Archive for July, 2007

$#%&@*!


I would happily fill this screen with every expletive I could.

I am tempted to shove my finger down my throat for what I ate.

No offense to anyone with Eating Disorders–you know I would not do that.  I am wretchedly sick right now.

Fuck Socrates.

I didn’t prepare anything I couldn’t eat.

Despite “Vomit Trauma” I think I might be able to get over that?

Just took meds–they’ll come up? I can just take them again…  I want to take Gravol too but I’m afraid I won’t get up in the morning.  I don’t want to take another sick day.

*PA crying*

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I swear…I have always lived by this quote…even before I got sick!

Thou shouldst eat to live; not live to eat. 

Hey, at least I had dinner tonight…

I’m getting a bit worried about my pants again…probably just being silly.  Let’s hope.  I’ll find out mid-September? Or sooner if they start falling off?

This is crazy.  And ironic? Her piano playing friend that she met called her from hospital tonight! Massive Crohn’s disaster! They don’t know what the hell but he’s in opiate heaven and still sober as a judge.  That’s right fucked.  He and PA talked of all things about it and treatments and surgeries (in shared opinions they both felt last option indeed.)  PA said if he didn’t mind, stay in touch and if he wanted a vist, she would surely come by the hospital or his home.

Poor dear boy…well, man.

Tummy troubles suck.

PA doesn’t have a formal dx of anything but she knows enough about Crohn’s and everything else as she thought she might have had it.  Who knows…maybe she still does as this current treatment still doesn’t seem to be working?

But she’s certainly not as bad off as Piano Player…shit.

Again, tummy troubles suck.


I was going to do more bitching today as I’m still rather cranky but enough of that. There’s always more time for complaining on this blog and it’s early in the day!

I watched the above film last night to try and take my mind off things. If you like lesbian pieces it’s very good. It’s based on the book by Sarah Waters which is also good but PA lost it in a break up years ago. Oops. She hates losing books. She so rarely loans them out for this very reason as her books are sacred to her.

Anyway, check it out. It’s rather long, however. It was put together by the BBC and originally ran as three one hour episodes.

I think you all know about PA and the British accent thing?

And two words:

Rachael Stirling

*grin*

lulu.jpg


I feel like making a couple of posts today…tonight…wow. I honestly feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. It’s 1530hrs right now (will be later by the time I finish this as I don’t even know where I’m going with it.)

One of the things that I’ve always struggled with is just how quickly things can unravel when you’re trying to manage life with Bipolar. I mean, you can run the gamut from feeling stable to experiencing a trigger that drops you like a sack of dirty laundry–that someone sneakily loaded some bricks into beforehand. Or it can be the never ending battle to achieve stability when you’ve been dropped. Perhaps it’s not a never ending battle but it sure can feel like it at the time.

It’s not that my head is “bad.” I’m doing alright? I think? I’m certainly doing better than I was a couple of months ago or so. I think the steady increase of the Lamictal/Lamotrigine was key to that. I’m now on 150mg and when I was released from hospital I was only on 50mg and that was when…in early May? Many people doubted whether or not I was ready to leave. I don’t think I was. I had no choice. They discharged me–or rather threw me out on my ass. If you’re new to the story they needed a bed for another patient.

Looking back, throughout the course of May and June (perhaps I was doing better toward the end of June…yes) I was not stable–not enough. You could probably see evidence of it on my blog as I think I was writing some pretty kooky stuff! I pretty much went off the rails a bit and I am not happy about it, not at all pleased and well, very, very sorry.

I know we always tend to be hard on ourselves and point the finger backwards but where do we draw the line between illness and responsible behaviour? Is there a line? Is there a line for me? I’ve always said that your illness is not an excuse for what you do but a reason. You need to forgive yourself for the things that you do but can others be so forgiving as well? God, I hope so. So far, I’ve been pretty lucky. Either people have forgiven me or they simply haven’t cared.

I worry. I am worried. Not to the point of obsession, mind you because I know I have to get well in order to survive but this last relapse has hit me hard. At times, I simply just don’t know what to do with myself and about the whole business of it. The issue of returning to work full time is looming and I am concerned about it. I am trying not to think too hard about that and just simply take things day to day but that doesn’t seem to be helping me very much either.

Structure has always been an important part of my strategy of coping and dealing with my life but I feel like the bottom just isn’t there to support me. Or if it is, it just keeps falling out. That is not to say that I fear I will relapse again and have to go running and screaming back to a psych ward. No, I’m not that bad off but I feel like I’m stuck somewhere in this bizarre netherworld between “not well” and “well.”

I’ve never been here before.

I’ve always either been in the throes of complete illness or stable. I don’t like this feeling. I find it quite unsettling and I want to be better. I want to be more like the self I was before I was admitted to hospital in April.

So much has happened in my life since then–or just before it. Wow, things that I never saw coming but what it all amounts to is a whole lot of change. I understand that change is a part of life but I do not deal well with it. Still, I must learn to adapt?

I wish it was later–as late as it feels to me right now. I just want to go to bed and wipe today off the books. Surely tomorrow will be better?

