not being rude–use that to open it if it doesn’t work? Or bring it into work when I get back? There are enough Macheads around that can show dumb PA what she’s doing wrong.

Oh well…maybe messing around and trying to figure it all out will keep my busy little fingers away from my blog…


This is a totally stupid and pointless post but I like to laugh at myself. I can be (relatively) smart with certain things but with others…pfft.

EDIT: He also added a crapload of music since there was room on the disc. This is just the second song I’ve listened to and it’s putting a big smile on my face. “If I Only Had A Brain” by MC 900 Ft. Jesus:

I was originally going to title “The Blank Screen Of Death.” It’s kind of like “The Blue Screen Of Death” where your PC (not a Mac!) freezes up and you get who knows what kind of error…could be anything. I’m still blogging but now I’m sitting here with a blank screen and if I was talking to anyone I’m sure I’d be mumbling gibberish. Now I’m sure I’ve just got gibberish in my brain. Oh wait, same thing? You see? Ah, tea…I think it’s finally helping me after all.

So now that the seed has been planted in my head, am I really dreading blogging now? I received a couple of emails (but no responses to my horribly depressing post of last night–no point in linking to it.) One person said to take a break (but you know yourself) another person said NO! Don’t stop! You’re so good!

Shall I flip a coin? I’ve done that to actually make decisions in my life, you know. I swear, I’m like a dog on a bone when it comes to blogging (among other things?)

There are some funny signs in my neighbourhood. I remember another blogger telling me to, “Look for the signs!” Well, I don’t think these hardly qualify but I have found them amusing, nonetheless.

I was walking down my street and I found an advertisement for a local business stapled to a telephone poll. It stated: “Rubbish Removal” and a telephone number. I was tempted to call it to see if they could do something with my brain.

There is a local place nearby called “Suzuki Shiatsu.” Now this one really gets me going. I can not imagine having shiatsu done by either a motorcycle or a car. Granted, I don’t know who out there, if any of you, have had a shiatsu treatment. You do need to like pain just a little bit. You get bent and twisted around somewhat and well, if you’re not that flexible (or sometimes even if you are) it can induce some ouchiness.

I remember meeting a woman who did shiatsu. PA kind of liked her but she was very strange. And I don’t think in a unique, kind of flaky, fun way. More in a dangerous way. Nonetheless, she was participating in this sort of exhibition or health fair and needed someone as an “example” or someone to work on to show any passers by what on earth shiatsu was (if they didn’t already know.) If they wanted a treatment, they could pay some money and she’d do it. So she asked me to be her little example. I was like, awesome! As much shiatsu as she could give me!

I also went to the man who gave her shiatsu. He was really good! But something kind of strange happened. My hip wouldn’t rotate in just the right way. He tried a couple of times but it kept getting stuck. The man said he could “fix” it but he would need to perform acpuncture. Would I be willing to try it? Sure, why not?

So out came his little needles and I can’t remember how many he stuck into my hip. He left them there for a very brief period and voila! Hip rotated just like that! Very cool.

What else is strange that I know of? Well, this isn’t really in my neighbourhood but it’s on the way to most of my travels wherever I am going. There’s this street called “Strange Street.” I want to live there so bad! It’s almost this tiny little alley that had a dead end. Oh, even better! I’m just kidding… But there are no houses on it. It’s that tiny. I wonder what the real estate values are there. Surely I could erect a little shack of sorts?

This one is goofy. There is a restaurant near me affectionately named “The Goof.” It’s been called that for years! They have a neon sign that if you look at it one way it reads vertically “GOOD” and horizontally “FOOD.” The bottom letters line up so that the two “Ds” spell out the latter of each. But from the other way, they have have reversed the “FOOD” so if you spell it out, it reads “GOOF” when they connect. There have been many a time when the sign has burnt out and all that has shown is “GOOF.” Everyone finds it terribly funny here. Maybe you do not?

I think that’s all I can come up with right now…oh, wait…one more.

A fish and chips shop that is named “Reliable Fish and Chips.” Wow, I certainly hope so! Food poisoning is not pleasant.

Good god, I haven’t cried like this since I…I can’t even remember. I rarely cry. I have said this before.

Well, let’s just keep going and get it all out, then. Or try. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Are MacBooks tear proof?

I can barely write this and maybe I shouldn’t even bother.

darkentries told me I was simply “human.” I don’t want to be. I know I am but sometimes it just hurts so much.  I am tired.  But I know (or sense?) that I still have so much work to do to heal.  I could be wrong.  I don’t know.  I feel like a child who doesn’t know anything right now.

Although children can be particularly smart.  It’s adults that are stupid?

I guess this is what can happen when you try and push some things down too much or are either forced to deal with them head on–even when you don’t want to? Or both?

I hide my pain.  To the outside world at least.  I haven’t been doing such a good job of it on my blog lately.

I did and said nothing in group today.  They could tell I was pretty messed up.  I wouldn’t even look at anyone and just stared off into space.  I came home, felt a wee bit better and now this.

I should go to bed.  But that means I have to wake up and face tomorrow.  This is a sign of me being depressed.  I know it well.  The fear of having to deal with another day.

