My Latest MP3…And A Sweet Gift…Oh, Those Straight Men!

I had to wait to come home and put this one up as I wrote my last post from work. Have a listen and a read.

If I post another one and you read this later, “But Not Tonight” by Depeche Mode and basically, I don’t care if I get just one good day out of Concerta…this day has been worth it. I can’t remember the last time I have felt like this. And yes, at the risk of sounding repetitive, when I heard the song on my iPod going home after having my “good day,” I almost cried.

I met up with a friend…?…acquaintance?…tonight. An older gent, he knows the score regarding my sexuality but might like PA anyway? *shrug*

That’s a toughie but well, what can you do but still offer the hand of friendship as a gay woman to a straight man. I’ve been here/there before. You just need to be gentle and if things get to a level where someone’s feelings look like they are at risk of getting hurt, you need to sit down and talk about it. I’ve had a couple of male friends tell me that they were pretty…well, in love with me and that was difficult. I didn’t know what to say at first but we worked through it.

Aside: Why do I always attract straight men?

Anyway, he’s possibly (?) now getting into bestowing small gifts? Sweet, indeed and modest PA appreciates anything that people take the time, thought and put effort into when giving her a pressie! My, my! Are you kidding?

He knew I was sick over the weekend and offered to go out and pick up my DVDs, liquids, soup…whatever I wanted. Well, self-sufficient and independent PA is a bit stubborn in that area even though she can barely make it out on her own without a car now. Bugger.

So, anyway…we said we would chat later when I was feeling a bit more up to par. So we got together tonight. I was late, traffic delays (I hate being late!!!) so I met him at the table and saw this rather large “square-ish” thing sitting there. I couldn’t really see what it was other than it had some kind of pattern on it and that it was black and white.

I asked, “What is that?”

He said, “Oh, that’s for you. I knew you were sick so I thought I would get you something.”


I picked it up and could not make head nor tails of it. He told me to flip it over and then flip it over again. It is/was one of those slidey square puzzles where you have to move the tiles all around to refit them back to the original image or picture. But this is the killer. The “original” image is on the other side (hence the flipping it over as we did) and it’s a bloody Escher!

Are you serious?!

I mean, I can’t do these things at all! Even if you’ve only got the least amount of pieces needed (sorry not a math person) and the simplest shape to (re)create. This one is about three inches by three inches. The square pieces are about one centimetre by one centimetre.

This man overestimates my intelligence.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering which Escher? “Fishes and Scales 1959.” He bought it for me because my rising sign is Pisces and he is into Astrology.

Again…very sweet. A nice way to end my day.

I know I’ll never solve the puzzle but at least I’ve got a neat little Escher thing that I can have lying about my place.


  1. tracy

    Hi PA,

    He does sound like a sweetheart, but that puzzle thingy…it would make me crazier than e v e r …..thanks for you kind reply to my “drunked black eye” story and I’m sorry I didn’t write back…long story….yeppers, lucky you, y o u get to hear it…in a moment. but first, how are you feeling? Is the uppage (is that a word?) in meds helping? Lucky you, 3 great docs to help you out, cool, you deserve nice docs.

    So, last sunday, guess who pulled an “I’m the Worst Fuck-up in All History”…? That’s right….I was feeling especially horrible and rejected, blah, blah, blah, had to much of “that Demon Rum-er, Vodka…(shit, I miss it already!), took a bunch of pills and broke out the razor…well, you can imagine where and what that got me…in the ER, 28 stiches and a nice cuppy of activated charcoal…gotta love that stuff…and of course, no one believing I wasn’t trying to kill myself…don’t even bother to try to explain it to people, right?

    So, I just spent the last 4 days in CCU, guilty as shit, bored outta my mind (nothing to read), t h r e e , yep three of those days waiting for a psych consult….(the staff “I’m s u r e he’ll come today…trying to console themselves that crazy girl will be gone any minute now)…so the psych finally shows up on the evening of the third day, makes me feel a total fool and dumbass for telling him about the final straw that lead up to the “behavior”…(the shrink)”…but you are an adult now…you are past that stage of developemant…you cannot do anything about it…you are not 14 or 15…you have your own child…what your parents think doesn’t matter…..” (okay doc, maybe not in y o u r family….and I thought family was espcially important in Indian Culture…my bigoted mistake)…on and on and on….he leaves and says he will talk to my husband b e f o r e he makes his final decision whether or not I should be hospitalized (meanwhile, unknown to me, he puts in my chart I shoud be and TDO’ed if I disagree…lying bastard…am I angry…no, not mellow me….) So, next day, not one telling me anything, “they” are arranging for me to be “buffed and turfed”, when the Mental Health Board interviens and along with my husband’s reassurances (he can play a rather imposing figure when he wants to), loooong story already tooo long, here I sit, home again, thank God (and the County of Henrico and My dh). Oh! And I had a real D#@$head of a Hospitalist…I swear he spend all of 60 seconds a day in my room…out of obligation…I am sure I disgusted him and now that I look back on it, hopefully, frightened him, in a way HA!

