Archive for January, 2008


I wanted to write a post about suicide, but I’ve been on the fence about it. Funny grammar. On the fence about the post, or on the fence about suicide? I didn’t know how to title it either, so I thought I’d just do it straight up.

I sat at home last night contemplating suicide. No, not in terms of methodology, planning, logistics… Actually, more about the “logic,” rather than the logistics.

Now, before I proceed, I want everyone to be very clear about this. I have always maintained that when one is feeling suicidal, it is the illness talking. That is not to say that I do not understand how strongly one feels the urge to end their life. I managed to fend off the urges and voluntarily admit myself to hospital last spring. It was a very good thing to do.

Having said that, I really hope this post makes sense. My god, I actually look like suicide if it had/has a face? I went into the bathroom at work, and my eyes to anyone else would probably indicate that I am either deathly ill, or suffering the worst hangover imaginable. Neither of those are true.

So, these are my feelings…my feelings alone. I am not propagating anything (or intending to.) I am not advocating anything. I am merely expressing. If I can not speak of suicide on my own (mental illness) blog then truly…WTF?

I sat in my flat, thinking first of the very limited number of people who have loved me enough where I can share my pain with them. Not, “Ow, I stubbed my baby toe.” No. I am talking about really, intense pain. There are none…have all gone etc…

I know what you are thinking.

…PA, you never know what is around the corner. You could or might find someone else, other people that can love you that much…

Thank you. I appreciate that, I really do. A few things, though. First, when people feel depressed, they really don’t want to hear that. They don’t believe it. In fact, people who aren’t mentally ill when feeling down or de-/rejected don’t want to hear it. Even if you’re stable, you probably don’t want to hear it! This is why–from my perspective–again.

I’ll give you that you don’t know the future but in terms of this issue, “could,” “might” or “can” don’t work. There are no “guarantees” in those words. There are no guarantees in anything. As such, the very few people that have loved me, have left. So, don’t tell me that there even will be another one because guess what? The “no guarantees” rule still applies. And, here’s where it gets even better. When the people that have been the ones that have loved me enough, where I could bare my soul…they’ve said this to me…and left!

Right. And it’s not like they’ve been my personal dumping ground. I’ve listened to these peoples’ problems too, and tried to help them and care for them with every fibre of my being.

So, if I chose to “leave,” yes…suicide, just what exactly would the impact be? I mean, really! Again, I can not emphasize this fact enough–this is all about me, people–all about me! Don’t go planning your own way to shuffle off this mortal coil because of my puny words on the screen.

Family? My sister. She says it would level her and yet her supportive measures are weak while I am still amongst the land of the living. Further, after the 911 disaster between her and my mother, I no longer feel I can share anything about my mental state or there will be (more) absolute chaos.

Aside: If you don’t know about the 911 “disaster,” my mother and my sister had a flip out several months ago as they couldn’t reach me via telephone. My mother is mentally ill (untreated) and said I was suicidal. I was not. It caused incredible public embarrassment with police and paramedics. I managed to not get hauled off to hospital as I know how to navigate the system. Afterward, there was no reasoning with my sister and she even had the nerve to “blame” me for part of the incident.

My mother. She would just toss it all into her freight-car-sized case of denial.

Non-bio dad. We haven’t spoken in who knows how long. He would take no responsibility. He would twist it around for all the sympathy he could get out of it. “Oh, woe is me!” should be his epitaph.

Ex-partner. She would probably be affected but she may be able to grasp some understanding considering what I have gone through and what I have struggled with. And you also may be thinking, PA, could you not share things with her?

You must remember that she is my ex-partner. We are now friends. It is (to my mind) a bloody miracle that we still ARE friends!

And speaking of friends…?

*PA shakes head*

They’d be sad but they would move on. They’re so rarely around now…all… *PA counts fingers on one hand…recounts again*

Based upon that, the “ripple in the ocean” would probably be just a drop in the bucket.

