Archive for June 25th, 2007

Good god, I haven’t cried like this since I…I can’t even remember. I rarely cry. I have said this before.

Well, let’s just keep going and get it all out, then. Or try. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Are MacBooks tear proof?

I can barely write this and maybe I shouldn’t even bother.

darkentries told me I was simply “human.” I don’t want to be. I know I am but sometimes it just hurts so much.  I am tired.  But I know (or sense?) that I still have so much work to do to heal.  I could be wrong.  I don’t know.  I feel like a child who doesn’t know anything right now.

Although children can be particularly smart.  It’s adults that are stupid?

I guess this is what can happen when you try and push some things down too much or are either forced to deal with them head on–even when you don’t want to? Or both?

I hide my pain.  To the outside world at least.  I haven’t been doing such a good job of it on my blog lately.

I did and said nothing in group today.  They could tell I was pretty messed up.  I wouldn’t even look at anyone and just stared off into space.  I came home, felt a wee bit better and now this.

I should go to bed.  But that means I have to wake up and face tomorrow.  This is a sign of me being depressed.  I know it well.  The fear of having to deal with another day.

The friend I spoke to on the weekend asked if my meds were working.  Crank up the Lamictal some more? I could talk to Merlin about it if I still feel this way on Friday.  Maybe it’s a useless adjunct for me.  But meds are only part of the solution.  Therapy can help but I feel a lot of it is up to me.

I’m looking for answers, I really am!

Alright, the tears have stopped, the pills have been popped–let’s try and relax…get grounded a little bit.

My, my this blog is going to hell in a handbasket…  I’d post a YouTube but this is depressing enough as it is.

feartheseeds offered some some thoughts about my thoughts regarding blogging of late.  He mentioned that trying to use blogging as some sort of support system wasn’t what I was after.  He was right on that point.  I mean, if it happens, it happens.  He also mentioned that I write more than some journalists do and also about deeply personal things–correct.  Also on the link to his site above, he said that he “hit a wall” during bad times and started writing about a lot of stuff and began to dread blogging.  I have been writing a lot of really weird stuff and I have been struggling with things but I’m not done with blogging yet.

But perhaps I do blog an awful lot.

He also mentioned if my blog was self-destructive? I don’t think so.  It’s still a good way to get my thoughts and feelings out and I think that’s a good thing–a very good thing.  I do think as well that I need to try and blog about some other things.  It’s just that not too much in my life is happening! I know…pathetic? Although, I have made some attempts at writing about other things recently.  But I am having some difficulty trying to get back to enjoying things that I once did and concentration is a big problem.  I don’t know if the ADD is completely out of control or what but I just can’t get it together.  I don’t feel like I’m cycling.

I wrote in a recent post about “head shit” and how it should be the primary focus of this blog.  Sure, it could very well be but there needs to be more things.  When I went back and started looking at my blog from the beginning, there certainly was more variety but I still wrote a lot about being a psych patient–all of my disorders/illnesses of the head and what not.  That isn’t going to stop.  However, I think there needs to be more?

Perhaps when things get a bit more settled for me there will be but just like everything else in life sometimes you just need more time and a bit of a more balanced perspective.  I am working toward that.

I’ve added a new widget on my right sidebar that is kind of funny and serious at the same time.  It’s my “Sobriety Meter” *laughing*  No, really.  I’ve even added in today despite the fact that the day isn’t even over yet–it’s barely just begun.  But I think counting today anyway will give me more encouragement.  I actually don’t have any plans to drink at all.  But usually I don’t anyway.  It’s all very impulsive and I need to work hard on keeping that in check.  I do need to find better things to occupy my time and perhaps that is why I blog so much.

I can’t decide if I will count “social drinking” as “Sobriety Days” or just ones where I get completely blotto.  But I can’t do that anymore.  Maybe falling down Saturday and banging her head so unbelievably hard finally knocked some sense into PA’s fucked up brain.  True, her legs have failed her before but it’s always been med related.  She’s never fallen when off meds? Don’t think so, anyway.

What a bloody disaster she has become.  Again, I am sort of laughing as I write this.  What choice do I have? There’s no point in beating myself up about it–sorry, bad pun again.  I do feel terrible and embarrassed and all sorts of “bad” things but is that really going to help? No.  It’s over, it happened, I can’t go back in time and change what I did.  But the feelings and my actions may serve as valuable reminders.

My head still hurts today and I’m still a bit nauseous.  Again, a valuable reminder? I don’t want to have to feel this way all the time of course and I’m sure my head will heal–both physically and psychologically over time.  “Cheers,” to that.