    So, that’s my story. I thought about you sooo many times and wished I could talk to you, even wrote down “wish I could talk to PA, she would understand”. I thought of you all the time whist I was taking “Baxter” (the IV pole) for walkies round and round and round, driving the staff nuts…(“will she n e v e r leave”?). The best part was when jerk doctor returned (I noticed he slipped out when husband arrived…a coincidence…? HA! I wonder…) and had to sign my discharge papers rather than commiment papers. Smirk to him.

    Hey, saw your post on angry’s site : )
    Thans for letting me tell my rambling tale…it has been quite a week…and what…?????? My mother-in-Law arrives tomorrow for and undetermined amount of time ? And no alcohol…..??????? I’m falllliiiinnnnggggg down the rabbit hole……. take good care dear, tracy


  2. Oh, tracy

    Okay, here we go.

    Yes, the gent does seem quite nice. He’s 20 years my senior but I don’t practise ageism. He doesn’t look it though. Granted, I don’t look 37… It’s almost a fun parlour game. Guess PA’s age! Some get close but sometimes I get mid 20s! Flattering, but really…?!

    He’s got a bit of a mental health history, been on some meds, lives with a total Depressive. Funny, I’ve met several people in the pub that have diagnoses and have been on meds, some are on meds…I mean, we’re everywhere! And yes, send me back to hospital if I even attempt that puzzle.

    Oh, was thinking about it this morning…possible minimum number of squares needed (if the puzzle was a square?) would be nine? I don’t think four would give you enough movement? Maybe it would. Oh forget it! PA is a “square!”

    I’m feeling not too shab’ (and sure…I just shortened “shabby” so let’s all make up some slang…and I just called myself a square and that goes waaay back to the 60s-70s!…so we’ll hang on to your uppage.) If you want to get into medical terminology increased dosage of a med is a “titration.” And actually, I’ll only be seeing the two psychiatrists. Let’s not go overboard.

    Now, listen to PA: You are not a fuck up. These things happen. Wow. 28 stitches. I have also had Activated Charcoal and it is yes…lovely. It’s like drinking down the remnants of a scraped off barbecue in milkshake form for anyone out there who hasn’t had the joyous experience. Did you only get a cup? I had to try and get down a 500ml bottle years ago!

    And again, for anyone who has never had the pleasure, how it works is that it immediately induces vomiting. It’s black (charcoal, of course?) so you end up looking like some kind of freakish monster from a horror movie. Very, very messy. But you’re in hospital so at least they clean you up afterward.

    It is indeed difficult when you are admitted to try and “explain” why you are there as a psych patient. I suspect since you had swallowed down some pills and been drinking (did they know you were drinking too?) that it was probably perceived as a suicide attempt. Had you only done the cutting, if they were smart enough and knew enough about cutting, they would clue in that cutting isn’t about suicide per se…granted, you can still be feeling suicidal when you cut. And chances are, if your cutting is bad enough to warrant an ER visit, you will still probably get admitted.

    However, if you are coherent enough…by all means explain! I mean, you’re there to seek adequate care. We all need to get it. I know it’s hard when you’re feeling like crap and have been through the wringer but sometimes, if you can, you really need to find the strength to advocate for yourself.

    Now as far as your stay. CCU–I’m assuming Critical Care Unit? Now did they move you from the ER to there? I’m not sure how things work where you are.

    THREE DAYS FOR A CONSULT! Sorry for yelling everyone but that is preposterous. I don’t think I have ever heard of an inpatient waiting that long?! Did they at least serve you FOOD while you were there??? Unbelievable.

    Here (perhaps other Canadians have experienced otherwise but I sincerely doubt it) you are held in the ER and you will get a psych consult relatively soon. Certainly within about eight to 12 hours? I mean, I’m trying to do a mental run through of all of my six.

    Actually, I had to have two consults for the last one and the first consult I got within about two hours but I think he was an ER doctor–not a psychiatrist. I can’t remember as I think I was still drunk. He actually asked me if I wanted a 72 hour hold and to be admitted! I nearly died laughing! I was like, why do you think I’m here! Please admit me! It was because I was voluntary.

    I was then taken to another facility affiliated with that hospital for the second assessment of my most recent stay. I did rot away there for about 13 hours? That was fun as I had been awake (and drunk as a skunk in between) for over 36 hours at that point. All I wanted to do was take my meds and fall over somewhere. And it was terrible in this assessment unit as they had no food but crappy sandwiches and juice and you couldn’t leave for a cigarette.