*PA attempts to smirk*

Indeed, you could argue all the “you never know,” and “no guarantees” for all (cough, cough) that would be left behind me after I killed myself. I really wouldn’t know. I’d be dead.

Ah, yes. It’s Bad Karma, too. Well, you know what, “me?” You’ve already screwed up your Karma so badly, you are completely fucked next time around. Supposedly, I could try and repair the damage while I’m still here but I don’t think there’s enough time.

Anyway…not “going” anywhere…

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Taxi, then Tears, then Tube.  Time, tolerance, tenderness…


I’ll just toss this up now as I don’t know if I’ll post when I get home.  If I do, you get two; if I’m done, you get one.

I’m feeling…oh, pick a word between one and 10.

I guess I’ll just blame it on my hormones.  Sure.  Why not? It’s convenient enough as they’re here, even though they really aren’t very convenient themselves.  Neither are our moods, at times, but both are inescapable, right?

Further, just why did my period show up a week early? That is truly odd.  It never does.  Whatever.

Ah, well.  Tomorrow’s another day.


I went to go see my neurologist this afternoon. We had a lot to catch up on. Since I had been fine for the last couple of years or so, we have only been seeing each other maybe every six months for brief consults. Knowing that, I felt I would have to be really on top and try to cram things in. Of course, I made notes. But, bugger! He’s such an “absent-minded professor type.” As we went on…I mentioned earlier that I needed a script refill.

We both forgot. Because I’m an absent-minded professor type too. I’ll have to get him to call it in, I guess, and pay a bit of money. Ironically, he gave me a script for some anti-nauseants as he said the OTC stuff I was taking (Gravol/Dimenhydrinate) was crap. I get really nauseous when I get migraines.

So, we did a med update. The only thing that I figured was new was the Biphentin. Thank bloody Zeus he didn’t bat an eyelash at that! There is some contraindication with stims and people who have Epilepsy/Seizure Disorders. I swear, had he told me I had to go off my dear Biphentin, I would have gone completely spaztastic or even had a seizure right there and then in his office! No, no…the Biphentin is doing good things…don’t take it away!

Okay, so we talked about the bizarre migraine business where I had three in the fall within the span of about two months. That’s completely ridiculous for me. I’ve never had them like that. “Normally…” I am quite lucky compared to a lot of people. I get them a few times a year. My only trigger that I can figure is seasonal changes, weather etc… That’s why the few times a year. However, fall here was really weird weather wise.

After that…on to the biggie. For the people that have been following along, I had a Complex Partial Seizure in early December. If you don’t know what that’s all about or didn’t know, you can read about what happened here. The post is a bit long as the beginning involves this friend I know but you can skip past that to get to the seizure business. Within that is also a link to the only other types of seizures that I have had: Simple Partial Seizures. They are not as serious. In a nutshell, with Simple Partials, you do not lose consciousness (it may be slightly altered) but with Complex Partials, you do. And I did.

So, the “here we go again” part is I get to go for my jolly EEG and MRI again. I knew he would make this decision. Of course!

The EEG is nothing. All wired up, electrodes all over my head and even a few on my face. What happened before? I can’t remember it was so long ago but I know the hyperventilation trick is to test for absence seizures. And the strobe. Ah… Photic? I think there was some breathing business too. I could look up all the procedures but I have to post this before the Blog365 deadline *laughing*

The MRI? AHHH! Oh, going through that again… I was in that damn “tube” for about 45 minutes or so trying not to move with it hammering and banging away. Sure, they give you ear plugs but it’s still so loud!

They do cushion your head pretty decently though. I just closed my eyes through the whole thing, mostly. Occasionally, I’d open them and look at the light/s in the “tube.” Then, I’d just close them again and keep breathing and try to stay relaxed. They actually give benzos to people if they’re really freaked out beforehand. Maybe I should ask for some this time around *laughing again*

They cushioned my legs really nicely too, actually. They raised them and then padded them underneath and in between so I was more relaxed while lying down. They also gave me lots of blankets. I was so cold! Yes, I had to completely emphasize that. My MRI was at 2300hrs. It’s because they do all of the inpatient MRIs during the day, then take as many outpatient ones after that and then schedule the rest of the outpatient MRIs around the clock.

