Archive for June 9th, 2007

I’m trying to decide if I sounded a wee bit too angry in that last post.  True, PA rarely gets angry (and if she does, she rarely lets it out.)  Maybe the rant was a good thing.  Anyway, in case you missed it via my comment, I just signed up with No Longer Lonely.  More out of curiosity than anything else.


It’s quite silly.  Well, maybe not for some but after a quick search, I don’t even think there are any women (or who knows, even any men?) in my city.  Silliness, pure silliness but interesting to have a look nonetheless.

Alright, again a bit dramatic but I really didn’t know how to title this post and it was just all I could up with. More blah, blah, blahbity, blah about my life.

I never read the book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, nor did I see either film adaptations. Nor am I familiar with Hunter S. Thomson. I should be. Drugs, drugs, drugs…huh? The latter adaptation, another Johnny Depp film where he’s high as a kite like Blow. PA watched that and all she wanted to do was snort Coke afterwards and then wrote this ridiculous post. Anyway, it was silly but fun and gloomferret and I had a lot of laughs over it.

So anyway, I’m mad today. It could have something to do with the fact that I’ve just taken two trips to lug back a ton of groceries etc… I have a little cart and live on a hill which I’ve mentioned before and boy, do I really miss my car. It’s going to be a real chore in the winter. The first was was a 30lb. bag of cat litter and the second, food. At least I finally have some caffeinated tea in the house now which I am currently enjoying.

But I don’t think that’s the only reason.

What is more commonly known as The Kubler-Ross Model or The Five Stages of Grief is what I am going through. Now if you take the time to link to Wikipedia’s little story above, it’s not necessarily about death (although they still need some citations.) But basically, they are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It also goes on to say that these emotions can be experienced together and are not direct stages that one needs to go through in that order. So, I think right now, I’m situated smack dab in the middle of “Anger” and “Depression”–but perhaps mostly the former? I am up out of bed and I did go shopping haha . And I did eat once I finally got some milk into the house to choke down my lovely bran with my cereal. Beats the damn “mix it with water” option. I should be doing more around my apartment. And I should go for a bike ride.

I’ve got to hand it to D. At least she gave me a chance, albeit a brief one. Yes, she’s still on my mind. Why can’t I get to “Acceptance?” It’s making me “Angry.” So is the loss of my “friend” that seems to have drifted off into the ether who may or may not come back. I think with that one, I’m in “Denial,” “Anger,” “Bargaining,” and “Depression.” With that one I can’t reach “Acceptance” either. There was a time when I thought I had but now…I think I’ve lost it–those feelings…I’m trying to get back to that stage but it is hard.

Another thing that is making me “Angry” is the whole issue of mental illness. PA is a tremendous advocate for those of us who are labelled “disordered” or any other term you wish to choose because we’re messed up in the head because of our neurochemistry. Or trauma. Or whatever the hell else that has made us “what we are.” Because do you want to know what we still are? Human beings. There is nothing “wrong” with us.

I placed that personal ad as joke. I did, really. I thought, who the hell would respond to that bloody thing! But it’s not a joke anymore. Someone responded! Someone did find value in me as a human being (I would like to believe.) That was good but then? I have to wonder…some things were said (favourable) and some weren’t (leaves me questioning.) I don’t believe that I was found evil or less worthy of existence on the planet. Let’s not go that far. But there are a lot of people out there that are so judgmental still. That makes me “Angry.”

Maybe I should try No Longer Lonely Online Dating. *smirk* You can’t go in and have a peek unless you register. That is probably a good thing as it keeps us “freaks” away from naughty lurkers who may do us “poor wee sensitive ones” further damage from dastardly bastards and bitches. I know someone who did try it and he said it was disastrous (obviously he had no luck?) Again, I am thinking of just yanking that ad.

Part of me doesn’t want to, however. Part of me wants to wave the nutbar, batshit crazy flag as high as I can fly it in everyone’s faces and again, see if there is anyone else out there who will give me a fair shake! I know (or again, would like to believe) that there are NTs (or other disordered folk?) out there who don’t give a rat’s ass about my diagnoses! Well, I’m pretty sure any other people with similar diagnoses wouldn’t care. Walk a mile in my shoes, right?

I was with two people who weren’t affixed with any mental illness labels or diagnoses who didn’t give a toss. The only problem was I didn’t love them back. They just weren’t a good match for me (except ex-partner as a friend.)

Is there anyone else out there who is mentally ill and in a good relationship? Come on, let’s see a show of hands!

:silence from the crowd:

Yes, just as I thought.

One thing is for sure. If I do end up meeting someone, no access to my blog unless the relationship is solidified. Not that I suppose I have any regrets. I don’t like to live my life with any regrets. I told D. it would have all come out in the wash, anyway. But I think I recall her flinching when I showed her my cutting scars. Well, bloody hell! If we did end up in bed, do you think she wouldn’t have seen them anyway? It’s not like I would have wrapped up my arm in bandages! And I do wear T-shirts in the summer. I don’t hide them.

Again, committed to waving the nutbar, batshit crazy flag high. I am who I am.