Archive for September, 2007

Well, first off, I should be feeling more tired than I am. I stayed up late screwing around and really didn’t get that much sleep. I should have been resting as I’m still feeling a bit viral but I’m surviving. I’m okay.

After my first dose at 36mg of the Concerta/Methylphenidate today, I didn’t feel stoned at all. Probably because after a couple of months, I’ve got enough of it in my system now, my body has adapted. It’s got a relatively short half life (around eight to 10 hours?) but it’s an extended release drug so if I’m pumping it into myself continually my brain might be a little more amenable to what it should be doing as opposed to making me feel a little funky in the side effect department. Which brings me to this.

I don’t want to jinx anything but something strange has happened–or is happening. I’m seeing things! Let me clarify. I don’t mean that I’m hallucinating. What I mean is, it’s like my eyes are noticing things around me. I’m looking up and around and things are catching my attention. Normally, I don’t pay attention to much at all and really, observe quite little. I’m a total space case. I just fuzz out.

The only time I ever remember feeling like this is when I stopped driving everywhere and all the time about seven years ago? I had probably been driving continually for 13 years. I always drove.

I started taking public transit everywhere and became a pedestrian. My view of the world was completely different from that of someone being “trapped” in a little metal box on wheels getting wherever they needed to go. I looked up and around and saw everything from a completely different angle. It was bizarre and everything stood out–almost jumped out at me sometimes.

That is kind of what is happening now. Perhaps I am starting to “focus” a bit more on things? I am starting to pay “attention” for I do have Inattentive ADD.

And another thing? I feel good. I actually have a “bounce” in my step today. Can you believe that?! I can’t remember the last time I had a bounce in my step! No, really! It’s been happy, bouncy and LOUD music on the iPod all day! Odd. Nothing in my life has changed since yesterday…or the day before…or the day before that…or the day before…

So of course you’re all sitting there with the “burning question” on your minds: Is the Concerta making little PA a bit (hypo)manic? I really don’t think so. I mean, apart from feeling like I’m a bit more “aware” of my surroundings and in a lighter mood, I’m not in an expansive state of euphoria or anything. I saw Merlin #1 today and I didn’t have any pressured speech. I was talkative, yes but I was simply communicative.

I don’t have any urges to go out and buy the whole shop–empty my bank account or anything. My mind isn’t racing along and I don’t have any magnanimous plans to start any great, monumental projects. The universe is not “completely making total sense” and I don’t believe that I am larger than I am or life itself (well, okay…my grandiosity never got that huge) but some distorted thinking in how people perceived me, absolutely.

Hypersexuality? Well, I won’t get into how my sex drive is these days *laughing* Let’s say it’s just fine but it’s not at any peak, out of control (hypo)manic levels. Which can actually be a very good thing–you can get yourself into a lot of trouble when that happens!

So, I suppose we shall simply stay the course and see how things progress? But if this is a sign of things to come, it sure looks promising, don’t you think? I mean, even work was stellar today! Not so much my “performance.” I mean, I keep trudging along but we all were laughing and joking and having a blast! I mean, it was a really fun day. The guys I work with are bloody hilarious.

Alright, then…onward we go with the new, higher dose of Concerta. And hey, I got my entire three month supply in one shot. A great big bottle sitting in my knapsack right here under my desk. Awesome.

Well, I’ve been to see Merlin #2 and we’re upping the Concerta/Methylphenidate to 36mg from the 27mg. This comes as no surprise. I didn’t expect to have to do a dog and pony show. I never have for either Merlin #1 or Merlin #2.

We had our relatively normal chat (even though this is only the third time I’ve seen him) about how I’m doing and how I’m not doing. Yes, concentration still off, no motivation, I stink etc… We delved a little more into my “psyche” about “how I wished I had done more with my life” but because of the ADD I was so completely unfocused I couldn’t find *whatever* in life I was looking for or more to the point–what I was suited for. Or maybe it’s the same thing.

