Archive for June 22nd, 2007

I did it again.

Not brutally but enough.

I saw something on the blogosphere that was a trigger and I went down to the bathroom at the pub.

I decided to do my best to punch the hell out of the mirror and if possible, if it broke do a cutting? Well, I punched it my lucky number: four. Nothing. Then, lucky number seven? Again, nothing. Okay, fuck it. Ten times.

My hand is fine. Just a wee bit of swelling at best (or worst?) and a miniscule bit of pain. I can still type right? There is a tiny bit of blood beneath the skin so a broken vessele? But it’s nothing. I kept my hand aside my pint to alleviate the swelling as I didn’t want to make a fuss and ask for any ice. That would have been disastrous.

But now that I’m blogging and thinking about it, it is kind of hurting, maybe a wee bit. Is it my typing or my awareness. Either way, I could get some ice but it might be too late. The injury happened so long ago.

I have punched things before but not a lot. I have never hit another person. I have to be very worked up to even lash out to “punch” an object.

Lovely. Just fucking lovely.



The Bitch

Edit: Wait a ‘sec…no pain…no…not a lot of swelling…how did I not hurt myself after hitting that mirror so hard.  Even that blood shit is not true.  PA’s got to work on hurting herself more if she really wants to do self harm…  Fuck, she can’t even do that right…


Oh Love, you shameless rogue how you stalk me
In the blackest of night
In my desperate morning dreams
In my days of growing despair

You wrap your gnarled fingers ’round my throat
Yet you remain elusive; I can not touch you
I remain vulnerable to your capture
Praying only for your rapture

But then you are gone
Leaving me lost and alone
Struggling for the breath you have stolen
Though you have left me shaken, and fearful
I still crave your curse

Will you return to me, oh Love?

I search for you everywhere
In alleyways of danger and crevices of pain
Finding only the loneliness you have given me
And people who teach me sorrowful lessons

Have you possibly met them before?

I swear once another time
You visited me again
And fed me poisoned elixir
So drunk did I become

That I stumbled upon another
Who had drank from your same chalice
Until she awoke the next day
And left me as soon as you did

She too visited me in my dreams

And now all I want to do is sleep evermore
For both of you to come back to me
My two Loves, both dangerous, poisonous
But what I crave and need

My cat is acting funny when I take him outside. It has been said that peoples’ pets take on characteristics of their owners over time. Or is it the other way around? He’s being very indecisive (like Mommy.) He always wants to go inside whenever we go out but then wants to come back outside whenever I let him in.

Today he ate grass (not like Mommy) but he’s obsessed with it and he can’t stop (very much like Mommy.) He promptly threw it all up (well, sort of like Mommy but only when she’s really sick.) He likes to sleep a lot (very much like Mommy these days) and is prone to going into hiding when outside (also like Mommy these days–when she actually does go outside.) He also likes to climb up on things and sort of perch for a better view (like Mommy.) I think he has a short attention span (check…Mommy as well.)

At least kitty hasn’t started drinking tea and smoking.

I’m not sure what goes through kitty’s mind or what he thinks of his life. He talks a fair bit (variable with Mommy depending upon mood.) I think he’s pretty happy (again, see last comparison.) I don’t know if he ever questions his life, however.

Mommy’s questioning it right now (her own, not kitty’s.) How do things happen? Why the hell do things happen? I know, I know…no one knows. It’s headache inducing to try and figure it all out.

A lot of the time, certain theories are based upon math and physics but I’m talking about my life–certain events.

I used to struggle with the whole Fate/Destiny vs. Determinism argument. They are both similar in that they are both predetermined but in different ways. The prior is set to the order of the “universe,” if you will and a fixed sequence of events but some believe that you can choose your fate or destiny by selecting different paths throughout your life. The latter is basically determined by cause and effect. In interesting point in the Wiki link is as follows:

Determinism may also be defined as the thesis that there is at any instant exactly one physically possible future.

Oh dear. I’m not sure if I like that too much. Doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room, does it? And that has always led to one issue of Determinism? What about good old Free Will? Check out “The Nature of Determinism” in the link. Now this gets a bit confusing for me because of course, everyone starts arguing about what the hell it means. Now of course, that’s a good thing because it opens up debate and it gets people thinking about it all but again–I’m trying to figure out why things happen in my life! People getting all intellectual and changing things around and messing with the theory isn’t helpful.

My own post is becoming headache inducing enough as it is, let alone my the question with which it all started.

Now, I have a bit of a problem with both of these. I would like to think that my choices of events can impact my life and I think they do but only in the short term and only to a certain degree–and only affecting me. Certainly not affecting others…that has been proven time and time again!

Cause and effect? Yes. That makes sense as far as other people go because if I do something, it will definitely make an effect as to what someone else does or happens but again as to the outcome? I have no clue. However, I certainly don’t feel that it is predetermined. Perhaps I may be more of a Compatibilist like Hobbes or Hume? Here we see that Determinism and Free Will aren’t mutually exclusive and psychologically speaking (hypothetically) determined by our desires, beliefs and character. Further, if not for these, Free Will is necessary to occur for without our desires, beliefs and character, Free Will can not and does not exist.

Okay, we might be on to something.

Chaos Theory is kind of fun. It’s also more commonly known as “The Butterfly Effect.” It’s kind of a misnomer as there really isn’t any chaos involved as it is sort of a form of deterministic theory as well. It just so happens that it appears random events can occur due to the exponential growth of error in the initial conditions that happen. But again, the randomness does not continue. There is a final outcome. At least as far as I understand it? Oh, boy. But check out the nice sort of spiral like pictures they have as a demonstration. I’ll tell you right now, if you could draw my life it certainly wouldn’t look anything like that! More like some messy (random) scribble.

I do appreciate the draw of the randomness because, again, I simply can’t understand why things seem to go awry in my life.

I wish I was a cat.

Note: please forgive my crappy attempt at trying to explain all of this. I’m just trying to be smart and I’m sure there are people who know much more about this out there *grin*