Archive for April, 2008

My battery is starting (was? HAHAHAHA!) to go but wait? I had no flippy, floppy, freaky, whippy, dippy clue what was going to happen today so I packed my laptop bag with a bunch of stuff.  I mean, I even brought a few anime DVDs in case I was going to be stuck doing nothing.

But that just goes to show how PAs thinking is working (or not) these days.  Because she obviously had lots to do.  Still.  So, I just yanked out my three anime DVDs to dig out my POWER CORD!!! And for some odd reason, I’m sitting beside a power bar.  Okay, baby MacBook is now charging.  Shit, PA could now spend all night in the pub because the floaty wifi is still kickin’!

But staying here all night would not be good.  No.

What else is also funny is that because I packed my DVDs, I also tucked in my remote.  Okay, because I would have nothing to do at work I could use it to watch movies! PA you are so stupid.

Actually, one “unstupid” thought was to go across the street to a bar/restaurant where they do have “free” internet access (like I’m not getting it already because Macs are smart–at least where I live?) so maybe take a break, fuck around?

This is hilarious.  I mean, it’s a pub.  I’m not in some fancy pants internet cafe! But I’m a regular.  I can do whatever the fuck I want here.  I’ve sprawled out, all over the chairs with my iPod on and just baked out.  At times, my drink has been on the table before I’ve even sat down.

The only question now is…what do I do if I have to go to the bathroom? Or if I want to have a smoke? Undo everything? Pack it all back up, put baby MacBook to sleep and then haul everything out again? HA!

Okay, it’s the bladder vs. nicotine challenge!

Well, I made it through today.  Day one of “the funeral” as I called it in my analogy? I didn’t freak out or cry or anything. *PA bows/kneels to her Valium*  Not to mention I was just so busy! I mean…wow, the things that you can accumulate on a computer over time! And let’s not forget that for several years I did not have one at home.  So that meant I had to use my one at work for everything!

I tried to get through it all as best I could but by late in the afternoon I think I was starting to go blind.  And now here I sit typing up this? And guess where? HA! I’m out in a pub having a pint! Oooooohhhhh Nnnnnooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s not destroy new baby MacBook all over again!

It’s alright.  I’ve got it all set up properly.  I am as cocooned as I can possibly be.  NO ONE IS GETTING NEAR ME!!! And I’m certainly not going to spill my own drink on it.  I don’t care if I was so exhausted since I’d been up with no sleep for a month straight.  No way in hell.

So there is still more to do as far as my computer but one of my bosses took pity on me and just sent me home.  Come back tomorrow as I need to anyway and pack away all of my personal items.  Ugh.  That’s going to take a while too.  Throw everything in boxes and I will certainly have to take a taxi home.  There will be no way I will be able to take public transit home! Good lord.

I took a bit of a break here and there and popped down to one floor and said some “goodbyes.”  Again, Bless You Valium.  Weird.  Some people were shocked, some were sad, some seemed…oh, really…kind of like “ersatz friend.” Oh well.  Maybe they were having a bad day.  At least polite, little PA said goodbye as she liked them.  There are still so many more I’d like to say goodbye to.

So, I have to go back to hack away at things tomorrow.  I am kind of wondering if I won’t feel so “numb” then.  Yes, I have decided that numb is winning over knackered, although I am both.  When it is all completed…well…then I might feel…who knows what?

Hence my appt. with Merlin #1 on Monday.

And speaking of “feeling?” Or not feeling…? Or erm…? Hacking away at things? Oh, maybe that last one was too much…

A change in cutting patterns.  Yes, I’m just slipping this in at the end.  Things got a bit too stressy and out of control last night and so did I.  Ran a bath, grabbed “my knife” and did some small lacerations on my left thigh.  Nothing serious (I mean in “damage” but it’s a fucking cutting.)  Then I just laid back in the hot water…

This time was different, though.  After sitting and thinking, drinking (I can hear you Greybeard…) I actually planned it all out.  And it was my leg.  The body part? Well, maybe that is not such a big deal but this is the first time I have ever planned to cut.  It was not impulsive as they all have been before.  It was like, ‘okay…let’s finish my beer, go run the bath and do the cutting.  Let’s not make it that serious, of course.  I have to go into work to take care of things tomorrow!’