So, who knows when my MRI will be this time. My EEG will be during “regular” hours. It’s at a different hospital than where my MRI is. Same routine as before.

Both times around (with my first EEG and MRI) my techs were so wonderful! Wow…just so fantastic. In fact, all of my techs have been great over the few years or so with all of my tests (head/tummy.)

As for neuro’s thoughts? Well, I rattled off everything I researched as succinctly as I could. He really is a total arse but I do know him. And not to be totally arsey myself but I know at least..something…myself? So, even if we weren’t “necessarily” collaborating, I knew where he would go and I already knew…well, what I knew or thought.

Psychogenic was ruled out because as “articles” have said: “It’s In The Eyes.” If you have no idea what that means, and you didn’t click on the above link, there are certain types of seizures that may occur, but they differ in that they are not a result from any abnormal electrical discharge in the brain. It doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, however. It just means that the person experiencing them does not have Epilepsy. The “In The Eyes,” thing comes from studies (or at least one that I read) that have been done. The way to distinguish Psychogenic Seizures from Epileptic Seizures is that people with Epileptic Seizures have their eyes open–Psychogenic? Closed. In fact, the numbers are so high it’s amazing!

My eyes were open, and always have been for my Simple Partials.

Neuro seemed to think that it was a Migraine-induced seizure. I did look into that before but I didn’t find anything that correlated–or seemed to. I should go back and do some more digging, I guess. Perhaps, there is a connection between the fall migraines and then the CPS in early December. I mean, the last migraine did occur in late November and the CPS occurred in early December. Neuro said that my migraines can just totally screw with my cortex and make it incidentally go haywire (i.e. a random Complex Partial.) I haven’t had any before and I haven’t had any after.

Hmmm.

Treatment? He’s thinking of increasing my Lamictal/Lamotrigine up to 200mg from my existing 150mg. If so, he would also order it b.i.d. as I take it all in the morning and he thinks it might be better if it was spread out. Well, 200mg? Yes, that probably should be b.i.d. but perhaps some people could take it…well, whatever. He also might consider toying with the Clobazam/Frisium. I’m not sure. We spoke about the first option but he wanted to do blood draws to check the levels of both today so, again, if he wants to make any med changes with either…I have no clue.

Okay, I was going to stream a song that might have worked with this but I am running out of time and need to go to bed! Tomorrow?


The reason I went to the pub yesterday afternoon is because there is a man that plays music on Sundays. Some? Most? I’m not sure. I’ve only seen him a few times but I understand he’s there quite often. I believe they have someone in every Sunday and it’s usually him. They might have other folks, though. No matter. The point is, he’s absolutely excellent! The first time I heard him, I immediately bought his CD.

It’s a nice thing to do on a Sunday afternoon, as well. Just take a break and go out and listen to a talented person play his acoustic guitar and sing away. He can play most covers that people request…a lot of the typical stuff that you would expect in a bar, but if people don’t ask for anything, he just plays whatever. Occasionally, he’ll pepper it all with one or two of his original songs.

He’s originally from Essex. I don’t know how long he’s been living in Canada. He’s so nice. Every time (of the few) that I’ve seen him, we’ve always chatted. I guess it was the second last time, I met his girlfriend. I had noticed her before as whenever he’d take a break, he’d spend much more time talking to her than any of the patrons. However, they weren’t affectionate in any way so I thought, friend…sister? Whatever. I suspected they were somehow connected, though, as she had an English accent as well.

So, that time, I was chatting with him again and he introduced us. Ah, girlfriend! I found out that she was from Essex as well but only here visiting. I joked that she should get him to marry her, and then she could just stay here! Oh, come on…what’s his problem…all of that sort of thing. She just laughed. I don’t know who is lovelier–the musician or the musician’s lady!

