Archive for February 10th, 2008

Holy shit. This is post number five for Blog365…today.

So far, the only person keeping up with me is Symbiosis, bless her soul. I think all the bloggers that have me on their sidebars, that scroll my posts, must be saying, “PA, WTF?!”

Anyone else who is RSS’ing me? They are probably saying, either:

“PA, WTF?!”


“PA, your blog is a piece of shite.”


“PA, your blog sucks ultimate ass. You are off my RSS!”

So, my MRI. I forgot to mention this as I never followed up, and I only had some comment chat with Experimental Chimp (or Chimpy as I love to call him *grin*). But you can’t call him that. PA calling Experimental Chimp “Chimpy”© is under exclusive rights.

When I was in the tubage, all the bang, bang and clang, clang caused me to twitch a bit. Not every different sound and every time, however. If you’ve ever had a head MRI (or even an other body part?) the scans are all different so the sounds are as well.

I didn’t get “twitchy,” before with my last one.

It was mostly in my face, a bit around my eyes, and my mouth/jaws. And also my left leg. I was aware of it so I still tried to keep my head as still as possible throughout it all.

I wondered if it was all the Buckley’s I had taken but that…well? Could that be a possibility? My Buckley’s, as I had written before, had the “all natural” ingredients (I don’t like all the additives) so hmmm…why did I get twitchy?

The ingredients are Potassium Bicarbonate (no problem,) Ammonium Carbonate (no problem,) Menthol (no problem,) Camphor…oh! According to Wiki, the toxicology of camphor can cause seizures and “neuromuscular hyperactivity!” Oh dear…did I drink too much Buckley’s? Whatever… I do find it odd that somehow I reacted to the sounds of the MRI, whereas I didn’t before, however.

When I was done, I asked the tech if it was alright as I knew I was twitching. I asked him if he had caught the images and if they were clear enough. He said that they were fine. Okay. Crap. It was bad enough that I had to worry about stifling my cough throughout it all but then I started twitching with some of the scanning?

As I parted, I did make a joke at least and asked him if my brain smiled and said “Cheese, for the camera?” He laughed and sent me on my way. It’s important to be a “good patient,” if you can. It makes everything much easier.

When I left to get dressed, I saw a woman waiting in one of the rooms where we could all change. I grabbed my gear and because I was only shown that one, I didn’t know where to go. She asked me if I needed to get dressed and I said that I did. She moved on to another room a few feet away that I didn’t even know was there. Perhaps the door had been closed and someone else was occupying it.

She asked me if I was there for “headaches.” That obviously meant to me, that was the reason why she was there. She looked very nervous. I told her that no, my MRI was for seizures and it was my second.

“Oh…” she said quietly.

I smiled at her and said, “It’s alright. There’s nothing to worry about. It’s a little bit loud and it takes a bit of time but you’ll be fine. It’s a piece of cake!”

She smiled back at me shyly and I went to get dressed. By the time I was done she was in, having her scan. I’m sure she made out fine.

Building all of the CDs (or at least playlists) for my sister reminds me of being such a loser at parties. This song comes immediately to mind as I would be so anti-social when I was a younger.

Not on purpose. I was just a spaz. So I would hang out a lot in the kitchen. If that was too much, I’d end up in a corner.  Actually, I can’t remember which might have come first.  No matter.  I would also go outside if there were a lot of people everywhere and the weather was alright.

OR! With the permission of the host, I’d play DJ and spin the tunes for everyone. That way, I definitely wouldn’t have to talk to anyone and just keep myself immersed in the music.

Here’s an ode to PA at parties…such a silly song.

Jona Lewie – “You’ll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Parties”

Number four today for Blog365…I think I’m starting to become delirious…

Now before I get all the Professionals jumping on me, and saying, “Hang on PA, where are you going with this?” I do have a point.

When you are in therapy, or even if you speak to any medical professional, psychologist, social worker etc… everything gets documented. Although we like to think that our records are confidential, they may not be or become so.

For example, although this wasn’t really a case of non-confidentiality as it was discussed with me, the entire “record shuffling” process eventually led me to find out that non-bio dad was…well, not my biological father. As painful as that was to learn, it was a good thing to find out. I am very glad to know who is, in fact, my biological father. Had that not been “disclosed” to me, I never would have known. Possibly ever.

There is a downside to disclosure of your records and what you share with your practitioners. I will only say this once (and I can’t believe I am but I am tired, vulnerable, and it is applicable to this post.)

I was a victim of “inadvertent disclosure” by one of my doctors. It forced me to take legal action. Not against this doctor but against a third party. Thankfully, I “won” but it could have been a huge nightmare beyond what it already was, and honestly, I am surprised that it didn’t drive me completely over the edge and put me in hospital for yet another bloody time! I am still frightened to death of it all and it happening again.

A few people know of this.  It will not be written about on this blog beyond this point–again because of the legal ramifications.

We all have secrets. I even made a post asking if I should send something to PostSecret. Is that “enough” to help you deal with the issue? Or do you need to do more work on it to…”deal” with it?

What if there is something that you really want to talk about that you do not under any circumstances want written down or documented for others to see? Something that will forever be there for “the system” to have access to for the rest of your life? Even if it’s such a tough issue, can you get over it yourself? Can you get past it?

Even if you “write a letter” to the practitioner stating you do not want it documented, it doesn’t matter.  Whatever you say gets written down as the practitioner feels “it is your best interest.”

