Why Do I Care So Much What Other People Think Of Me?
I’ve always had a problem with this. I mean, seriously–almost to the point of a neurosis. No wait. At times, definitely to the point of neurosis. Maybe with some kind of short term miracle, I tend to forget about these feelings but one thing that I’ve noticed with the outright anxiety, panic, depression, fear, self-flagellation (need I go on?) is that it’s directly proportional to how much I care for the other person involved.
So is there anyone else out there that goes completely berzerk in this fashion? No, I mean really out of your mind.
I keep going back to trauma growing up. Trauma, trauma, trauma. Well, that could explain a lot for me being messed up but could there be any other reasons? I got so sick and tired of going through pages and pages on Google. I did find this little blurb about Self-monitoring. There’s even a little quiz! I hate online quizzes. Nonetheless, I did it.
According to it, I am a High Self-monitor. This supposedly means I care very little of what people think of me (or not at all–according to the page.) Huh? Okay.
So delving a little bit further into Wikipedia you have a brief little bit here. Now what it mentions is that Low Self-monitors will be more influenced by Trait theory and High Self-monitors will be more influenced by Situationism. Now the Situationism link isn’t bad but the Trait theory one is a little rambunctious if you’ve looked at it. I’m still a little confused as to where I fit in to all of this.
Okay, the latter is a “stub” but from all that is there is a bit of a suggestion toward “extraversion.” Well, sometimes?
The former? Good lord, how headeache inducing is that! Let’s try to make some sense of it. So you’ve got either three or five traits based upon reducing data to try and get the best results among answers on some tests. The three trait model includes: “extraversion,” “neuroticism” and “psychoticism.” The five trait model includes: “extraversion,” “neuroticism,” “openness,” “conscientiousness” and “agreeableness.” Alright so for whatever reason, both models have the first two in common. But the “trait-linkage” if you will, does not match up between both models. These are referred to as the “Lower order factors.” And interestingly, “psychoticism” seems to have some polar opposite Lower order factors.
If you’ve looked at the link is your head hurting yet? Mine sure is.
Se let’s just turn it all back to me. Yes, I can be an “extravert.” In fact, if you click on the “neuroticism” link you can be a neurotic extravert! Wow…that is me:
From Wikipedia:
On the opposite end of the spectrum, individuals who score low in neuroticism are more emotionally stable and less reactive to stress. They tend to be calm, even tempered, and less likely to feel tense or rattled. Although they are low in negative emotion, they are not necessarily high on positive emotion. That is an element of the independent trait of extraversion. Neurotic extraverts, for example, would experience high levels of both positive and negative emotional states, a kind of “emotional roller coaster.” Individuals who score low on neuroticism (particularly those who are also high on extraversion) generally report more happiness and satisfaction with their lives.
I could definitely fit in with the “openness” and the “agreeableness.”
But you know what? I still haven’t got any answers as to why on earth I care so much what other people think of me.
Ah, wait! The science! Possibly low levels of arousal in the reticulo-cortical/limbic system! You know what that does? It basically screws up your emotions! This would sort of fit in at least with the neurotic ones needing to become extroverted. Nothing proven though. Although my neurologist always kind of wondered if my limbic system was messed up.
So to wrap it all up? That is if you haven’t perused the links. You’ve theoretically got some major or more significant traits and these lead to other traits in Low Self-monitors that according to Self-monitoring, is more consistent. Traits are traits? This again is Trait theory and means you care more about what other people think about you (me!) High Self-monitors according to Self-monitoring will ascribe to Situationism and monitor/modify their behaviour in situations to suit. They will do this to appear favourable. They supposedly(?) won’t care so much about what other people think (not me!) Now, I might in some cases modify my behaviour but I certainly do not in others! I don’t think? I don’t know?
And yet…why do I care so much what other people think of me?
I think I’m just nuts. And this post might be making me a bit neurotic…
What will people think of it?
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Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case 
August 12, 2007 at 01:53
I checked out the self-monitoring thing. The site defines self-monitoring as:
“Basically, self-monitoring is defined as ‘the degree to which we vary our self-presentation to match the people we’re with.’ The more you vary your personality, conversation, and social presence to suit the people you’re with, the higher you are on the self-monitoring scale.”