Yesterday, I arrived during the latter portion of his first set, I guess. His girlfriend immediately saw me and asked me to sit with her. You see? Oh, so lovely! I mean, we’d only just chatted once! Musician Man took his break and sat with us, had some dinner and we talked some more. His girlfriend ordered some cheesecake and we split it *laughing* She and I continued to talk it up while listening to him play…oh, so nice and fun.

Then, the “sad” news and why I was so “glad” that I showed up. She’s flying back to Essex. She’s got to go as she said she’s been here long enough (I’m not sure exactly how long but I guess it’s been a fair while.) She told me that, at times, she can barely look at him because she feels so sad about going home.

Oh!

Long distance relationships are so difficult even if they are a few hours away, but a continent? Not that it is an impossibility, but you certainly would have to work hard at it, and be very committed–and love each other very much. Well, the love part is a given in any relationship, right? But, the ties need to be very strong when you are far apart, that is for sure. They’ve been together for a while now, and have known each other since they were kids. Perhaps that will help.

I told her that I was so happy that I decided to come and see her boyfriend play yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t going to as I was still doing a bunch of stuff at home but because of that, I just felt like escaping and going outside. So yes, I said that if I hadn’t popped in, I would have missed the opportunity to say goodbye to her.

I know, it all sounds kind of strange, doesn’t it? I’ve only had a couple of conversations (and very brief ones at that) with this woman and yet, it’s like…oh, dear! We both couldn’t have said goodbye! Well, sometimes you just meet really sweet and friendly people out there. That’s good.

So, before they left, I gave her my email address if she wanted another friend in Canada. She said, “Sure!” and took it. I jokingly said to her, “I’ll keep an eye on your boy while you’re away.” She just laughed, we hugged, and out the door they went.

I suppose I may not see her for a while…but I can go back and see him. From what I understand, he actually won’t be playing there for a few weeks. That’s what I overheard yesterday so I guess I can look for him some time later on.


Well, neither were really lost, but in case you didn’t see the removal of the notice, MP3 Of The Moment is now back up and running.  We’re going to to try and keep it that way; myself on the front end, my dearie on the back end.

Another thing that I “found” that wasn’t really lost was something kind of fun.  I was rummaging around looking for something else last night and I found a travel diary that I had used for a few trips over the years.

I’ve travelled to several places but I haven’t always used a diary.  This is one of two that I have in my possession, though.  The earliest date goes back to 1998.  I was 28 years old.  I went to Antigua.

Boy, was it strange to read the entries.  I was only there for a week. Of course, I had some memories of the trip but in reading (and re-reading–even today!) I had to struggle to recollect what or who on earth I had written about.  However, very slowly, I think most of it came back at least in some kind of foggy haze.

So, yes.  As soon as I found it, I sat on the floor, eating my dinner and reminisced a little bit.  I should try and dig out my photographs too but oh…where on earth are they?

I think the entries might provide some interesting(?) blog fodder.  Maybe? Or at least, they’ll keep me going for Blog365!


Before I begin, I’m reasonably sure that damewiggy might have something to say regarding post after she wrote this. Which I thought was wonderful, by the way.

I own a 5G 30GB (black, of course) that is not quite two years old.  I am now getting approximately five hours of battery life.  Apple says I should have originally gotten 14 hours of continuous playback of music.  Now, that is apparently without “touching” it.  You, I guess(?) can’t fast forward, use only playlists, no backlight…  Really? Don’t use it in the dark? You are to always use the “Hold” switch when it is not in use…what else? Oh, don’t monkey with the EQ…  As far as your music files, keep them at 128 Kbps, and larger songs? Divide them into tracks.  Now, that last one…give me a break! The second last? I have over 2500 songs in my library.  Can you imagine how long it would take me to convert them all to 128s?