The friend I spoke to on the weekend asked if my meds were working.  Crank up the Lamictal some more? I could talk to Merlin about it if I still feel this way on Friday.  Maybe it’s a useless adjunct for me.  But meds are only part of the solution.  Therapy can help but I feel a lot of it is up to me.

I’m looking for answers, I really am!

Alright, the tears have stopped, the pills have been popped–let’s try and relax…get grounded a little bit.

My, my this blog is going to hell in a handbasket…  I’d post a YouTube but this is depressing enough as it is.

feartheseeds offered some some thoughts about my thoughts regarding blogging of late.  He mentioned that trying to use blogging as some sort of support system wasn’t what I was after.  He was right on that point.  I mean, if it happens, it happens.  He also mentioned that I write more than some journalists do and also about deeply personal things–correct.  Also on the link to his site above, he said that he “hit a wall” during bad times and started writing about a lot of stuff and began to dread blogging.  I have been writing a lot of really weird stuff and I have been struggling with things but I’m not done with blogging yet.

But perhaps I do blog an awful lot.

He also mentioned if my blog was self-destructive? I don’t think so.  It’s still a good way to get my thoughts and feelings out and I think that’s a good thing–a very good thing.  I do think as well that I need to try and blog about some other things.  It’s just that not too much in my life is happening! I know…pathetic? Although, I have made some attempts at writing about other things recently.  But I am having some difficulty trying to get back to enjoying things that I once did and concentration is a big problem.  I don’t know if the ADD is completely out of control or what but I just can’t get it together.  I don’t feel like I’m cycling.

I wrote in a recent post about “head shit” and how it should be the primary focus of this blog.  Sure, it could very well be but there needs to be more things.  When I went back and started looking at my blog from the beginning, there certainly was more variety but I still wrote a lot about being a psych patient–all of my disorders/illnesses of the head and what not.  That isn’t going to stop.  However, I think there needs to be more?

Perhaps when things get a bit more settled for me there will be but just like everything else in life sometimes you just need more time and a bit of a more balanced perspective.  I am working toward that.

I’ve added a new widget on my right sidebar that is kind of funny and serious at the same time.  It’s my “Sobriety Meter” *laughing*  No, really.  I’ve even added in today despite the fact that the day isn’t even over yet–it’s barely just begun.  But I think counting today anyway will give me more encouragement.  I actually don’t have any plans to drink at all.  But usually I don’t anyway.  It’s all very impulsive and I need to work hard on keeping that in check.  I do need to find better things to occupy my time and perhaps that is why I blog so much.

I can’t decide if I will count “social drinking” as “Sobriety Days” or just ones where I get completely blotto.  But I can’t do that anymore.  Maybe falling down Saturday and banging her head so unbelievably hard finally knocked some sense into PA’s fucked up brain.  True, her legs have failed her before but it’s always been med related.  She’s never fallen when off meds? Don’t think so, anyway.

What a bloody disaster she has become.  Again, I am sort of laughing as I write this.  What choice do I have? There’s no point in beating myself up about it–sorry, bad pun again.  I do feel terrible and embarrassed and all sorts of “bad” things but is that really going to help? No.  It’s over, it happened, I can’t go back in time and change what I did.  But the feelings and my actions may serve as valuable reminders.

My head still hurts today and I’m still a bit nauseous.  Again, a valuable reminder? I don’t want to have to feel this way all the time of course and I’m sure my head will heal–both physically and psychologically over time.  “Cheers,” to that.

PA’s Bad…

…like you didn’t know that already…

Online Dating

Courtesy of my friend Medblog Addict.

I am still struggling with this question.  However, I am still here writing.

Blogging has become a bit of lifeline for me, I think.  A habit.  An addiction.  Now of those three, which are positives and which are negatives? Or do any even warrant such judgment? Could they just simply exist on their own without question?

I apologize for my blog of late.  It may have seemed rather oblique, cryptic or even downright confusing and bizarre.  Yes, it seems like PA’s gone off her rocker a bit? Well, she sort of has.

I know I am supposed to be able to write whatever I want but I don’t believe that is the point here.  I’ve been trying to accomplish something in my, what seem to be, more ridiculous and difficult to understand posts but it is not working.  I don’t think what I want to “accomplish” will ever happen.

It’s time for me to just step back.  If I can.  It’s killing me.

Or rather, I am killing myself? Slowly.  If there was an award for self-destructive behaviour, I would certainly be in the running.  I haven’t consumed this much alcohol and smoked this much dope prior to being medicated.  Granted, it’s not as much as I used to back then but it’s still way too much.

It’s time to step back from that too.

It’s going to take a tremendous amount of willpower to step back from both of these things.  My “addictive personality” is really shining through now.  I could probably get a medal for that as well.

I am reminded of when I was in hospital and I “wished upon a star.”  I got my wish.  Or so I thought.  Did all my desire that was eventually thrust upon the unearthly body really create the result that followed? I don’t think so.

I’ve often said that we have little control over what happens in this world…our lives.  We can control our words, our actions.  That’s about it.  Well, I suppose I can control my words via my blog and my actions by trying to get out of a terribly unhealthy cycle of late.

I think I need to rest now.  I am very tired and not feeling well.  I’m trying to figure out if I’ve suffered a mild concussion.  Probably not but indeed, a good thing skulls are hard?

There’s masochism and then there’s murder.