Archive for September 19th, 2007

Well, I’ve been to see Merlin #2 and we’re upping the Concerta/Methylphenidate to 36mg from the 27mg. This comes as no surprise. I didn’t expect to have to do a dog and pony show. I never have for either Merlin #1 or Merlin #2.

We had our relatively normal chat (even though this is only the third time I’ve seen him) about how I’m doing and how I’m not doing. Yes, concentration still off, no motivation, I stink etc… We delved a little more into my “psyche” about “how I wished I had done more with my life” but because of the ADD I was so completely unfocused I couldn’t find *whatever* in life I was looking for or more to the point–what I was suited for. Or maybe it’s the same thing.

All the dropping out of Uni. so many times, all of the desires for career changes and to “become” this or that. All the fleeting dreams. I still have these feelings. Actually, a lot of people with ADD do make career changes like they change their underwear but I never did. I stuck where I was employment wise as I needed the money desperately. I still do. But am I happy? Merlin #2 asked me that today. I guess so. I mean, I’m not out there saving lives, finding cures, shaping young minds in the wonderful world of Academia, creating great art…

I mean, I could go on and on about other issues regarding my personal relationship with ADD. And it’s not like being Bipolar has helped with all of this either…sheesh. But that’s a post for another day. I hope. I have something in my ADDled brain regarding the two.

Well, okay, some of my ADDisms:

A completely overwhelming fascination with hobbies and interests and then after a brief time (or lack of success) no interest, things completely dropped. This has led to a lot of or at least some money down the drain. This never ends; it is an endless cycle. I find it extremely disappointing and frustrating.

Wait. Let’s just stop right here and say that just about everything to do with ADD is disappointing and frustrating. Okay, that may apply to a lot of other mental illnesses etc… but with ADD…crap. Things can just drag you down as it’s a lot of repetition and you want to bang your head against the wall.

Such ridiculous forgetfulness that items are completely lost forever. Or, it’s stupid and spastic forgetfulness. You’re in the shower and you forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair and you get out and continue on… Now, some of you might say that you’ve done this on occasion when preoccupied or something but when it becomes a habit? A boring one: keys, wallet, cell phone…anything required for daily use. Again, on occasion for some people but when it’s regularly or daily welcome to the ADD world.

Forgetting things you need to buy–really need to buy! There’s nothing worse than getting your period (I know, I keep talking about that…) and you’ve forgotten tampons, pads…whatever you use. And there are no other women in the house/office? Great. Forgetting to refill or get scripts for your meds! ACK! I’ve never done this, thank goodness. Non-prescription meds, yes and then you get sick and that is not good. Because you can’t go out. Food/household items…all the time. Supplies at work…all time time. Forgetting appointments, meetings…embarrassing…

People with ADD can have problems with time. It escapes them.

Think of trying to separate an egg. But you’re not paying attention. Because you forgot to grab the bowl to put the yolk into once you’re done. And you’ve never really separated an egg before so you’re thinking about how to do it–without crushing the shell–and what about all of that “stuff” inside–and how do you get the yolk out in one piece? How does that work, anyway? But you need to separate the egg for your recipe. The book’s across the kitchen along with half of the items you need. The egg actually goes in later. But you thought you’d do it first. You don’t really know why. And then the doorbell rings. And the dog starts barking. But you need to separate the egg so you forget the door and you just yell at the dog and keep concentrating on your egg. But then one of your kids starts calling you because they need help with their homework. You look away for a moment and call back that you’ll be there in a minute. You get a brief idea and ask them to come and get you the bowl that you need. They say, “Okay…” but they never come. You’re still thinking about your egg. You then realize that you forgot to bring home the project that you need to work on for your presentation for work the next day. Shit! Should you drive back to the office? Maybe you can go in early and get it done. How much did you get done today? What else is there left to do? You try and do a mental run through of your entire day at work. Oh but you’re sooo tired, you can’t possibly go all the way back to work. And who’s going to make dinner? Another “oh no”…you forgot to return the DVDs as well. Now you’ll have to pay those annoying late charges. Oh dear. Not again…the damn phone bill! You really need to start putting those reminders on your calendar at work or on your PDA or something! You’re still cradling the egg in your hands and now your arms are starting to go numb from resting them on the kitchen sink. Oh yeah…my egg. What do I do here? Okay, crack the egg…and slowly…slowly…”MOM! WHERE ARE YOU!!!” your kid screams. You crush the shell and in vain try to separate the egg yolk and white through your fingers like some clumsy, primitive strainer but it all slips through your hands. Just like time…

