So I’ve come with a new diagnosis for the DSM-IV or the ICD-10. It’s called Post Relationship Stress Disorder. Or maybe Post Relationship Surprising Depression. I can’t figure which term I like best.

I went out with ex-partner on Saturday. We had been in pretty much constant contact after Mozart died. I suggested that maybe we go out since we hadn’t seen each other in a while. Fuck. I mean, after the whole trauma of him dying, could we really leave it at, “Well, see you later?”

I am still truly surprised that ex-partner and I have remained friends. She’s the only person that I’ve been able to do this with after ending a relationship.

I’ve gone over this before but for those of you that don’t know, ex-partner and I were basically and always, “just friends.” At least for me. Perhaps not for her. I don’t know. I did try in the beginning. But in the end, I became rather mental and descended into a strange silence, more so than ever and things disintegrated quickly. The truth was revealed, from my perspective–again, I only felt a friendship, nothing romantic.

We broke up via email.

Even though we lived together.

That’s how well (or not) we were communicating.

Okay, that’s just the background–roughly.

So, Saturday was great. I mean we get along now better than we did when we together–or at least during the middle to latter stages. Maybe it helps because time has passed so there is more to talk about. Realistically, it’s probably because we were always just friends.

Crap, when we broke up, I was so fucked up, I was cutting preceding it, then I was suicidal afterward. I wanted to go into hospital the week before I moved but she said that at first, it was my choice but then–no, she needed me to move as it had already been too stressful with us living together for a month.

Fair enough. I mean, what could I do? Short of pulling a really nasty stunt which wasn’t the direction in which I was headed (I was headed in another direction–I know this is cryptic but let’s just say it was not a “cry for help” direction) there was nothing I really could do. So I moved. And ex-partner was great. She did a lot of my packing because really, PA can barely pack her own lunch. Ex-partner got all the boxes, did most of the work… She even gave me a lot of furniture.

So yes…last Saturday, great night. She dropped me off and I felt incredibly sad. A void. Probably the death of Mozart too?

We were a family. Even though ex-partner and I kind of fell apart, I miss her. I’m glad that we are friends but I miss the companionship. I know I can’t and couldn’t give her what was required for a romantic relationship and for whatever reason(s) everything bloody well went kaboom but shit.

So I said earlier that I’ve slipped into a few down days. This may be a bit of “why?”

Another reason and I am really fucking pissed off is that I’ve jumped right on the self medication train and I can’t get off. Well, I can but for anyone who’s ridden it, it’s really, really hard. God, I haven’t don’t this in years! I swear, I just want to shoot myself.

No, really. I do. It’s a good thing that guns are hard to obtain in Canada. A gun and PA would not a good marriage make. Not that the suicidal thoughts are that intrusive. But they arise every now and then. They are not at a critical level. Do not worry. Again, I know what to do. I did it in the spring. But I doubt it will get to that point.

Granted, I am rather fucked at the moment. My functionality is quite impaired. I can not do very much at all. I can feel the Depression enveloping me but I am fighting it with every fibre of my being. Wow, thank $DEITY for my meds as honestly, without them, I would have done something very bad now? Possibly? I’m not quite sure as I can’t quite gauge the level but again…I can feel it creeping.

I’m not scared at this point but I am disturbed.

And I know. I need to stop drinking. No lectures, please? Like I said…I’m already pissed off at myself enough.

I’ve got, I think, I good MP3…eh, I’ll throw it up anyway…never was one for much 90s stuff but it makes me think of a fellow blogger. Who’s a real sweetie.

“Fell On Black Days” by Soundgarden.

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  1. “Whomsoever I’ve cured I’ve sickened now
    Whomsoever I’ve cradled I’ve put you down
    I’m a search light soul they say
    But I cant see it in the night
    I’m only faking when I get it right”

    I have that written down in a journal from around the time this song was released.

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  2. Hi aikaterine, yes it’s a good part of the song. Actually, there are a lot of good pieces of lyrics in there.

    Blah. It’s like, wow…a real, “Has My Life Ever Plummeted Beyond Belief” song.

    Anyway, just an update to anyone who is passing through and reading. I am still so completely angry and disgusted with my behaviour. And yes, this is not new with the vicious self medication cycle. Or at least for me.

    I am so sick of this that I am actually physically ill with the loathing of my actions. And no, I am not hungover. I haven’t been getting that out of control and I didn’t write this post when I was drunk.

    I’ve been slipping out to the pub early as going late would be just too much to go to work. I’m tired enough as it is these days. I have been trying to get to bed a bit earlier but sometimes it takes a bit for the meds to kick in so I’m left just fooling around on the computer and stuff.

    Alright, so I know I can not help or change the feelings about my dead cat or feeling kind of sad about my ex-partner and what not. These feelings will pass. But what I can try and do with my feelings of anger, disgust and self-loathing is try and turn them around and make them work for me. If possible I need to re-channel them in a way.

    I don’t know if I can do this but it’s worth a shot. I’ve been thinking about this all day and I am going positively insane about my behaviour of late. It just can’t carry on or perhaps I might end up back in the bloody loony bin and I can not have that!

    Focus dammit PA! Focus! Pretend it’s life or death! Be completely melodramatic about it you have to! Whatever it takes to try and save your sanity!

    Sure it’s nice to numb the pain and at this point, your only way to get any social contact is with the other barflies but give it up!

    Alright, I’m writing a post in my own comment section again.

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  3. i hope you’re disgusted with yourself enough to stop drinking, but not so disgusted that you get depressed over it! where is that line, anyways?!?

