Archive for June 17th, 2007

I’ve never blogged about this before. Now is an opportune time.

The T3s–Tylenol(Acetaminophen) with Codeine–of which I took 120mg to try and get some sleep basically achieved, well, me getting into a rather dopey and altered state, nauseous but more immediately, to the point of throwing up. Charming, don’t you think?

Now I hardly ever throw up. You could almost say never but my little romp this afternoon proves differently. I have to be gravely ill to actually do it. I have termed this “Vomit Trauma” because of how I turned out this way but there is actually a proper term for it. Of course there is! Isn’t there a phobia of everything out there!

Now what I found interesting in this tiny blurb is that some people who have this problem can actually prevent themselves from vomiting. This is called “vomit continence” although Wiki needs a citation. I do this all the time! If I need to throw up, I just won’t. I positively refuse to and will just fight it, hold it down and wait for the feelings of sickness to subside.

When I was child, my mother was obsessive about the cleanliness of our home, germs, all sorts of things. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of her psych issues. Anyway, if either my older sister or I were ever ill (and needed to vomit) oh dear! What a production! Lots of panic and yelling and get whichever child away from whatever piece of furniture we were on, whatever we were near and into a bathroom, over a kitchen sink… A kitchen sink! I remember my father picking me and hauling me to that one during dinner when I was about four or five? That was the immediacy of it all. Find the closest waste receptacle and shove the kids head in it!

All so we wouldn’t make a mess! Heaven forbid the ill child needed tending. Oh no, just don’t have them get their disgusting puke anywhere or on anything! I mean, it was bad. Like there already wasn’t enough yelling and screaming to begin with. Now as a kid, you think it’s your fault because you have to throw up? Something you can’t even control? Well I can now haha.

So as kids, we learned that it was really bad to throw up (well, subconsciously, I suppose.) Even my sister has the same “Vomit Trauma.” She hadn’t really thought about it until I mentioned it to her not long ago. I had no idea she had the same issues surrounding it all as well!

Thanks again, oh, wonderful parental units for messing up our heads.

But I’ll tell you, as disgusting as this sounds, it felt really good to throw up after taking the T3s. Probably because I was so altered, it was easier for me to do. And they made me really sick *laughing* I’m still pretty altered but not to the same degree. Ugh, my stomach is killing me, though. I’m rather afraid to put anything into it! Just taking some water and I suppose I could handle some gingerale.

*PA pads off to kitchen to get some gingerale*…oopsy doodles! Watch your step there little PA…still a bit of a problem with the Orthostatic Hypotension and dizziness. Heh. I’m such an arse.

And you know, no sleep. I dozed in and out for maybe an hour but every time I started to really drift off into dreamland–wide awake! I was probably afraid I was going to throw up again…

I know, some of you more judgmental types (if there are any of you out there hehe) reading this blog might be saying well, PA you’re fucked and you deserve this for abusing your body so much. It’s payback. Well, perhaps so but it’s alright. It’s only temporary and PA’s tough. She can get through this.

Hopefully the tummy troubles will settle down or be done with in a couple of hours when it’s time for sleep meds. And maybe the feeling of being altered so much. Or maybe it won’t matter. Perhaps the Seroquel and the Imovane are both just what she needs.

Well, I tried to sleep and really can’t.  Had a little lunch…not particularly hungry as I was eating at god knows what time after the bars closed and we came home.

What is my body doing? What is my mind doing?

I should be feeling worse.  I should be feeling sicker physically.  Something has in fact changed.  I’m not getting your “traditional” hangover anymore.  Not that PA ever really got them–at least not when the Bipolar hit.  Now, however,  I just feel like I’ve got some sort of virus and I need to spend the entire day in bed after I drink a lot.  I become feverish, need lots of sleep and it’s all a little bizzare.  It’s somehow got to do with my meds.  I’m sure of it as it pretty much changed along with the change in my cocktail.

I’m a little tired, yes.  I’m not really a kid anymore and can’t party like I used to–or maybe I can *raises eyebrows*  But again, it’s more my mind that’s puzzling me.

I’ll probably be able to get a clearer picture of this tomorrow–after the alcohol gets out of my system–but am I experiencing some kind of hypomanic surge? My mind isn’t exactly racing away but my concentration is certainly blown all to shit.  It’s sort of a strange combination.  It’s like I have “crystal clear visions of nothingness.”  Possibly a weird combination of the Bipolar and the ADD going completely haywire?  They are so very similar, however and shit, Bipolar can make you all flighty and whacked out in terms of focusing your thoughts too.  Did I really blast out my receptors that badly last night? Or maybe this has been brewing away for a bit now.  That could be quite possible as well.

