Archive for July 14th, 2007

Well, probably the latter doesn’t matter as much but according to the little tracking tool in WordPress, I’ve had a bit of an increase ever since I’ve come back to writing in the last 24 hours. Interesting. Perhaps some people are receiving me via feeds and doing more reading (an action and reaction) or it’s just blind luck?

I’m still struggling with what to do about my blogging, when to post, how much to post, what to post… But something’s kind of bugging me right now so I’m going to toss it out there for anyone else who deals with the impulsivity issues of Bipolar and ADD (or anyone else who wishes to comment.) I’ve been struggling with those issues lately too.

I’ve been “suitably” medicated for about three years now. Not very long for having these illnesses for at least 15 years or possibly (probably, according to Merlin) more. There was a brief (approximately three month) period when I hit a rough spot and went on Zyprexa/Olanzapine when my then benzodiazepine (Serax/Oxazepam) just wouldn’t cut it. Otherwise, I’ve been on basically the same cocktail with a couple of changes but for Bipolar treatment, it’s been the same for those three years.

If you’ve been following along, I was hospitalized in late April/early May of this year and that has required some med tweaking. We’re probably not done with that yet.

I’ve been doing some strange things lately–some very impulsive things. I’m not exactly completely running amok like when I wasn’t medicated at all but again, I’m not acting in the same way that I was several years ago. I am trying to decide or gauge my “wellness” factor. We are all prone to relapses and has my latest just hit me so hard that I am being transported back to days gone by? Some of my actions of late have me thinking and feeling like I’m beginning to walk a tightrope (or already am?) and it’s not feeling too pleasant.

For every action there is a reaction. I am thinking of some of the things that I have done recently and the repercussions. Do they matter? Can they just be brushed aside and forgotten? Written off like all of the other impulsive behaviours that I have engaged in due to my bungled brain? There is no doubt in my mind–I haven’t harmed anyone…perhaps only myself?

This is where the feelings of guilt and shame come into play. One of the most frequent questions asked when I co-moderated the online fora for mental illness regarding people with Bipolar was how do you, if you can, forgive yourself for some of the most destructive things you have done to yourself and other people? I would always respond that you just have to or it’s unhealthy and you can’t move on. A lot of responders said that they couldn’t do it and felt that they never, ever would be able to. This made me sad.

But in thinking about where I currently am now, I suppose I might be able to see things in a different light. Having to deal with all of the factors of my illnesses yet again…oh dear. I was a lot more stable when working on the fora…for those that aren’t so stable, perhaps dealing with guilt and shame can be seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

Guilt comes from within. When you do something that you are not particularly proud of, you feel terrible about it, you judge yourself harshly and beat yourself to an emotional pulp. For those of us that self harm, it may even come out that way. Shame is something that you still feel deeply emotionally but it comes from an outer perspective where you feel the impact (or perceived impact) of how your actions have affected others. You feel that they judge you as well. It hurts just as much–and it can lead to (more) guilt.

So, anybody else care to weigh in? Anybody else out there dealing with this?

Another one of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quotes that I liked and considered adding to my sidebar was this:

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

So I suppose this is some good advice to take to heart. Once an action and its subsequent reaction has taken place there is nothing that can be done? One can only try and move forward and not be too hard on oneself.

Well, It’s All About the Walls nailed me with this:


Okay…well, I don’t know if I’m so much of a “schmoozer” anymore. Granted with the (hypo)manic states of euphoria PA could really razzle and dazzle and talk someone’s ear off. In Bipolar parlance, it’s known among those of us who have hit certain highs as “that manic charm.”

That is not to say that PA is being boastful. It’s true, though. She’s been there and lived to tell the tale(s). Someone with Bipolar in a euphoric hypomanic or manic state…well, when they walk into the room, pretty much everyone takes notice. You’re oh, so chatty and friendly. Suddenly you are wittier than you’ve ever been in your life. You can remember every funny joke in your lifetime’s repertoire. In short, you do become the life of the party and people are like moths to your flame.

And I won’t even go into the territory of flirtatious behaviour and hypersexuality. All of this wonderful euphoria does have its downside too. Sure you’re the life of the party one minute but then you find yourself in a heap of trouble the next! They don’t call it Bipolar for no reason? Sorry–bad joke. I’m just trying to “schmooze” with you my dear readers?

