A Bizarre Christmas And It’s Not Really Here Yet?


I’m sick. Hardly a tragedy, I’m sure, as I know I’ve probably gotten sick over holidays past. Certainly during vacations. That may qualify as a tragedy?

I got a gift from my boss. She always gives things to all of the staff, yummy treats but I get those and something a little more special as I work directly for her in a greater capacity. I opened a little brown box and inside was a tiny ceramic…well, box…with a cat on it. She knows I love cats. It’s red and very nice. It almost looks like it could have been made in the 20s or 30s? The thing is, the cat looks exactly like mine that died in the summer. *sigh*

Now, of course she meant no ill will! I have a picture of him and the girl I had both before and with him who died a few years ago at my desk. I don’t recall if she’s ever paid attention to either picture or maybe she had just not remembered. But that was kind of a weird shock. It is lovely, though.

Escher came over on Friday night and we had our little “Christmas Party.” I said to him, I’d just order a pizza for dinner. He called me later on and said that he’d bought some “appetizers” and a couple of “stocking stuffers.” I gave him shit again for spending yet more money! Argh.

He brought some smoked salmon, some brie and rolls. He also bought some Freixenet. It’s not champagne but a decent enough sparkling white. I gave him some money to cover costs. I said to myself, “You know, you should probably cut this guy some slack. He really is so nice.” I mean, he does drive me a bit batty at times with his neediness. It’s a bit like a yo-yo or a merry go round trying to communicate with him about our “relationship.” At times, he leaves me alone when I need to be, then we go back to the several calls, sometimes daily. And it’s not like I don’t mind spending time with him. He’s an intelligent man and we do have great talks but he does drink too much. That’s not good for me. He’s often said, “When we get together, we’re like a house on fire.” That might be one way to describe it? And sometimes he can act so mental!

It has gotten to a point of late, where I have had to be very frank with him about some things and that is very good for conflict avoidant PA, actually. I told him this and that well, he has at least “taught” me that–it’s always good to learn things from people that come into your life. But one night, he almost became so demanding about how to “address” things that he gave me an ultimatum. I said to him that the majority of times when you give people ultimatums it does not work out in the asker or giver’s best interests.

Another thing he mentioned on Friday night was that he had recently met a straight woman so that might “take the pressure off” his attraction for me. Wow, let’s hope so as I firmly addressed that as well. I do not know. I also had to “address” some news that I knew would disappoint him. On Christmas Day, as I have mentioned previously, I have an invite to dinner from a woman in the neighbourhood. Now a while back, maybe a month or more ago, she had casually invited Escher as well while we had seen each other for drinks. Or rather just bumped into each other in the pub. Fine. I wasn’t even sure if I would be around as a vacation with ex-partner was on the table. Well, I’m still here so obviously it’s not anymore. She’s got other things that have occupied her re: work and such.

So, I ran into this woman and she told me everything was still on but she had to invite some other people. I asked about Escher and she said that sorry, there was just no more room. Shit. I knew he would be upset. He took it badly. I tried to calm him down and eventually, he let it go. I just kept saying, “Come on…we’re having a good time!”

And we continued to do so. And yes, we got the stereo hooked up but funnily enough, the USB connection only supports MP3 units made specifically by the stereo’s manufacturer. HA! Oh well, I don’t care.

He called the next morning and I was completely knackered. I stayed up late listening to music on the stereo and well, we had a late night anyway. I did not sleep well. I do not know why. I didn’t sleep well last night either but there could be several reasons for this: Being sick, starting the Biphentin even though it is the same as the Concerta. Maybe the additional 4mg is…well, it shouldn’t matter but…I do feel more focused today, even though sick (but that usually happens when I titrate at the beginning of a new dose.) But my tummy is sore (never had any gastro upset with Concerta…) Maybe my tummy is sore from this virus.

Or…maybe it is sore and I couldn’t sleep (also due to all of my stress of late too!!!) but because of what Escher told me as well.

Apparently, Escher has Early Onset Alzheimer’s? He said that he was diagnosed just recently. Okay. He’s in his late 50s, he said that his father had Alzheimer’s and someone else? So genetic connection apparently? I mean, I just don’t know what to make of this guy. I must say, at first–and maybe this is just terrible–I questioned if this was just another ploy for attention. But whoa! I mean to joke about that! That’s not something to play with, in my opinion. And he is really not knowledgable about medicine.

Now, if this is the case, is this perhaps why I’m not getting through to him? Why the hell he’s not remembering what I’m saying? But then again, he drinks a lot. Is he having blackouts? Has the alcohol caused some kind of dementia? I was just looking up some things and yesterday (I felt completely awful finding out about this so I spent the entire day with him) he told me one of his favourite authors is Terry Pratchett. Erm…apparently Terry Pratchett has Early Onset Alzheimer’s? Coincidence?

Am I going insane here? And speaking of insane, he called me twice last night…or this morning? Once at 0500hrs!!! I’m trying to sleep! He wanted me to come over again today and at 0500hrs I told him I am sick. He’s called what…again three times today? His last message–at the time of composing this post right now as I am typing this(!) he said he deleted all of my numbers from his mobile phone so he wouldn’t call me and bother me when he was drunk–it would be safer that way. He said I need to work on my things and heal or get well or something. Well, yes, I do and I have told him that.

I called back and said, “Huh?” So…? End of…everything? Maybe a mistake on my part but he said no. He still wanted to be friends but it was all up to me and on my terms. Sure. I’ve heard that one before. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound so cynical. Or nasty. Or what. I don’t even know how I’m sounding. I don’t even know what is going on here.

I mean, if he’s really sick, how culpable can he be? Although, I’m not a neurologist, any kind of doctor and does anyone know how fast this progresses and/or where he may be and…WTF?!?!

Oh, I never mentioned this before as it seemed…well, no point and highly personal? But I asked him about it yesterday. Why he did it and the seeming or apparent rush for it. He is an only child, both of his parents are dead and really, he has no other family that he is close to (although he has some other “closer?” friends that he’s known for years…) He made me his beneficiary. I know. I argued with him that no…too much…not comfortable when he first told me he wanted to do it. However, I respect peoples’ “final wishes,” as it really is their choice, right? I wouldn’t want anyone telling me I couldn’t do whatever the hell I wanted to do with my assets when I shuffle(d) off this mortal coil. At least I got him to agree that I will not be responsible for his burial arrangements etc… That, I can not and will not deal with. Those are being done by his friends he told me.

I also asked him if he had told them about his diagnosis. He said he had only told me and his cousin who is a pharmacist or psychopharmacologist or something. However, I guess they are not that close for her to be his beneficiary or anything? He said telling his friends would kill them. I said that he’d have to tell them sooner or later?

This is so ridiculous…or it’s not…or it is… It’s making my head hurt. Along with everything else that is going on. And being all sick and achy? Time for more ibuprophen.

Like I said…the most bizarre Christmas on record?

I have a philosophy that I have mentioned to a few people. Maybe more than a few. It is that I don’t burn bridges. But if this goes on or gets to be too much…will I have to give him the heave ho? I don’t like to “abandon” people. Especially when they are in trouble. It’s happened far too many times with me when I’ve cared about them and if he does care for me–well, I know he does–it will hurt him a lot. I can hear you all saying, “PA, put yourself first.” But I am not good at that either.

Good grief. I don’t even know what to do with myself.




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