Archive for April 12th, 2008

…putting up the poll and joking about the “Code Bed! Code Bed!” was kind of fun and getting me kind of going a bit zippy in my mind but now I’m crashing hard.

I am officially cycling now.

Yep. I do believe.

Let’s hear it for Ultradian where it’s fucking fast!


Mixed States…Dysphoric Manias…are you on the horizon?

Bugger, I was hoping this would NOT happen but is it any fucking surprise?

I so want a drink right now just to calm down.

As per my comments to myself on my last post about making my bed, I decided to put up a poll.  It’s on my right sidebar.  Now, it’s not super fab and eye catching–it’s hyperlinked to another site as still won’t support the “pretty” stuff.  Unless I got an upgrade? Plugins? Feh.

And feel free to answer it if you don’t have an official dx or anything.  I mean you don’t really have to carry a mental illness label around here to be “crazy” or a “nutcase.”  You don’t have to be taking meds and all of that.  You all know quite well by now that I DO NOT discriminate.

So have at it kids! Cast your vote about your bed making (or your not bed making) habits!

As per my last post, I really am starting to get on my own nerves…or drive myself even more crazy than I already am?

I made my bed.

It only took six days…

Anyone else out there need some money? Besides me, that is? Guess who called to hit me up for some cash? If you don’t know from previous posts, Escher. I’ve always helped him in the past and it’s not like it’s been for thousands of dollars. No, just small amounts and he always pays me back but ‘geez.

I can always tells when he calls. It’s usually first on my mobile and then a few minutes later on my landline. He woke me up, too–granted I was sleeping a bit late. He called last night and asked and I guess I was more in a…”frustrated” mood? My moods are still all over. I told him that I just couldn’t do it.

He’s been going through his own problems with work as he’s told me several different things between: head injuries, early onset Alzheimer’s…then no, it wasn’t the latter. I’ve even wondered if it was alcohol induced Dementia as he drinks like crazy. His memory is shot too.

He was having problems getting some form of work disability payments hence my previous loans but prior to that I was still lending. He lives with another mental case that he supposedly assists so I guess I was assisting him as well? Hey, you know PA–she never likes to see anyone in trouble and will do anything to help.

I managed to “negotiate” the amount down a bit. I don’t have that much cash on hand and I need it for essentials. I don’t feel like running out to the bank in the piss pouring rain right now. I’d rather combine all of my errands when I have to go out as I am still feeling like crud and I don’t want to leave my flat. Again, it’s not thousands of dollars and he is concerned about my welfare but he needs the money. He said he’d get it back to me by the end of next week as he’s going back to work and is short until he gets paid. Going back to work?! He still seems too messed up to me and he drives heavy machinery. Oh. boy…

Speaking of leaving my flat, I have tickets to the Symphony tonight that ex-partner bought me as a series for my birthday two years ago. A shame, again, that I don’t feel like going out. She can’t make it as she may still be away on business but I could go with someone else? At least I am listening to some classical music right now. Yes, trying to listen to music again. However, the commercials are bothering me. I don’t want to hear voices. Oh dear…that sounds like I am hallucinating. I’m sorry. I am not poking fun at those who do, for I know that is not fun.

Ah, ex-partner…if we were still together. She would basically be my “nurse” right now. She always had been whenever I would crash mentally or physically. She would have been able to support me financially as well. We talked about me going back to school to become a “nurse” and it would have been fine. She paid for everything on her own before she met me so our dual income was simply a bonus for both of us. The only additional cost for her would have been a bit more food? And what the hell does PA eat, anyway? Even when feeling well, she hardly hoovers it in.

Speaking of food? Tummy? A bit better today? Ah, whatever. The rest of my body? I am fucking freezing. When your body goes into shock you can become very cold. Considering my mind is still in total shock, has my body followed suit?

Last night, I threw two blankets over my duvet and I was alright. Oh…my bed. It’s still unmade but I am getting closer? I removed the duvet from the bed and tossed the linens on the bed. Maybe I’ll actually put them on the bed and pillows. Then, step number two will be going and getting the duvet cover out of the dryer. Step number three? Putting the duvet into the cover. After that, all done.

Oh, and this is weird too. I noticed some twitches in my legs. Not as “full on” myoclonus that I have felt before but wtf? Stress can lower your seizure threshold and cause seizures. Bloody hell! *laughing* Hey! I’m actually laughing! I think this is the first time I have laughed since…? Leave it to my stupid body and brain to do that! I’m not going to worry. I can’t and I really don’t think I’m going to start having any seizures. And well, if I do…at this point…bring it on!

I am trying to do some kind of “mind trick” on myself today. I am trying to pretend that this is just a regular weekend, just like any other. I am trying to go about my business, pretending, pretending, pretending… It worked for about a half hour after I got up this morning. *sigh*

What the hell am I doing? Other than making a blog post?

My mind is so all over the map…I mean, really… I’ve said this before when I’ve started to go (and been) bonkers but I think I’m starting to get on my own nerves. At least I managed to watch a little bit of television last night. You would think that wouldn’t be such challenge but for me when the ADD is at its worst, I could just toss the damn thing out the window. The movie was pretty easy though. “Star Wars” so it was like being a little kid all over again. But yes, the ADD is pretty bad right now as even with my blog posts, I get an idea and then I can’t remember it. So, everything is pretty babbly right now.

I still haven’t gotten baby MacBook out of the box. I should do that? I was maybe even thinking of trying to do some writing but crap, if I can barely put some kind of coherent blog post together what on earth? Anything I would compose would probably sound like a lesser version of a Dick and Jane storybook.

“This is PA.”

“See PA doing nothing.”

“The End.”