So, if you are a high self-monitor then you DO care what others think about you.
Situationism and trait theory are trying to describe the same thing, personality. Situationism focuses on external factors i.e. situations) and trait theory focus on internal factors (i.e. traits and motivations) in order to model personality. So both theories can be used to help you understand your personality. I tend to like interactionism (also referenced on the wikipedia situationism page) which argues that personality can best be understood considering both external and internal factors.
In summary, I can use both trait theory and situationism to model personality and understand why you scored the way you did on the self-monitoring quiz.
It makes sense that a high self-monitor would be easier to understand in the context of situationism because situationism focuses on external stimulus. And a high self-monitor (someone who cares a lot about what others think) is generally focused on changing their personality and/or behaviors to suit others and thereby gain acceptance.
Vice-versa, a low self-monitor is more consistent with trait theory – given that it focuses on internal characteristics. Low self-monitors are not as concerned with others and are not overly concerned with modifying their personality and/or behavior based on external stimuli.
But again, I don’t think that an individual personality can be fully elucidated by trait theory or situationism, we need to use both.
“why do I care so much what other people think of me?”
This is an altogether different question, the only theory (of the ones mentioned above) which tries to answer this question is the 3F model of trait theory. And it holds that your personality is a feature of your brain chemistry. What you mentioned about the low levels of arousal in the reticulo-cortical/limbic system would be consistent with the 3F model.
These models are not particularly helpful in answering your question. And I am not sure that you will find one that answers the “why?” question.
So, I guess my question to you is:
Why is it important to know why?
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August 12, 2007 at 01:57
Oh, you showed me yours – so I will show you mine. I am exactly in the middle of the middle self-monitors (27).
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August 12, 2007 at 02:42
Hi aikaterine, well…I think it’s pretty clear who should have written this post! I was just trying to actually write something of intelligence for a change on my blog and you pretty much did a better job of it in my comment section.
Well done!
Is it important for me to know why or was I just using that as a writing hook–a way to just to start the topic post and then repetition to keep it going because the theories still didn’t answer the fundamental question of why have I always felt this/that way?
Perhaps both. It’s not something that plagues me every waking moment but it is a question.
I don’t know. It was just something on my mind and I thought it would make a good blog post. I guess?
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August 12, 2007 at 02:46
You wrote a fabulous post. And I am glad that the question does not plague you. Why questions are rarely answerable in totality, elusive little bastards.
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August 12, 2007 at 03:00
Thanks aikaterine but you’re still smarter than me *sticks tongue out*
Well, it plagues me but only when I’m in the throes of it (i.e. in total panic mode, caught up in the moment, “What the hell are they thinking of me?!) If I can’t get it resolved then I still might worry and not be able to let go.
Some of this could possibly be resolved or dealt with through CBT? But it’s years of undoing…
As far as unanswerable questions? Well, I suppose if we could answer them all, we’d be all done here then? No more work to do…end of life as we know it? The only “problem” is that possibly the most painful ones cause us strife, challenge and difficulty in life?
I guess the choice is to keep looking for answers or quit? It might depend on the level of pain? I’ll never quit. I want all the answers. I don’t care what they are…good, bad…don’t care.
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August 12, 2007 at 09:13
I want all the answers as well. It’s sort of a pain to want all of the answers and realize that you will not ever know them. But the search is fun and worthwhile all by itself.
Still, it would be nice to just wake up one morning and ‘Know’ everything.
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August 12, 2007 at 16:21
Wow…a bunch of budding psychologists here!
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August 12, 2007 at 19:12
CBT is not bad,you kinda look back at yer life and look for trigger points.
mine was moving from junior school to high school.
plus terrible acne/spots and then very early onset male pattern baldness.
no wonder i have low self esteem.
tis funni now though,cuz some of the folks who used to slag me off for goin bald are getting a bit sparse on top themselves.
karma comes thru again.
