Archive for April 1st, 2008


I stayed late at work yesterday as it was a really crazy day and I wanted to toss up my blog post. There was a bit of a shift change and one girl came in and was here for about an hour or so. I was busy typing away, immersed in what I was doing and when she came to my desk, I figured she just wanted to chat. Before I could say anything, she said to me: “I need to go now.”

She didn’t sound well.

I looked up and at first I thought she was sick. It seems everyone around here is dropping like flies from some viral infection or another and this girl and I have a running joke about us playing ping pong with our illnesses. I get sick and then feel better, then it’s her turn to do the same. Then it’s my turn again and so forth… It’s like we both have similar stress responses then crashes and/or are completely immunodeficient.

No. This was not the case. She began to shake and then almost started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she just found out her friend had been killed in a car accident.

Whoa.

“You’re kidding!” I said. Isn’t it bizarre how we say such things when we hear someone tell us unbelievably devastating news??? It’s just a reaction of disbelief on our parts, however. Obviously she said no.

I gave her a hug and asked her what happened. Not looking for gory details or anything but more concerned for her welfare and without going into information about her life, it was a bit of a pertinent question. So of course! Go, Go, Go! But oh, are you going to be alright?! A couple of other guys were still here and one asked if she needed a cab. Oh, good question! Should we call a taxi to get her where she needed to go! She didn’t answer as I think she was on the phone. She said she would be back today but I just said…well, now you just call me and let me know…

No bosses in the office at that point so I told her I would explain to them what had happened and the reason for her abrupt departure.

Perhaps this needed to sit for a while in my brain but I am feeling rather upset about it all. This morning, it was even tying my stomach into knots. I don’t want to say something like…oh, at times like these you really learn to value life… It sounds like some sort of ridiculous (and under these circumstances slightly morbid) Hallmark greeting card. Nonetheless, there probably is some kind of “ring” somewhere that goes off in your head–or at least mine–that is saying…well, it’s saying something, otherwise I still wouldn’t be feeling sick to my stomach.

Now, no one (well, debatable?) has less respect for life (her own, not others’) than PA. She’s tried to take her own life. She’s permanently scarred her body externally by self harm. Who knows what the hell she may have done (and still continues to do?) to herself internally through self medication. Granted, you may excuse these things based upon illness but “rationally,” “logically…” She knows better.

I always joke with ex-partner about me dying. Whether through some kind of physical illness or by topping myself. She gets quite upset. In thinking about this incident with my colleague, well…I would be quite upset if ex-partner died? Perhaps some other people too? Mac Guru, my Canadian ex-pat friend, R. in London. My sister! I don’t know. I have never lost anyone close to me through death. Well, my cats and animals are better than most people in my books anyway.

Still. I am shaken up about this. I have some other things on my mind at the moment but they are…well…issues that…whatever. We will always have “issues.”

This makes me think that perhaps I should try and contact some of my “friends” that don’t seem to have much time for me anymore or never call or email me back when I do get in touch with them. If they died? Well, yes…upsetting too?

I don’t know grief. Well, not in this form. I’ve never walked down the path with it in terms of the content of this post. All I know is that what I heard and dealt with yesterday with my colleague has me feeling incredibly uneasy. And yes…quite upset.

As mentioned above as well…the value of my life…? *PA cringes*