    The response you received from your psychiatrist was less than ideal? I suspect that there are many other people out there that have had similar experiences. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I have had some rather cold and distant psychiatrists assess me before being admitted and there was no room for discussion–it was a done deal no matter–but I have also had some that were willing to talk about things further and we would decide together what should be done.

    I actually had to do a bit of research in your area as as far as the TDO and what it is. It is similar to our 72 hour hold and what it is called. But what I find interesting is that a TDO is a Legal Code or something to do with a Court Order? Well, I guess up here it’s a law too but not worded with such gravity. And you can try and fight it but you might be wasting your entire 72 hours trying to wade through the bureaucracy?!

    However, as I said above, due to the nature of what you did, it could have been perceived as serious and with me, after I had done both cuttings it was an automatic hospitalization. Ditto with my ODs. Two of each and the other two were voluntaries. Admit me, I’m out of my mind, I need help.

    But after stating he would speak to your husband about your possibility of release and then not telling you that he did at least have some concerns about holding you for the TDO is unprofessional in my opinion. Physicians should communicate with psych patients (well all doctors with all patients) their intentions of what they plan to do with them!

    It was like when I did my first cutting that required surgery on my median nerve. It wasn’t like my Hands and Plastics Surgeon didn’t consult with me and tell me everything about the procedure he was going to do, how the reconstruction might not be 100% successful (it wasn’t) and then what I would expect afterward. Why should you have been treated differently?

    AHHHHH! My blood is starting to boil!

    Well, I’m glad you got some intervention and were eventually released if you really didn’t want to stay. I hope that you feel safe enough and that you can manage on your own (well with your husband with you too) at home. I mean, crap…you spent so long in there anyway waiting for your assessment, it’s almost you had your own little TDO party in the CCU!

    Oh, you are so sweet for thinking about silly, little me while in there! I don’t even know what to say… I get this image of you (well, sort of…erm…not really…I don’t know what you look like haha) but of someone walking around all forlorn with their IV pole…oh tracy…I wish I could have been there for you.

    My post on Angry Medic’s blog? About becoming a doctor and killing someone? Yes, indeed I probably would. Although, I might make a sympathetic or even empathetic psychiatrist? But you still have to go all the way through general medicine to then pick a specialty!

    Good luck with your mother-in-law. And no problem at all about writing whatever you want on my blog…that’s what it’s here for!

    You take good care of yourself too and you know where I am.


    Addendum: I am sure this comment is huge…I need to proof now so congratulations to anyone and everyone who got through it!


  3. tracy

    Dearest PA,

    I want to thank you sooo very much for your kind e-mails and of course for your answer to my comment-er babble…! I really needed someone to talk to and I thank God for you being there to understand.

    I really don’t know what to say…I gotta get downstairs and “face” my rescurer” (just did the “mill)…I mean, husband was the one who got me out, but I don’t think, in the looong run, he is absolutely thrilled to have me around, it’s just that I am needed for son, for school, etc..

    anyhow, ’nuff of my woes, except to say thank you so much again, and actually, my walks with “Baxter” weren’t a “sad and forlorn figure” (although I actually l i k e the image, sick, isn’t it?), but me, trying to speed walk (as soon as I was outta sight of the nurse’s station), ’cause I wasn’t getting any of exercise. although I did okay at avoiding most of the food. I think it had most to do with guilt (not deserving the food) and fear of weight gain, ’cause I’m not used to eating all that crap, not a 3 a day kind of person….used to eating very little during the day, then coming home and later having a drink (or 3!)…much better on an empty stomach, enough to not care if I binge….then, “hopefully” purge, sometimes not, on a “bad” night…eeeewww, you don’t need to hear all this…

    I l o v e “But Not Tonight” by the way….may just have to buy an album or two….
    Please let us know how you are, okay?
    Take care sweetie and thank you soooo much again, “Big Love” , tracy


  4. tracy

    PS I will e-mail you later, whenever I can get the computer away from my dear son…and am not cleaning or shopping for “The Visitor”….! Love, t


  5. Hi tracy, oh sweetie, no thanks necessary but you are most welcome. And I do understand…or at least I try to. Everyone has their own experiences, to be sure but I try to relate as much as possible? And always, I am here to listen to people if they have something to say!

    Unlike those bad, bad, doctors! HA!

    I’m sorry your husband may not be so thrilled but well, I hope you can still muddle through. Please try and do the best you can. I know you have a lot going on right now with your “Visitor” (and kudos to you for not cleaning–that made me laugh) so just try and get through it? I hate so much putting on “the sane face” but ugh… Maybe do it for “Visitor’s” sake and then throw a big fit afterward? Oh lord, I don’t know… I am sort of saying this tongue in cheek, everyone…please know that.