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August 13, 2007 at 02:06
Don’t most of us care somewhat what other people think of us? Isn’t that kind of normal? I think what’s important is the degree to which we do that. Where it becomes a problem is when it dictates what we do or incapacitates us from truly being ourself. I used to be very much worried about what others thought, now I care much less as long as I feel happy that what I’m doing is the right thing. I credit my stepfather with that – because, opposed to many others who would undermine my self-esteem, he built it through his encouragement and belief in me – did I have him fooled or what? :) Practical Man never gives a hoot what others think of him and I’m not sure that’s necessary a good thing….
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August 13, 2007 at 03:18
I got 29, which is hardly surprising to me, as I am the epitomal ‘sometimes’ guy, on all psychological tests.
It is pretty much hardwired into our brains to care what other people think, because our survival depends on belonging to a tribe, safety in numbers and all that. We want to belong. We want to blend in. Therefore, to achieve our continuity, we have to monitor our behaviour and attempt to pattern ourselves after our tribe.
The larger the tribe gets, the more confusing we find it because the sheer amount of stimulus we need to assess is overwhelming, and there is no real behaviour model to follow. Hence the need to join smaller and smaller subcultures that have defined behaviour, dialects and societal rules. We were a tribal culture for millions of years. You can’t shake that with a few thousand years of large communities.
If you are particularly neurotic about what other people think of you, it generally means that you do not feel as if you belong to a tribe and your identity is in crisis.
My advice, join a knitting circle.
(excuse my anthropological ramble….it bursts out sometimes when I’m off guard)
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August 13, 2007 at 07:20
darkentries –
I never thought about it that way, but it makes sense. Interesting…
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August 14, 2007 at 11:37
Hi aikaterine, yes…to “know…” I’ve often thought of omniscience too but that would truly be frightening, I think. I’d have the “Cassandra Complex” written all over me!
Hey Symbiosis…actually, I’m not quite sure if psychology is really my forte. I don’t think so although I used to want to pursue that as well. Good heavens, in looking back in life what didn’t I want to do? If that doesn’t spell ADD then what does? And no follow through? That’s definitely ADD.
I only went as far as Psych 101. I did not receive a good mark. Now this doesn’t really make sense to me. PA is intelligent and the material was not difficult. In fact, she was such a little Bipolar mouthpiece should would argue points and debate right out in lecture. How funny…
This may have been the reason? It was a summer course and who knows why but they had three different professors teaching it. Okay. So for the third part there was this young guy. Well, perhaps he liked PA’s mouthpiece style or thought she was cute or something so one night he asked her to stay late after lecture.
Don’t worry everyone–this isn’t going anywhere bad or inappropriate–except perhaps on his part but professors and senior people in positions have sex and mess around with their juniors all the time.
Don’t worry–we didn’t have sex.
Anyway, he asked PA out. PA’s so stupid! She was like, sure, let’s go out! Hello, PA! He means a date you idiot!
So off they went around the corner to a local pub for wings and beer. Fine, fine…chit chat…then they went to this really bad place back at the campus where it was rumoured that there had been sexual assaults–this very large AND DARK forested area.
Again, PA is stupid! And she was Bipolar and wingy.
Well, nothing happened. He was fine but did ask PA for another date. PA politely declined and actually said she was gay. I don’t think this went over well. Not so much the gay thing but just the decline of the second date thing.
Maybe that’s why she didn’t do so well in the course…
Okay…wow, I’m so off track…but it’s a ridiculous story. My entire life is one long ridiculous story. Crap, that should have been a blog post in and of itself.
Hi sodajerk, I know about teasing and bullying too and I often wonder as well how much it has messed up my self-esteem. I too would like to think “what goes around, comes around,” even though I still don’t like to wish harm on anyone. But I do think people should be accountable for their actions.
HP, very true. Yes, there were so many times when I acted in certain ways to please others. I don’t do that anymore so at least I have tackled that one.
Interesting you should mention Practical Man’s take. While looking at some stuff on Google, I found a lot of other people “talking” about this on message boards. There were a surprising amount of people that said flat out, they didn’t care what other people think. I found this rather strange. I agree with you that even to some extent, nutty or not, it must cross peoples’ minds?
darkentries, I love it when you get all Anthro. on me. No really, it was one of my favourite subjects. I wish I could have pursued it further but when in Uni., that was where (apart from the Bipolar) my ADD really flourished. I couldn’t pick a subject to stick with to save my life. I loved them all! But going back now…well, I’m still a little torn between some but Anthro. is way up there.