Okay, PA.  Try to keep it together…try to keep it together…

I went to see Merlin #1 today. I wanted to hug him. Is it permissible to hug your psychiatrist? Recall that my GP gently placed her hand on my back when I saw her and I looked like I was on death’s door when she guided me into the examining room to talk.

Anyway, I don’t think any of my medical team would mind if I hugged them. Certainly right now? Except neuro and I would never want to hug him anyway!

So we talked about the med adjustments of course. Then we got into my…erm…you see? I can’t even express… My “thinking ability?” My “cognitive processes?” Basically just how the fuck I was functioning in my head?!

Yeah. Good one, Merlin #1.

Let’s just say it ain’t that great. There is a reason for this. Well, apart from the obvious! But there is a more obvious reason why I am not thinking well. Tomorrow and probably the day after (as I really don’t know how long it will take) I have to clean up/out my computer at work and take home all of my personal items. What is a decent analogy? Someone has died, you are still grieving and now you have to go to the funeral?

I mean, tomorrow it is all over. I mean, that’s it. It’s done. Over. Goodbye. For the last little while, I have been at home, trying to “deal,” cycling, adjusting meds… Now I REALLY have to say goodbye.

So I puked it all out at our appt. today. Which was actually kind of good, I guess. PA is quite averse to “talk therapy.” She doesn’t do it well. So, perhaps, this might have opened a door? And Merlin #1 was so good. He said because of all the stress I would have to face this week we’re getting you straight in next Monday.

Bless. Again, may I hug you Merlin #1? My GP also wanted an immediate call after the appt. so I said let’s just do it while I’m here in case she wants to talk to both of us! She wasn’t available so he left a message and she can call him back. If she wants to check in with me, she knows where to find me.

Okay, on to the “REALLY Hot Women!” *laughing* I was walking to my appt. and I saw this woman (well, there were two of them) but one was wearing the most amazing stockings! They had these black rectangles and in between they were divided by what you would call “nude” in colour. Holy fuck! They were so wicked. But then…her shoes! OMG. Now, PA doesn’t have a shoe fetish like a lot of other women out there but these shoes…fucking sexy shoes!!! She had a coat on but I was like…what’s underneath that coat??? And then, it’s like, what’s underneath that?!?!?!

“Hi, Honey. Care to come home with me after my psychiatrist’s appointment?” *laughing so hard*

I cast her a little sideways glance as I walked past. Oh, PA…you fucking, incorrigible flirt! Maybe I should have told Merlin #1 that at least that degree of my thought processes were still functional?

The other woman that she was with was actually more attractive but had more “regular” stockings on. And more conservative shoes. Still…prettier.

“Want to come home, too?”

PA’s not into threesomes…no. But for these two women? An exception? Uh huh.

It kind of makes me think…maybe I should femme myself up again. I did a bit before. Years ago. I used to work with a woman and we had a bit of a fling. At the time I used to wear very short skirts and drop a lot pens and shit like that, bend over and such. It was kind of a joke since we were already fooling around but still.

No make up though. I don’t really like the feel of it on my face. PA has been told that she doesn’t need it. I guess that is a compliment? Regardless, now that I’m skinny as all hell, maybe I should get some short skirts, tight fitting clothes and yes…femme myself out to the hilt. What do you think?

*PA laughing so hard again*

And if I do…I’ve got to find those fucking stockings…they were so cool!

Oh…this might be too much but PA also prefers garter belts. Was that more than you needed to hear? They are sexier, yes, but also more comfortable!

OMG…I think those women just did something to me! No, between me going out of my mind, them being so fucking gorgeous, me…well, not really needing to get laid but me really needing to get a job??? FUCK.

Again, what do you think? Makeover? Totally femme myself out again? Better chances?

Oh my fucking god. I sound like I’m my own pimp. I wonder what my own take is? My per centage? I’m pretty sure I won’t beat the shit out of myself, though. *laughing*

I mentioned in my last comment to Greybeard that I’d write up something about my mental functioning or whatever today. This is because I was thinking that I had to make a Blog365 post and…? Well, I posted after midnight last night so I really don’t have to write this. Anyway, here goes nuttin’.

My brain is certainly doing better than it was before we made the med modifications–no doubt. However, I wonder if there might have been some low level cycling last night? I’m not sure. I do believe something was happening, however. Some things just didn’t feel right!