    I’m glad to hear that you actually weren’t all “lost and forlorn.” That actually is a good sign? I guess I’ve seen so much of that in my time while being in hospital (on psych floors and others.) I think it’s funny that you called him Baxter too (I’m assuming after the manufacturer?) Let’s give him a last name too since you spent so much time with him! Actually a middle one as well.

    Baxter Bartholomew McCubbins! How’s that? Actually, I kind of like it and I think I will somehow incorporate that as a character into a story somewhere. Okay, listen up everyone: Don’t you dare steal that name and write about it or use him as a character! He’s MINE!

    But on a more serious note, I’m curious about your bingeing and purging. You don’t have to talk about it here/publicly if you don’t want to but are you speaking about it in Eating Disorder terms? You know I don’t eat much at all as well–part gastro issues and well, I never have eaten much all my life. I also did “flirt” with anorectic behaviour while in my teens and early 20s. I could never get past about 102-103lbs. I gave up and got frustrated–probably a good thing. How ironic that I got down to 90lbs. this year without even trying?! I never binged and purged though…just didn’t eat.

    But not too much for me to hear, dear…I can handle anything and if the readers can not…well, they can move along. This is (or has morphed?) into primarily a psych or mental illness/disorder, crazy, head cootie blog so people should be able to talk about whatever problems they have. As openly and as freely as I do. Or as comfortably as they feel sharing. Or they can just sit back and read and not comment at all!

    I’m glad you liked the song. If you want any Depeche recommendations from my standpoint, I can let you know what albums are good. Some of their older stuff (but perhaps not the oldest) is best.

    Love to you too and I look forward to your emails,

    Oh, and post coming up about how things are moving along…yes.


  6. damewiggy

    mami! the puzzle’s to confuse you about your sexuality so he can shimmy into your knickers!

    (it’s an old straight guy trick)



  7. That’s funny damewiggy, indeed. I am no stranger to the wiles of straight men trying to get me into bed. Ugh…no more of that, my dear. Or even bisexual men. Or even gay men. That last one sounds kind of funny but it can and does happen.

    He does seem a bit enamoured and it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable at times? I mean, sometimes I still don’t receive compliments all that well. I’ve just felt like such a big loser and unattractive all of my life.

    It’s taken me a long time to learn how to receive them graciously and politely and even then…I just think, what the hell are you talking about?! It’s easier if I am enamoured with the other person *laughing* Then it becomes just one big lovefest! And I do tend to take them better from women generally because I am attracted to them? Heh. But even still I can get so embarrassed! And maybe it’s also easier if I know the woman better–a relationship has been established, regardless of what is going on–even if nothing is going on. We know each other so I feel comfortable.

    But he does keep going on and on sometimes about how “this and that” I am…I just keep telling him to STOP IT!

    He is lonely. He doesn’t have any friends–just like me. And he is smart so we can talk about interesting things. But enough about me! Let’s get the conversation back on track! I do just that and keep shifting us back to the topic at hand or change the subject.


  8. damewiggy

    Don’t worry your pretty lil head, girly. Straight men make most women nervous, as they should. Even they’ll usually agree. heh!

    Enjoy the friendship and the good company. If he makes ya all heebliejooblie uncomfortable, just tell him that you want the friendship to thrive, and it can’t if you’re worrying about the next approach/rejection, because that quickly becomes a drag.

    I’ve been there. Sometimes they hear ya, sometimes they don’t. I hope he does. It sounds like you enjoy your time with him.


  9. Oh for sure damewiggy, I think he’s harmless. I mean, he hasn’t even come close to “trying anything” and he knows quite clearly where I stand. He is a gentleman and I think he probably would know that I would be very upset if he did even attempt to make any overtures.

    If he doesn’t get it and keeps going on with anything or even starts to push things I’ll bring out a sledgehammer to drive the point home! Like you said…a “friendship” sledgehammer? Well, you said friendship, I said sledgehammer.

    I’m not mean or an ass…I am kind and gentle with people but if he becomes persistent then I’ll get a bit more firm.

    And speaking of attraction, overtures etc…wait until you read my next post…it’s rather a doozie.


  10. sodajerk

    Maybe the guy just wants you as a friend,or maybe you are right in thinking he wants a bit more than just bein friends.

    i am not really the best of judges.


  11. Hi sodajerk, yes, it’s always hard to say? I’m not really thinking about it that much and wasting my mental energy. I think I’ve got more important issues to deal with?

    But sometimes I can be really obtuse and a bad judge of character so…? I guess you never can really tell until you get to know people a bit better?

    People can just be so weird. They confuse me.


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