Archive for June 23rd, 2007

I had dinner with a friend tonight…he was the perfect person to speak to. He understood. I cried. Right in the middle of the restaurant patio. I didn’t even care.

A piece of writing that I actually don’t hate.

Come rest your head in my lap Little One
For soon you shall sleep; this day will be done
I will stroke your hair with my feathery touch
I know your great burdens, you’ve carried too much

For I’ve walked the same path with you night after night
I’ve felt the same pain, the anguish, the fright
But know my sweet darling that when you awake
All your hunger I’ll satisfy and thirst I will slake

But if by some chance when you open your eyes
And stretch your weak limbs when you finally arise
You look ’round the room to find that I’ve left
Try not to be angry, be hurt or bereft

Remember me always, the one to take you in
Who loved you the most with your life full of sin
That never will change don’t you know Little One
Don’t count all your days upon one setting sun

You still have sweet memories that waft like a breeze
Through blooming magnolia and lilac trees
But don’t cling too hard! Branches break, petals fall
Just remember them gently; you’ll get through it all

We now continue with our regularly scheduled programming of my Descent Into Madness…


I wrote a joke post about stopping blogging some time back.

Maybe I should.

Not forever, mind you.

But just for a while?

I’m not sure.

I’ve got to figure something out in my head.

And I don’t know if I can write anything until I do.

I’m too messed up.

Things need to stop.

I’m reaching critical levels again.

I am consumed and plagued.

I am ill with certain thoughts.

One would think I could gather a new diagnosis with them.

Dear god, how did this happen?

It’s not my fault but I need to change my feelings and attitude about it.

Alright, I’ve just taken my Seroqeul and Imovane. And had something to eat. They say that Seroquel is better metabolized with food so I might be passed out half way through this post.

Bipolar is a bitch. She’s a cunt. A living hydra. Add in the ADD and the impulsivity just gets worse. It always has for me.

Basically, I suck. But the thing is, I have to suck in order to live. Yes, it sounds strange, demeaning but it is just me. I can not change! I have to accept who I am.

A lot of the time people think I am so “together.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Even this blog can be a foil.

I think about this blog and how coherent or dare I say, cogent it is, how I try to get “off topic” about all the head shit but really, it’s me and who I am. The “head shit” is a big part of me and I think (and still think) it should be the primary focus of this blog. I really don’t think people want to read about the mundane, hourly accounts of how I spend (or not spend) my day.

But I’ll tell you right now. Bipolar and other mental illnesses are not pretty. See my last post about self harm and punching walls! I won’t link…if you’re not finding this off the main page it’s categorized under “Cutting,” for one.

There are also suicide attempts and successes. I’m sure this is hardly an astute statement.

But what is hardly expressible, qualifiable or quantifiable is the pain. What can I say about that? It’s as individual as each person who carries the diagnosis or who fights their illness persistently.

It’s absolute anguish, though. You can not know until you have experienced it.

As far as Bipolar goes, if you are lucky, you can experience relative periods of stability and you almost forget what it feels like to be “unwell.” That is if your meds work. And maybe if you have some decent supports around you that you can rely upon?

And there are so many “classifications” of Bipolar in the DSM-IV (of which I am not a fan) and the ICD-10 (which does give a bit more latittude.) But Bipolar manifests itself in so many ways and changes with triggers and over time. Again a hydra with the possibly of even growing more heads.

I only know intimately the struggles with my own illnesses of Bipolar, ADD, and to a lesser extent Seizures and Migraines (the latter aren’t too bad.) But I’ve met and spoken to many people with severe OCD, MDD, Aspergers, HFA, NVLD, PDD-NOS (okay, let’s just do the whole Spectrum…) PTSD, BPD, Tourettes…what else…?

Bottom line? We’re all in unbelievable pain.