Archive for January 11th, 2008

EDIT: When I started this, I thought it would be a humourous post but it totally went off in another direction–a bit of an expose into PAs (former) sex life…

Well, then. Let’s see if my blog stats or search rankings go up with this one, eh?

Boy am I’m tired today (must have been all that sex with Hugh–he’s pretty insatiable you know.)

Actually, it was a dream. No kidding, right? Oddly enough, it’s the second dream I’ve had over the last several months regarding sex and Hugh Laurie. And both times, he wanted to have sex with me. It’s just that in this latter one, we did have sex. I actually blogged about the first dream but I didn’t say much and there’s a whole lot of other stuff in the post so it’s not worth a link.

But really. Is that not completely ridiculous in the ego department? Hugh Laurie, “Mr. Amazingly, Gifted Artist Who Could Probably Have Sex With Any Woman Of His Choosing Including His Wife” wanted to have sex with PA! Oh, come on! Well, it was a “dream,” after all.

And something also rather strange. I’ve had two other recent dreams where I’ve had sex with men. Huh. And as I’ve often written on this blog, I don’t remember my dreams very well at all. Well, maybe these ones might stand out in my mind? Also, if you’re new to my blog and if you don’t understand why me dreaming about having sex with men might seem a little “off,” it’s because I’m gay. And a woman.

But really, it’s not that “off,” or weird, or strange, or whatever? I mean, dreams can be weird or strange by nature, correct? I just find it interesting that all of the sudden I seem to be dreaming about having sex with men somewhat frequently *laughing* I mean, I certainly have no desire to do so!

I have had sex with men before, however. I know (or have met) some women who never have and their first experiences were with women. From that point forward, they knew they were gay/lesbian…whatever. I didn’t have a clue until I was in my early 20s. To me, it doesn’t matter. To me, it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, bisexual…(although, I don’t really like using labels.) However, sometimes me must make distinctions to be clear to certain people and “drive the point home?”

So yes, I’ve had sexual experiences with men. I’ve even had “relationships.” Not that many, I suppose, as I was never popular. Self-conscious and so unsure. Actually, quite socially inept and pretty “clueless” about my peers, myself…just everything! God, sometimes I still feel that way!

When younger, the few sexual experiences I had just “happened.” Like, before I knew it, I was having sex or something. It’s hard to explain. Christ, now that I try to remember, it was almost like some…Mack Truck just hit me and then I was dissociating or…I don’t know. And then it was done (I mean teenage boys usually don’t take long, right?)

Sure, because teenagers are young, they don’t know what the hell they are doing and have no concept of relationships, love, sexuality, pleasure (well…maybe some basic elements but not as much as adults develop as they grow older.) Well, hopefully adults actually develop these things. Maybe others remain in that juvenile mindset *rolls eyes*

Wow, though. I was in fucking la-la-land.

But yes, being so alienated and “socially inept,” not understanding how to relate to others, I didn’t “get” what this boyfriend-girlfriend thing was about. And sex just sort of followed after that. I actually was so out of touch with myself, I basically had no concept of my own body. Although this term came to exist later on in life, you probably could have deemed me “asexual.”

As an adult, well, it just seemed the natural thing to do–find some guy, get married, have kids and the whole bit. Although, I’ve never really wanted children. Had I gotten married and my husband wanted kids, that might have been an issue. I had one serious boyfriend for about three years and he was great. But it didn’t last. We tried to maintain a long distance relationship while I was in uni. He found someone else; I found my sexuality!

Oh, and backtracking a bit about finding sexuality. I did have a brief “boyfriend” in high school who broke up with me on Christmas Eve because he was gay. How’s that for irony?

I still continued to sleep with men after I “came out,” though. This confuses people greatly whenever I talk about it. They often proclaim in their ultimate wisdom (and further, I thus feel they negate my own existence as a person and knowledge of it) “Well, you must be/are bisexual then!” I tell them that no, I am not. I am gay. *sigh*

If we must delve further into the issue, I did not have sex or “fool around” with men after I came out for pleasure, it was for pain–and no, not the BDSM kind. Or at least, not the physical BDSM kind.

In my early 20s the Bipolar hit with great, ravenous force. Indeed, hypersexuality was one of my strongest symptoms when I was (hypo)manic but not being drawn to men, that wasn’t why I wanted to have anything to do with them sexually. No, I wanted to be with women. But if anything happened to go wrong with a woman in my life, if I was spurned, if there was any sort of twisted entanglement where I was really getting done over emotionally, I’d go fuck a man. Or do something with a man. And why? Because it went exactly against the core being of who I was. And that hurt.

So in a very warped and twisted way, I became my own Dominatrix and submissive at the same time. And we never discussed The Rules beforehand. We never came up with a safe word. In fact, we broke the Cardinal Rule of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” and worst of all, The Dominatrix left her submissive all alone, completely in a vulnerable position and did not watch over her to ensure her safety.

Well, thank fucking Zeus those days are over! Let’s all scream a huge Hallelujah!

I guess if nothing more I might just have weird dreams about having sex with men? That’s fine. That I can handle.