I texed someone and I won’t reveal what I said but the content was rather shocking (not oooh, PA…!….why, I am shocked!) No. It was shocking in a more personal way. It was representative of things I would do back during other phases in my life when not mentally stable and very unhappy. Very masochistic behaviour that on the surface, I could hide behind using some sort of veil of “control” but under it all, I was practically, repeatedly stabbing a dagger through my heart over and over again.

Why? Where? How did this thought come about? I’ll tell you: because what I’m going through is still fucking with my head. In a very unpleasant way. I think today will just be a relax/try not to feel like utter shite/Valium day. A try to get lost in movies day. Movies that will make me laugh? Movies that will make me cry? Oh, even the best of comedies would probably make me bawl my eyes out right now. Therefore, let’s get the Valium. I still might cry anyway. It’s not like the Valium turns me into a complete zombie or inhuman robot.

Oh, and without getting into detail regarding what the hell I was talking about above, if you’ve been reading this blog at certain points, you’ll get it. I just don’t want to write about it as I don’t feel particularly happy about it at the moment. Normally I would as this blog is open and it is not something I would hide–I didn’t hide it before. I apologise for being a bit cryptic.  However, if you are really clueless and dying to know, just ask and I will tell you.  I have no problem with that.  I just didn’t want to repeat it all in this post.

Don’t worry. It wasn’t something “unsafe” or “dangerous.” Well, just both of those emotionally for PA.

I shall start backward to begin. I came home and went to the bathroom and I heard a weird, ticking sort of sound. I do not have auditory hallucinations and it wasn’t raining outside. I stopped. Frozen. And waited.

Then the heat came on. I couldn’t hear! Then the fridge started running! I couldn’t hear!

I ran into all of the other rooms (haha, in my minute flat) to see if the sound/s were coming from somewhere else. No. Only in the bathroom. Finally, heat…fridge…everything went silent and back to the bathroom.

*PA listens*

…something?…but the cadence is different…absolutely…or maybe you had never even heard it before…?…that’s the trick…or can be…maybe…because now it’s different…so you don’t know what the fuck because you thought you heard something before that may have sounded like that, even though you have never heard something like that before in your life and when you get a chance to listen again?

Totally different.

I ran outside in my slippers to see if something was happening from the upstairs tenant’s flat. Again, I could hear something, “up there” but I couldn’t see anything.

I don’t know. Hallucinations were never part of my repertoire. I suppose that is not to say that they couldn’t become so in the future.

And fuck. This was just me coming home from my night. Some things are awry?

PA messed in head.

I don’t know if I’ll blog all about it or not tomorrow/later. I think I just need some sleep now, maybe some kind of rest if I can get it? This post is/was enough for now, I think.

So yes, trying to get around to contacting people. Mac Guru was good enough to email filmmaker. She called. He then emailed her after I went over the edge in my cycling frenzy. I didn’t hear from her then. She probably had nothing to say–or rather, maybe wasn’t quite sure what to say. I did my first overdose after driving home from her place in 1999. We had been fighting for a while and agreed to meet that night and managed to patch things up. Oh wow, what a volatile relationship we had over the years. Well, those years. Back then. She’s still crazy though and well, I am but at least I differ in that I have actually been diagnosed.

She did come to visit me though after the OD. With “ersatz friend” as I have now come to call him. We all knew each other. Part of the same little circle due to her film. There is another man I still know but because filmmaker is/was/can be brutal (and so much more back then making the film) she pissed him off so much that he simply can not stand her anymore.

Such a shame.

So I called “ersatz friend” too. He is the one where I so often keep in contact with, arrange to get together for dinner etc… but leave it up to him as his work requires him to travel so his schedule pretty much trumps mine. I wait for him to get back to me. He never does. And I was so out of it. I was trying to remember his email address. I completely forgot that I have his numbers on my mobile. Ugh. My brain is still not quite up to par?

The conversation was…well, I don’t know if it was odd or not. He seemed a bit distant? Sort of, ‘well, gee…that’s too bad…’ He didn’t really sound all that sympathetic. I often wonder if I put him through hell so many years ago. He was my “crisis man.” Whenever I OD’d, cut…I always called him. That is not a nice thing to do and those are not pleasant calls to receive. However, I was out of my mind and extremely ill. Not an excuse, mind you. Simply the reason. And then there was filmmaker. Compared to me? Oh, my lord. She really put him through the wringer. Talk about being demanding! He also fell in love with her.

