How Low Does A Rock Have To Sink Before It Reaches The Bottom?


I stayed home again sick today. Yes, my stomach is upset and was in knots when I woke up. It’s still a little off but what really is off is my head. Yes? Well, maybe? Not really? I don’t know. All I do know is that when I woke up this morning, between the two of them, I certainly wasn’t fit for work. So, let’s call it both a mental and physical health day.

I had to go back and read this post. I am not getting it together. Alright, some days I feel like I am and some days I do not? Holy shit, am I confused.

Now, I know I have a lot to work on. I have said this before. And it’s only eight days after New Year’s and all the crazy talk about “Resolutions” and “Goals” to be set. Screw that. That is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about my life! The bigger picture!

Fuck. That sounds so stupid. What am I, some kind of motivational speaker? My life is my life–or certain aspects of it are as they are. Those can not be changed. I can’t change my past. I can’t change my future–I have no control over that. It’s only my present. Well, perhaps certain changes in my present might influence my future but I really don’t want to get into some kind of philosophical or metaphysical debate right now.

But I will say this: Probably not much of my future will be altered because the future is too unpredictable and things can change just like that *PA snaps fingers*

I woke up this morning, laid under the duvet in a little ball for a while and fought with great strength not to do a cutting.

H

O

L

Y

F

U

C

K

I dragged my ass out of bed, took my (save me the fucking hell now) meds and said, “PA, give your bloody head a shake! That is not an answer! That is not THE answer!”

Now, that is completely unacceptable and outrageous! I mean no offense to the other cutters and self harmers out there as I know how difficult an issue it is but it is completely unacceptable and outrageous for me. I want to be done with that. No more. Not again.

I thought about what I wrote last night…about being troubled regarding some other bloggers that are struggling with some issues as I am as well. That got me thinking about this post written by Gabriel… at …salted lithium. I may be contributing to it by writing this?

It’s quite long as it garnered a fair bit of discussion (32 comments) but it’s a good read. If you don’t have a look (sorry, I’m paraphrasing Gabriel…) it poses the question: Does reading other Bipolar/Manic Depression blogs cause us, within our blogging community, to be affected in any way regarding our illness? Examples given were when people disappear (by shutting down blogs or not responding) posting upsetting/triggery messages, the constancy of posting about the illness. By reading each others’ blogs, what kind of connections do we form with each other? How does that impact us all and what role does that play?

I had a look at what I wrote in the comment section (although I remember the gist of Gabriel…’s and my exchange) and thought about some of the things I read yesterday. Could they have impacted me in any way that might explain why my rope seems to be unravelling by certainly a few more strands today?

The post really got me thinking when he wrote it. Actually, it was driving me quite “nuts” as I put it in one of my multiple comments in the thread. At one point, I said that I was fine with reading peoples’ posts and they really didn’t affect me or upset me. I said that I didn’t find them triggery at all. But I also said that I might if, perhaps, I was a bit (more) unstable? Gabriel… called me on the italicized sentence.

*PA ponders*

He may have a point? Or maybe I was feeling a bit better then? Or maybe I was in denial? Or all three? Again, who the hell knows as from one day to the next it feels like things are on the right path and then everything seems to go wonky in my head. However, I’m not going to necessarily stop reading peoples’ blogs if I’m ever feeling shitty. It keeps me distracted from my shittiness.

So, although I have been working hard at trying to make some improvements in my life and sort things out…as the title of this post begs the question… Where the fuck am I?

I’m not trying to be hard on myself, people. Trust me, I do enough self-flagellation as it is. I’m afraid if I go down that route, then I know I’ll be digging my own grave for sure. Instead of physical self harm it will be a form of mental or psychological self harm. I am in enough of a mental quagmire right now. I don’t need to add insult to injury by beating myself up for being confused, feeling lost, afraid I’ll never find the answers I seek to the questions I ask–although I do know that some things really are hidden territory and virtually unknowable to us. God, even just typing that last part has me practically paralyzed and unable to move.