All the dropping out of Uni. so many times, all of the desires for career changes and to “become” this or that. All the fleeting dreams. I still have these feelings. Actually, a lot of people with ADD do make career changes like they change their underwear but I never did. I stuck where I was employment wise as I needed the money desperately. I still do. But am I happy? Merlin #2 asked me that today. I guess so. I mean, I’m not out there saving lives, finding cures, shaping young minds in the wonderful world of Academia, creating great art…

I mean, I could go on and on about other issues regarding my personal relationship with ADD. And it’s not like being Bipolar has helped with all of this either…sheesh. But that’s a post for another day. I hope. I have something in my ADDled brain regarding the two.

Well, okay, some of my ADDisms:

A completely overwhelming fascination with hobbies and interests and then after a brief time (or lack of success) no interest, things completely dropped. This has led to a lot of or at least some money down the drain. This never ends; it is an endless cycle. I find it extremely disappointing and frustrating.

Wait. Let’s just stop right here and say that just about everything to do with ADD is disappointing and frustrating. Okay, that may apply to a lot of other mental illnesses etc… but with ADD…crap. Things can just drag you down as it’s a lot of repetition and you want to bang your head against the wall.

Such ridiculous forgetfulness that items are completely lost forever. Or, it’s stupid and spastic forgetfulness. You’re in the shower and you forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair and you get out and continue on… Now, some of you might say that you’ve done this on occasion when preoccupied or something but when it becomes a habit? A boring one: keys, wallet, cell phone…anything required for daily use. Again, on occasion for some people but when it’s regularly or daily welcome to the ADD world.

Forgetting things you need to buy–really need to buy! There’s nothing worse than getting your period (I know, I keep talking about that…) and you’ve forgotten tampons, pads…whatever you use. And there are no other women in the house/office? Great. Forgetting to refill or get scripts for your meds! ACK! I’ve never done this, thank goodness. Non-prescription meds, yes and then you get sick and that is not good. Because you can’t go out. Food/household items…all the time. Supplies at work…all time time. Forgetting appointments, meetings…embarrassing…

People with ADD can have problems with time. It escapes them.

Think of trying to separate an egg. But you’re not paying attention. Because you forgot to grab the bowl to put the yolk into once you’re done. And you’ve never really separated an egg before so you’re thinking about how to do it–without crushing the shell–and what about all of that “stuff” inside–and how do you get the yolk out in one piece? How does that work, anyway? But you need to separate the egg for your recipe. The book’s across the kitchen along with half of the items you need. The egg actually goes in later. But you thought you’d do it first. You don’t really know why. And then the doorbell rings. And the dog starts barking. But you need to separate the egg so you forget the door and you just yell at the dog and keep concentrating on your egg. But then one of your kids starts calling you because they need help with their homework. You look away for a moment and call back that you’ll be there in a minute. You get a brief idea and ask them to come and get you the bowl that you need. They say, “Okay…” but they never come. You’re still thinking about your egg. You then realize that you forgot to bring home the project that you need to work on for your presentation for work the next day. Shit! Should you drive back to the office? Maybe you can go in early and get it done. How much did you get done today? What else is there left to do? You try and do a mental run through of your entire day at work. Oh but you’re sooo tired, you can’t possibly go all the way back to work. And who’s going to make dinner? Another “oh no”…you forgot to return the DVDs as well. Now you’ll have to pay those annoying late charges. Oh dear. Not again…the damn phone bill! You really need to start putting those reminders on your calendar at work or on your PDA or something! You’re still cradling the egg in your hands and now your arms are starting to go numb from resting them on the kitchen sink. Oh yeah…my egg. What do I do here? Okay, crack the egg…and slowly…slowly…”MOM! WHERE ARE YOU!!!” your kid screams. You crush the shell and in vain try to separate the egg yolk and white through your fingers like some clumsy, primitive strainer but it all slips through your hands. Just like time…

This is an example of loss of time for someone with ADD via distraction–it took you about 25 minutes to try and separate your stupid egg and you still couldn’t do it. I don’t know…good example, bad example? Funny example? And yes, I wrote it in one crazy, annoying paragraph as that is how a muddled ADD brain can work.

