Archive for June 20th, 2007

So you know when you don’t want to do something and you think it’s going to be really bad and it isn’t? Well, sometimes it isn’t really bad but it’s still pretty bad.  I am still not liking the outpatient program.  And definitely when I am not feeling well.

So first it was CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.)  Again, the basics were covered and for next week, we are to think of a “situation,” then an “emotion” that is evoked and then the immediate “thought” that follows and then what “behaviour” follows that.  Welcome the the basics of CBT–and all four are linked together so any of them can trigger either of them or all of them so it’s a big mental free for all.

I’m not really sold on it but I suppose it can be helpful when something happens and you freak out and start drawing conclusions and making assumptions and your anxiety skyrockets.  But usually for us head cases you don’t realize what is going on at the time and everything happens so quickly.  Basically CBT tries to get you to slow it down a bit and sort of makes you think…I think.  The point is, this doesn’t exactly happen overnight and doing it in “baby steps” is boring as all hell.  Also you need to do it with a therapist that is properly trained.

Next, Art Therapy.  PA can not draw.  But what the hell, no one else there can either so it really doesn’t matter.  The “theme” was to draw something that no one else knows about you.  Well, that’s pretty funny when you’re sitting in a room full of strangers! No one knows anything about you anyway! I did know one person, B. who was an inpatient at the same time while I was on the floor at dear MAUI.  So I knew a few things about him, I guess.

Now PA is prone to draw her geeky medical crap as opposed to people or situations or whatever.  It’s probably because she has no people in her life or they all suck.  And situations? Well, she has no life.  The last time she did art therapy while inpatient she drew “My Brain On Seroquel” where her brain splitting into two halves with lightning bolts shooting into them.  Today’s drawing was entitled “Gastrointestinal Trauma.”  It was a bad rendering of the entire gastrointestinal tract (oh, come on…most doctors aren’t artists!) with knives shoved into it.  Ha!

True.  I am in PAIN.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I finally reached someone in my Gastroenterologist’s office and they said they would speak to him.  No chance of getting an earlier appointment so I wait until mid-July.  I really don’t know what he is going to suggest.

What does it feel like? It’s hard to express.  I know physicians use patients’ descriptions of pain for diagnostic purposes but PA has a hard time describing her pain.  Ditto with “pain scales.”

While walking home today, it was sort of like what a runner might feel taking off on a trek after drinking several litres of water.  Crampy? But at other times it’s sharp…and also a dull ache? It comes on sort of with rapid onset but then it can linger.  It can last for a quite a while but then it can go away.  I know…confusing for anyone to try to pin down.  It can also move around a little bit if you poke and prod me but mostly it is around the area below my ribs/sternum. That is where it is most intense but sometimes it can go a bit lower.  Again, especially if you start pressing on me.

Pretty much all symptoms are back but the pain is the worst.  I think it might be so bad that it’s actually making me physically tired.  Again, I don’t know what to do.  Nothing will alleviate it.

So, off to the pub for some pints.  Perhaps not the best idea but certainly gastrointestinally speaking, it doesn’t matter.  Everything or nothing(?) I put into me makes my stomach hurt so I might as well get some temporary mental relief.

Well, the mystery of the missing bike pump was solved. I spoke to the downstairs tenant who said he didn’t move it so it must have been the landlord. Again, why, I have no idea. It’s a fairly innocuous thing. I left it right by my bike which seemed a logical place but it was shoved back in a corner possibly never to be seen again? But it was seen by downstairs tenant. PA must be blind as a bat. Well, her eyesight is bad. Anyway, thank goodness I don’t have to buy a new one. Now no more excuses for going for a ride?

No more excuses…lost…I don’t want to go to the outpatient group today but I am well enough, despite the allergies giving me grief again. Oh well, it will add to me looking like I am still getting over a cold, I guess?

Lost. I wrote about this briefly before but I won’t bother linking to the original post as I was ticked off about something so it’s not particularly relevant. But my opening was about the relationships that bloggers can develop via their blogs and how they can sometimes continue their reach “off blog.”

Now, this has happened on some occasions with PA. She’s always invited people to contact her–her email address is displayed on her blog. Granted, it’s not like she’s reached out to talk to any other bloggers personally. Well, actually, I think she has… Is it a reciprocity thing? Do people find PA unapproachable?

But sometimes things change. People shut down their blogs, start going through things in their lives and then–perhaps the “off blog” communication stops. I’m not quite sure why that is. If it’s a temporary thing (i.e. people are still blogging) then they are still around, still accessible. You can still contact them if they are in trouble. If they completely disappear and you have no way of reaching them, then it’s extremely difficult. You need to wait for them to contact you, you sit and worry and wonder if they are alright. For a while you check you inbox obsessively looking for an email from them and then, after a period you just sort of have to say (or try and say)…well, I guess that’s it. Or is it?

I don’t know.

I think blogging is a good thing. It helps me get thoughts and possibly ideas out of my system. I never thought I would have a blog and I’m surprised I’ve stuck with it this long. How long has it been? Almost seven months now? Well, hardly as long as some other people out there but for someone who has a problem sticking to most things, this is surely a record to contend with.

If I know someone is contemplating shutting down their blog, I try and encourage them not to. It’s not so much, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander”…or goose depending upon gender but I try to point out that there is much value in everyone’s words and in what they say. It doesn’t matter who you are. You never know who is reading you and what they might gain from what you feel is your “lack of wisdom.” I have been surprised time and time again when I write, what I think, the most ridiculous, asinine post and it garners responses! So again, you never know.

Indeed, we are all not “insert most accomplished writer of choice here.” You may read someone else’s blog and say…”Oh my god! That person is so unbelievable! I can not compete with them! My blog sucks!” But that’s not the point. It isn’t a blog competition.

I used to do this. I used to feel terribly intimidated by some of the blogs out there but now…well, I’m sure I may have alienated some of my readers (particularly from the medical community as they no longer comment?) but I’ve gained more it may seem from the psychiatric community (as they seem to be commenting.) And I also have commenters that may not fit into either category so again…you never know who reads your blog and who finds it interesting.

I suppose blogging is a living entity. It changes all the time. As far as the people you may meet (as much as PA may hate it) they may drift in and out of your life (either via their blogs or by “off blog” communication.) As far as blogs go, each time someone makes a post, they may have regular posters come by and read or they may get new ones through referrals or search term engines or even by pushing the “next” button on a blog host website! Dependent upon that, a whole bunch of things can happen but I don’t want my analogy to spin off into some giant example of the technoligical wonders of the internet and how we are all “linked” or “connected.” No, I want to keep it more organic.

I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that there are no constants in the blog world. Nothing is static–just like life itself?

Alright, that last sentence is horrible–I positively hate it but I just don’t know how to close that loop of thought. Oscar Wilde (my “most accomplished writer of choice”) I am not!