This is an example of loss of time for someone with ADD via distraction–it took you about 25 minutes to try and separate your stupid egg and you still couldn’t do it. I don’t know…good example, bad example? Funny example? And yes, I wrote it in one crazy, annoying paragraph as that is how a muddled ADD brain can work.

Another way someone with ADD can lose track of time is by hyperfocusing. This is more my style–but I can have “bouncy brain” too. I can become so engrossed in something I am just lost. I have recently burnt food, forgotten to eat completely…just plain old forgotten the entire world! People can also speak to me and I won’t hear them when so hyperfocused. Granted, it has to be something I am interested in. That is what the hyperfocusing aspect is all about. If the ADD’er isn’t interested and it’s really bad they won’t be able to focus at all.

Okay…so this is getting a bit long? There’s a bit of ADD stuff for you.

Oh yes, I can also interrupt people mid-sentence or finish their sentences for them. This may be somewhat bothersome for them but I’ve learned to control it somewhat? So far, no one has ever given me a lot of trouble for it. Well, not in a long time? This is related to impulse control.

So what about the “Psychiatrist Love?” Well, Merlin #2 was kind of funny today. I mean, again, it was only our third meeting and we kind of got into some issues about this titration. He seems to think it’s going to be the magic/target dose and doesn’t really want to go higher. I sure hope 36 is the magic number? He gave me a three month script *laughing* I didn’t think he would. I thought he only did monthlies.

Some “Pharmacist Love” as well? She’s so great. I see her so often, we’re like best friends. She had a question about my drug plan regarding getting that many pills but I’ve gotten three month supplies for others–unless they have an issue with stims. But otherwise, she’s going to give me the whole lot. Crap, I could start selling them! Just kidding Drug Police or WordPress Police if you’re listening! No, these meds are more valuable to me than any money I could make from them.

But as I was leaving Merlin #2’s office, he said to me, “You are such an excellent patient! I don’t have to explain anything to you!” That put a smile on my face. Yes, PA knows her head meds and how they work… He also said, say hello to Merlin #1–I see him tomorrow. Indeed, I said I would pass on his warmest regards. Merlin #2 was Merlin #1’s student once! And yes, as I’ve said before, Merlin #1 loves me too for my med knowledge. Not to toot my own horn or anything but there is nothing I appreciate and want more than a collaborative relationship with my physicians.

Oh, and I got a call from…let’s call him Merlin #3. He was supposed to be Merlin #2 but he couldn’t take me immediately so he referred me to Merlin #2. Are you confused yet? Merlin #3 wanted to ensure that I did, in fact, get my stims and if I needed to see him I could.

Good grief! After my GP and I fought so hard and for so long to find me a psychiatrist (that we were probably both ready to hospitalize each other?) now I’ve got three of them who are keen on taking care of me. That feels good. No doubt when my GP returns from her maternity leave she will be tickled pink.

So it looks like I will get to be a bit stoned again tomorrow. The first day of a new, higher dose of Concerta always does that. Should make for an interesting appointment with Merlin #1 tomorrow. I’ll pick up my shiny new script later. I’ve still got some 18mg pills at home so I can double up. Let’s see if I get all of ’em in one shot from the pharmacist though *grin*