Another way someone with ADD can lose track of time is by hyperfocusing. This is more my style–but I can have “bouncy brain” too. I can become so engrossed in something I am just lost. I have recently burnt food, forgotten to eat completely…just plain old forgotten the entire world! People can also speak to me and I won’t hear them when so hyperfocused. Granted, it has to be something I am interested in. That is what the hyperfocusing aspect is all about. If the ADD’er isn’t interested and it’s really bad they won’t be able to focus at all.

Okay…so this is getting a bit long? There’s a bit of ADD stuff for you.

Oh yes, I can also interrupt people mid-sentence or finish their sentences for them. This may be somewhat bothersome for them but I’ve learned to control it somewhat? So far, no one has ever given me a lot of trouble for it. Well, not in a long time? This is related to impulse control.

So what about the “Psychiatrist Love?” Well, Merlin #2 was kind of funny today. I mean, again, it was only our third meeting and we kind of got into some issues about this titration. He seems to think it’s going to be the magic/target dose and doesn’t really want to go higher. I sure hope 36 is the magic number? He gave me a three month script *laughing* I didn’t think he would. I thought he only did monthlies.

Some “Pharmacist Love” as well? She’s so great. I see her so often, we’re like best friends. She had a question about my drug plan regarding getting that many pills but I’ve gotten three month supplies for others–unless they have an issue with stims. But otherwise, she’s going to give me the whole lot. Crap, I could start selling them! Just kidding Drug Police or WordPress Police if you’re listening! No, these meds are more valuable to me than any money I could make from them.

But as I was leaving Merlin #2’s office, he said to me, “You are such an excellent patient! I don’t have to explain anything to you!” That put a smile on my face. Yes, PA knows her head meds and how they work… He also said, say hello to Merlin #1–I see him tomorrow. Indeed, I said I would pass on his warmest regards. Merlin #2 was Merlin #1’s student once! And yes, as I’ve said before, Merlin #1 loves me too for my med knowledge. Not to toot my own horn or anything but there is nothing I appreciate and want more than a collaborative relationship with my physicians.

Oh, and I got a call from…let’s call him Merlin #3. He was supposed to be Merlin #2 but he couldn’t take me immediately so he referred me to Merlin #2. Are you confused yet? Merlin #3 wanted to ensure that I did, in fact, get my stims and if I needed to see him I could.

Good grief! After my GP and I fought so hard and for so long to find me a psychiatrist (that we were probably both ready to hospitalize each other?) now I’ve got three of them who are keen on taking care of me. That feels good. No doubt when my GP returns from her maternity leave she will be tickled pink.

So it looks like I will get to be a bit stoned again tomorrow. The first day of a new, higher dose of Concerta always does that. Should make for an interesting appointment with Merlin #1 tomorrow. I’ll pick up my shiny new script later. I’ve still got some 18mg pills at home so I can double up. Let’s see if I get all of ’em in one shot from the pharmacist though *grin*

Oh dear…I really think this virus is a nasty one–and a travelling one.  Over the weekend typical ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) plus chest problems.  I thought I was feeling better yesterday but today I awoke (before the alarm) with the most intense pain in my stomach and lower abdomen.  What the…? At first, I thought it was cramping from my period but no way! It’s pretty much done and I never get cramps that almost make me double over in pain!

Apologies to all of you women who do.  I did when I was 12 years old and first started menstruating so I know how it does in fact feel.

Anyway, I had no idea what to do so I just took some Ibuprophen.  Yeah, like that would help? I remained in a wee, foetal ball untill the alarm clock went off, hoping I’d be able to make it in to work.  Considering I had just started going back to full time days yesterday.

No bloody way.  Still in pain.  I called in sick–can you believe it?! You know, the same thing happened when I went back to working half days.  I got sick and I think I had to call in the second day back too?  Oh god…  I feel like such a loser.  Oh well, if I can barely move, I can barely move? I couldn’t even be bothered to change my voicemail, either.  Can I change my Out of Office Message remotely for my email? I’ve never tried but I really don’t care.

I took an extra Nexium/Esomeprazole, some Gravol/Dimenhyrinate and went back to bed.  Broken sleep because of the pain still.  I got up, almost afraid to take my morning meds.  I don’t want to put anything into me! Well, I suppose some soup and gingerale? And I’m dizzy as all hell too! Wait, that doesn’t even make sense.  Hell isn’t dizzy? Is it? Huh? What? Still, a sore throat and chills.  Achy body.

I have some Serc/Betahistine that is actually prescribed for vertigo and dizziness etc… It’s associated with things like Meniere’s Disease.  And no, I do not have Meniere’s.  Year’s ago when I became really sick with another virus, my ex-GP gave me a sample pack to take as I was almost falling over I was so dizzy.  I took some the last time I got sick like this.  I think I need some more.  He was always nuts with his samples.  At one point, I just told him to stop giving them to me as I had a drug plan and he should save them for people who really needed them.

Whoa, hang on…I’m going to get a dose right now.  I don’t even know if it’s expired but I don’t care *laughing*  I know taking expired meds can be bad but I think I’m going to seriously go out of my mind if I don’t take it (yes, it’s THAT good for dizziness…although sometimes you need two.)  Okay everybody…not expired.  I won’t get sicker than I already am, have it melt my brain or any other vital organs, lose a limb…  And I found two Serax/Oxazepam shoved in the bag too! Wow…  I haven’t taken those in a while…since last fall.

Now what about the nausea…more Gravol? But nothing I can do about the pain…

This really sucks, you know? I hope my employer doesn’t think I’m just being an arse and shirking my responsibilities.  I’m now up to almost 60 sick days within the year because I was hospitalized and took so much time off work.  That’s hilarious.  And with fall/winter apporaching, you just know I’m going to get sick again.  I guess it’s a good thing (well not good for them) that a couple of people in my department have called in for four sick days last week…it proves there’s something going around?

Ugh.  I don’t even know what to do with myself right now I’m so sick.  I mean, I really don’t want to move but I can’t sleep…I don’t know if I can handle just lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling.  Composing this post is taking me forever and looking at the computer screen is sending my head (and stomach) reeling.  Oh man.

I do still have those movies that I didn’t watch Sunday night.  Will they make me feel worse? The African one might be okay but sex scenes when I feel like I want to barf? Well, that might be interesting…  It might not be as much fun as when I’m feeling well but at least it’s something new and different.  It beats watching something else in my collection (which isn’t that large–I need more movies) and my anime (even though I love it) with all of it’s “pretty colours” might make me feel icky too.  Although have a tendency to watch my anime when I get sick.  HA! I revert to childhood when I become ill…  Not that adults can’t appreciate anime (case in point) but I have loved it ever since I was a kid.

Anyone want to come and “mother” PA now that she’s sick? Bring her some chicken soup and give her some kisses and cuddles as you tuck her in bed under the covers? Stroke her hair to try and put her to sleep? *giggling*

Oh dear…another sick, rambly post.  I promise, soon I’ll try to get this blog in better form and make it more interesting, folks.  Really.  No, really.

I really had no idea how to title this so just I threw that up there. This is basically going to be a post about nothing. Or my pathetic Sunday. Or maybe just some other random whatever. Let’s see how many of you get through it…

I got up well, not early as per working standards but I could have used more sleep? Or not. I don’t know but I crashed out fairly early. I am freezing so much with the chills and feel so achy you think I’d had “Breakbone Fever.” This is the “nickname” given to Dengue. Dengue is a haemorrhagic fever. Well, I’m not bleeding out of every orifice–just one–HA! Hormones can have an influence on the immune system–well, in this manner with women. I remember years ago when I was also very, very depressed I would get sick every time I got my period. But the depression didn’t help too much either. Mental illnesses are “full body illnesses,” right? Mind-Body Connection.

