Archive for June 30th, 2007


I wasn’t going to blog today. I swear. I had a brief flash of insight, however, while actually having enough attention to watch a movie this afternoon on television. It was extremely brief, mind you–probably less than a second this bit of insightfulness. My monumental proclamation?

Even my self medication is becoming boring. Yes, ’tis true. Along with basically everything else in life.

But beyond that, it’s just so awfully bad. I’m getting tired of it. I feel like such a hypocrite. How often do people keep saying this, then keep on going back to the behaviour and then start whinging about it again. How often do they end up sounding like a broken record or someone “crying wolf?” At a certain point, do people just give up on them and stop listening?

Oh here come the tears again…

I don’t know if anyone has been paying attention to my “Sobriety Meter” but it’s been going up and down like a yo-yo. It’s fucking embarrassing. I probably shouldn’t have even added it to my blog. I guess I could remove it…

Things are getting really bad. I’m just letting everything go. Beyond taking care of kitty, everything’s just going to shit. The kitchen’s a disaster, ditto the bathroom, laundry is piling up, the place needs a good cleaning, I’m not taking care of myself very well either, passing out in my clothes, not showering…I just don’t care. Welcome to mental illness at it’s finest. Hey, at least I’m admitting to it, showing you the real side of it and giving you the “inside scoop?” You can always count on PA’s blog for that. I suppose I’m sleeping and still trying to eat (sort of…) That’s a plus.

I honestly didn’t even care to make this blog post but I was “inspired” by seeing someone else post after a while. So here I go being so bloody “prolific” again.

I know I’m hurting myself. I know it’s terrible and harmful. People have told me at times that I am so this and that (insert positive and flattering adjectives) but…? I don’t think I’m self medicating because I don’t like myself. I think I’m in pain, yes. I need to work through that pain and logically, I know that self medicating won’t help but it’s just such an easy and immediate way to numb yourself. And I have a long history of doing this. It’s easy to revert back to this pattern of behaviour when I get “triggered?”

Sometimes, I drink when I’m happy and feeling up too. When the pain of what I’m feeling temporarily subsides. So it’s almost like there’s no winning? Ugh.

And then there’s the loneliness factor. When you’re cooped up all alone for so long and so bored well, you want or need something to do. And it’s not even a “social” thing even though my local pub of choosing is small and I always run into someone who knows me. There’s always someone to chat with. I’ve even gone to places just to sit alone and be with my thoughts and speak to no one. How’s that for irony? Instead of sitting alone at home, I go out and be alone? Again, it’s just another way to escape and to feel–or pretend to feel–something.

I don’t even know what else to say about all of this. I have a tendency to be harder on myself than others. I don’t know if I’m beating myself up about this or simply being uber realistic and really trying to knock some serious sense into myself. After so many years when does the wake up call come? What do I need to do? Get bloody cirrhosis!? And speaking of my liver, with all the drugs I’m on now, I’m probably not doing it any favours by drinking.

Wow. I feel ill just writing this post. Maybe that’s a good sign.

PA’s never been a big fan of country music but ex-partner liked it somewhat. I have a couple of tunes in my collection that aren’t too “twangy” that I find alright. anonymous mom thought my last YouTube was depressing. Well, this one’s not so happy either but it’s rather fitting for this post.

“Whiskey Lullaby” by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss: