I’ve been staring at my screen for a long time now. Health Psych made a comment that she thought, even though I was thinking of, or needing a blogging break, her suspicions were that I would soon come back to be among “friends.”

That made me think. A lot. A lot about blogging. A lot about my state of mind. A lot about what has happened and indeed, the support that everyone has given me.

I do still want to get away from “life posts.”  But whatever.

I accomplished a lot this weekend–more than I had hoped.  I skipped down to a pub–not cesspool! And don’t worry…not a lot to drink.  Just a bit.  I thought I needed a break.

A man was playing music.  Accoustic guitar, some pedals and an amp. but not overwhelming.  He was good.  But what really blew me away was he played Queen’s “Bohemian Rhopasody” on his own! Now, correct me if I am wrong but are not all of the members of Queen classically trained? And is that song so incredibly complicated and arranged? For one man to do it perfectly (as he did) solo on just an accoustic guitar…

I had to approach him and say something.

Now, I know virtually nothing about music but I know at least that what he did was pretty amazing.  I bought his CD.

Prior to that.  I met, yes…a fellow nutbar.  How does this always happen? I swear, my nutbar radar is now better than my gaydar.

He was this huge man! I mean, what…270lbs? He utterly dwarfed PA.  Talk, talk, talk…no point in really how we got around to it all…it’s the same story, how PA always tells and advocates.  He said, “We have a lot in common.”

Bingo.

He had mentioned something briefly about a hospitalization but he didn’t say why.  We went outside for a cigarette.  I asked him about it, what he meant–about what he had in common.  He slowly lifted his sleeve and showed me his cutting scar.

It is very hard for men to admit they cut.

He said to me, “I am so ashamed.”  His eyes began to well up with tears.  I told him that no, no…I understand! There is no need to be ashamed! I raised my sleeve and showed him my scars.  He told me not to show them in public, his eyes starting to fill more.  I gave him a big hug.

I reassured him as best I could that there is nothing wrong with what he did or what I did.  I also started making the crazy joke I always do about becoming the terrible “amateur surgeon” where I severed only my median nerve and no major arteries or veins.  No one in hospital could figure out how I did it.

He wanted my number.  Sure…happy to talk if you need.  But be forewarned.  I am a nutcase who may not always pick up the phone.  I may be tired.  I may be busy.  I may be just preoccupied.  But I do pick up my messages.

How do I find these people?

PA just has psychiatric ESP?

God…when he left I was almost in tears for him.  I don’t know if I’ll hear from him but at least we got a chance to talk and perhaps he will know that he’s not the only one? Not that I’m giving myself that much credit for such a brief exchange…no, not at all.  I just know how hard it was for him to open up.

I’ll never forget those tears welling up in his eyes.


  1. Ian

    What do you mean by “life posts”?

    I think the encounter between you and this man was amazing. I’ve never met anybody who was like me in real life just like that. Like me in their mental derangedness I mean.

    This is my first comment and I just wanted to add that your blog is incredible.

    Like

  2. Hi Ian, what a wonderful comment to see first thing in the morning when I logged on at work. Welcome and thank you so much for the compliment on my blog. Feel free to come back and visit and offer up whatever you would like to say whenever you wish.

    I’m flattered that you think the encounter was amazing. I do try to do what I can to reduce stigma and reach out to people. I think we all need to feel a little bit better about our mental illnesses etc… no matter how much they may trouble us or hurt us at times.

    “Life posts?” Well, I like to try and get into things that interest me on a pseudo-intellectual level *laughing* Although, I am hardly an expert as I am not in the medical field. And I like to also try and mix in humour, creativity(?)…I’m not sure…

    However, I suppose this blog was always meant to have a psych/neuro focus. I guess I just don’t want to ramble on too much about my boring life at times? I mean, as mentioned, who cares about my groceries *rolls eyes*

    I’ll toss it back to you as a reader–well any/all of you…what do you think?

    Thank you again Ian…you’ve put a smile on my face this morning with your compliments. I do hope to see you again.

    Take care,
    PA

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  3. Ian

    I like those posts in which you handle in such a witty and sometimes ironic way the subject of psychiatry as a field of study and its new revelations.
    But often I enjoy your “life posts” even more, because reading about how a fellow nutcase overcomes the difficulties of everyday life inspires me to tackle the difficulties in my life in times when I’d rather give up on everything.

    So I think the current ratio of life to discourse is fine.

    Like

  4. Oh, Ian…thank you so much again! Your feedback is definitely inspiring. A lot of times, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing on my blog so what you say is really great.

    You are a valuable contributor. Please, definitely, come back.

    And don’t give up! We’ve all got to make our way through this together, right?

    PA

    Like

  5. Don’t limit yourself to single issues…. if you start Not writing here because what you want to write about on a particular day doesn’t meet some basically arbitrary criteria for this specific blog you’ll be editing and leaving all sorts of things off the blog which, being on the blog, might help you. Just go with the flow. If you want to write about medical issues, and your brain will let you do the research, write it up. If your brain is being a little Off, throw up a YouTube and maybe write 200 words on your favourite socks. But don’t feel guilty for writing about Stuff on this blog, and there’s no need to ever apologize… it’s Your blog.

    Like

  6. I think you should write about whatever inspires you to write, regardless of what that may be. Your posts are always interesting poppet. Fish

    Like

  7. sodajerk

    last 2 comments are bang on.

    Like

  8. Hi Gabriel…, no…you are totally correct. This wasn’t really a blogging angst sort of thing (as we have talked about.) I guess, since I have just sort of taken a break (after blogging like a fiend for so long) I may have had a momentary…pause.

    Or not.

    I think it was more a momentary “thought” brought on by Ian’s question about my mention of “life posts” and what I meant about that. And then…well, ’round, ’round we go…

    So yes, you are definitely right–and I wasn’t having a blogging crisis!

    Although now you do have me itching, almost craving to post about my socks!

    Hi fishwithoutbicycle. Oh, thank you pet. I don’t know if my posts are always interesting but I really appreciate you saying that!

    xo

    Hi sodajerk, thanks dear. Hugs to you too.

    Like

  9. tracy

    hi PA, So good to see you out and about. i loved your story and have a similar one. i, too, seem to attract those similar to myself (ie, the nuttier types). i had a really good friend who volunteered at the same rescue squad that i did and he was also a (former) cutter…only he called it “slashing”…i guess it made it sound more “masculine…”?
    Anyhow, it made it really easy to talk about our various emo and psych problems, knowing how similar we were…i really miss him. Take good care, missy and please keep writing your life stories…they truly help and inspire, tracy

    Like

  10. Deb

    I actually think something very important happened between you both.

    Like

  11. Hi tracy, thanks for your comments and encouragement. Yes, meeting others with similar issues is interesting, isn’t it? It’s nice to share.

    Hi Deb, good to see you. Thanks, as well. But you know how I like to help and advocate, right? *shrug*

    Like

  12. PA – Like everyone else has said, your psych issues are part of your existence. Allow yourself to express it through your blog… it’s a piece of you.

    Like

  13. Hi Rach, thank you…I appreciate your support as always.

    Like




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