I’m trying to face reality. I’m trying to gain clarity. I mean, I’ve been blogging about my issues of late (or some of them.) I’ve been doing some writing personally to try and sort things out. But it’s not enough! I need to move into action. Fucking “Paralyzed PA!”

Come.On.Brain.

So, I’m not a happy, round, flat, little, perfectly shaped one. The type that, with an agile flick of your wrist, you can just skip across a placid lake. No, I’m a heavy one with sharp points that’s been flung into the crashing tide that’s drifting way the hell out to sea.

Come on, PA. Convince yourself: Do Or Die.

Again, sorry Gabriel… if this adds to the post I linked to but with Blog365 it should eventually “move on.” Here’s to me doing the same?

Sarah McLachlan – Fallen


  1. Blinking Gabriel being all sensible eh?

    I think you need to remember that when you post something then it is no longer really yours. Posting what I post may affect others but the post is just writing. However I try to mindful that my blog is a dialogue – I have spoken on the phone with one person I met through it, talk on IM with a few folk, email back and forth with some more and then there are blog comments. Writing a post has helped me some but it is the dialogue after that has got me moving.

    My relationship with the only girl I have loved ended because we put the stops on it being a dialogue. I used to think it was because neither or us loved ourselves enough (we were both in a deep depression) but a similar situation with a friend made me see otherwise. We both were more concerned for the other’s welfare, so even when one of us slipped and said things were crap we’d try and shut the other out in case they got hurt – it wasn’t a healthy relationship. To bring this back to blogging – if you stop writing because of how it may affect the other person then it isn’t going to help at all, if you feel like your writing isn’t moving you forward then the dialogue is only you.

    Gabriel – that overly insightful rat-bastard – pointed out your blog is not for other people to get help from, it is where you get yours. The dialogue is there and it is the dialogue that will get you moving.

    Alternatively – start seeing a therapist, you do have to pay them but they can have a better idea how to help sort things out. Lastly, Gabe – I love you really dude.

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  2. It goes both ways with me… Other peoples’ posts can build me up or break me down depending on my mindset at the time I read them.

    If we are searching out others writing as a form of self help, I think we are screwed. Personally, I read many others’ words so that I feel like I am not alone in my ‘crazies’.
    (no, I am not claiming that everyone is as loony as I.)

    It is just that a certain amount of bonding is nice. I don’t reach out to others in the ‘real’ world. So, it is comforting to develop a relationship of sorts with others who might have a clue as to what I am dealing with.

    I do hope you are feeling better… both physically and mentally today.

    Ps. I love that song!

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  3. Hi exactscience, interesting thoughts about when you post something and “it is no longer really yours.” I’m not sure if I either understand that or agree. I mean, I still feel that what I write here is “mine.” They are my thoughts, my feelings and ideas etc… Does it matter if they are made public or if they stay private…perhaps, in a journal tucked away in my dresser drawer? It could be the exact same thing I’ve written, correct?

    I don’t know if my blog is a “dialogue” or not–well, not at all times. I mean, obviously people are reading it but when I receive no responses there is no dialogue.

    Okay…I guess in the grand scheme it is sort of an “open dialogue.” Wow…I can’t even think of some analogy. I don’t know…maybe only like dame’s when she said ripping the telephone cords out of the wall and throwing the damn phone out the window.

    So, my phone is plugged in? But with a phone…well, shit…I guess I’m calling the universe by blogging?

    Blogging still is such a screwy concept for me and it probably always will be. I like writing about “stuff,” I guess. All sorts. I do appreciate whatever feedback I get–and sometimes I’ve gotten feedback that has made me almost cry–in a good way! I think we can learn a lot from blogs and their writers. Along the way, maybe…hopefully we can help people. That’s always a good thing. Sure, we might make some friends.