But in light of your comment, what I think is most interesting is how you can look at this question from many angles and approach it in trying to find an “answer” in many ways.
Holy…I think I need a nap after responding to this but I’m at work–not working. I could curl up under my desk at my workstation but that might be a little odd. Well, they know I am odd here.
If people can get through my response they deserve a medal. Granted, I’m sure I’ve written some significantly longer posts?
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August 14, 2007 at 13:05
I’d like a medal please…
I don’t mind if you don’t post or comment, but maybe you can have a draft ‘No post today’ post that you can slap up every time you’re not going to post for a whole day. That way we know you’re ok.
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August 14, 2007 at 15:55
I get one too
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August 14, 2007 at 17:44
excellent post.
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August 14, 2007 at 19:55
Hi darkentries, send me your address and I will try and find you something. I know you like army surplus items so perhaps I might find well…hmmm. Lord knows I could never make you something but I do know of companies that make fun “awards” for corporations and such as I have received one from work. Nonetheless, I could probably come up with something?
Or I’ll just buy you something you want.
Actually, going back to ex-partner on…oh what holiday…and this is leading somewhat to my next post because it has to do with ex-partner but gold coins…yes Hanukkah. Always gold coins coins for the kiddies. Not quite a medal but you can eat your medal?
Ditto aikaterine…whatever I can dredge up is yours too. Just let me know where to mail it/them. Again, despite the chocolate coin silliness that probably a) wouldn’t get over the border and b) would be a melted mess if it did, I believe I could/might find some neat stuff in an army surplus shop here. If not a medal, a neat pin.
I did once buy a crazy Russian pin of Stalin that all the kids wore back in the…oh, I don’t know but a Russian ex-girlfriend told me she had one. Later, someone told me it was inappropriate to wear it on my beret.
Okay. I just thought it was neat piece or history. Maybe not.
Again, PA is dumb. Sorry for buying the Russian Stalin pin and wearing it, everyone!
Thanks damewiggy for dropping by and reading. I’m really glad and flattered you liked my post.
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August 15, 2007 at 03:20
Listening to Soundgarden now…from your sidebar.
It was doodles birthday a couple of days ago.
Still no internet for him. He does read email and stuff at the library so feel free to email him. He may not have the energy to write back but I know he appreciates any contact from people who care, even if it’s just a hi. It all helps.
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August 15, 2007 at 12:34
Hey darkentries, good to know my MP3s are getting some play.
I just got an email from him so I will definitely wish him a Happy Birthday. Thanks for the heads up.
Oh indeed…contact from anyone–EVERYONE helps!
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June 11, 2009 at 18:25
I know this is a several years old post, but in searching for “why do I care what others think of me,” it popped up! I have a caring too much about others think issue also. My analysis is that perhaps it comes from my none-too-clear spiritual beliefs–if the only “afterlife” I expect is other people’s good memories, no wonder I care what they think! If I felt held in the palm of the goddess or something, perhaps then it wouldn’t matter to me so much (I’m working on this feeling!). As it stands, other people’s perceptions are sort of my default immortality :(
Hope you’ve had some resolution in the last two years!
Best wishes!
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June 16, 2009 at 16:35
Hi talkbirth, welcome to my blog as I haven’t seen you here before. It’s not a problem at all that this post is rather old. In fact, I really enjoy going “back in time” when someone comments on the older ones so I can read what I had written and what other commenters had to say.
Just for “fun,” I did the quiz again since my dx of Asperger’s and I dropped into the Middle Category. Huh. Although, I wasn’t sure how to answer most of them, probably because of the Asperger’s. Not that these quizzes mean crap.
I find your take on this issue very interesting. Wow. No one here ever shot that one out! However, we all think so differently.
Hmmm…the afterlife and how you will be remembered. Quite intriguing because it hinges more on the future and not so much in the present at all, right? Sure, it straddles the fence a bit as the perceptions are derived while you are still living. Plus, as you say, you are trying to deal with the future of an afterlife so if you can get that sorted, these current perceptions and how they hinge on the/your future will hopefully lessen in value. I see.