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  4. I am wondering if a little re-parenting might be good right now?

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  5. Hi anonymous mom, indeed…where is that line?! I think the problem is with a Mood Disorder or a Mental Illness you get completely all bent out of shape over things and we already know that I’m “The Queen of Self-Flagellation.”

    ‘Geez…all I’m missing is my crown (sorry, I make that big of deal I need more than a tiara) and my scepter. And yes…a big, draping cape or robe or something. Well, not too big as I am small and would get lost in it.

    Fake fur, however. Killing animals for pelts is not good. Actually, forget the fur. I neither need nor want it. And it should be black anyway because all of this crap is so depressing and negative.

    Okay…a bit of sarcasm and twisty humour is good, right?

    Yes, aikaterine…a good suggestion. Really, right now a lot of this has made me incredibly tired. I am exhausted so I don’t even know if I have the mental energy required for any re-parenting! And I also had to go see Merlin today so that took some time and effort too.

    Where are we in my corner of the world now? 1920hrs. Damn. Not time for bed yet. But time for dinner? Should eat. Although tired for that too. Although skipped breakfast as I was out of milk.

    I could post about Merlin today but it was brief. Minor med change as getting out of bed these days is monstrous. So dropping the Imovane/Zopliclone and just sticking with the 50mg of Seroquel/Quetiapine. This should be an interesting experiment also. If it doesn’t work, go back?

    I told him about Mozart and my rapid decline–or well, how I am basically becoming less functional. I also mentioned the drinking but not to the extent here. Just that it was cropping up. He said to call him anytime, ASAP if thing started to get worse and I started to become less functional. He is very good.

    Okay, posting in the comment section again!

    Oh, and just so everyone knows…I stopped in at the pub but it was just to use the loo. I had a long trek home and was drinking a bottle of gingerale all the way. I saw some folks I knew but it was noisy and riotous and I said to one guy who I know well–I shouldn’t be here; I’ve been drinking too much lately. He said he wouldn’t be staying too long so I just left–and that I should go home.

    It all starts with one day? So I came home, did the dishes that had been sitting there for who knows how many days and I opened up the mail that was piling up on the counter. Yes, I told you, I am rather dysfunctional. I freely admit I have never been this bad off in my life. I feel like I have totally regressed into being somehow developmentally delayed.

    And yet I did have, I think, the most productive half day at work so far. Huh?

    Anyway…

    Honestly, I can’t say I will never have another drink as long as I live. But certainly this behaviour of late needs to stop.

    I think I might go be brain dead and perhaps watch a movie or something (and have some food.) And count the minutes until bedtime–maybe go early?

    There’s some re-parenting there aikaterine? Tuck myself into bed early and don’t allow myself to stay up late? Maybe I should take Zippy to bed with me. He’s a stuffed chimp that someone gave me years ago. He’s neat as he can sort of “cuddle” with you the way his arms and legs were designed and shaped.

    Okay, PA shutting the hell up now.

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  6. sodajerk

    i would not beat yerself up over the drinkin.

    it has not been that long,plus you are aware you are doin it.

    you have a lot on yer plate.

    Anybody would find it tuff to cope with.

    low self esteem is makin you think you are bad for the booze route.

    try and think of somebody else in your position…..i am imaginingthe “fuck off” thought in yer head…………….,cuz that is what i would think……….but as you have said yer self.you do judge yourself more harshly than you would treat other.

    try and think if somebody else was havin the same thing as you…whut would you say?

    you are so much help for others,including me(so much,you will never know it).

    i just hope you can be less judgemental on yerself………….

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  7. Symbiosis

    It always works out in the end…or atleast I hope that it does…

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  8. Symbiosis

    Heres something by ED, that I love..sorry not exactly upbeat…but true to the soul…

    PAIN has an element of blank;
    It cannot recollect
    When it began, or if there were
    A day when it was not.

    It has no future but itself,
    Its infinite realms contain
    Its past, enlightened to perceive
    New periods of pain.

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  9. You are doing pretty damn good love,

    you made it to Merlins.

    you told him what was going on.

    you went in the pub, but did not drink.

    you recognize that it starts with just one day.

    you recognize that you had a productive 1/2 day at work.

    you realize things are still tough.

    you realize that you are exhausted and that there are limits to how far you can push yourself.

    It sounds like you have got things under a good amount of control.

    Just remember not to beat yourself up too much, you are handling a very difficult situation with honesty and grace and you are doing a damn fine job.

    Drudge through the minutes love, we both know they will get better eventually.

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  10. Thanks, sodajerk. I’m glad I can be of help to you and hopefully others(?) Comments like yours do really want to make me keep going…or blogging at least!

    The drinking has been going on for a while…if you do go back and read some of the posts on my blog, it’s pretty much been carrying on since I moved into my apartment. But just not as bad as this.

    However, you are right–I am indeed hard on myself. The Queen of Self-Flagellation rules! No one will take away my crown MWAH-HA-HA!

    Hi Symbiosis, yes, I as well like to believe that everything will work out in the end. Or hope too like you! Life is strange. Sometimes, good, sometimes bad…oh Life! What do I do with you except just live you, I suppose… You are such a bother at times though. You are very annoying to me, Life.

    And thanks for the poem. I really appreciate it and send me poetry anytime. I should go out and get me some ED.

    Hi aikaterine, you made me a good list. Thank you. My therapist (or well…sort of “haven’t dealt with you therapist”–I haven’t called her in months now) always said to try and look back on the times when things were really bad before and how you managed to get through them. It’s amazing how we forget those times when things get bad again.

    Yes, just keep moving on…thank you again.

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