A Rant Against My Brain…And More?

Well, I didn’t think I had anything to write that was useful today–maybe I still don’t? Ha ha.

Perhaps that last song wasn’t such a good selection. Well, no, it was.

How can I get into this… You see? My brain…ugh. It’s rebelling against me a bit at the moment. Okay…

For everyone else out there with some form of mental illness, don’t you just get so sick and tired of it? I mean, really. It’s just such a bogus deal! Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not having some kind of slip and slide back into crapland. I was just thinking how we all really drew the short straw in life. And it really fucking sucks. Totally.

I’ve “battled” it in some form or another that has been recognizable to me since I was at least 13–sort of–I mean in terms of it being recognizable to me. At that age, I still don’t think I knew what was going on–this is a retrospective view. That was the first time I wanted to commit suicide. I remember holding a prescription bottle of Tagamet/Cimetidine and being so tempted to swallow it all. No, I didn’t have an ulcer but they prescribed it to me as way back then, no one knew what was going on with my stomach. Even as a kid, I had terrible gastrointestinal problems but nowhere near what I have going on now, however. And no, it wouldn’t have killed me.

But just having the thoughts and the urges at that age. That’s just not right! And again, it fucking sucks! I also had terrible insomnia as a teenager. Up all night listening to depressing music (my how some things don’t change *laughing*–just kidding.)

I have no recollection what I was like before that. I have asked my older sister and she has just said I was “strange.” She did mention a lot of emotional lability and I question whether or not the Bipolar was in fact evident as a child. I have read about the existence of Bipolar in children and it usually presents with a lot of unruly, impulsive and even violent behaviour. Not so much with PA. However, there was so much internalization, so much stuffing down of emotion and feeling.

Again, that fucking sucks! After years and years of that (plus completely bungled up neurochemistry) is it any wonder that my brain exploded? Imploded? Who knows which way it went but straight to hell would be another way of putting it.

And that certainly wasn’t pretty. Well sure, sometimes the euphoric (hypo)mania was a real blast for about seven years or so but even then, it’s so easy to only remember the positives. I won’t even get into the negatives here. Oh dear… People who know PA in real life know some of the things that have gotten her into hot water…whoo. My behaviour was completely out of control. Sure, at times I laugh about it but really, a lot of it fucking sucked.

I’m not at all sure what triggered my major depressive crash but boy did that fucking suck. I guess a rubber band can only be stretched so far until it snaps. I tell you, after “living the high life” for so long, this was sheer torture. I felt stuck in the thickest swamp of mud and tangled weeds with boots weighted down by boulders. My brain was slowed to a snail’s pace, I couldn’t eat, my thought processes were off, I bounced back and forth between raging insomnia or extreme somnolence, I no longer had any interest in anything, I could not read…on and on it went.

So then it was time to start messing around with meds. If we want to stretch the list to include even the ones I’ve been on for just a few days I’ve been on a total of 24 medications. If we take off the ones that I haven’t stayed on for any length of suitable therapeutic duration or that weren’t specifically psychotropic or used for Bipolar/Unipolar Depression, we can knock it down to 20. For the most part the vast majority have all had some kind of crazy side effect(s) or they did not work at all–or both. Yes, being on the med-go-round. That fucking sucks.

And then there’s the question of trying to find the right combination. This can take years! And some people never do. That royally fucking sucks.

Anyway, I consider myself relatively lucky. My meds do a good job of keeping me pretty sane *wink* Granted, I’ve seen some pretty bad times and even though in the recent past I had a bit of a “relapse,” I am getting my shit together. That doesn’t fucking suck.

  1. Forgive me PA for going off topic but it really sucks that angel,Sis, Trench doc and cycling mind are all closing or have closed thier blogs. :(

    I will miss them and thought it be nice to get to know cycling mind too.


  2. sodajerk

    “I felt stuck in the thickest swamp of mud and tangled weeds with boots weighted down by boulders. My brain was slowed to a snail’s pace, I couldn’t eat, my thought processes were off, I bounced back and forth between raging insomnia or extreme somnolence, I no longer had any interest in anything, I could not read…on and on it went.”

    tht is exactly how it feels.i am getting by on 2 or 3 hours a night at the moment.turn of the year i ciuld hardlt get out of bed.
    thing is i am less tired now than i was then.
    maybe it is quality of sleep,not quantity that is the thing.


  3. Hi, SeaSpray, am I that transparent or are you just having a psychic flash? Heh. Yes, I was a little bit frustrated about that last night but I thought I would simply keep it to something illness related. I am mostly upset about CA and Sis but they need to do what they need to do.

    I have been following the Flea situation as it seems to be all over the blogosphere so you can’t avoid it and I also read about Barbados Butterfly when that happened. I did not know of the others.

    I have thought about blogging about all of the shutdowns of late but there doesn’t seem to be much point as everyone else seems to be doing a good enough job. I don’t know what else I could possibly offer.

    I am listening to a fitting song (although it could apply to a lot of other things.) PA has lots of songs for fitting moments. “Out Of Hand” by The Mighty Lemon Drops. I suppose I could post the YouTube as I have no idea what else to write about today. I need to try and get back to researching some things instead of just writing about my boring life…

    Hi sodajerk. Well, on 2-3 hours of sleep, even quality won’t help. The problem with insomnia like that is you build up a serious sleep deficit and you just can’t get out of it. In so doing, it can be very dangerous. I don’t know if you drive but one of more serious things that can happen, for example, is serious accidents. You can also just injure yourself personally by not paying attention.

    You need to get back into a regular sleep cycle of getting the correct amount that your body needs. For everyone, it’s different. Some people can get by on 6, 7, 8, 9…hours.

    I don’t know how long you’ve been going like this but if it’s been a long time it’s not good. I know I could do it for a while when I was in my (hypo)manic stage but even then, I needed to get back to at least 6 hours just to sort of catch up and rejuvenate myself a little bit. Otherwise, there was no way I could cope.

    Any chance of getting some sleep meds to help? Even if it was in the short term to try and get yourself back on track? We’ve never talked meds in general with you. Are you taking anything else?


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