Again, very interesting. Even though, it my eyes, I feel that when I die it doesn’t matter. When I’m gone; I’m gone. At that point, I won’t care at all what people think of me.
Thank you for the best wishes, as well. I really appreciate that.
Take care,
PA
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September 4, 2009 at 13:18
Caring about what others think of you incessantly is a sign of not having a healthy or grounded sense of self.
You trust what others think of you first and foremost because you’ve not learned to trust/value your own instincts and input.
So many times, caring too much of what others think of you is because you do not KNOW how to have a strong sense of self.
This could be a result of the way you were brought up…..or you could be inherently self-conscious due to genetic factors. In any case……….you have to learn to re-parent yourself and that means taking a really hard, honest look at yourself. Pinpoint and examine your strengths, weaknesses, (and this is important)…….you have to pinpoint weaknesses in yourself that is hard to admit to even yourself.
Admitting and owning up to wrongs we’ve inflicted on others…….and that means leaving out all the “ifs” “but ifs” “becauses”……..and any other justification one derives for reasons they do wrongs. Also own what you do right and the good you’ve done. Likely…….you pay more attention and give credit to the wrongs you feel you committ moreso than the rights you do and the good that comes from it. A guilty mind will never stop worrying……..so do the next right thing and if someone thinks ill of you……….then it’s their stuff and leave it with them……no matter how you view them.
Lastly……..in going forward…….when you say something that you worry that someone you respect and admire may view you less for………..ask yourself if that person will lose sleep over you.
What’s your answer…………..
Likely the person you’re so worried about won’t lose an ounce of sleep over you……….but you’re likely going to lose sleep over them. (make sure you’ve not done them a wrong)…….
Now……..that being said. Never be too hard on yourself. We all say and do things that are stupid, wrong, silly……..but ya gotta give yourself a break.
Instead of obsessing of what someone thinks of you for however you’ve inadvertently presented yourself ……… just give yourself a break.
Throw it around in your mind for a few minutes……..and then…………CHUCK IT!!!!!!
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September 4, 2009 at 14:56
Hi Shell. Thank you for your very thought provoking comment. This is definitely an area that I know I need to work on in my life, so a lot of material to ponder here.
Perhaps others may benefit from it as well, as interestingly enough, this post receives a lot of hits/views. That may mean others have similar issues.
Take care,
PA
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September 4, 2009 at 15:53
PA
I normally don’t leave comments on any of the sites. I just lurk………but this site meant something to me…..because I have worried about what others thought and was brought up to believe if the right people thought the right things about me………and liked me…..then I must be ok. Some of these people I didn’t even like (personally)
It led to some pretty disastrous results for me……..so I speak from experience.
It took alot of time and hard work……..but worrying about image can kill us. We should be concerned what others think/feel to an extent………but when it’s obsessive……there’s a problem that we need to address to have peace.
I still revisit those old ways of thinking……..but I have tools now and understand some truths that I didn’t have before.
:)
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September 4, 2009 at 16:02
Hi Shell, thank you for coming back and thank you so much more for taking to the time to comment as a “lurker,” and then to go on to say that my blog has meant something to you. You do not know how much that means to me!
Yes, I agree to how it can lead to disaster–well, from my perspective. It has hurt me so much personally. Well…it has gotten me into other problematic situations as well!
That’s great that you have managed to achieve what you have done. Again, I know it still is something of an issue for me and I have to keep working on it. Your words are very encouraging, though. Most definitely!
*grins back*
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April 5, 2010 at 19:22
There’s a fine line between being an asshole and not caring what others think. I stumbled on this blog because I struggle with friendships. I too care what others think. Most people have given me Shell’s advice to just coach myself through it. The problem though, for me, is when I stop caring…I still dont have friends. I suppose on at least I’m not losing sleep over it if I’m just being a total asshole and not giving a shit what others think. But when you find yourself bad at friendships, you have to wonder, “what am I doing wrong?” And the only way to fix that IS to care what others think. So to take a step in the right direction, I care what others think. But I still suck at life, and people have told me, “well you come across as trying to hard.” How the fuck am I supposed to care about peoples’ opinions without appearing to care?!?!