I don’t necessarily think I’m riding the Bipolar roller coaster but am I waiting in line with my ticket stub in hand?


Alright, since there was so much discussion about what on earth was going to happen with my abdominal and pelvic CT here’s the tale. But first, may I just say how absolutely wonderful medical technicians are? Now I love doctors and nurses…paramedics too but I have neglected to state how fantastic these professionals are as well. In the last couple of years or so, I’ve had an EEG and MRI for seizures and now this CT. Everyone was so great. Friendly, polite, tending to my needs. Thank you, thank you beautiful technicians!

So, on with the show.

I arrived a bit earlier and had actually forgotten that this was the same hospital where I had my MRI done. I didn’t have to sit away and rot in the waiting area as they called for me as I was still checking in at the reception area. Wow! So in I went and put on the skimpy little gowns. I was cold so they gave me some warm sheets as they didn’t have any blankets–still better than nothing! One tech came and handed me a rather large cup with a straw full of my lovely Barium. I was a little taken aback at its size. He explained that it was diluted. Thank, god! It was a litre.

May I repeat that? Yes, a litre. Now, I’ve had a Barium X-ray and you have to drink it in a thicker form–more like a milkshake. I could not imagine trying to drink a litre of a Barium shake or “meal” as it is also called.

Now, it was time to sit away and rot. I had to wait about 45 minutes for it to “work its way through me.” Okay, let the mind wander and meander as it normally does…daydream or “evening”dream as it was now getting close to 1900hrs.

So time for the CT. Now this is kind of interesting because along with the Barium, I did get shot up with the contrast dye! I guess they wanted the super duper, high definition pictures?

Probably the most uncomfortable part of it all was the IV. Not so much the insertion although my veins were being a bit difficult. They can be at times and I had to keep making a fist more so than normal, she’d completely cut off all of my circulation rather tightly and still, the tech was definitely having a bit of trouble–finally got it in. I really prefer IVs in my hand but no matter. So yes…before being inserted into the scanner myself, I had to raise my arms. Now raise your hand (haha) if you’ve ever had to do this with an IV stuck in you. Ow! Not particularly a good feeling.

So a few pics without the dye and then a few after the dye injected. The tech told me that it would make me feel “warm.” Well that would be great as I was completely freezing. A few more minutes and all done. I got up from the machine and was shivering with my teeth chattering. The tech said, you’re not that cold, are you? I answered that I was. She told me the dye was supposed to make me feel warm. I told her that it didn’t really–it only made me feel like I had to go to the bathroom!

Yes, it’s true. I felt like I was going to pee in the CT scanner–or that I actually did?! It reminded me of having Nitrous Oxide while at the dentist as a kid years ago that made me feel the same way–although not as warm?

Oh, straight to the bathroom to check that I didn’t have any kind of accident (no, I didn’t) and to get rid of some of the Barium that had worked it’s way through me (no wonder I felt like I had to urinate…?…I did!) And I was so cold, when getting dressed in such a rush, I put my T-shirt on backwards! If it weren’t for the fact that the tag would have driven me nuts and there were logos all over the back of it and it looked ridiculous, I wouldn’t have cared at all.

Anyway, all done and no real sickness. I thought just to keep things on the safe side, I should have something light for dinner–more than just Barium. So, some soup and toast.

I’ll be sure to let you all know if anything shows up but I doubt it.


Read this.

Now I don’t particularly like the headline that they use…”grim reaper…” but kind of…well, I don’t want to say “cute.” People are dying! But interesting? I posted this link because I don’t think this site archives their articles. If it disappears, let me know if you read this post and I’ll try and find another one.

I know certain animals have been used or trained to detect seizures in people. I know my cat used to get extra cuddly with ex-partner when she got sick. Not so much with Mommy which Mommy could never understand.  Thanks, kitty! Mommy gets sick too and needs some love!

Animals are sensitive and can have heightened awareness? Discuss.


Alright so I’m going on Thursday. At first they they had all of these pre-screen questions. Hx of kindey disease, diabetes and such…nope, nope. It was for contrast, presumably? I didn’t know I was going to get shot up. It was confirmed for 0800hrs. Oh dear! Major travel to the downtown area so early! I’m not that far but far enough!

I received a call tonight that no, it’s actually for 1900hrs and I should be there for 1800hrs for Barium. Huh? Okay, maybe I’m not up on my CT abdominal procedures but Barium has nothing to do with any other pre-existing health conditions? I’ve had a barium swallow and no one cared to ask? Other contrasts might be different?

And between the differing appointment times what the hell are they doing?

PA had a CT of her bean years ago. Effexor+PA=fall down go boom. Especially at her highest dose–dear me. Even when it was lowered over time it was still so bad.

No memory=possible concussion. Effexor with seizuriffic people like PA totally lowers the threshold. She totally had myoclonus (basically jerkiness of limbs) all over the place and sort of a “reverse myoclonus” where she would fall down. When she drank for sure. Ha! Alcohol can also lower seizure thresholds but PA’s fine with that now.

