Archive for June 8th, 2007

I’ve been looking for this clip for a while. I listened to this song over and over while in hospital. I couldn’t figure out the lyrics and what they meant until now. Now I know…they’re crystal clear.

Come In Out Of The Rain


I’m not to blame, no cracks in my shell so far,
There is no shame, you’re in the clear so far,
‘Cause you’ve said it, doesn’t make it so,
Doesn’t mean that time stands still between us,
There’s nothing left to know,
What you’ve stolen isn’t really yours,
Though your words they have no meaning,
Your awkwardness still shows.

Ease it down,
Come in out of the rain,
To a better place,
Sleaze is all you know,
That with causing you pain,
It’s all you’ll ever know.

I’m not to blame, no cracks in my shell so far,
There is no shame, you’re in the clear so far,
Every thought you think’s not how it goes,
Though to see the way you treat them, explains your empty soul,
Make demands of others that you control,
There will always be that certain someone, whose answer will be no.

(repeat chorus etc…)

The YouTube is a slightly edited version of the song but lyrically it’s all there. A weird cartoonish thing but you at least get to hear it.

I am not responsible for other peoples’ emotions and subsequent actions.  I just can’t be.  That makes no sense at all.  Ms. Spock is working her way back.  She just has to in order to save little PA.

It’s pouring here–it was almost torrential for a bit? Okay, well maybe not but it was pretty windy before and the forecast said it was going to be quite bad. It was supposed to hit earlier and I actually needed to do some shopping but I’ll do it tomorrow. Besides, any excuse to hide under the duvet today.

As you can imagine, I am pretending (or doing everything I can do to pretend) that I am not bothered by the recurrent losses in my life. I know, I sound like a fucking Drama Queen of the First Order. Pathetic. But with each one, you are reminded of all the others, no? Or is that just my warped way of thinking? Anyway, the rain suits my demeanor right now. And it’s given me an excuse not to leave my apartment. Like I need any more of those–but right now, no desire whatsoever.

Trying to make dinner. You would think that PA would be starving herself in a pique of depression right now but no, she is eating. Although, what she just made is not really pleasing her palate. Alas. She will probably go back to not having much of an appetite tomorrow.

Oh, before I forget, note to sodajerk if you are reading this, I’ve been flitting around like a cross-eyed bumble bee trying not to get bogged down in emotional “cuntitide” (to use your phrase) so I’ve actually been trying to (unsucessfully) stay off the computer for lengthy periods and do other things. Mostly I’ve just been staring at the walls and the floor a lot and not moving like a statue. And I’ve spent some time sleeping curled up with kitty which has been nice. But please forgive me for not responding to your email in a timely fashion. You know (and everyone else who emails me) that I always do.

And apologies if that word offends anyone but to me it’s just “a word.” I always said I’d use it in some form or another on my blog one day but it looks like sodajerk beat me to it. At least in the comment section. Well, here it is in a post.

So here’s another literary piece. I wrote it many years ago. Not inspired by anyone. Just written after a poetry reading organized by some (again…here we go…then/absent/disappearing friends) and staying up pretty much all night.


I only love you because you are here right now. If there was someone else I would still fall equally unevenly in love with them. The lack of patronage that I receive does not diminish what I feel for you, for you are here, here right now.

In the shower today I sang like I had never sung before, for it is truly an indulgence to which I dare not succumb. As the scalding waters cleansed me and the notes I sang rose and fell, my mind rode its chariot directly into your sun. The light you bestow allows the rainbow of my identity to beam beyond the realm of all posibility but soon you are eclipsed. All is black.

Within the pattern of a a day you return to greet me as a kneel down before you and kiss my own hands for yours are deeply thrust into velvet lined pockets. I can not see the rings that you wear but I imagine what they would be like and who has given them to you and why.

Something encircles my fingers also. At first glance it appears to be the traces of the fumes from the cigarette I am smoking but after looking through less cloudy eyes I see that they are my dreams that float as seemingly effortlessly as the noxious gases that I pollute my fragile body with. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire I laugh as I realize I have forgotten my flame retardent jacket.

I look back to you my distant muse and question why you leave me so wanting. The shadows that fall upon me lead me to wonder if I cast my own darkness based upon my image of you. Your sunlight deceives me for one more time.

Righty-oh, then. Time to going back to watching Cruel Intentions. I’ve had it on pause for I think about two hours now because I can’t fucking sit still long enough to do one damn thing. Nothing like Sarah Michelle Gellar–being quite the saucy little bitch, I might add. PA rather likes her…kind of makes PA feel like a bit of a paedophile though as she’s rather young but oh well. She has another thing for Natalie Portman–again, a bit young? Good lord, between those two, Lisa Edelstein, D. (and well, her last partner who she wasn’t *really* attracted to…ssshh!) and her “fling” during Hospitalization #1 you’d think PA would be on the next flight to Israel to find her next prospective partner! What’s with all the Jewish women?!

Oh, just time for some levity…PA does not have a Jewish fixation…she just needed a laugh–very badly.

It’s a good movie, though. I thought it was all teeny-bopper tripe when it came out but a woman who I was having a fling with told me that no, it wasn’t. True, young people star in it but it’s actually a modern day take on Les Liaisons dangereuses written in the 18th Century by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos. Stephen Frears made a film adaptation in 1988 called Dangerous Liaisons.

Anyway, this post really nothing to do with anything. Well, it perhaps sort of does. I have no clue.

I’m debating whether of not I should take a break from blogging. Maybe I just need to feel a bit better about things and…just get back on top a bit. I’m not sure. I probably won’t stop…even though I feel like all of my posts are tripe.