And, you didn’t tell me all of this, or include it in any sort of “manual” when I got it, right? In fact…what manual?

It’s a no brainer that all rechargeable batteries “die” after a while, but crap! It hasn’t even been two years yet.  And I swear, I only got about eight to nine hours out of it when I first got it.  I really don’t think I got a bad battery.  I’m kind of wondering what’s going to happen with poor MacBook! Will its battery flop in less than two years as well?

So, I have a few options.  I can get a new battery–and apparently that means a new iPod through Apple? But, ex-partner didn’t buy it through Apple.  It does have a warranty, but I don’t know how it all would work.  However, I’m assuming it would go to Apple.

There is all sorts of banter about “screw Apple and their shite batteries” on the internet and get this one, get that one…  So, I could go to another computer place and get them to replace it? Lord knows, I couldn’t.  Do you know what my model looks like? Fort Knox.  I couldn’t take it apart to shove a new battery into it! Maybe that’s why Apple just gives you a new one.  They make trillions of dollars from selling so many anyway.

Or…I could buy a new one! Oh, PA…  How terrible are you with your addiction to gadgetry.  Combined with your laziness, and in this case, a combination of frustration along with.  But, there is an altruistic side to this choice.  I could give my old 5G to my sister (and her kids) to play with.  Although…that might lead to full blown riots, bloody battles and ultimate death as to who in the household gets to use it.  Still, I remember how envious she was when I told her ex-partner bought it for me as a birthday present.

*sigh*

It’s not critical at the moment, I suppose, but it has died on me at some “critical” moments.  I’ve had to remember to bring my USB cable to work (and remember to use it!) but if I don’t, my boss usually has his.  Or, I can start hauling MacBook around with me wherever I go, but really! I don’t use it for work etc… so that seems a little silly.

Alright, enough about that.  Let’s move on to my “cans.”  I’m so old.  I didn’t even know that’s what my larger headphones were called until not that long ago! I can’t wear earbuds.  My ears are too small so they either fall out or hurt.  I also like the larger headphones as I find they give better sound and in the winter, I call them “Functional Earmuffs.”

I bought a pair of low end Sennheisers not long ago after some quite cheap Panasonics gave up the ghost after many years.  Unfortunately, the pair I chose were not available to try out but a similar pair were.  Fine.  I am by no means an expert but I know enough about audio equipment.  Plug in to iPod…sounds good…let’s buy.  I mean, I’m just listening to MP3s!

Now the problem was, since I couldn’t open the packaging, I didn’t know that the cord was about 500ft. long (okay, I’m exaggerating but I think you understand.)  To accommodate for that, there was this stupid “belt clip” where you could wind up the excess for portability.  Good grief! When I wear it, espescially when sitting down, I can feel it digging into my hips and ribs!

But that’s not all…

The 500ft. cord has become completely tangled just below the headphones where they split off from each other, and then rejoin to make one single cord again.  I can not undo it! I keep having to move it, readjust it as it always twists up and around and rubs and tickles my neck! And not in a good way! ARGH!

But that’s not all…

The headphones no longer stay put where they move up and down when you would adjust them for one’s head size.  PA is tiny, so of course they have to be on the smallest notch.  Well, now they keep sliding down and that requires constantly pushing them back up all the time.

I need to buy new ones (along with my new iPod?) I could take my “low end” Sennheisers back to the “high end” store where I bought them and complain, but they probably wouldn’t care.

Oh yes, the model number is HD202–don’t buy them.


I posted earlier that my week at work wasn’t that bad. Well, by today at the end of the week I was proven wrong.

Hang on…Michael Nyman just ended on CD and I need to reload something else.

Aside: There’s a post I could link to (if I wasn’t so tired) where I wrote that I couldn’t write if there was music playing/if I was listening to music. That has changed slightly. Hmmm. I could write with no problem at all, and in fact, with flames under my ass when (hypo)manic with any type of music playing.