    I also agree that you shouldn’t write because you feel you might affect someone else. That’s basically “writing for an/your audience”–but with a twist. You’re doing it in a negative way and censoring yourself. I’ve always been a firm believer in writing whatever you feel like on your blog. It’s your space. As long as you’re not flaming the hell out of someone or anything! I mean, let’s be realistic.

    If your writing isn’t moving forward? Well, maybe you’re just stuck? Tired? Need a break from your blog? I don’t know if it always has to “move forward” either. I mean, sometimes you might be just blah, blah, blah on your blog and that’s fine too. Like I said above, write whatever you want?

    Crap, when and if you feel like, just YouTube everyone to death. Who cares? I’ve never really taken my blog all that seriously and I suppose it’s only been in times of really, bad emotional hell when it’s caused me some sort of “confusion.” But I’ve never considered taking it down. Just wondered what the hell I was doing with it because I didn’t think I was “producing.”

    But that’s my point. You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to progress or move forward. Blogging should be enjoyable.

    That’s tough about your relationship. I’ve never been in a relationship where I’ve been so afraid of hurting someone I’ve shut them out. But I’ve been shut out before. It sucks. Sometimes, I’ve never really understood why but…well, I guess that’s the way it works sometimes. It hurts but when you have no control over someone else’s actions or decisions, what are you to do?

    Oh yes, about the therapy, too. I am working on some form of that with Merlin #1. It is hard. I am very “therapy resistant.” I don’t do well in it. I don’t know how the hell to do it! I just don’t know what to talk about. But at least I’m trying.

    Feh.

    Hi only4now, I tend to agree with you that if we are looking at peoples’ blogs as a form of self-help then that is not good.

    I like to read other peoples’ “crazy” blogs as well to read their opinions, hear what they have to say and if they are open enough about it, read about their experiences with mental illness as well.

    As you or anyone else may know I’m a real advocate, stigma buster etc… so I’m quite keen on bringing this all out of the closet. So I’m quite ready to be there to offer support for those that are open–well, shit, I’m there to offer support for any/everyone I read as well as I can.

    And believe me, “loony” is a very relative term. We’re all fucking loony. No ifs, ands or buts. Loony, loony, loony…

    I’m kind of lacking in my real world connections too. I always have been so…I don’t really know what to say. I don’t want to say that the blogosphere has become any kind of replacement for that. I think to do that would be a very dangerous thing. I mean, what are you going to do? Sit away and just fiddle on your computer all the time and look for support from someone you don’t even know? Or know from their writing?

    Or even if you do get to know them off blog…well, it can still be very difficult. What if you really hit it off but they live…I don’t know…really far away? Well, that can be a real bitch. Sure you could meet every once in a while. But really, it’s just an email connection, perhaps? Well, telephone too if you can afford the bills.

    Maintaining that kind of relationship–because you’ve now taken the virtual and made it reality–well, it takes a lot of hard work. Combine the fact that you might end up doing it with another complete “loony” such as yourself or myself or whomever and it might be total chaos and mass destruction!

    Not to be a downer for perhaps those that may have done it out there…I don’t fucking know as I’m not the “Gossip Queen Of The Loonyland Blogosphere.” And as an aside: I don’t want to be! Good grief! Not that PA can’t hold your secrets and issues in confidence if you tell her them yourself but she is NOT interested in gossip!

    But where I was going is that I have seen it happen. I have seen it when people form these online relationships, then take it offline and make it “real” and interpersonal and…well, sometimes they have held and other times? Oh, wow… I can not even BELIEVE what happened in one situation that I know of…

    It was absolutely…I can’t even describe how completely freakin’ mentally and “loony” out of control it got…

    I’m feeling…physically? You know. I don’t know what is going on with my tummy. GRRRR. Mentally? I’m trying to feel a bit more centred and grounded. You might get that from my last post.

    I actually feel like I’m hungover today. It might be a combination of my tummy and so much mental energy I am putting into things in order to get straightened out.

    And yes, Sarah’s great.