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April 6, 2010 at 16:47
Hi fermata. Nice to meet you, and welcome to my blog. Thank you for you comment. It’s given me a different perspective, and something to think about. At the very least, how things may differ for us regarding this issue.
I’m not sure at all what to say about a fine line of being an asshole, and not caring what other people think. That is just me, however. I think that may be because I don’t judge people. I would be extremely hard pressed to call someone an asshole! I would say they were acting like an asshole, perhaps? Not that they were one.
True, what Shell had to offer, above, makes sense. Obsessing and ruminating about things really can do us terrible harm, and make us so ill. But how do we balance it? This is a painful thing. As such, that balance is susceptible to being tipped much more easily.
So, is it like you say at the end? Or similar?
Thanks again for stopping by.
PA
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May 30, 2010 at 19:56
hi. i have this problem as well. in fact…it’s really starting to get to me. nice to know i’m not alone.
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May 30, 2010 at 20:05
Hi tristantzara87. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. I suppose in one way it’s good to know that you have this problem too, but not so good in another way?
I’m sorry to hear it’s starting to bother you a lot now. It’s upsetting when things like this tend to creep up on us. Very much so, in fact.
But…well, I’m glad to hear that you don’t feel alone now that you’ve read this post. PAs playground is meant for exactly that. A safe and welcoming place for everyone to hang around, have fun, share…do whatever they want. Except be an asshole! *laughing*
Please feel free to come back anytime. Absolutely.
Take care.
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November 30, 2010 at 19:04
I used to care wat people thought, but then I realized that I could never really know what someone else thought of me… I would only be afraid of a projection, not the real person…so then it didn’t matter to me anymore
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December 2, 2010 at 17:04
Hi Caleb Clayton. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog.
That’s an interesting point you bring up. Taking into consideration another person’s view or thought of you as a “projection.”
Now, I’m not sure if you mean the psychological definition of projection or not. That being, where a person who has certain qualities etc… then believes that someone else does as well. It may go so far as the person projecting will alter the behaviour of the other individual. Things can get pretty unhealthy there.
If not, then perhaps we’re talking of a “projection” as a perception? In that case, you realized you could get past the fact that it was simply a perception and quite separate and distinct from the person as a whole. Maybe a “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” sort of thing?
If I’m not getting you right, let me know.
Take care,
PA
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March 20, 2011 at 18:44
I have recently wondere whether there was someting really, immeasurably wrong with the WAY I process thoughts. A few search results on Google indirectly suggest that I am afflicted with Bipolar disorder, Social anxiety, clinical depression, major depression, severe/menstrual mood swings. Sorry for the language, but… WHY IS MY BRAIN SO FUCKED ???
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March 21, 2011 at 17:10
Hi Coralinda. Welcome to my blog, and please don’t worry about swearing. I do it enough around here on my own!
You sound kind of upset and frustrated, but that’s okay. We all get that way. I know I do! Then, sometimes being upset and frustrated, just leads to more upset and frustration! It sucks, but we’re human. We have emotions.
I can’t speak for the entire population on the planet, but I’m willing to wage that when things aren’t going so well in our lives, we may ask that question (or some things similar to it.)
What’s wrong with all of this? I don’t get it! I don’t understand! What is happening? Is it me? Was did I say? What did I do wrong?
When you get into the “I” questions, or even further, “I” statements: I fucked it up. I’m the one to blame. I deserve this. I’m a total asshole.
Whoa. That’s when things can get really messy in terms of “thought processing,” if you will. We’re pulling a real number on ourselves, whether we know it or not.
However, there is some good news, here. Well, good but challenging.
It’s a VERY hard “thought to process,” but there is no wrong way to process a thought. No right, no wrong; no good, no bad.
The hugest obstacle is in our minds. It “feels,” that way. Moreover, that obstacle seems to take on bigger proportions, because we are already in the throes of trying to deal with thoughts that are troublesome.
I don’t have a magic solution for this. Any type of way get over the obstacles, and make everything just fine. In fact, I think the obstacles will always exist. It’s just an ongoing process of trying to work with them. Sometimes, it will be easier; sometimes it will be harder. I don’t know if that’s of any help to you.
As far as looking up any possible diagnoses on Google, if you suspect something might fit, you may want to bring it up with your doctor. Maybe, especially so, if it’s really causing you a lot of anxiety.