So that’s one reason I’m probably sick. There are others too. I ride a virtual cesspool of public transit on the way to work. I often feel like wearing surgical gloves and a mask. The other reasons are probably Karmic. Pub bullshit and the fact that I need to go back to work full time tomorrow. As for the former, I’m still upset about Friday night. I’d kick myself in the ass if I could but my legs won’t bend far enough in a backwards direction to do so. Oh wait…another reason? There is some infection floating around. Two people have already called in sick at my workplace last week. I must be the third in the nasty virus’ gun sights.

So since I am feeling so bloody freezing, I have not bothered with my favourite little illness cocktail–orange juice mixed with gingerale (7-UP or Sprite will do as well) but tea to try and warm me up. I didn’t bother with tea yesterday as I didn’t care to think. Why care about caffeine when life really isn’t worth thinking about or concentrating on. Be as bloody ADD as you want. But today, let’s perhaps be a bit more focused even if you still feel like you’re the biggest fuck up of the millennium.

Oh, and why I like my little cocktail? Well, the vitamin C is good for you when sick (even though I don’t really think megadosing matters–probably best to just keep the fluids coming in) and the fizz feels nice for your sore throat–as long as it’s not too sore. If you had Strep, it would kill you.

Oh, and I did drag my sorry physical self down to the video store. That’s what you do when you’re sick–no, not drag yourself outside–watch DVDs. I rented five and watched three in the afternoon when I got home and last night. What were they?

Pan’s Labyrinth. Now, even though I’m a total geek, you would think I’d like the fantasy genre but I don’t. I could have read Lord of The Rings when I was about four as I always read beyond my level but I didn’t. I did try later when still a kidlet–BORING! I never even bothered with the movies. I probably should but… Someone told me Pan’s was different and that I would in fact like it. They were right. But nice ending? Lovely. That certainly made me feel better!

Gray Matters. A light comedy about Heather Graham coming out as gay. Not well scripted or well acted (well, Heather always does a good job, I think) but not a good movie. Except for gay content. That is always good but not enough gay content for gay PA in this one.

Snow Cake. I had wanted to see this for a long time. Alan Rickman–love him. Sigourney Weaver–love her. Carrie-Anne Moss–love her. Autistic Spectrum–let’s see how this works out. Not a bad movie. I’m always very curious when NTs both write about, direct and portray people on the Spectrum. A lot of HFAs and Aspies get kind of pissy about it. I don’t know what some of them might have thought of this film? I didn’t check any message boards or anything.

I have two more to watch today. The White Masai based on the true story/autobiography of Corinne Hoffman who falls in love with a Masai tribal warrior in Kenya. Also, Exterminating Angels. Now what can I say about this one? French film. A French director decides to make a film about female sexuality and all sorts of interpersonal sexual involvement ensues. Supposedly either very controversial or real crap. Well, let’s check that out and see.

My Seroquel (I’m presuming?) has given me some aid in remembering my dreams. And some of them were or have been quite amusing. Let’s see… And I think quite a few have been sexual in nature? HA! That’s pretty funny. Seeing as I have never been able to remember my dreams before…well, perhaps on rare occasion, I’m just wondering how many of them were also sexual in nature! Actually, these first two are. No wonder I can remember them?

I met Hugh Laurie. He wanted to have sex with me. Gee, how vain am I, huh? I really don’t want to have sex with men anymore but since it’s Hugh…?! I mean, he’s such a fabulous actor and so damn funny! I mean, it would certainly be a feather in my cap. Not that I’m big on conquests or anything *smirk*

Emma Thompson strolled through as well (they had a relationship waaaaaay back and are still friends.) How I met Hugh was, he was doing a small improv show and I was sitting beside him and the other actor. Emma said, “Oh good, PA is sitting with Hugh,” and then she left. The play ended and that’s when the proposition came about. I told Hugh that I’d rather sleep with Emma but she really wasn’t looking that great these days (as opposed to when she was younger-BWA-HA-HA!) I can’t remember what answer I gave him but I think it might have been a yes…

Another sex dream? Nicole Kidman. Well at least this time it was a woman? Do I even like Nicole Kidman? I guess so–she’s alright–yes, indeed. Would I have sex with her? Sure! I don’t remember much about this one except for her lying on a bed with me and just that the whole thing was very suggestive and I knew she wanted to have sex with me. Again, how vain am I?!?!

