Archive for June 19th, 2007


That whole weekend thing…not sure. It could have been just a blip on the cycling radar. You have to remember (or I do) that I’m also an ultradian cycler so I cycle really fast. Chances are that if I did end up going high it wouldn’t have lasted very long anyway. But if so, it was certainly interesting to get up there so quickly again.

Physically, I still seem to be a bag of shit, these days. I don’t even know what time I went to sleep last night. It was a real chore to get out of bed. Hormonally induced, perhaps? Night sweats like you wouldn’t believe! I certainly can’t be perimenopausal haha. I’m still getting pleasantly stoned from my sleep meds at least. That’s fun. I should try to get my sleep schedule back on track, though. Not that it would be hard to do–it’s just that the vacation in space is still ongoing so it’s too tempting to stay up late and sleep in if I don’t really have any responsibilities the next day.

I still feel like my brain is falling apart, however. Mostly concentration based. I’m not sure what that’s all about. I don’t really feel depressed…no, don’t think so. My face may betray me or might look like I am but well, I’ve always had a tendency to have a “flat” or emotionless gaze at times. I’d always preferred to call it “pensive.” Always deep in thought about something? Now I seem to be deep in thought about nothing–or relatively speaking as my mind feels rather like it’s been through a blender.

I remember even as a young person, everyone would always ask me, “What’s wrong?” I would answer, again, stone faced: “Nothing.” It still happens sometimes now. Back then, I can’t really remember whether it was true or not. Being asked happened so frequently, after all. Perhaps there was something wrong and I simply couldn’t verbalize it or didn’t want to share it as I knew the other kids just wouldn’t understand. Or maybe there really wasn’t anything wrong. I was a strange little one. I’m still a strange adult, I think.

Meds probably don’t help? I mean, I’ve often joked about “Seroquel Face.” That may affect me more in the early hours of the day until I’ve come around a bit and started moving. You know how people always ask if you are a morning person or a night person? I’m kind of an “evening person.” I used to be a real nighthawk and stay up for hours but as I’ve gotten older, I seem to be at my best earlier on before it’s time to go to bed? Or when most people might eat dinner?

Antidepressants can really numb you emotionally but I don’t find that Anticonvulsants do. They just make you cognitively impaired and clumsy. I don’t think that cognitive impairment and emotional blunting are the same thing. Well, unless your stupidity really depresses you? My cognitive impairment can sometimes be a little bit frustrating but you learn to live with it and I just laugh at it. There, laughter and humour are emotions correct? And my cognitive impairment certainly isn’t as bad as it used to be when I first started my Anticonvulsants.

Sure, I can’t necessarily remember the right words at the right moment, I’ve really forgotten how to spell correctly which drives me nuts and also the correct meanings of words. Keep a dictionary nearby or an open tab in Firefox to always look something up. That kind of sucks but it’s hardly the end of the world. Yes, I do miss parts of my once sizable vocabulary but it’s not completely lost. I can still communicate in a relatively erudite fashion and I still use words that some people ask me what exactly they mean. But sometimes I have to ask people what their words mean! Or if I feel really stupid about it, I’ll look up the word later haha.

Some of my colleagues still come to me for the correct words to use, the spelling of them and proper grammar usage which is flattering but sometimes I still have to reach for that damn dictionary just to make sure if it’s a rather complicated one!

When I was a child I was nicknamed “Dictionary _______” (my last name as it was alliterative) because I spoke with such a broad vocabulary it was almost frightening. Sure, they were teasing me but I took it as a compliment. At least it wasn’t as cruel as some of the other things I was called and it indicated a sign of intelligence.

I don’t know how I developed such a vocabulary at such a young age. Reading, I suppose. They say if you wish to increase your vocabulary read, read read! Well, that makes sense. How else is one to learn words? I can’t remember how old I was when I started to read. At least by four but possibly by three. And I don’t really remember my parents teaching me. I don’t really remember my parents teaching me anything but they must have at least introduced me to books.

Here is a link that talks about the stages of child reading. Forgive me but I’m not up on my “child raising” and/or reading and language development but I think that link is good enough. There were some others out there but that one is the simplest to understand.

Now according to these “levels,” I was somewhere between an Intermediate and an Advanced Reader stage by the time I was four to five years old. Probably the most embarrassing moment I’ve ever had was when I was five and our Kindergarten teacher had to leave the class during “story time” and asked me to finish the book! It was a picture book but I had no problem reading it. It was beyond simple.

As I got older my tastes really skyrocketed. I was reading Shakespeare and University Psychology texts by at least 10 years old. I’m not sure how much I got out of the former but I liked the language style, however, the latter I loved. I was trying to “fix” my mother in her completely debilitated mental state. Sad but true.

Interestingly enough, Merlin wondered quite a bit about this and was interested if my hyperactive mind had anything to do with emerging Bipolar traits as a child. I have never heard of this before.

In high school, everything came crashing down and my schoolwork suffered immensely. Beginning of the ADD? I always showed a lot of fidgety behaviour–both as a child right through to adulthood–part of some muted hyperactivity(?) But definitely by my teen years I was severely unfocused and could not function well. By my final year in high school, I whipped through everything to achieve decent marks to go to University–again, Merlin wonders if the Bipolar was shining through there as well.