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  4. tracy

    Dear PA,
    wow. i don’t even know what to say. you write about everything so eloquently and me, i just ramble on and read your work and wish i could express my self the way you do. your writing always affects me, because somehow you always seem to know how to write just about exactly what i am feeling……i hope you are doing better. me? yep, i have “Fallen”, in many ways, ‘specially yesterday, with the cutting…it wasn’t b a d, bad, still, it was cutting…damn. loved the video and song.
    love, tracy

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  5. tracy

    ps i lack in “real world” connections too. fancy that. good (?) news is, i get to see cute Dr. Resident today…t.

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  6. To explain what I meant about it not being yours is that after you externalise your thoughts to a psych or the blogosphere or whatever then you are allowing the other person room to interpret them.

    The is an aspect of authorial intent, perhaps more so than art, but still the way you say it and how we hear it may be different.

    Here is a good point. During his lecture tour Kevin Smith was asked by a lesbian if he thought that argument all a lesbian needs is a good big cock to turn them should have been included in the movie as it is an offensive argument. Smith told her that he included it because it is a commonly held view albeit by dullards which is why it was said by the dumbest character in the flick, to discredit it. Smith had included the arguement to show how asinine it is, is it his fault some people don’t pick up on that?

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  7. Hi tracy, wow…thank you for the compliment about my writing. Sometimes I really don’t feel so “eloquent.” That means a lot to me. It also means a lot that you can identify with what I say…although that is a toughie as sometimes (well, a lot of times) it is very hard to experience the difficulties that we have to face.

    Yes, I am doing better. I am tired today, though! By the end of the week, Fridays leave me bushed. I’ve always been like that, though. Even as a kid when young at school, when older, everyone would want to go out and party. I would just want to go home (until the Bipolar hit hehe.)

    I think we all have “Fallen” in many ways but we need to remember to try very hard to forgive ourselves for it and not dwell. It is hard when you are still depressed but once you start to feel a lift, realize that it is just another “blip” on our crappy illness radar and move on. It’s part of the healing process and is necessary.

    It may be difficult to digest when you are still feeling like shit. You can’t see that you will feel better. I always (and still do) dislike it so much when people speak to me in positive ways when I feel very depressed. You don’t believe that you will ever feel better. These words are better heard when you do feel better and are a bit more stable.

    I’m sorry you did a cutting. Again, try and forgive yourself for something that is very difficult to battle. If you can, just keep trying to work on fighting it.

    And good that you’re getting to see “Cute Resident” today. Oh, that makes me laugh. You’re such a bad girl! I’m just kidding. Remember…I had a “thing” for “Attractive Rec. Therapist” during my awful Outpatient Program after getting out of hospital. I swear, I think getting to see her was the only reason I kept up with it! HA!

    Hi exactscience, okay, I think I get it. However, I think it’s sort of a two-way street. It’s like the writing (and thereby thoughts) are still yours but can be (or become) someone else’s? I mean, you don’t lose them altogether, right?

    And my example would be citing tracy’s comment above. What I write, she has identified with in a certain manner. Or even you? We are having a discussion about this topic and we are interpreting it in certain ways ourselves.

    Does that make sense?

    I’m not trying to cause trouble *laughing* And yes, I SO hate it when men say that to me–even if it’s in jest! It makes me want to say:

    a) So, are you telling me that you have such a small cock that you have to compensate by saying something like that?

    b) I haven’t quite studied up on it or maybe they haven’t found a missing link but are you some kind of primitive being that missed out on receiving both a brain and a cock when they were handing then out?

    c) Maybe I should haul out a strap-on with a really huge cock and see if I can turn you into a lesbian…how’d you like that?…but that usually leads to the good ol’ “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body” *cringe*

    or

    d) FUCK OFF!

    Actually, I just made up the first three on the spot, right now. I usually just opt for d).