If I had more physical energy I know I’d probably be antsy and hyper as all hell.  And erm…speaking of “hyper”…one of the hallmark signs, hypersexuality is back.  Yes? Somewhat? Well, something’s certainly going on.  And no, it has nothing to do with “Sleeping Beauty.”

Not that I mind having that symptom back.  It’s kind of nice to have a sex drive after it being more of less dormant for so long.

And so little sleep! I was sort of joking when I wrote earlier that I’d take my Seroquel and Imovane again within such a short time span of the regular dose.  Not that it probably would have hurt me but I would (might?) have been a pretty doped up fool and then awoken just in time to take the next ones at beddy-bye time?

I can’t find any Dimenhydrinate (anti-nauseant.) That would surely knock me out? It usually always does the trick.  I thought I had some left but I guess not and forgot to pick some more up when last at the pharmacy.

I found while digging around a drug called Serc/Betahistine that is used for vertigo with Meniere’s Disease. No, PA does not have this but once she was so ill with an actual viral infection she could barely move because she was so dizzy.  I mean, she was almost at risk of harming herself by falling down and even walking to the doctor’s office was a serious chore.  Anyway, he had samples of this and it really worked well! Unfortunately, it doesn’t cause drowsiness, however.

Anything else? Oh, Tylenol/Acetaminophen with Codeine! That may work.  Now, PA can’t even remember why the hell she was prescribed this.  It’s got a hospital pharmacy label on it.  Perhaps one of her gastro incidents from hell that necessitated a trip to the ER? Eh, let’s pop a couple and see.

Brain check? I don’t feel anything…maybe a little relaxed? Maybe I should take more.  Oh dear, a night of excess followed by what…find anything in the house to knock yourself out? How about a mallet to the head? Actually, I don’t have one handy…

Maybe codeine doesn’t make PA sleepy.  Paradoxical (or at least null) reaction.  Maybe she’ll take a couple more…be right back!

Oh my goodness, junkie PA, huh? Is that any kind of sign of anything? Or maybe I just don’t give a shit about my life anymore.  I mean, last night was kind of…well, odd.  I mean, PA pretty much lost track of how much she’d had to drink (but who’s counting right?) Let’s try and come up with an estimate.  Alright, three pints at the pub, one bottle at ADD J.’s, a couple of fruity daquiri things that they made (hey at least they had fresh fruit!) half a vodka cooler, two more pints (well one and a half as shithead wandered off with my pint!)  And yes, some pot.  Not a huge amount of that and interestingly, it didn’t make her stoned.

PA was really getting worked up and sort of full of some angst and it calmed her down.  She was rocking back and forth and pacing and well, her behaviour was kind of odd.  The pot didn’t make her melt or turn into a puddle or anything but it just set her body and mind at ease a bit and well, just made her relax!

So that’s a fair amount of alcohol.  And considering PA being 5’2″ and 100lbs…  Hey, I had a good dinner though.  So that helps as usually PA doesn’t eat when she goes out.

I have been self medicating more than well…certainly about as much or more before I met ex-partner.  Probably more since I have just come out of hospital and am trying to get “stable?” Or am I just using that as an excuse? Or am I not stable because I am self medicating (i.e. that is the reason for my self medication?) Or my self midication is keeping me from being stable.  Gee, talk about a circular argument or question or something.  Chicken, egg and what not.

Brain check? Okay, well, I’m certainly starting to feel more relaxed after taking four T3’s as they are called over here (why they are called Tylenol 3 I have no idea–there is no Tylenol 2.)  Oh and for my lovely UK readers, it’s Co-codamol as I have just read.  And now I’ve doped myself up with 120mg.  Well, it’s certainly increased PA’s pre-existing OH (Orthostatic Hypotension..whoo!) Pretty dizzy.  Maybe she needs the Serc after all *laughing*

What a weekend.  Again, everything to excess! Like I said, what’s up with my mind? Boy, thoughts are really racing faster now…but again, not necessarily about anything concrete.  This post is probably going to be a real mess but I wanted to get it out because I’m starting to kind of wonder if I am in fact experiencing some kind of upswing even if it’s minor.

Brain check? Okay, it’s been what…about an hour since I’ve taken the T3s and I’m not really sleepy.  I might be if I tried to lie down but again…thoughts are all bouncy.  I could try some relaxing music or something.

