Archive for November, 2007
I bloody well hope not.
Since this recent migraine debacle, I’ve been getting headaches every day. Well, the postdrome ones really don’t count. That’s understandable. Now, I can’t remember what was going on last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday as I was quite busy at work but I could have been headachy then too. But since Saturday (and I know it’s only Wednesday) I am getting them daily.
I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on. The weather is cold, yes but can it really be doing such a number on my head? And I can’t get in to see my neurologist until my next appointment in January.
I looked into Concerta/Methylphenidate as it could be the only culprit. We titrated in mid-September up to 36mg and I really don’t recall any pain in my bean but the first migraine hit in early October.
Now, headaches can be a significant side effect of Concerta but I had to dig deep to find anything on migraines other than anecdotal evidence. I only found something on one site even though I didn’t spend too long looking as my head was killing me (and still hurts now…)
Both Merlin #2 and (well, Merlin #1) didn’t seem to have a problem prescribing/ordering it and they know I have migraine problems. I seem to recall the last time I saw neuro, I told him that I would probably be going on it and he didn’t have any issues with it either.
So, I’ve taken a “drug holiday” from my Concerta. Yes, this is safe. Stims are the only psych meds you can do this with and not start going out of your mind. Although, I am rather muddled at the moment. Perhaps it was doing me more good than I thought! Either that or these constant headaches are doing me in. Or both. But I’ve only been off the Concerta for two days.
It shouldn’t take too long to get out of my system? Even though it is an extended release drug, it has a half life of 3.5 hours if memory serves. And yes, since I take it daily, there is a “reserve” in my system but the clearance rate shouldn’t be that high. Maybe chimpy is listening and he can tell me. I can’t be bothered to think, let alone really look at Google too much as I am completely knackered. And not thinking too clearly.
I’m not sure how long I should try this. What constitutes a “drug holiday” vs. heading toward the way of quitting a med “cold turkey?” I am going to see Merlin #1 this afternoon so we will have a discussion of all things “heads and meds,” obviously. I’m kind of hoping that the headaches will actually continue without taking the Concerta as I don’t want to give up my stims! If today is any indication of life without them…oh my god.
If it’s the Concerta, a few options? Back it down to the lower dose and see if things remain. I was not happy at that dose but I may still manage. Better than nothing? If it is the Concerta, I may still have a problem nonetheless at a lower dose so I will fight for Adderall/Mixed Amphetamine Salts. Merlin #2 was a bit hesitant about that one as he felt there was a chance I’d wing out a bit more on the Bipolar end. Well, if Concerta is not an option due to the headaches, as I’ve always maintained with stims, what’s the worst/or best?
- Nothing happens
- I freak out/get icky side effects
- It works!
If painy brain continues for “a while” without Concerta, resume it and then it’s neuro time! I’ll just have to monitor–and yes, I’m getting a script from Merlin #1 for some triptans today.
Another thing that occurred to me a couple of days ago as well is that my TMJ problems may be coming back? They gave me terrible headaches! But not migraines… So, I can go back to that–again if the Concerta isn’t the problem. This is a true medical mystery? Dr. PA is on the job!
Also, I don’t seem to be getting the best sleep on my current dose of Seroquel/Quetiapine. Is the drug at the current dose not working anymore or is it due to painy brain? Oh, yet another thing to talk about this afternoon… I had to make a list about it and still go over it as wow…is my brain not working well at all.
Ah, yes…and if anyone wants to know specific details about the headaches, temporal and occipital areas, they tend to radiate back from the temporal a bit, I noticed yesterday that they worsen as the day goes on. OTC pain meds don’t seem to do anything? My eyes seem just a tiny, tiny, tiny bit light sensitive but nowhere near migraine land. No blurry vision. I have no sensitivity to sound either but…well, I don’t exactly blast the music on my iPod–just in case?
Okay, I don’t know if I can add anything more to this post…I’m pretty out of it…
Well, with winter encroaching now that November is almost ending, I needed to go shopping. It’s not like I don’t have all the necessary gear. I mean, I live in Canada and it’s not like winter is a completely new phenomenon to me. But with all my wretched weight loss over the past year or so, I am completely frigid–well, in a temperature sense *wink* I’m trying to be funny as it’s migraine postdrome/hangover day. Although due to that fact, I am probably frigid in that sense today *rolls eyes* Not really rolling eyes. That would hurt.