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  8. You are entirely right. It is all about interpretation. There are somethings in art that end up belong to the viewer rather than the artists- check out some of the backlash surrounding the ‘one more day’ spiderman arc. This doesn’t really happen when you are a writer writing about the stuff in your head but the interpretation stuff totally does.
    I think Robin Williams said it best. God gave man a brain and a cock but enough blood to run one at a time.

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  9. You know exactscience, it’s kind of interesting that we’re having this conversation right now. I was just reading a book (or a portion…it’s kind of big) on the weekend that mentioned something about interpretation of art vs. writing and a bit of a difference in how things were perceived by the “viewer” of art as opposed to the “reader” of text.

    But I think it was more about the “power” of the art and the “way” it was perceived and the impact–not so much the possession factor.

    But this is all very interesting to ponder.

    Perhaps the above is because it is a visual thing. That is a different type of perception. I don’t know. The book wasn’t heading off in that direction–that’s not what it was or is about. It was just a mention and it was only in the introduction or something.

    The written word is different. Yes, it may evoke images but it’s not the same thing as something staring you right in the face. Or you staring at it’s “face.” Or whatever.

    I’ve never really been one for Robin Williams but that’s a good quote.

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  10. It is so freaking weird seeing my name on someone else’s blog… I have become a Reference.

    “self help” = finding like minded freaks. With the Recovery thing we have three main sources for information: our doctor, who will probably not tell us anything unless asked a direct question which would mean knowing what to ask; the Internet, which would mean knowing which sites aren’t run by Sci3ntologists and what to plug into Google, and; friends and family, all of whom are retarded.

    I brought this up with my doctor last week… he doesn’t surf so I was explaining some of the positive and negative forces we face online. Every once in awhile I’ll find a blog kept by someone with manic depression and the only people who have responded to their posts are anti-meds and anti-shrink… and Surprise they have blogs of their own filled with posts about the Evils of shrinkage and pills for the blogger to look at.

    There are people in here who get influenced by people looking to make a political or religious point… there are others who get influenced by what they read, but in different ways. Not necessarily by the tempo and tone of the posts they read, but by the responses and the information they gather from Other Blogs.

    We read about Others and their Recovery long enough and we can see what’s working or Not working for Them. When it comes to influence we rely on our doctor’s to tell us Things, and for family and friends to let Us know about our behaviours but, mostly, they all Suck huge at what they’re Supposed to do. So if someone like Exact Science says to PatAnon “this Really worked for me, you should ask your doctor about it” chances are PatAnon is going to at least Google It and possibly ask her doctor about It.

    I think this is closer to what I was trying to say in the Post you’re quoting than the actual post Itself.*

    *some or all of this may be made into a Salted post…

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  11. Hey Gabriel…, I was wondering if you’d show up for this one considering the Ping Back. I know, I find it sometimes kind of interesting when I get a Ping Back too. Actually, flattering I guess that someone out there thinks what I’ve said is at least interesting and worth reading?

    I think the “craziest” was that “Rip Apart The Topamax/Topiramate Study For Alcoholism” one. You liked it.

    Oh, you do make me laugh. …sites aren’t run by Sci3s and friends and family that are retarded.

    That’s kind of scary that someone would only have comments that are anti-med and anti-shrink, as you say. I mean, one pops to mind but I don’t know…

    I’ve had one or maybe two who may have “anti-med’d” me. I just politely say, thank you, I respect your stance and the rest of my typical response which is honest. PA’s always honest.

    Interesting what you are saying. I think I may have taken it in the tempo/tone way as opposed to the informational way. Yes.

    Well, I do still like to hear about personal stories and experiences and how people are doing, what they are doing. I don’t know how influenced I may be by a med that another blogger is taking though, personally. I mean, you know me and my damn meds! Yap, yap, yap… But I get the example.

    I try to be as responsible as I can when writing about things like that. And…well, everything? I try to say that these things have worked for me, everyone is different, may not fit for you… But yes, people may still be influenced.

    Thanks.

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