I’m not hypomanic now. Maybe my Biphenitin is just whipping me into shape *grin*

Okay…let me get some CD to finish this sad, brief post.

OMG. It took me forever to find a suitable CD. Well, at this time EST (aka deadline) I still have one hour and 15 minutes to finish this post. And I’m not going to to tell you the CD I selected. Because it is actually one of my favourites and one of The Coolest Double CDs By Two Of The MOST Famous Remix/Masters Out There.

I’ll I give you a hint. K. D.

I’ll stream them…something that they’ve done on these discs, I promise. You won’t be disappointed. I mean not every track is a 100% winner but wow… I have loved this disc set for so long. It’s a “soft” (paper/cardboard) CD case too so…take care of it forever, PA!

Okay, so my week…early…always busy, and it was it a bit busier than normal perhaps, but today it just fucking exploded!

Which is fine. It’s not that I can’t handle my job. Not at all.

All it means is that I can’t make much of a blog post for you all to read…tonight, tomorrow (time zones…)

Yesterday? That would be for the time traveller bloggers.

Either way. I’m still meeting my deadline so I’ll see you all tomorrow after I’ve had some sleep… Let’s hope I’ll be able to post something better then.

Edit: And a special xo to someone… *wink*  …sleepy PA waves and sends love and now goes beddy-bye…but thinks…no, should eat…some…more…

Good grief.

Will someone adopt me?


I didn’t know if I was going to post this today but what the “H”eck?

Let’s all get a little maudlin and do some soul searching…or both?

I’ve never meant to hurt anyone. At least not intentionally. I’m sure a lot of us can say that. Maybe some people can say they’ve meant to hurt people. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have hurt people. I’ve ended relationships (although, the vast majority of the times I’ve been the “dumpee” rather than the “dumper.”) However, when I have ended those relationships, I tried to do it with as much gentleness as possible and absolute honesty as I knew that it would hurt the other person–having been dumped before!

I don’t raise my voice. In fact, I don’t even know if I can recall any “argument” that I’ve engaged in with anyone! If anything, I have discussed things if disagreements have arisen and if at all, my tone may become slightly more firm to establish my point or it may become a bit more shaky and “upset” sounding if I feel I am not being understood.

If someone yells at me, I will probably cry if I really care about them or I may remain frozen like a statue if I am (more) emotionally detached from them.

Contrary to the above, I have been told that I did raise my voice once in profanity, however. Apparently as a young adolescent, I yelled at non-bio dad, “Fuck off!” Oh, really? I have no memory of this.

Physical violence? Alright. Yes. Now, of course, I am not proud of it at all! PA is not violent so you must not be frightened or misled by this! It still makes me feel terrible.

I was six years old. I was mercilessly teased and/or harassed by a classmate (as much as another six year-old can harass one of the same age, I suppose.) He was at it again, chasing me around the playground as I tried to ignore him and I finally stopped walking away from him. I turned and faced him and looked at him dead on.

I actually flew into a rage. I have never flown into a rage like that before in my life. Really, I’ve only ever gotten a bit “rage-y” when I’ve been stupidly drunk and tried to self harm by punching things. But that’s for later.

I drew my arm back, made a fist, hauled off and nailed him right in the stomach. I knocked him completely off his feet and he just went flying. Screaming and tears all over the place! Teachers come running! What was the fuss?

The exact second after I did it, I thought I was going to throw up. I just wanted to die! I was so full of remorse…I didn’t even know what happened… I’m quite sure I was standing there, possibly shaking and definitely in shock. You have to remember that wee PA was extremely sensitive and cried over everything. She never fought with anyone. The teachers were perhaps quite aware of it all. This boy was a troublemaker. I didn’t get in trouble.

I’m trying to think, who else have I hurt? Again, unintentionally as I certainly can’t think of any intentional act that I have done. Well, perhaps other than that wallop above. I didn’t really mean to do that, though! It’s not like I went after him thinking, ‘that’s it…you’ve gone too far you little bastard!’