Now, we got hit with a severe “cold snap” just before the weekend (hence my migraine yesterday?) This necessitated my little shopping trip. I have always been a “cold” person. I need to be pretty bundled up in the winter and with, again, all of the weight loss I was only in a T-shirt and shorts twice this summer. I got my parka out very early, way before the rest of the population and thought, there is no way I am going to make it through the winter. No way.
I NEED LONG UNDERWEAR!
I hate shopping. I hate crowds. I hate shopping malls (that have crowds.) I hate canned music in shopping malls. I hate canned Christmas music in shopping malls. Thank you, iPod.
I went to the men’s wear department as I wanted some lovely, waffle long underwear. I like waffle. It is a pleasing, repetitive pattern that I like to stare at. Oh, PA! Who are you trying to kid? Ha…good pun for later… The size S was a 30″ waist. I didn’t even bother looking at either the inseam or the price.
Up we go several floors to the children’s wear. I knew I would end up there. Really, I did. Now, they don’t make this kind of stuff for “little girls.” Well, they might but there’s no way in hell I’m wearing all pink and flowery fucking long underwear (see my “Awesome Guy Blogger” badge on my sidebar for more details.) And that’s just one reason. That sort of thing is definitely not my “style!” Could you imagine if I was in some kind of accident and they had to rip off my clothes? How embarrassing!
So, off to the boys’ area… Now, the tops were pretty easy. Size XL. Little boys do not have breasts. Although I have lost a significant amount of weight, I still have mine! The bottoms. Oh dear. Waist size, length. I just about screwed that up totally! At first, I was going to buy the XL as I was thinking…good lord…you’re shopping in the kid’s section! But when I finally paid attention to the label, they were a 28″ waist! Oh, no! That won’t fit! Too big!
Think…think…think… Size L vs. Size M… Now the Ls were a 27″ and the Ms were a 26″ in waist sizes. I am a 26″ waist now.
Aside: Is that small, guys? Probably not too much since I’m about 5’2″? I mean, it’s not supermodel, crazy-waist small.
But I didn’t think the Ms were long enough in the leg. So, go for the Ls and just tuck everything in! I didn’t want to waste time trying on little boys long underwear (well, I guess it’s “youth?”) I just wanted to go home!
But I think I actually scored better in the wee, kiddie section. These are microfleece as kids like to be all sporty and active (there was even a picture of a snowboarder on the packaging.) They keep you all dry and have this non-microbial, odour protection stuff (haha…I won’t get sick or smelly?) They won’t pill. And they were 30% off. That’s always a nice surprise. I bought three pairs and I’m wearing one right now *laughing*
After getting so sick and down to 90lbs. (but I think I’m still 100lbs. now?) I always joked about having to shop in the kids’ section. Well, now it’s true. And yes, I’ll stick to the boys’…none of that frilly, little girl crap.
So, here’s a new song for the occasion. It’s the only one I could find.
“Lonely Boy” by Andrew Gold.
Yep. If you read this that I only posted on November 19–a scant few days ago–another migraine. At least today is a Saturday and I am at home…not at work like that one and the one about six months ago that was mentioned in that post.
This is nuts. I mean…I just had a migraine on Monday. Five flippin’ days ago. I should have figured it out when I woke up today. But it was different than before And there was also something else that happened.
It was like I hadn’t taken my sleep meds at all! I was up every one or two hours all night. Now that has never happened since I have started taking the Seroquel/Quetiapine. However…continuing with the migraine progression that also varied a bit.
When I got up, I was extremely depressed. Now this was rather odd and distressing to say the least. My moods have been fine. Usually prior to getting a migraine, I am irritable. Not extremely but enough to notice a mood change. But never have I had a mood plummet. It was almost verging on the “can’t-get-out-of-bed” sort of depression but not that bad…I was functioning a bit, on the computer somewhat but it was hard.
I was so bloody naseous too. This did make me sit up and take notice. But I simply refused to believe that I would get another so soon! And the weather (only identified trigger, right?) hasn’t changed too much. I don’t think so? Not in temperature, perhaps but I can’t measure barometric pressure in my head.
So, no triptans in the house, no Gravol/Dimenhydrinate…just Ibuprophen? Ha ha. I will get some more triptans from Merlin #1 as I will be seeing him on Wednesday. And yes, I should pick up some more anti-nauseant.
