Archive for June 29th, 2007

I was going to blog about something else that I started this morning but I’m just too damned upset about it.  I had a really bad dream and it’s bothering me.  I can’t get it out of my mind and when I started to look at all the neuro crap about sleep states and dreams and research to try and give my post a “spin” it just upset me more.

So I had a bad dream.  Get over it.  Stupid subconscious mind! Stupid conscious mind that put it there!

But I so rarely remember my dreams and when I do, why does it have to be such bad ones?

I think I need to engage in some Primal Scream Therapy and would do so if either the tenants wouldn’t think I was completely dying or if I didn’t have such a headache.

Although PA has a policy not to delete posts after the “Publish” button has been hit, she will delete “Drafts.”  I keep staring at what I started to write…okay…deleted! Now if only I could delete that dream.

Alright, I blogged about it a little bit.

So let’s blog about Merlin! This is much better!

I saw him for about 30min. this afternoon.  We just talked meds which was fine.  He loves the fact that PA knows her meds.  I love the fact that he loves the fact that I know my meds! So I decided to lower the Seroquel/Quetiapine a bit.  I really may not need 50mg to sleep anymore.  Let’s knock it down to 25mg plus the hypnotic and see how I do.  I’m a little bit concerned about waking up and getting going in the morning as I am returning to work next Tuesday.

I’m actually more than just concerned about waking up regarding going back to work but that’s another matter.  We spoke briefly about that actually and even though I think it will be good for me, I’m kind of freaking out a bit and rather anxious about it.  It’s going to really hairy for the first while and I know I’ll probably be able to settle back into my regular groove but…oh! Little PA is spinning about going back to work!

Shoot! I’d better get checking my work email.  It’s still got to be piling up as I write this! Ugh.  Must remember…must remember…  God, I can’t remember anything these days! I think that’s part of the problem…I just can’t focus…

Anyway, if the 25mg doesn’t cut it, back up to the 50mg–no biggie.

I was waffling on a Lamictal/Lamotrigine increase.  Am I okay at 150mg? I have no bloody clue.  However, due to the next news, better jut stay where I am?

Guess what everybody? It’s stim time! I can’t believe it.  Well, I shouldn’t get too excited as I don’t have them in my little hands yet but I he said I should by mid to late next week? He just needs to speak to his colleague and then the script should be written.  I may not even have to see this man–he might just fax it in to my pharmacy on Merlin’s recommendation.  HA! How easy was that? PA the bloody junkie though.  What a cocktail…

So Merlin actually decided that we go with Concerta/Methylphenidate–also known as Ritalin.  He was concerned that Adderall (mixed amphetamine salts) might have an increased chance of making me go bonkers.  So far in looking at some preliminary reading, this might be the case although again, everyone’s brain is different, including mine.  That’s alright.  We’ll still have it available to try if Concerta is a bust.  Concerta is also an extended release form so again, possibly less of a chance of me having a grand cycling flip out and easier dosing? And yes…slow and steady…  The initial dose is 18mg and I suppose we’ll just take it from there.

I’m really hoping this will work…or help.  And that stupid Strattera/Atomoxetine! Oh, PA really dropped the ball on that one.  She forgot that it was a NRI (Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor–basically an Antidepressant) and she can’t take those! Oh god, she made herself so sick and flew right into a major mixed state.  Concerta works in one way by binding to the Norepinephrine Transporter so it doesn’t flood your brain with the neurotransmitter.  It basically puts it back into it’s own little place where it came from in your brain (a vesicle) to be used later.  Now that sounds good to me because certain Antidepressants stop this from happening.  PA needs neither more Serotonin nor Norepinephrine than what she already produces naturally, thank you very much!

Now this might be good for my head but it might be disastrous for my stomach/body/weight.  Stims are notorious for killing your appetite.  PA may end up thinking more clearly but she might look like a twig.  Her gastroenterologist is in for a bit of a surprise, perhaps, when she rhymes off all the new meds she’s on.  Not that any of the current ones are or have been contributing to her tummy troubles.  The Concerta, however? Well, if it helps my head…  Still, I think he’s got to come up with a better solution than this bran business.  And I suppose I do need to work on better eating but again–not much to look forward to when all it does is make you feel like crap.

So I guess that’s it.  The big news is the Concerta.  This might also elevate my mood a bit as AD(H)D can also bring on some symptoms of depression.  I mean, if you can’t think straight and you’re all lost and forlorn and you can’t bloody do anything, of course you’re going to be a bit prone to depression!

Oh well, speaking of doing things, I did buy a new tripod today.  I hauled mine out of storage and it’s gotten so banged up over the years part of it (an integral part…) is broken.  So, time to get with it regarding the photography? One problem though.  Erm…about not thinking properly, I needed to pick up a Skylight (1A) filter (just a basic clear filter to protect your lens) and I screwed up and forgot that I needed a 67mm and not a 62mm which I bought.  I went to exchange it and of course they didn’t have the 67mm! Now I need to go out to a proper photography store (this was just in my neighbourhood at a small shop) and buy one.  I really don’t want to take my camera outside without one.


Just when you try and get motivated?

…well, I’m getting there. iPod probably needs some charging for my running around to do tomorrow, the meds don’t quite throw me onto the floor in an unconscious little ball for some time…so listen to some music? But try and not pick anything too depressing, right? After old Ghandi there…

Okay, give me a break…what’s with all of the WordPress Server Maintenance crap, lately? It’s a “sign” this post should not be written, I suppose?

So, just doing the shuffle thing on iTunes and up comes a band that you may or may not know: Dead Can Dance. An interesting band, to be sure. They formed in the 80s but I never picked up on them until the 90s. Wiki, again, does a great job of explaining them, their sound and a basic bio. I learned a musical term on its page: “glossolalia!” I know, now you just have to click on the link, don’t you? And I’m not going to link to the glossolalia page! I’m being so mean to you, aren’t I? You’ll have to go to the Dead Can Dance page if you want to know what glossolalia is–or I suppose you could just Google it…

But I did know what part of it meant, or had to do with due to the latter portion of the word–no pun intended.

Interestingly enough, for a band with such a progressive style that can do some pretty interesting (and somewhat bizarre depending upon your taste) things, this was a bit of a surprise to hear on one of their albums/CDs: The Wind That Shakes the Barley. Now, again, if you don’t wish to click on this link, the song is old. Very old. I can’t find an exact date of composition but it was written by Robert Dwyer Joyce (1836-1883.) This is a good link as well as it gives you a tiny bit of insight into what it’s based upon in Ireland and the lyrics.

I love this song. Can I tell you? I love, love, love, love, love this song.

This is a live clip and really, not much difference between Lisa Gerrard’s vocals here and on the studio recorded version. Amazing. Oh. And alright, I suppose it is a little bit depressing as one of my bedtime lullabies but again, I just find it so beautiful.