She also had other major problems and got so fed up she emailed a very renowned neurologist, Dr. Clifford Saper, at Beth Israel, Harvard. Not out of the blue. PA’s got gumption but he had a website years ago where he would answer questions about all things of the brain. It doesn’t exist anymore. So PA wanted to know if Effexor was causing some seizure activity. He said based upon the above and so much more, get your butt to a neurologist! Her then GP (now fondly referred to as Dr. Asshole now, didn’t believe she was having seizures and refused to take her off Effexor.)

Anyway, after the bump on the noggin the CT (which was just some simple pics in a tube) revealed nothing.

So what’s up with the abdominal and all the conflicting information? I’ve looked into it and yes there is some kind of contrast “stuff” but again, I can’t understand why Barium would cause any issue with a CT vs. an X-ray that I’ve already done.

Procedures suck.


Alright, let’s see if I can pull this off since my brain is mush and I am not feeling up to par. But that’s a nice beginning, don’t you think? Now I’m sure many people could do a much better job at this but it’s been on my “mind” since I’ve been feeling so physically ill.

The mind-body connection is also referred to in the Almighty Wikipedia as The Biopsychosocial Model. Fine, semantics. It explores the fact that quote:

“…biological, psychological and social issues are interlinked systems of the body, similar to organ systems such as for instance the respiratory and cardiovascular system.

Further:

The biopsychosocial model gives great importance to the illness[citation needed]; therefore much more information needs to be gathered during a consultation. As well as the biological signs and Symptoms, a clinician must find out about the patient’s psychological state, their feelings and beliefs about the illness, and social factors such as their relationship with families and the larger community.

For this reason, the interview process should encourage the patient to give as much information about not only the physical symptoms, but how the illness affects the patient. This is a patient-centred approach, and generally involves open-ended questions designed for the patient to do much of the talking. The patient is also better involved in the Psychotherapy, and it includes steps to get over any illness as well as the disease[citation needed], unless the disease is lifelong or progressive.

Alright, I kind of disagree with the fact that the biopsychosocial model still can’t reap benefits if a disease is “lifelong or progressive.” If nothing more, I think it might be more beneficial? Just my opinion. Maybe I’m somehow missing the boat on the model.

So yes, skipping along it states that basically there is a bidirectional (my term) relationship between mind-body and body-mind. Of course this is where I’m going with where I am feeling. Now I don’t think that what is going on with my gastrointestinal problems is the result of my mental illness(es.) Some folks have argued this point but why now? I was stable when it all seemed to happen. I know that mental illnesses can be progressive and true, of course they can affect the body but could it really be that all of my head neurology and brain chemistry caused this whirlwind of severe gastro distress so quickly?

How could that be? I have had tummy troubles all of my life but as I have always said, not to this extent and there were no great triggers.

Now that’s the mind-body. What about the body-mind? I’ve been thinking about this a lot and how it might be affecting my mental state. It could very well be dragging me down a bit and making me slightly depressed but there are a lot of other contributing factors going on. So how can I tell? And really, I am not that depressed. My meds are holding and keeping me afloat except for my concentration. That could be a combination of the Depression and ADD but I really think it’s the latter because I don’t feel sad. I just feel like a stumbly, bumbly fool most of the time that can’t get anything done. And yes, that can be attributed to Depression but I know the difference having lived with this for so many years.

I really don’t *feel* depressed. My moods may shift a little bit but I don’t want to overanalyze too much. I do that enough, believe me! All human beings’ moods shift. And yes, I am mentally ill and suffer from mood disorders and a variety of neurological craziness but…?

Which brings me to my next point. A question about the body-mind connection. If you are “sick,” in whatever form, will it affect you more mentally and psychologically if you do have a mood disorder and are mentally ill? I know that some people dealing with chronic physical illnesses just give up and that’s it. Some are fighters. But if you’re already battling a chronic mental illness, where do you fall? Perhaps it just depends upon the individual.

I mentioned in a comment that I had pretty much taken my physical health for granted as I have always been (relatively) physically healthy. Well, now I’m not. I won’t go as far as saying that what I’m dealing with is “chronic” because so far, no one seems to know what is wrong. But it has been almost a year and well, it’s taken a toll. And continues to do so.

I hope this post makes sense and I’m not sure who it will draw in for commentary…just some thoughts that have been on my mind.


PA is a little sick in the head and the tummy so she will respond to your comments as soon as she can.  Thank you so much for sending them.

For now, it is time to rest a weary mind and body but which is more the worst, she can not not tell.

But because everyone tells her she is so prolific, she did not want to leave her commenters waiting and ignored.

Again, thank you, for without your comments this blog would mean so much less than my simple ramblings into empty space.


I haven’t had a peek at my search terms in a while so I was just browsing…a few made me laugh…I couldn’t even count all the Lisa Edelstein or “Cuddy” etc… ones.

But this one is the absolute best:

“How Can A Woman Masturbate With a Gourd”

I will say that I have never written about this. I will say I have never done this. Therefore, I have no personal knowledge of this. So searcher…you’ll just have to use your imagination.

This is my all time funniest–even if it’s complete gutter humour. Which I am not averse to–hell, no! And it will at least keep my NC-17 rating up?

*laughing so hard*

Past Search Term Ridiculosity:

April 17 2007

May 05 2007