And you know, the funny thing is, I don’t give a toss about “celebrities.” I don’t have any sort of “crushes” on them or “things” for them! Someone once asked me not long ago celebrity wise: “Who do you find attractive?” I was like, I have no clue! Really, I didn’t and don’t. I guess if I thought hard about it? I mean, now, I like them perhaps more for their acting skills? Maybe I have a better time finding ones I don’t find attractive haha. But really, ultimately I don’t care.

I think I’d rather find an attractive person in real life that I might have a chance to actually meet–but even that doesn’t guarantee that I’d have a chance with them. BWA-HA-HA! (again…)

I’ve dreamt about dear Mozart. *sigh* In fact I did just this morning. It was so vivid, I could practically feel his warm, furry body curled up beside mine as I slept. I awoke feeling rather sad. There have been times when I haven’t thought about him at all and there have been others when I have. The sort of typical moments when a routine would be established–feed me please, when I go outside on the weekends with MacBook and he waited (either desperately, impatiently or patiently) for me to fix my tea, get dressed in appropriate clothing for weather and to put his harness on. And also when I come home and no excited little boy to greet me.

You know, I haven’t done a thing with any of his stuff since he died! It’s been a month and a half. I don’t know why. Probably motivation. I mean, I can’t get a lot of things done around here most of the time and… His litter and litter box still sits; as does his food–a huge bag of dry food that was just purchased. A couple of cans of wet food that can be just thrown out, I guess. He was on a special diet due to bladder stones that were caught and treated in time–Mommy knows about kitty ailments. His food bowls still sit in the kitchen, also left untouched.

What the hell? Sometimes, I walk past them and barely notice them and others, I do and I think about him. Of course there are some things I will never get rid of. It was the same with my female before him that he knew. I had them both at the same time and they shared things like toys–those I will keep. And his harness and collar.

Some people have asked me about getting a new cat. I’ve said, “No, absolutely not. Too soon.” For some reason, though, lately the thought has crossed my mind. But then it dissipates like his last breath that I never got to feel and again, I think, no…not something I should do right now.

Okay…this post sort of went from boring to sex, to amusing to sex again to depressing like that? Welcome to my life–except for the sex part. I have no idea on earth how to tag this… I guess I’ll just stick a bunch underneath since I wrote about a whole lot of garbage and this post is a total mess.

Maybe it’s time to throw up another song too…although the Placebo one will still be available wow…that one’s a real downer. I’ve been playing some really sad stuff lately. Perhaps it’s time for something a little more upbeat? Let’s see what I can dig up.

So I took another fall tonight. My glasses saved me again. No, really. It’s happened before. They have saved me from a serious black eye. I’m not joking. And yes, while drunk–and yes, not long ago.

It’s funny, people think my glasses are designer…Armani, Gucci on and on… No one has actually said Liz Claiborne. Interesting. I’d have to agree with that…even though, I have shit frames, Liz really doesn’t do a good job there. Sorry, Liz.

Anyway, I’m still not doing so well in the alcohol management department. No. As I mentioned in the first sentence, I took a fall. Now, this is not new. When PA drinks copious amounts of alcohol (or has done in the past) her legs fail due to meds. Oops. Yes. Not pretty. And it’s always on her own and no one is there. She needs to take care of herself. But it’s random. Sometimes I can drink a lot and be fine. At other times…it’s…well?

Tonight was a “well.”

I can mention other times–when once (recently) and another time (years ago) I thought I had a concussion but tonight I actually cut my head. Yeah. That was weird. I mean, I’d banged my head before but I’d never actually cut myself and drawn blood.