However, I always caution everyone on my blog to be very careful about the Internet. Some things can be very misleading, if not outright garbage.
Another thing I say, is to not print off anything you’ve read, and bring it to your doctor. There may be exceptions to this, but a lot of doctors don’t like it. Again, as per the above. You could be handing them a load of crap. Also, some doctors just don’t like the behaviour, pure and simple.
Of course, I can’t tell anyone what to do, but I say IF they bring anything in, it should be accurate information, and peer reviewed studies that show firm data.
Let me know if you have any other questions, or need anything else, okay?
Take care,
PA
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March 24, 2011 at 20:29
Interesting – I’m glad someone did resurrect this old post!
I am a low self-monitor, that is, I don’t manage the impression I give people, I just am who I am. But I do worry about what people think of me (at least, people who I care about and respect). In terms of the big five, I am a neurotic introvert. For me, my worrying about what people think is not about giving the right impression – I don’t want people to like a facade, I want them to like *me*. I have low self-esteem, thanks to chronic depression on and off for well, most of my life, so I think that’s why. (Sigh. Yes, I am in therapy).
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March 25, 2011 at 14:41
Hi Butterflywings. I know. I love coming back to old(er) posts I’ve written. How old is this one? August, 2007. Lord. Sometimes, it takes me back to see if I’ve somehow “changed,” or if I still feel the same way. Then, I’ll have to read all of the comments attached!
This is a really popular post, as well. It gets lots of views, even if people don’t comment, so I know it is something people struggle with.
I did the crazy test and from my above comment re: the Asperger’s, it dropped me into the middle, and now I’m up at the high end, again. Fucking online tests! I’m thinking right now, somehow because they are so vague, or in whatever way they are designed, could the results matter with peoples’ own states at the time?
Look at me now. I’m tired, I haven’t had enough caffeine, my head is racing with all sorts of things and thoughts. Would that not influence my results in a different manner, than say, if there was a difference in my manner?
Thanks for giving your contribution to this post. More food for thought, and interesting as far as everyone else’s. This post is one that has garnered a lot of interesting discussion, I feel.
And speaking as to how I now feel about all of this? There are some changes I think. How, I’ve grown and changed since this was written?
Absolutely still applicable regarding those I REALLY love and care for. And yet, I feel I can get almost trampled upon by someone I hardly know. I think that may have come about after the Asperger’s diagnosis and I let down my over-compensating walls. WHOOSH! It was Aspie PA all over the place! It was a good thing, though.
However, there was (and is), benefit to be a freed Aspie from a cage. Because there are a lot of other times I don’t give a shit about what people think of me. Granted, those are folks I don’t actually know. *laughs*
This still doesn’t “solve” my problem. It’s not really a “problem” that you can solve, or maybe even needs to be. It just “is.”
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November 19, 2012 at 00:57
It all comes down to your beliefs about yourself. I have lived in the state you speak of and it is not a fun way to live. Lets say you really like someone and want them to like you. So you constantly monitor there mood as if it is a reflection of you. What is really happening is a function of your beliefs. I am unlovable or the like. I found that going through a class like (deleted for possible spam) will lead you to the answer. Try pathway to happieness.
Mark
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December 13, 2012 at 20:00
Hi m or Mark. Nice to meet you and welcome to my little space here.
I think you are right. There is a huge tendency to feel like crap and then project it onto the outside world. However, it is (at least I feel) VERY hard to try not to do this at times. Definitely for people with psych problems, yet I won’t rule out NTs as well!
For the people with psych issues, there can be a myriad of reasons as to why they feel “crappy.” And some of those reasons can run very, very deep. It would be lovely if we all had magic wands to take all of those feelings and reasons away. But we don’t have any.
Still, that doesn’t mean we can’t stop trying. Trying to heal and feel better about ourselves. There are also a myriad of ways to do that. It depends upon the individual, the essence of exactly why they feel so crappy, and then the best approach for them.
Just like what you did. And I’m very happy that you had such successful results. Also, I hardly ever edit my reader’s comments, but if you come back, I deleted the link. As above, for spam purposes.
Take care,
PA
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