My next appointment with my neuro isn’t until January. Perhaps they will be able to fit me in earlier? I will tell the receptionist about the issue, of course.
I’m not sure what he will say. I don’t know. He might just say keep chomping on the triptans (well, that’s not accurate…mine are sublingual) or he might go with better prophylaxis. Or both. I mean, I’d always need the triptans. But if they’re getting more frequent–and like this–can we please ramp up either my Topamax/Topiramate or my Frisium/Clobazam? Well, or my Lamictal/Lamotrigine? But he probably wouldn’t favour that one. I wouldn’t either?
I don’t know which might work better but I know the former is prescribed fairly often(?) to people here? Or at least I know of quite a few. I don’t think I know a lot of people on the second–for seizures or migraines–but they are out there in the world. Not to mention, I’m on a low dose. However, he’s the boss. Unfortunately, he’s not as keen on me being as keen on my med knowledge. Still, if we do go the prophylaxis route, he certainly would allow me to throw my thoughts into the discussion.
Well, I guess I should go and try and rest. I’m still waiting for my sleep meds to kick in as I took them hours ago to try and sleep earlier. But I couldn’t as it felt like my head was splitting in half and well…they take a while to kick in anyway.
Well, it’s been a year. Wow. Sometimes calm, sometimes pretty wild, sometimes boring and complete, total snoozefest.
I’ve seen a few posts where people mention blog anniversaries and they thank a lot of people. I am not going to do that. I am also not going to go on and on like this is some kind of speech like I’ve received some grand award for worldwide recognition or something. I don’t think either I or my blog is that worthy!
And why I am not going to thank a whole whack of people is for fear that I may leave someone out! Yes, I suspect I would forget at least one person and probably more.
I have “met” some fantastic people. Others, I have not. Some of you have commented. Some of you have read my blog, not commented and I have not “seen” you. Regardless, I wish to thank each and every one of you. You have encouraged me and supported me in so many ways…probably more than you’ll ever know.
Alright…on October 2nd I got a migraine at work. Guess what happened today? Only this time it hit earlier–like about an hour and a half into my day? I’m still feeling kind of sick but not too bad? And of course I didn’t/don’t have my (single, last triptan) on me.
I’m not quite sure what happened as it seemed like a bit of a “migraine roller coaster.”
Things seemed to follow the same pattern as in the above link but how on earth did I manage to sort of, kind of, partially…recover by the end of my work day. I did not take any OTC pain meds as they don’t do anything for me anyway. The only thing I can come up with is caffeine.
Even though it can be a trigger for some, for other migraineurs, if you can get some into you quickly enough, you might be able to ward off your nasty headache. Or reduce it to a degree like I have done? Granted, it didn’t do anything for my nausea… But that seems to possibly be a bit better too? I can’t quite tell. I’m still a bit out of it and possibly moving into the Postdromal phase as I am exhausted and feeling rather depressed and forlorn.
I am not impressed, however. As I have mentioned before, the only trigger that I have identified is weather change. In October, we had oddly warm temperatures that then dropped. Now we have plunged into rather cold temperatures. I do not wish to have an increase in my migraines with every stupid weather fluctuation as, well…weather is completely unpredictable! My migraines were doing quite well…up until now?
And interestingly enough (strangely enough?) I have been getting small headaches for the last few days–every day. That struck me as odd as I do not normally get headaches at all–at least not for years! And that is not a typical Prodromal phase symptom–at least not as far as I could find. Again, the Prodromal phase can last for several days.
So time to stock up on the abortives, I guess mention it to my neurologist when I see him in January (especially if they keep coming on) and then take it from there…
Okay, my work day is done. Time to take my relatively long commute home and ugh…
I saw P. from our spring hospital stay last night. We met last weekend and he really wanted to keep the contact up and I am certainly fine with that. We had dinner and went to see a movie. The dinner was great but the movie was absolutely awful!
We went to go see “Lions for Lambs.” Now I positively forbid all of you to see it! It’s about the U.S. war in Afghanistan and the plot is easy enough to follow etc… but as you are watching and waiting for something to actually happen, it just ends! P. and I were…huh?