I am not saying that professionals are not “human” and are incapable of making mistakes, but I paid dearly.  I am also not saying that in these settings you should hold important things back.  No, you should be honest when you need care.  Without it, you will not be able to get well.  I’m just tossing the question out there.

Good lord, this is a record for Blog365 posts.  Three in one day.  I just don’t know what to do with myself so I keep writing.

I emailed Mac Guru on Thursday just to see how he was doing, give him a general update on my life etc… I also mentioned my odd CD burning issue. He’s terribly busy a lot of the time so I didn’t expect a response by Friday as to what the problem might be.

Actually, his family is falling (or has?) kind of fell apart. His mom has Schizophrenia and has completely declined. They (MacGuru and his father) had been trying to take care of her at home but just can’t anymore. The entire thing breaks my (and his) heart. He’s a few years older than me and was a late baby so his parents are considerably older. It makes me think of what my sister and I are going to do with my mother when she gets older. At least Mac Guru’s mom is medicated.

Mac Guru doesn’t have Schizophrenia but he has had problems with Depression. His father actually did too many, many years ago. Let’s hear it for the shallow end of the gene pool. Or maybe the deep end because you keep drowning in it so many times.


I “liberated” some, perhaps, higher quality CDs from work (I know…for shame, PA!) However, just a couple to try the existing playlists I had created for my sister. Yes, they are for her as I thought I’d mail her some little pressies. These CDs run at a high burn rate–or a variance–anywhere from 4x-48x. The others were just 4x. I don’t know if that makes a difference.

So I just burned the first one and it was FAST! It just took a few minutes. What speed is my Drive? I can’t remember.

*PA checks specs online*

Okay, it looks like CD-RW at 16x? Eh, I’m not burning up a storm. I’m playing it now and it’s working its way through everything on CD #1 just fine with no “bouncy, bouncy” and no scratchy sounds either. I just read my other post about it all. I tried to burn after my “I don’t even know if I did the repair right” and they didn’t work.


I really don’t know what to say. If this plays through correctly then I’ll try #2. If it doesn’t work I’ll pull all of my hair out until I am completely bald and (be tempted to) throw MacBook against the wall. I’m too sick to take it to the Apple store. Maybe it just needed a rest? We all get tired. Maybe I needed faster burning CDs? But the slower ones worked before!

Oh, who cares? As long as it works.

I love you MacBook. Don’t die on me!

I don’t know how long I’ll leave them there.  Again, I was going to post them anyway.  If I change them and/or they drop off:

  1. “The Chain” by Fleetwood Mac
  2. “I Don’t Believe In You” by Talk Talk
  3. “Friend Is A Four Letter Word” by Cake
  4. “Your Dictionary” by XTC

So everyone knows the first song, no doubt.  It’s great and…well, can you honestly pick a favourite from their album “Rumours?” It’s one of the greatest albums ever.

The second, by Talk Talk.  This is one of my favourite bands from the 80s.  That is saying something as that is the music I grew up with, and it was also a huge decade for…well…a “band explosion.”  This song is slower and more “depressing.”  Well, they all are! They’re freakin’ F.O.A.D. songs! This is from Talk Talk’s album “The Colour of Spring.”  It was considerably more “mellow” than previous work.

Ah, the third.  This song is brilliant in my opinion.  It’s a real F.O.A.D.-y song where you totally don’t what the hell happened.  No doubt, you got completely F.O.A.D-ed, but you are still looking for how the person “really feels about you.”  It’s like your F.O.A.D just swooped in, under the radar in “stealth mode,” and before you know it…WTF?!

Number four.  Oh, Andy Partridge is just so amazing.  This song is a little heavy…well, I think it is.  It’s, yes, a brutal F.O.A.D., however, there’s a bit of a dichotomy about perhaps being able to get over it and speak back? A bit of acceptance even though you’re in disbelief about it all.

I’m really not sure what else to say.  At least personally.  I’m still sick as a dog but I managed to drag myself out of bed this morning.  I don’t really want to lie in bed all day feeling like shit about things.  I don’t want to feel depressed about this (even though I suppose I do?) I can’t gauge my mood right now because I am so physically ill.  God, I was so out of it yesterday, I forgot to take my meds.  All I wanted to do was sleep (which is pretty much what I did as my body needed the rest.)

Don’t worry, I took my meds as soon as soon I got up this morning.  I’m not going to let my F.O.A.D. make me go completely mental and go off my meds, throw me back into hospital or anything like that! No, I suppose in retrospect, I have gotten F.O.A.D.s before.  I guess I would like to think that people can work things out.  Be more…I can’t even find a word…civil? Respectful? If there is an issue, or issues, then sort them out, and if you can’t then agree then go your separate ways? But don’t hide behind the veil of the F.O.A.D.!

Like I had mentioned previously, the only example I could think of was breaking up with exes and I ALWAYS did it honestly and respectfully.  I felt they deserved that.  Everyone does.  Well, I suppose not everyone thinks as PA does–I guess this person felt PA deserved a F.O.A.D.  Maybe I did?

I probably shouldn’t bother blogging about this anymore.  I guess what’s done is done.  No matter how much I don’t like it.  They say it takes two to tango.  There are two parties in any form of relationship.  I don’t think I deserved this, however.

I may have been un-F.O.A.D-ed in life before.  I’m too tired to remember.  PA doesn’t hold grudges so hey…if the person comes back, fine.  I can forgive.  I do.  I think that’s highly doubtful, but you never know.  I’m not hoping or expecting anything.  It’s better that way.  There’s been enough disappointment, already.

Maybe it is better this way all around? I don’t know.  I’m too confused.