So, I’ve covered ex-partners, a bully (and I never, ever stood up to or retaliated in response to all the future bullies.) Friends? No way! I’ve already stated over and over again how important my friendships are to me. A stranger walking down the street? Well, certainly not intentionally there! If so, I definitely wouldn’t know, either. Colleagues? I don’t think so. Respect in the workplace is paramount. Is that it? Am I missing anyone?

Ah…other bloggers! Everyone out there reading me! Yes, certainly where I tread and read as well and comment…and by extension, who reads my comments. That’s a tricky one as the blogosphere is well…the entire internet! It’s basically the entire world! Anyone with a computer! ACK! Alright, same rule applies: I try to be respectful and decent and try not to do any damage to anyone intentionally! As far as my own blog…well, at least what I publish is my own blather so I hope that doesn’t hurt anyone…

Authorial Ownership? I don’t censor myself. My personal posts (about my life) I don’t think should “hurt” anyone–it’s my life! And if I’m all rambly and if there are issues about “questionable content,” well I’ve never written anything that could be construed as racist or libelous or anything like that. Some people may have “opinions” but I hope they haven’t been “hurt.” I also feel that I have responded favourably to people that have not shared similar views to mine, as well. Yes.

Regardless, I would sincerely like to apologize (if I haven’t already) to anyone out there (whether you are reading or not!) if I have hurt you. It was not intended…really.

Oh, the “later” part as I mentioned above. I am far more likely to hurt myself than other people. Whether it’s been through actual physical self harm or an emotional form. This is/has been an ongoing theme in my life since birth but I am…trying to…this is difficult…could it be another post entirely? Let me “simply” say this.

How on earth do you try to undo what you’ve done all your life?! Slowly?

So, for anyone else out there who is game, want to share your “people” and your five Ws and the H? Or any portions thereof?


“Burning The Candle At Both Ends?”

I apologize. I’m throwing another expression/idiom at you as I did just yesterday. But this one is fitting for the post, really.

I mentioned how tired I was yesterday, as well. Oh, dear…twice on public transit, I lost my balance and almost fell down! I don’t think I have ever felt this physically exhausted ever (well, unless sick, of course.) And by that I mean some kind of infection. I’m not sick. And further, I don’t think I’m…sick.

Maybe I’m not eating enough? Well, eternal story there. Am I thinking too much…things on my mind? Well! Eternal story there!

Alright. I guess I need to eat more and think less, then. Oh…let’s take a vote on that one and see which will be the easiest to accomplish!

So, the candle. Am I burning it at both ends? Well, work isn’t overly demanding normally and hasn’t been any busier than it usually is. I’m hardly “Susie Homemaker” with a family of n that I need to rush home to take care of on top of my full day at work.

No, I think my candle may be a bit different? I think it’s the wick. It’s just too short. The problem is, when I light it, the flame barely stays aglow and well…it really does a better job of melting the wax! It’s not so bad, I suppose. A least it’s a dripless candle. Or so the box said it was.

I’m kind of tempted to throw it out, though. Bum candle. Probably not a good idea, however. Even if it’s not giving me a lot of light, I need all I can get to help me figure out where I’m going *laughing* A flashlight could be a definite option but knowing me, I’d never remember to keep spare batteries on hand. Solar flashlight?

Anyway, I’ve got to find a way to slow things down a bit, I think. I don’t know. Something feels out of whack, though…my body’s too tired…my brain is too… Perhaps I could race home as fast as possible, do nothing else after work and go to sleep as soon as I get in the door. To save more time, take my meds while I’m still at work!

“Go To Bed! Go Directly To Bed! Do Not Pass Go! Do Not Collect $200!”

Well, if that is what it takes…even for a few days? That’s just nuts, though *rolls eyes*

Okay…gotta split. This is such a brief post but it’s taken me forever to get it out. I’m going to go try and eat more now and maybe pass out.