P. has found an OCD support group to attend. Support groups really aren’t my thing but I was definitely pleased for him as he sounded really enthusiastic about it. I asked him if he wanted me to go with him. After all, it is a “support” group, right? He said to me that he was thinking about asking me but he wasn’t sure what I would say or if I would be interested.
Oh, I just about died on the spot. Of course I would go! He’s such a sweet guy and I would do anything to help him.
It meets once weekly in the evenings and I’m not sure if he’s going to start this week or not but I’ve cleared my calendar (like it’s that busy haha) so I can attend.
I think it might be interesting, though. I’m not sure. Like I said, support groups are not my thing… Well, I guess I’ll find out.
Good grief. Now, my stats aren’t that high (or at zero) but sheesh. Maybe you are my regulars or maybe you are referrals…or maybe you are all here by accident but nonetheless, thanks for coming by!
I’m still alive. I swear…I just don’t know what on earth to write about! I mean, this is the exact opposite from when I was in hospital in the spring and I was making sometimes two or three posts a day! I made one every day, definitely. I’m reasonably sure I was driving my regular readers back then, almost to the point of checking themselves into the psych ward just by trying to keep up with me.
So, in a complete parallel, my life is indeed as boring as this blog. I mean, nothing is happening. Maybe that’s at least one reason I haven’t been writing? I’m really just not sure what to say.
I’m still having some issues with motivation and I’m kind of…erm…blah. Winter is starting to, well…not arrive in full force but the temperature is dropping and wee PA absolutely can not stand winter. Yet another factor that adds to me not wanting to do a damn thing. I really must get my stupid arse moving with at least some form of something…something at least “amusing?”
Well, here’s something…amusing?
I came by a free iMac. Ahhh…you’re all thinking, ‘Whoa, PA! Great score!’ Heh.
It’s a G3 with an 18GB HDD. Someone boosted it up to 512MB RAM…woo hoo! There is some software on it and it does work. It’s actually running OSX. The only issue (well, maybe not the only one) is the DVD (ROM, not burner haha) is broken but I have MacBook and a home DVD player already. But now I have an external keyboard and a mouse if I ever get tired of a tiny keyboard and a touchpad. That’s kind of cool. And the guy who checked it out and did some work on it thinks there’s a wifi card in it?
I don’t know. I haven’t looked at it. It’s still sitting in the box as again, I’m too unmotivated to do anything *rolls eyes*
Ah, well. It was free. And it does work. Kind of fun to have a nice Mac antique…or it will be in about a month? I’ll have Mac Guru take a gander when he visits me next time.
Oh, and for all the Mac Heads out there…I got the “Indigo” model *laughing* Actually, that is quite good. Some of their colours were rather hideous when they came out with the iMacs back then!
I had a really great weekend. Well, until…
On both days I caught up with a couple of friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time.
Saturday was S., I guy that I worked with many years ago and well, we have been trying to get together for years. No, really…years! We finally did it. Had a nice dinner, a good talk. Hopefully, it won’t take us more years to do it again!
Sunday was P., the closest friend I met while in hospital in the spring. The only one I’m still in contact with, actually. We had been playing vicious phone tag since we were both released. Again, we finally got together too and spent the bulk of the afternoon having a really, worthwhile time.
So, I finally came home and started doing some chores that I had been ignoring and I decided to call my mother and try to explain about what she did and how it couldn’t happen again. I may have been too harsh as I just wanted to get my point across and not carry on a lengthy conversation. I may have dropped a bomb.
I called my sister to give her a bit of a warning as it is usually my mother’s style to call her when she is in some sort of distress. My sister completely blasted me (again.) I was a bit stressed out as I had never needed to speak to my mother in such a manner as I usually just ignore what she does and how she behaves. However, this time I felt I needed to say something due to the gravity of the events that occurred because of her actions.
My sister (not in this term as she does not know it) basically told me that I had “pressured speech.” This is a sign of being (hypo)manic. She kept telling me, “…listen to yourself…!” over and over–insinuating that I was basically spiralling out of control when ill or becoming ill. I explained to her that I was fine but stressed because of my phone call to my mother. I was also growing frustrated because my sister would not let me talk and kept interrupting me so that added to my speech and how I sounded.
Then, I began to cry. A lot of it had to do with what she was saying to me and in part, because I simply couldn’t talk and say anything in my defense or make any points in the conversation. When I started to cry, she took a ‘you see?’ sort of attitude to my mental state.