I’ve been debating about writing this post all night.

I went down to the pub tonight. I couldn’t figure out whether or not I was celebrating how good a day I had today or “drowning my sorrows.” If you read my last post then you will know what I’m talking about. Or the second last post, I guess.

So many things have been going through my head tonight. I need to release some of those things, some thoughts. But I need to do it carefully. And it’s all ravelled up in the last few months right up to this moment. It’s not like I’ve reached this crucible. No, I think and I hope it’s just another space in time that I feel is forcing me to…how can I put it…it’s so hard to verbalize… It’s like I really have no control. I have only bare control over myself but no control over the people I have met and dealt with. I know, that may be hardly a revelation. But personally, it’s really resonating at the moment.

And so is the fact that I didn’t go out and buy a whole bunch of new lingerie…no use for that right now. No one to impress… I should thank D. for that–saving me money at least *wry grin*

This isn’t really about D. Well, it is in part. Sure, PA had hopes and thought that things would head in a positive and fruitful direction but no, it was not to be.

I responded to her email in kind, I believe, for what was I to do? I will not post her’s as that would not be fair. I have no “copyright” over what she has written and the fact that she has allowed be to blog about her to the degree that I have has been amazing on her part. But what I wrote in my reply was, because I may copyright my own words, is publishable:

I sort of expected this. I could feel you basically “slipping away” and not really interested in communicating with me or really interested in *me* at all. I’m not really sure what else to say–I guess nothing? Well, I have verbal diarrhea so I will say something. This deserves a response no matter what or I fear you’ll think I’ve gone off the deep end and done something disastrous?

You say you have your reasons–some of which you mentioned below–so I respect that. I know you have also struggled with the fact that I am disordered. What else can I do, right? No, seriously…I’m not being a bitch! I know words on the screen can come across rather strangely at times.

Well, that’s too bad that you didn’t think it or I was “right.” At least you gave me shot, though and that is flattering. I liked the fact that we seemed to have a lot in common and when we did communicate, I found there were a lot of, “Yeah, me toos!” flying around.

We can’t help what we feel. If you don’t feel anything for me…well…c’est la vie, I suppose. I must admit I am a little disappointed as I did have some hope but well, nothing I can do about it. I can’t force you to like me! But yes, I am sorry too. I do like you a lot and think you are a great person. Again, I think I sort of expected this but part of me is a little bit shocked and well saddened too. Hmmm.

I wish you all the best with your career opportunities coming up. Try not exhaust yourself and just take it slowly. I’m sure you’ll do a great job. You’re a smart cookie!

Okay…well…uh…yeah. I guess that’s it then? Anyway, if you ever want to talk or whatever, I’m still around. Give me a call. I told you, I don’t burn bridges. Sounds like you’ll be way too busy, however.

If we don’t ever end up speaking or crossing paths(?)…I have no idea how final you are making this…then I wish you all the best.

I have had no response and I suspect I shall not. Ever.

But something else I haven’t mentioned is the fact that when I broke up with ex-partner, I basically lost another very good friend. I still miss this friend terribly and wish that friend would come back to me. In fact, PA kind of “needs” this friend to talk to. I think I understand this person’s need to leave but nonetheless, PA feels in dire straits without them. PA tries not to be needy but in the same vein, loves people close to her dearly. Perhaps she fucked up somehow. Always a possibility. Even D. was vague and said it wasn’t anything I said or did but part of me thinks that a wee bit of bollocks at least as she said my intensity put her off.

But back to my friend. When and ex-partner and I broke up, it was kind of like a double loss. And even though I only knew D. for a brief time, now it’s like a triple loss.

That sucks. Oh, PA! She’s trying not to get too maudlin and accept everyone else’s perspectives. She should call ex-partner but she got so caught up in trying to make things work with D. she let that connection go. Not that it’s of the same calibre mind you. No, she was trying to establish a romantic connection and that is extremely overwhelming. It overtakes you. It takes a lot of effort.

I was talking to a man this evening who I knew from years ago when I lived in this neighbourhood, “way back when” and he said to me, maybe it’s too soon to date. Perhaps he’s right. He may be quite right. PA did have someone who also responded to her ad who is also “disordered” but when she sent her a photo, she hasn’t heard anything back. Okay, so either this woman found PA utterly disgusting or she’s rather busy?

In all honestly, PA’s hardly a runway model but D. didn’t find her that bad so she’s hardly a minger? Perhaps PA should just stay away from women. They just confuse her.

But she can’t. She loves despite how much she may fight it. This song may be good inspiration but…nope. Her heart can not remain still.

Be Still My Beating Heart – Sting

For my “friend” and D. (even though we said we’d never send songs with meaning to each to other D.?) But I don’t know if either of you are reading my blog anyway…

Oh, and one question. Is it a bad thing to flirt with your Recreational Therapist in your outpatient program? Sorry…PA is incorrigible. This woman is…well. I hate to say it but she looks like D. with glasses on! PA’s glasses, actually! Not that I’m going to be obsessed with D. lookalikes from now own. I was making jokes with her and tossed an offer out for dinner. I am quite sure she took it as a joke. They have rules against that you know…I think?

*PA wags finger*

*PA flips middle finger in the air*

Rules are made to be broken.

Maybe I will stay in the outpatient program? They’re switching me to another schedule so I may not see attractive Rec. Therapist. That might work to my advantage, however. If she’s not my Rec. Therapist then it might be okay? Oh, PA is utterly horrible. Perhaps more than anything she just needs to get laid or fool around a bit…but really, she’s never been good at doing that without some form of commitment.

Anyway, on to Sting and how my heart is fucked and I can’t stop loving women…