Archive for August 6th, 2007


Okay…you have been forewarned by the title of this post.

I could scroll down to give more warning.

I can keep writing in single sentence paragraphs to give you more warning.

If you are perceptive enough you will know what has happened?

What do you think has happened?

WP displays the length of the post, no matter, on the screen so you will see it all, anyway.

And this may be a little bit graphic.

My cat died this afternoon. I am still crying as I am typing this.  I think part of me went with him? And perhaps not in a spiritual way but I really feel like a part of me has died as as well.  Boy…I thought I was living lonely before? Just lost the most loyal friend I had.  I know that is the grief talking but this post is about the pain and experience of it.  That happens too.

Time to break the lease again and light another smoke inside the apartment. What else can I do? Well, I did drink but that’s for later. I will try and make this as coherent as possible as I am an emotional wreck. And this might be a bit long. And there goes my appetite that I was working on?

I don’t know what happened. I was busy doing chores and such. Kitty was fine during the earlier part of the day, eating, chipper. As I went about my business, I occupied myself and kitty was quiet. Sleeping I presumed. Cats sleep a lot.

Laundry was primarily the order of business. Up and down the stairs. Around my third load, I went to have a look and I found him under the bed. Now if you are a cat owner, this can and might mean something. The thought briefly passed through my mind but I thought, oh you silly boy, what are you doing under the bed!

I went to rouse him but I couldn’t. Oh, dear god. I’ve actually looked into rigor mortis and signs of death in cats (yes PA is still doing research on her dead cat while freaking out in mourning) and well…she can’t exactly place time of death but between when they were last “seen together…” well, he died fuck, who knows? She probably found him only within a few (or less?) hours of his death.

I picked him up and held him in my lap and sobbed. His eyes were open and his tongue had slipped out of his mouth. This is apparently a sign of early rigor and dying in sleep? I cradled his limp body and petted him in some stupid way to try to revive him and bring him back to life even though I knew it was futile. His bladder hadn’t fully voided so I got a little bit soaked in his urine. I didn’t care. He was my baby boy.

I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t want to let him go! But I couldn’t keep him. I couldn’t hang on to his lifeless body and hold it forever as I sat on the floor.

I had another cat that lived, the three of us together. I named her Bala (Sanskrit for “Strength.”) She got sick and died and I had to have her put to sleep. It was hard but at least I got the chance to say goodbye. With my boy (his name was Mozart) I never had a chance.

How he came by his name? He was black and white so I thought of piano keys and picked a composer. An easy name and Mozart could be shortened to “Mo.”

Wow, my cats were smart. I trained them like dogs. They came when they were called and “Mo” was so chatty. We had great conversations.

So again, what to do? It was a holiday here today and no Veterinarian Offices were open in my neighbourhood. Not that they could probably do anything. I knew where I had to go. And I knew who I had to call. Ex-partner. Oh no…would she be as much of a disaster as I was? She loved him just as much as I did when we were together. I didn’t know if she was even home as she had a conference to attend out of province so I called a friend of hers/ours(?) to see if she was back. Yes, she was. I left a very tearful and frantic message to call me.

She rang me back and came over and off we went to a 24 hour Emergency Clinic that handles cremations.

Fuck.

I wrapped him up in one of his favourite blankets as I didn’t want ex-partner to see him. I know she wouldn’t be able to handle it. I could. Again, he was my baby and I just kept holding him and stroking his body.

Please come back. I’m sorry if we didn’t spend enough time together. You know I loved you, right? Thank you so much for the love you gave me? I’ll never forget you.

Ex-partner came and she was fairly solid. I asked her if she could drive. She said she could. Lord knows, I couldn’t. We talked about some other things to try and keep our minds off this shit but eventually it all came back to Mozart dying. I tried not to cry but I couldn’t stop. I held him on my lap but sometimes his body kept poking out of the blanket and again, I kept trying to hide it from ex-partner.

We made it to the office and they ushered us in, pretty much bawling into an exam room. They said to take our time. I wanted to stay there all night but I knew at some point I had to let go. I said to ex-partner, sort of in jest to break the tension, “This fucking sucks!” We both kind of laughed. It still didn’t stop us from crying for very long. So they took him away after we left the room. I asked for the blanket back. I need to wash it along with my feline urine stained pants as it is probably urine stained as well.

So ex-partner drove me home. She played a rather light hearted song to try and make me laugh and it did a little bit. She said that one part of it made her think of me that was very thoughtful but it still couldn’t get my mind off of Mo. She asked me if I would be alright and I said, well, what choice did I have? I asked her, in return, if she would. She said, yes. I even offered her an Imovane as I know she has problems sleeping and in light of this day/evening it might be tough on her. I know, I know–don’t dole out your meds but ex-partner had a script for them at one time and now? Maybe no better a time. Ex-partner said she was sleeping fine these days.

Fuck me, how am I going to sleep? I’m going to miss his warm, furry body curled up to mine in bed tonight. And maybe for more nights to come.

So when I walked in the door, I just couldn’t bear it. No Mo to greet me, I looked at his food bowls that I would never fill up again. It was time to go to the pub. I changed my pants…couldn’t go out smelling like that.

I ran into R. He’s an older man who always takes care of me. He fueled me up and paid for it all. I must have looked like the walking dead–oops…bad thing to write. Nonetheless… I also ran into M. who I have pretty much enlisted as my “bodyguard” and a woman that he is dating, A. I told them. M. immediately ran out to a shop and bought me a “Sympathy Card” which they both signed. Wow. Unbelievable.

I know that this is part of the territory of owning pets. The bring you so much joy but eventually they do die. Everything dies but animals are different.

God, I loved him. I still do.

I know I have some comments building in my Inbox. I’ll get to you all–I promise.