Was my behaviour, apart from the drinking odd last night? Well, the fidgety, angsty, rocking back and forth crap was.  I mean, shit…that type of overstimulation stuff has lately only been reserved for my psychiatric consults.  This was…well, okay,  a social situation with a bunch of strangers, lest one.  And even him I don’t know well.  Perhaps a bit stressful for PA? But I’d already had three pints! Wouldn’t the liquid courage have kicked in by then? Oh dear–perhaps some social impairment issues arose last night?

But after the dope, it helped.  And after the booze, she wasn’t falling down drunk or anything.  She had all of her faculties in tact.  She was better off than “Sleeping Beauty.”  She can’t quite remember who kissed whom first but both of them were making out in the middle of the pub.  Not PA’s local! Good god, no! Oh, PA would never be left alone after that! If it was PA’s steady girl, no problem but not some basic stranger–ugh.  But still, PA doesn’t really care if she’s kissing women in public.  Whatever.

Alright, anything else I’m doing that’s out of control or Bipolar-ish? I don’t seem to be having any feelings of grandiosity like I used to.  I’m not blowing large sums money–do I feel like it? Actually, I do have a very strong urge to get on a plane and take a vacation.  Fuck, I need a vacation even though I have been off for all this time away from work.  That’s a bit of a dangerous thought.

Well…hard to say.  Some of the stuff last night and today look like I could be headed in that direction? And I haven’t really been a paragon of responsibility lately.

Brain check? Alright at time of posting I am quite altered with the T3s but suffering the bad side effect of nausea.  Should have known with my gut issues.  I haven’t taken codeine in a long time, probably since I was a teenager and I don’t recall it ever making me nauseous.

I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep now?

I wonder if I’m on the Bipolar Self-Destruction Train? Oh well, as long as I don’t jump the tracks maybe I can slow it down and arrive safely at the next station.

I guess you could say this is part two of my little adventure from last night? Or this morning? I should somehow link to the other post but I’m too tired. Wait. No I’m not. Well, I am tired but I have to or if someone reads this later, it won’t make any sense.

So within the comment of the linked post above, I neglected to mention that yes, the woman who now occupies my bed (for the last…oh, about seven or or so hours?) was also sort of “dumped” on me by her friend/ex-boyfriend. Another reason for PA to take her home. Chivalry is not dead. Or at least preventing homelessness is not dead.

What a shithead! I mean…as we used to say as kids, “Smooth Move Ex-Lax.” (for those not familiar, Ex-Lax is the brand name for a laxative.) We’d always say that when someone fucked up. I can’t believe he left a woman totally drunk alone in a bar (well, okay she was with me but I could have also been an ass and just said, “Well, see you later…”)

So PA decided to try and get some sleep with “Sleeping Beauty.” SB got up to use the washroom and said she was cold. I told her to slip under the duvet. Good chance for PA to get into bed to. Or on it?

Edit: Good, god. She just woke up and left! Merciful Zeus, thank you! Now PA has NEVER wanted a woman out of her bed before! Is she getting old? Is she losing her sex drive? I don’t think it’s either of the two(?)…read on…

So the woman comes back before PA can finish packing up, turning off MacBook. Who knows, maybe PA had to use the facilities too. She was sucking back copious amounts of water to rehydrate herself while awake. Why not, right? Good idea after drinking.

Now all along, this woman had been completely passed out. No chance of sex with her, anyway. She was drunker than PA! And PA knew it all along! That’s another reason PA wasn’t pushing for sex in the first place! She knows as a woman how again, mistakes and regrets get made. And PA has also fallen into these “traps” with women who are “predominantly straight.” Not to affix labels and paint all women with the same brush but all this shit about “women as individuals” and attraction could have been a line of drunken bullshit she told me.

PA’s been fucked over by too many straight women in the past. And even if it’s a nightly fling? Well as darkentries spoke briefly in the comment section of the above link/post… about being drunk and going mental. Mental? Believe me, straight women can go mental on your lesbian ass after you take them to bed! Some of them just can’t deal with the fact that you’ve “taken them over to the dark side.” Egad. Give me a break. Take some responsibility for you own sexual actions and behaviour.

So PA is very careful about “straight” women… Sorry for the rant but it

So back to “bed.” Oh dear…this woman was tall. About 5’10.” And pretty strong even though she was fairly thin? Could pick little PA up and cart her around no problem. Reminded her of another ex who was an inch taller and used to carry her piggy back around when PA was in her mid-20s.