Alright. It wasn’t severe, just superficial but time to clean up and also work on any possible bruising and swelling. So clean the small wound and look at what else was there and grab a bag of frozen vegetables and shove it on my face. I swear, it’s the best ice pack you’ll ever find.

Since it wasn’t serious swelling, it didn’t require major on/off (i.e. the time that you spend icing and then removing and then icing again.) I just gave it a few minutes to relieve a bit of the pain and that was that.

It’s amazing though. My fucking (relatively) cheap pseudo-designer glasses have saved me from so many drunken falls. I am amazed that they are still in existence and…well, so am I? Shit.

I’ve been wanting to play this song–yes, another song–ever since I was writing on my Blogger blog. This song breaks my heart. I hits me to the core about addiction. Of course it’s about heroin but a drug is a drug. It doesn’t matter what demon that you’re facing and what it is or who it is that you are trying to kill–oh, sorry–that’s a bit violent but I mean metaphorically your issues (?) You are angry, you are hurting, you are lost and you don’t know what to do.

The scary part is that the pain or the people or the illness that you want to eradicate? You risk killing yourself in the process.

This song just makes me just…wow…if any of you out there are struggling…it’s a bit painful but so is our battle, correct?

So I give you: “My Sweet Prince” by Placebo.

So I’m sitting here at work.

Not working.

Obviously. I’m writing this blog post?

But I’m thinking about work. Not about doing some work at the moment mind you…but my capacity, ability, the fact that I really haven’t been doing such a great “job” at getting things done. My concentration is still not the best and my motivation? Still not so great either but I am pushing hard. I mean, I have to, right? It’s got to get it done! I can’t physically be here and pretend I’m not and still on medical leave. I don’t have a cloak of invisibility and I can’t turn back time to when I was really off.

Now what is driving all of this is the fact that I am to start full time hours this coming Monday. I have been working modified hours (half days) in the mornings since the beginning of July. Now that’s been 2.5 months. A reasonable amount of time for me to ease back into things? I was off for about 2.5 months in total beforehand, not working at all. This is the longest time I have been both off work and then on modified hours from this job. I had one hospitalization about three years ago and I returned to work very quickly afterward. It’s hard to remember but it was within a few weeks or less?

*PA pauses*

I’m not really sure what to say or think about this. I guess it ultimately doesn’t matter as things will play out as they will play out. I still have options if I start to unravel all over again and it’s just too much. I do sort of wonder how I will be able to handle going back to the regular routine at work as I feel really spaced out here a lot of the time. I can here many of you laughing out there sort of saying, “Yeah, join the club!” even if you don’t have any sort of mental diagnoses hehe. Indeed, work is work and it can make everyone a little “crazy.”


Let’s all hope for the best case scenario and it will help me get a little bit more on track? This has been by far the worst relapse I have had and to be brutally honest (as I’m sure you all can tell by reading this blog) I am still in the very challenging position of achieving stability. I haven’t felt this completely messed up since I was first diagnosed (incorrectly, might I add) with anything.

We are not amused.

I will be going to see Merlin #2 next week as well and will be asking to bump the Concerta up to the next level. I believe I am feeling some relief at the second titration tier but not enough. More. Please. Merlin #1 also agrees that I need it.

So I’m going to take the weekend and make a strong effort to try and get myself organized and also relax and prepare for a full and lengthy Monday. Maybe that’s another reason why I’m avoiding responsibility right now and composing this post. It’s my last half day and with full days coming up there will be lots of time to wade through all of the stuff that has built up since I was away for those 2.5 months.

Want to hear something funny? ADD PA had a look at some things and she was already behind on some of them anyway! Good grief. I am so grateful I have very patient managers who know I’m a complete mental case and have no problem with my redonculous screw ups.

*sigh* (part II)

Okay, because my brain is still in a bit of a meltdown stage and I really can’t think of anything else to write about, it’s time to learn some Yiddish, everyone!