We are still going on and on about the whole 911 incident and she is taking a hard line in the fact that yes, she is worried and feels helpless and cares (and I do understand that–I do!) but she is sort of pitting it against me actually having a mental illness.
She wrote me an email (in response to mine where I said the best way for them to handle the whole 911 was to not do it again unless I was actually, physically in their presence–and how it happened years ago and I got screwed over by the police) and said that basically, you think having a mental illness is hard? Try loving someone with one. Then, it was the fact that I was only seeing things from my perspective. And that I was being rather self-righteous. She also said that basically I had a role to play in the whole 911 incident–presumably because I am mentally ill? And I give those that worry about me reason to worry?
Due to my mental health history that was very uncontrolled earlier on and even due to my last hospitalization in the spring–and yes, I have relapsed in between–she seems to have it in her mind (it seems?) that I will always be on the verge of some crisis, like in a major way! It sounds like she worries constantly! This is what I am gathering from her conversations and her words on the screen.
I don’t know how to reassure her. I don’t know how to calm her down. Yes, with Bipolar you can relapse but…? I mean, I’m not constantly on the edge of (in)sanity!
I have capitulated. I did not engage or try and explain my “side” or even myself any further. I sent a short email back stating that I understood and understand her perspective, have heard her loud and clear and I would do everything I could to let her know that I was fine and if I was not, I would tell her in hope that it would ease her worries and fears. I also said that I would like to move on now as I do not wish to fight anymore since I do understand her.
And since she felt I was acting in somewhat of a self-righteous manner I would call our mother and apologize if I was too harsh. And tell her that I knew that she cared, even though I did so already. But I will do it again to reinforce the fact. After this, I told my sister, we should all be on the same page and that should be the end of it then.
I hope she will respect my wishes. Continuing with this “debate” about her desperate concern and about all of the things I’ve done and my ongoing instability and how I could totally go out of my mind at any given second… It is repetitive, circular and if she won’t let me say anything about it, well…it affects my mental state and does me harm. I even tried saying this and she shut me down and said well, you just have to “change your feelings–I do.” We even got into a “debate” about that and she wouldn’t hear me out.
I am a mess today. I have been stifling tears with all of my power. I don’t know if I can call my mother tonight. I am rather exhausted.
So yes, bombs all over the place last night. I kind of feel like just dropping a big one on myself right now and getting it all over with. Just kidding everyone. Could you imagine? It would be like confirming exactly what my sister fears so fervently.
My typing speed isn’t that great–pretty average so based upon the word count of this…it took me between 3-4 minutes? I just kept typing and didn’t pause at all. It’s ridiculous but maybe worth a laugh or…not?
Writer’s block is one of the hardest (like ouch…like a big block, you know…made of granite) things you have to face when you write. You just feel like you can’t write, right? And it’s even worse when you’re on mind-altering drugs. Well, not crazy drugs. Well, actually they are crazy drugs but I mean legal ones. Unless you can’t get them in your country and you have to buy them over the internet from some weird company in Taiwan that is actually in Bucharest but is really in Morocco or something. But what I first was referring to were crazy drugs that alter your mind in a substance abuse kind of way—like Crystal Meth or GHB or Roofies or something. But well, Roofies might be odd as you’d have to write while you were passed out. But some writers sound like they write when they’re passed out. But the other crazy drugs are the ones that you take when you are crazy. And not like party crazy like the first ones but medically crazy. They make you stupid but you can still be stupid when you party. The medical crazy drugs dull your thinking and can really make your writer’s block worse because they make your head feel like a big block of that hard granite stuff. Because I take lots of those medical crazy drugs and I can’t write at all. I forget my words all the time. And I can’t spell anymore. It really sucks, man. Or like, woman. I don’t want to offend my readers. I know that maybe, someday if I get published or something there will probably be both guys and girls reading it so I don’t want to make anyone mad at me. And someone once told me or maybe I read it somewhere that you write for your audience or something like that. So if I do that then I guess I have to write to say girl and boy all the time. I am trying to remember all of the other things that I learned about how to write but I can’t remember anything. My drugs do that to me too. They make me forget stuff all the time. Sometimes I forget to do dumb stuff. But I can’t remember what I forget to do. So I can’t write it here for you to try and read. Sorry, man. And woman. I don’t know if I can say much more right now. The end.