I fell in love with her too. Ersatz friend? I think he may have fallen in love with me too. Yes…deep within my so muddled, murky memory I seem to remember him telling me so. Fuck me, Mac Guru even fell in love with me! Now that I do remember! It got a little messy but we worked it out. It can be very hard when you fall in love with people that can not return that love–that type of love. They can only be your friends and love you in that manner.

Wow! Can you believe all of that up there??? It’s a wonder any of our hearts managed to stay intact! Except filmmaker. She didn’t seem to give a shit about any one of us all falling all over each other–especially her. I don’t say that to be mean or spiteful, really. I would never say such things about someone! You just would have to know her to understand and I guess be there during those days.

And between all of the partying, drinking, drugs (not so much PA as she’s never been into drugs but she was flying “high” (no pun intended) in Bipolar madness so if someone was smoking up…whatever.) Plus there was a hell of a lot of mental illness going around too–more than just PA:

PA: Yet to be dx’d Bipolar and ADD and had been living in a continual state of (hypo)manic existence for at least seven years or more–not on any meds at this time.

Ersatz Friend: Dx’d Depression and ADD (on meds at this time.)

Mac Guru: Previous dx of Depression, had been on meds before (later on in life also, on and off meds for Depression but that was, again, later…) Also undx’d severe Social Anxiety Disorder at the time.

Filmmaker: Now, I think possible dx of Depression when younger or undx’d–or she just said she was depressed. Yes, I believe the latter. Still, to this day I am trying to figure out just what the hell her dx or dx’s is/are/could/would be! My money is on/within the Personality Disorder department. Yes, most bloody definitely!

So what do you think? Makes for an interesting mix? Quite the “Soap Opera” or “Droop Drama” as my Nana used to call those genre of shows?

Ahhh, ersatz friend. We were so close. What happened? I remember one time he was ill. It was something to do with his throat. Did he have to have some sort of surgery or was he just very sick? Either way, he couldn’t speak. Or wasn’t supposed to. When I arrived at his house, I only said hello and asked how he was. Then, I grabbed a notepad I brought with me and started writing. I wrote: ‘If you can’t speak, then neither can I. This is how we are going to communicate.’ A huge grin spread across his face and he started to laugh–almost audibly–so I put my index finger to my closed lips in a ‘shhh’ sort of action.

Ersatz friend was the first person to pick up on my Major Depressive crash. I didn’t know what was wrong with me as I had been (hypo)manic for so many years. That was my normal state of existence (as an adult–depressed as hell as a kid–but you forget these things when you go so far into outer space as I did.) He told me to get straight to a psychiatrist. I didn’t want to go but everything was going down the toilet, my job performance was suffering…I knew I had to. And even still, everything went downhill from there for years anyway but at least it got me on the road to getting help–even if took so many years and it is still ongoing.

Several years later after ersatz friend and I continued to support each other with our shared insanity, he quit his meds entirely in favour of natural solutions. That was fine. He had been on the med treadmill for so very long and just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing seemed to work for him. However, a couple of years ago or so, he told me that I should just go off all of my meds too! Just be done with them! I said to him that I couldn’t. Not with all of my comorbidities. Perhaps it had worked for him but at the very least, my neurologist would probably have a seizure himself if I went off my meds for having those!

Did that drive us apart? Our different stances on medication? Well, really now. Ersatz friend. Are you that closed minded? So we made yet another prospective “dinner date” based upon his schedule. We shall see.

Continuing on with more mentalness, I also called my mother. She is not really a dot to be connected. She is her own little single dot in her own little universe. Well, I had to call her eventually. She is being supportive in her own way, as much as she can I guess. Rather like when I came out of hospital last year. The calls were fairly frequent at first but then she drifted off like the little dot that she is, back into her own little universe. *shrug*


Managed to get some rest and go out to a social engagement (aka “my plans” for Friday night) and passed/ing out…which way?

Exhausted from the infection still but at least I made it out which was good.

I’m going to try and get some more sleep now and take more meds (the OTC cold kind.)

Maybe I’ll post something better tomorrow.

Thanks, guys.

I’m waiting for my lungs to disintegrate at any moment.  Favourite song from the 80s although the Tube version is longer than the single I have.  I can’t find this version.  Huh.

Sensoria by Cabaret Voltaire

Started something…maybe will (re)publish/edit later.