I have this terribly cute and funny book that I bought for 50 cents at a charity book sale. It’s called “Yiddish with Dick and Jane” and is written in the typical format of the Dick and Jane stories. I tossed in the Wiki link as when I took a peek, I was curious to read about the UK adaptations.

Now, of course you can look up so much more Yiddish on the internet–tons out there but these are just some that I found quite amusing from the book. And it’s written for adults. There’s even a subplot about two male characters who turn out to be gay *laughing*

  • alter kocker – literally “old shitter,” a grumpy old man–more harsh than an “old fart”
  • dreck – literally “excrement or dung,” used in reference to junk like merchandise that’s cheap
  • hokking me a tshynik – literally “banging me a teakettle,” relentless talking and jabbering to the point of driving someone crazy–this was a big one with ex-partner saying it to her mother hehe
  • plotz – to completely “explode” emotionally to news, either good or bad
  • schmatte – a totally, raggy, old piece of clothing that you just can’t get rid of–and completely disapproved of by your mother (as in you’re not leaving the house wearing that!)
  • shpilkes – “on edge,” said as “sitting on shpilkes”–again, another big one with ex-partner whenever she was worried about me in ANY way…
  • tsedoodelt – confused, mixed up, wacky etc… (I love this one but there are quite a few others to describe this mental state…I just think this one is fun to say)

Okay, I could give you more but I’m feeling a little “oysgeshpilt”…one of my absolute favourites.  It means “worn out.”  Or perhaps something passe that has run its course.

Oh, wait..not done yet! Here’s a version of Hava Nagilah (or you can spell it Hava Nagila) by a Klezmer band. I actually have a techno version of Hava Nagilah if you can believe it…rather interesting.

…stats are down…no comments.

Stats don’t mean anything but I’m no stranger to people having nothing to say when you’re a mental case in the throes of hell. Again.

But really, it’s not like my posts have been incredibly profound lately either. And it’s not like they’re ever remotely profound anyway?

Don’t worry. You need not say a word.

Next song. See MP3 Of The Moment.

The Smiths–Asleep

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I’m tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don’t try to wake me in the morning
‘Cause I will be gone
Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well …

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye …


Guilt rules my life…it always has…I am an eternal sinner.

That’s all I’m going to say.

Except for this:

I’m going a bit overboard with the Catholic stereotype thing.

Apologies to all of my Catholic readers–you see–one more example of guilt.

…I might feel more terrible about things than I already do and suffer from a bit of Catholic Guilt. My Scrupulosity meter might be completely in the red zone? A religious form of OCD interestingly enough…

No form of alcoholic OCD either today, kids. I am staying at home and taking care of some menial chores and just relaxing, doing as little as possible and what not. Perhaps putting off some of my more immediate responsibilities will force me to do them in the afternoons during the week and that will keep me occupied? Cycling weather a bit uncertain so that shall be left for another day as well.

So here’s a joke to lighten the mood. No offense to anyone who is Catholic or… well, you’ll see when you get to the punchline.

In a Catholic school as several young girls were preparing to graduate, Mother Superior wished to speak to them to ask them what they wanted to do with their lives. She spoke to one girl who said she wished to become a nurse.

“Oh how lovely,” said Mother Superior. “That is an excellent way to help people.”

She then spoke to a second girl who said she wanted to become a teacher. Again, Mother Superior was thrilled and said that was a wonderful way to shape young minds and set them on the right path of life from the very beginning.

Mother Superior then spoke to a third girl who said she wanted to become a prostitute. Oh dear. Well, Mother Superior swooned and fell to the floor. A couple of other nuns came to her rescue, splashed some Holy Water on her face and eventually she came around.

She asked the girl again, “I’m sorry dear, I’m not quite sure I heard you correctly. What do you wish to do when you get older?” The girl repeated that she wanted to become a prostitute.

“Oh thank heavens!” Mother Superior sighed with relief. “I thought you said you wanted to become a Protestant!”