Then, severe dysfunctionality first time around at University but back to being a bit wild little thing (possibly hypersexed,) doing some drinking when back in my “comfort zone.” Second time at University–BOOM! Bipolar definitely evident. I remember for just one course alone during first year we had to read 20 books! I did it, along with everything else. I believe that was one of the courses where I received an A+. Did I also ever mention that I went to a couple of my final exams completely drunk–one of them, the exam actually increased my final mark! Yes, hello Bipolar. I remember for that one, leaving the bar so inebriated and unprepared, I didn’t even have a pen! I was madly dashing around asking if someone had a writing tool for me. I was also running late and just made it on time. Oh dear.

Now, I kind of wonder what has happened to my mind. Deterioration from illness? Meds messing me up? Probably both. Sure, I might be able to back to University but I doubt I could do it on a full time basis. Even when I was toying with the idea of nursing which would have meant full time studies I think I was a bit hypomanic.

Merlin said he’s helped some people with AD(H)D who have gone on to medical school. That’s reassuring. But I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’d be happy just to be a little bit more focused, be able to enjoy former pursuits (like reading) and not feel so much like an idiot.


So I spent an hour or so chatting online to either the most sex starved vixen or…well…I’m not quite sure.

If this woman is for real, forget everything I have learned about women–EVER.

This was the one who lives in another city but is relocating here and likes me because I sound “complicated.” In fact, my “complicated-ness” seems to be quite an aphrodisiac? I’m laughing as I write this. I don’t know who is crazier, me or this woman! I was seriously wondering if it was a male troll but I have a picture, I have a name, I have a home phone number. She even wanted me to leave a…”message”…for when she got home tonight. I did. In the best way I could. I mean, let’s find out again if this woman is for real or not *laughing* If she is, oh boy.

I really don’t know how to even write this post without getting too graphic. Even for PA’s blog it’s way out of bounds! No, I just can’t get into the details. Sorry. People would flip their shit–and no, that’s not a play on words–PA doesn’t do scat.

I kept trying to steer the conversation back to more *ahem* benign topics but no chance. PA couldn’t escape her clutches.

Now, for sure there are women out there who are sexually confident and know what they want. Okay. But wow. I mean…I really don’t know what to make of this. The woman wanted to meet this weekend but PA is going to be seeing ex-partner.

She’s getting the odd other response here and there too…like while she’s trying to type this post! She got another one the other day for a couple looking for a third. Erm…no, don’t think so.

Oh boy…PA’s just gotten a MAJOR proposition. Where are these women coming from!

*PA lights cigarette in apartment even though it violates lease agreement*

I’m sorry for being a “tease” everyone but again, she can’t get into the details. At least this woman talked about some other things but…the rest! Alright…certainly “interesting” but let’s just say it wouldn’t be your “traditional” relationship. If you’re smart and you’ve read well, one of her other posts or you know PA a little bit, you’ll figure it out. And there is a man on the scene but PA does not have to sleep with him. No picture of this woman yet but her description sounds fine. Let’s just say if PA is a “good girl” she’ll get a picture. There, that should make it all crystal clear?

So far she’s also talking to a woman who may be interested in her for a more “traditional” relationship but PA doesn’t know as they are just chatting.

I still can’t believe people are even responding to my ad.

I should take my meds and go to bed but I’ve also been “told” to keep my chat window open in case erm…well, again, I can’t really tell you. Nothing really bad! Get your minds out of the gutter. But if you’re a little creative in your thinking, you might be able to figure it out. But then the last thing I was “told” was to go to bed so little PA isn’t sure what to do. Ah, well…I’ll take my meds and just wait and see, I guess haha!

Oh dear, PA’s going to get herself in trouble with this stupid dating site. Either that or she’s going to have some very insane experiences…

This will kill some time. He’s a friend who will understand all of this intimately. Time for an email and he also owes me some software installs.

Edit: I just found the perfect song. I’ve been trying to figure out the best time to post The Cramps and what song to do. I find this one funny. So Let’s rock and roll with the Founding Fathers of Psychobilly. I give you: “What’s Inside A Girl?” And sorry for the lyrics below…not very neat but just how they were written. No breaks.

Whoa…there’s some things baby I just can’t swallow. Mama told me that girls are hollow. Uh-uh…What’s inside a girl? Somethin’s tellin’ me there’s a whole nuther world. Ya gotta pointy bra…ten inch waist. Long black stalkings all over the place. Boots…buckles…belts outside. Whatcha got in there yer tryin’ a-hide? Hmmm? What’s inside a girl? Ain’t no hotter question in a so-called civilized world. Can’t see it by satellite baby that’s cheatin’. The President’s callin’ an emergency meetin’. The King of Saim sent a telegram sayin’ “Wop bop a loop a lop a lop boom bam!” Wooee…What’s inside a girl? Somethin’s tellin’ me there’s a whole nuther world. Whatcha got…whatcha got…Whatcha got in the pot? Whatcha got…whatcha got…Whatcha got in the pot? In the bottom of your bottomless bodypit. You got somethin’ and I gotta get it. Come onnn…What’s inside a girl? Like da itty bitty baby takes apart his toys. I’m gonna find what’s rilin’ up the boys. Sugar and spice is just a bluff. You can tell me baby…what is that stuff?! Come on…What’s inside a girl? That wavy gravy got my head in a whirl