So who knows…maybe PA’s still got a little bit of that in her–the ability to “schmooze?” As for the insanity of the Bipolarity well…it is a chronic illness so I suppose she’s still got some of that in her as well!

Now the difficult part. Who to pass this little trinket on to…I think it’s supposed to be five or something…let me see…

Well, first off, Cathy’s Place To Blog. Wow. This woman probably deserves all five of my choices. Oh wait…I thought of another pretty high powered blogger who could probably get all five as well. That is Moof. I see them all over the blogosphere and they know so many people! How does that happen? I guess you just have to keep blogging for a while, go visit other blogs and just “schmooze” with other bloggers.

Okay, two down…three to go. Alright, The Laundress definitely as well. She blogs and links within her posts like nobody’s business. If that isn’t a way to “schmooze” readers and keep them entertained, I don’t know what is!

Alright, just because I’m an idiot and I’m running out of ideas…I’m going to nominate Tales From the Emergency Room and Beyond. The blogger goes by the name Couz and that rhymes with “schmooze.” But apart from that, she’s got a great med blog and she’s Canadian like me. Heh.

Hmmm…one more… You know what, I’ve got to do it just because she’s “addicted!” Yep…that would be right, Addicted to Medblogs. She loves her med bloggers and they love her back! Now that’s the power of “schmoozing!”

Now I just have to contact all of these people and hope they don’t kill me. I think Couz might be the worst… I don’t even know her all that well! However, sometimes that’s the best way to schmooze, right? Just jump right in and introduce yourself!

Alright…here’s a post. Apparently people want me to talk?

Went out to the pub tonight. Severe gastric distress. Drowned myself in alcohol to temporarily relieve the pain. Worked for a while–then stopped. Ouch. No. FUCKING OUCH.

Probably hormonal…can’t tell…again maybe progesterone messing around with the LES as it tends to do. But that doesn’t necessarily explain the rest of the gut. Well it could but I already brought this up to my gastro as a “flare.” He was impressed that I knew this but I like to be a smarty pants with my doctors. It either impresses them or pisses them off but either way, I don’t care. Fix me.

Met a GREAT guy. NOT an asshole. A bit younger than me and a piano player *swoon*…yes classically trained and we had a great time talking even though PA knows shit about music but she played him some stuff on her iPod (some fun jazz and yes, the Tallis Scholars, of course!)

We talked composers and he said that Bach was mathematically perfect. Now, PA knows enough about music (okay maybe she knows more than “shit” but she can’t play it?) But she understands that it is mathematical. How interesting a comment on Bach, however.

She asked about Schubert, another one of her favourite composers and he said yes, also good but he was different. Not like Bach. Hmmm.

PA likes Bach, indeed but still has a penchant for Schubert hehe.

Anyway, this is for her new friend. She’s got his information and well, she should call him as she’d really like to hear him play…god…she melts in front of anyone that can play the piano–something she can not do at all!

And another nice thing about her new friend? He’s got Crohn’s so he understood PA’s undiagnosed tummy troubles and was worried about her lugging her stupid case of Ensure up the damn hill! He sent her home in a cab that took all of a minute to get her home! What a nice guy… Again, we sick people have to stick together?

So here I give to you the Master, Glenn Gould, playing Bach Partita No. 6 (or a portion thereof…) and also to my new piano playing friend.

And even though PA’s gay he’s really cute too! If I was straight, I’d be all over the guy, I tell you!…can I take a bi vacation…? Hmmm… What am I saying?! It’s either the “piano playing effect” or I’m hitting some kind of (hypo)manic surge. Either of which is okay. And so is being bisexual but the latter doesn’t apply to PA. And no, I’m not referring to Glenn Gould, the cutie is the guy I met in the bar tonight…hehe…

EDIT: Oh dear…thankfully it’s the weekend and I’ve got the Gravol/Dimenhydrinate on hand…between that and the sleepy meds I should feel okay? At least overnight?  I’m mad at my tummy! >:(  I’m tempted to up my Seroquel to just to take a chemical sledgehammer to my head.