So “Sleeping Beuaty” is not such a good nickname. Dead weight, snoring like hell, taking up all of the bed…crap. Now again, PA is little but absolutely no room on the bed! And she has a queen sized bed! Oh…*groan*…PA got about three hours? Guess what she’s doing today? Ab-so-fucking-lute-ly nuthin.’

SB woke up and PA asked her how she slept. She said great…just fine. Yes, I’ll bet. PA didn’t have the heart to tell her and was rather…well, not cold but kind of inattentive? Not dismissive but just quiet and without anything to say, really. It’s not she and this woman shared anything “intimate.” *laughing*

SB was well, perhaps not sure what to do? I asked her if she knew how to get back to shithead’s place (hint, hint–get out.) She said she did. Alrighty, then. Time to go. Quick kiss at the door and she said she’d call me. I almost hope she doesn’t.

PA needs more cigarettes but between smoking a bunch last night and the pot she’s a little bit raunched and probably doesn’t need them anyway. Tempting to make morning tea but not really in need of caffeine either? Should probably try and get some sleep but for some reason, she’s wide awake. Perhaps it’s because of the fact that she did actually have a woman in her bed, no matter how disastrous and uneventful it was and she has a good personal ad response from an ongoing conversation from a woman that didn’t find her a minger! So that’s two women that found her attractive within roughly a 24 hour time span. That’s pretty good!

Ego boost. Heh.

She’d respond to the ad but she’s so brain dead it’s amazing she could string this post together. Excuse any mistakes even though it has been proofed. I’m so tired I think my eyelashes hurt.

Probably time to lie down?

Well, I guess I have to eat even if it hurts. That’s the answer to the second question. The first is a little more complicated. As you can imagine?

Yes. So this is how my evening ended up. Geek extraordinaire is sitting at her computer (MacBook) with her headphones on while sleeping beauty is passed out. Truly, PA didn’t even want to bring her back here. PA hates her apartment, flat, whatever. It’s an ugly mess, organized chaos…PA sucks beyond the basics but it’s also partly because of the space. It’s just so tight. Have you ever actually tried to clean tight spaces?

Okay, so PA decided to stretch the alcoholic limits tonight. She wants to say not by choice but there is always a choice.

Off to the pub. Okay, bye pub.

So she decided to go home and she saw ADD J. He’s another pub barfly she knows. He lives on her street. PA needs a life and she needs to stop drinking. Anyway ADD J. is probably ADHD J. because he’s really hyper. PA can pretty much keep up with him but he bounces around a lot.

Anyway, as she was walking home, ADD J. and his neighbours invited her up for an impromptu BBQ on the lawn of their apartment building (low rise.) Should PA say “Hi,” or go home?

Oh, shit. Of course she said, “Hi.”

So have a beer, enjoy the BBQ, thank you, thank you…and then meet curious creature J. Yep, smell it a mile away…bisexual, might like women, might like me who the fuck knows?

She was there, a few drinks later and I was sitting on her lap discussing my “coming out story.” There was also hand holding and a kiss. She told me when she was first attracted to women (very young) but she was mostly attracted to men other than “women” as “individuals.”

I see.

So, the question is, do you like me or do you not? I’m an individual and you’re flirting with me. So…?

But it’s fucked because you’re from another city, you have kids (sorry…PA doesn’t want the hassle unless she’s really in love) and everyone’s really fucking drunk!

And not to be picky but you’re not a great kisser. Unless you’re just drunk? Sorry, PA’s kissed a lot of women (well, not a huge lot but enough…) to know good from bad.

Okay, not to stereotype but PA is not like the “stereotypical man.” She won’t take someone home who says they want to fuck when they’re drunk out of their skulls because she knows damn fucking well that they probably don’t want to fuck! Perhaps some women do but from my perspective it’s the lowered inhibitions of substance that leads to regret. I know it has for me. And especially in this case. I don’t think this woman wants to sleep with me! Not at all! She may like me and find me somewhat attractive but she doesn’t want to have sex with me. Of that I am sure.

That’s why I’m staying up and messing on my MacBook, listening to music and writing this crazy post. Maybe I’ll get tired enough to curl up beside her which surely wouldn’t be out of the question…it’s more a question of whether or not I can sit or lie still…

…she’s asleep so she can’t calm me…

Fun being disordered and meeting people isn’t it?

Edit: the sun’s coming up…we’ll see when she wakes up but probably no sleep for PA at least until she’s gone? And then I might have to take my Seroquel and Imovane again. They haven’t done a thing for me yet…