Oh dear. I have four…yes four outstanding memes. One goes all the way back almost to the summer? Or was it the fall? Good heavens. I think I may do them backwards? Or…well, I think two of them are similar or kind of combined so… *PA shakes head*

So Finding the Light in the Darkness tagged me with this one. There are five topics/questions and then you have to tag five people. Alright.

Five Things Found In My Bag:

Well first off, this would be my knapsack or rucksack. I don’t carry a purse so let’s make that clear. I almost went to go check it now but I realised that would be futile. Right off the hop, I’m already having problems with this meme.

  1. My migraine meds–I’ve been getting far too many so I can’t leave home without my Maxalt/Rizatriptan (and by extension the Domperidone/Motilium for daytime nausea.
  2. Tampons. Well, come on! That’s also kind of a necessity, right?
  3. Erm…this is where I either run into problems or I could shoot you a load of bull. Let’s just say I don’t know. It could vary from between what I need for the day or what I need but have forgotten or it starts off empty and then it gets full as I pick something up or stays empty because I forget to pick up what I need or maybe it has my brolly in it because it’s going to rain or it doesn’t have my brolly and it does rain and I’ve forgotten it and then I get wet or maybe I don’t because I have a hat or a jacket with a hood and that’s alright unless I don’t… Welcome to ADD.

Five Things Found In My Room:

Argh! I hate my flat. It’s like my entire flat IS my room. Oh, whatever…

  1. French Doors. Actually I really like French Doors but I can’t use them as they are for my bedroom and my bed takes up basically the entire room!!!
  2. My bed. I know, this is rather obvious and completely unthrilling but I only mention it because of all the “rollicking fun” we had about going mental (or even not being mental) and the whole issue of bed making habits. The “Nutcase Bed Poll” is still up! Maybe I’ll leave it there forever?
  3. Two antique stereos. Actually, I really like antique stereos. One belonged to my grandparents and the other one I bought. Both are functional. The one I bought actually runs off radio tubes. Neato, eh?
  4. A round ceramic jar with a cork that says: ‘Eye of Newt’ on it. *PA laughs* I got it from a friend as a birthday gift many years ago.
  5. A small pair of bongos. I can’t play the bongos! I bought them when I was completely (hypo)manic. You tend to buy strange things when you are (hypo)manic.

Five Things You Have Always Wanted To Do:

  1. I LOVE primates. *PA waves to chimpy laughing* No, really. I want to hold one and spend time with one BEFORE.I.DIE. A chimp would be the best but I’d take an orangutan too. Hell, any one!
  2. Can a do-over count? And kind of a continuation? I would love to go skydiving again and then take it up as a regular sport/hobby. I thought about it after my first jump but it is so terribly expensive!
  3. Experience anti-gravity. I know. There is a bit of a trend here? I’ve always wanted to be able to fly like a bird. Ever since I was a child.
  4. Go SCUBA diving. And with a camera of course!
  5. Meet Oliver Sacks! Oh, my! Oh, I would love to talk to him! I’d probably sound like such an idiot but that would be just so great! Erm…I mean to talk to him; not to sound like an idiot.

Five Things I Am Into Right Now

Oh, dear. Well, my life’s a little messy right now sooo…

  1. Meds And Heads–like that will ever change, right?
  2. Fiddling with MacBook to try and amuse myself…
  3. Watching more of my anime as above and because I’m feeling so brain dead.
  4. Writing but I’m not really feeling motivated at all to do that right now
  5. Drinking lots or Earl Grey and trying to get my life back on track.

Five People To Tag:

Good grief. They’ll all probably say, “Get on your bike, PA! I’m not doing your bloody meme!” I know, I know… I’ve been so sucky and arsey and haven’t been reading anyone. And lately? Well, things have just gotten uglier as any of you “regulars” know. As always, participation is not mandatory.


Cracked Head Blog because he just nailed me with another meme the other day. No offense, darling. Just funsies.
darkentries because he needs something to do with his time. Just kidding sweetie.
Invisible Emma because she was unreal and read my entire blog. So have some fun with this one honey!
It’s All About the Walls who I love dearly but probably can’t stand me anymore because I’ve dropped off the earth and haven’t read her blog either! I’m still here, dear.
The Knifeman (aka DrShroom) who is/may be one of the few med bloggers that still reads me? I love him too.

So there. At least one meme down. Whew.