Archive for April 13th, 2008


I need to puke out this post first and then I will get to everyone’s comments. Wow, I can barely type today. A bit of a mess. Rather. Yes.

I had mentioned that I hadn’t cycled that quickly and in such a forceful manner (as you could probably gather from me commenting on the post in block caps) in years. Well, sometimes it’s all well and good to have the energy and the “up” feeling of being (hypo)manic. Later, things got a lot worse for me.

I was still pretty hyper after taking my Seroquel/Quetiapine and hopping into bed. I decided to put on my iPod to listen to some music to try and relax me and calm me down. It has helped in the past. That’s when things took a turn…whoa.

I flipped. I started bawling and it was straight into a really, really, bad Dysphoric Mania. It was taking everything to not do a cutting. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I mean, prior to that, I did experience a calm but I guess I must have been in the eye of the storm?

I took off my iPod and headphones and threw them across the bed. I’m amazed I didn’t throw them across the room! I’m kind of saying that in jest as I’m not a “thrower.” I’m not one in my mentalness or even when I just get upset with anything to throw things–you know, if someone is having a fight they start tossing the dishes around and all of that. Not PA. I mean, that can get expensive if you fight a lot, right? I guess, buy paper plates and glasses? Ha ha…trying to be funny but I don’t feel funny…well, I do but in a brain, sick tummy way…get to that.

So, I got up, not knowing what the hell to do with myself. I went outside in the freezing cold with some water (I’ve been very dehydrated lately–probably tummy related) and had a cigarette as I thought that might do some good. I then resorted to some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate and hoped that would knock me out. I didn’t dare want to take any more Seroquel. Best to just monkey around with something that was OTC if I can’t sleep. At least I had the presence of mind to not start fucking with meds even if I was seriously going out of my mind.

I mean, it was BAD.

When I see Merlin #1 next week I am going to suggest adding some benzos to my pretty, rainbow cocktail. They are fast and easy and I can just pop some if I start to feel I’m getting out of control. Wow, I could surely use some now. I am a bit of a wreck after yesterday and last night. My brain is fried and I feel disgusting physically in tummy land.

It’s been so long since I have felt that way. Not just a random period of either a Mixed State or a Dysphoric Mania–well, one wasn’t so “random.” It was caused by taking Strattera/Atomoxetine that Dr. Asshole gave me for my ADD and I temporarily forgot that it is basically–well no– it is an AD. Yep, send PA straight into Bipolar hell.

Nonetheless, this stress is obviously having much more of an impact on my mind than I originally thought it might? Well, this was always in the back of my “mind” but I thought I could withstand all of this and be “strong” enough. However, we can never “control” our brains when it comes to triggers with our neurochemistry. That’s just the way it goes. Again, I think my only recourse at this point is to get some benzos. We could also do some tinkering with my other meds but…

Well, the Lamictal/Lamotrigine takes too long with titration, it’s a tricky AC and obviously it’s apparent I need some help now? The Topamax/Topiramate? Well, sure…that might be worth a shot. It served me so well for so many years and the titration can be done quickly with that–at least for me–no problems there. The Seroquel? I take it for sleep and I don’t know of its efficacy for me in terms of controlling my winging out with the Bipolarness. That almost seems too experimental when I’m getting into crazyland, crisis mode these days? That’s it for my Bipolar meds.

And I will not stop my Biphentin. I am having enough problems concentrating as it is. The Biphentin is not causing the problem; my current situation is. Therefore, I can not see how removing that would help. This is stress related–not med related. I am quite sure that taking my stim away would do nothing to help my life and what I have to face. In fact, I think it would make me more of a spun doofus when I do need to focus right now.

Benzos? I’ve taken Serax/Oxazepam which has been my staple for years in the past. It was…alright for my anxiety and also alright for my sleep but not now for sleep, I would bet. My insomnia has worsened over the years as I could go on and off the Serax at will when my sleep was fine. Now? Sleep meds forever, I am quite sure of that! I have also tried Klonopin/Riva(o)tril/Clonazepam (called by different names wherever the hell you are as all meds…) but I fell into one category of folks where with extended use, it caused depression. Oh yeah, just what I need right?

So, I’m not sure. Go back to my old one or give Valium/Diazepam a try? I’ve always been curious about that one. I’ve never tried Xanax/Alprazolam. A lot of people think that’s the boogeyman of the benzos but I’ve never had a problem with taking my benzo before as I could go on and off. And even with my Gravol that I love so much! It’s not like I’m popping them all the time! I can’t take Ativan/Lorazepam. Well, I can, it’s just that there is no point. They’re like little pieces of candy to me. No effect at all.

Anyway, I just think I need something to keep me from freaking out as my anxiety is at pretty high levels now. I need some pharmaceutical intervention. I don’t want what happened last night to happen again. I know I have no control but if it keeps up, it WILL be hospital time and I really don’t want that. I can’t afford it. Not in terms of time, money…all of that. I need to get back on track, get a job, get my life in order.

I know my health comes first and realistically, if I am not healthy I can not take care of the above anyway. However, if I can manage to get through this without my brain either exploding or imploding, that is what I want to do.

Wow, I think this is longer than I expected.

Hey, at least in my “up” state, I managed to get baby MacBook out of the box. I guess I can put the relic away. That’s good. I was sitting on the floor, trying to lean against Mozart’s scratching post that I still have and trying to balance the keyboard on my lap. It was killing my body. Now, I am more comfortably on my bed. Pillows… *PA leans*

Exhausted PA.

I was too all over to do anything with it so I waited for today to check everything out. Good grief, could you imagine being all out of it and ME destroying my new one?!?!?! Well, I don’t think I would have but still. I wanted to be in a more “sane” state of mind to check all of the data dump.

Whew. It’s all there. As far as I can tell? If I come across anything when I’m looking, then I guess I’ll know but so far, sound as a pound. Shit, the screen is so “new” and “clean…” It’s so bright it’s almost hurting my eyes! I just dimmed it. Maybe my eyes are just tired. No doubt.

The only thing “missing” if you are thinking of buying one is the remote I got with my first one. It’s now an “upgrade” that you have to purchase. Although I’m using mine at the moment and it’s still fine. Like it wouldn’t be? It’s a little thing that shoots out a…well, a little thing. Actually, it seems to work better with new baby MacBook than old baby MacBook? Huh.

On the flip side, with mine (the black) and one of the whites (ewww…white) is they did some upgrades. I now have a 250MB hard drive whereas I only had a 160MB and you had to upgrade for that. Also, I seem to have a DVD burner now! That was an upgrade as well, as before it was only DVD-ROM/CD-RW. Leopard may seem to have some neater features that I am kind of finding out as I’m going along here? Well, I guess I won’t categorize this under “Technology Sucks.”

And…there’s nothing that smells better than a brand new Mac, straight out of the box. Well, except leather and garlic cooking?