Archive for April 17th, 2008


Okay, it’s not going to happen that quickly but I just got home from my GP appointment, stopped at the pharmacy and popped my first Valium/Diazepam about a half hour ago (at time of beginning this post.) Alright, let’s take it for a test drive. Let’s see what it’s going to do! Let’s see if my post goes completely downhill (i.e. the stuff works well!)

I am also completely knackered. I didn’t start with the 100mg of Seroquel/Quetiapine last night. Dork PA. I should have. I awoke in the middle of my restless night at some point and ran to take another 50mg. So, what, big deal. Not enough time. I also had to wake up early to go on a two hour long trek to see my GP. Yes, a bit far away from where I live.

My lovely GP. She took one look at me and quite obviously saw I was in rough shape. I as I walked into one of the examining rooms, I felt her hand lightly on my back as she led me in. Again, bless. She said that she had a medical student with her and was it alright for her to come in. I could tell she was a student as I had seen them talking before I went in and I had never seen her in the office before.

I said, “Sure, she can spend some time in hell!”

My GP said, “Oh, no..” in a sort of a…it’s not that bad, manner.

I turned to the medical student, a very nice looking young girl and as I plopped into the chair, I eyed her and then said: “I have a very interesting brain…” *PA rolls eyes* Well, come on guys! You know it’s true!

My GP knew nothing of “the hell” as lovely nurse had not relayed the information–just booked the appt. So off I go. Also, it wasn’t a 30 min. counselling type, just a “regular” medical type. PA needed to try to convey everything fast! And that she did. Yes, yes…off I go in my typical med geek fashion… At one point, I needed to stop so my GP could take a break and update my file. She turned to the med student and smiled.

She said, “PA isn’t your typical patient…” I almost started laughing but I felt so shitty I just couldn’t. I simply retorted: “Ah, yes…you should have become a doctor, PA…you should have become a doctor.”

Crap, I need a tea. I haven’t had any today and something tells me that this is going to take long enough to write and edit anyway? I’m not sure but the Valium might be allowing my white and grey matter a luxurious swim in the GABA pool right now. Ahhh… And it’s been 45 min. now since dosing.

Be back soon…

Alright, so on we go with discussing everything and then she gets around to the issue of cutting and suicidality. I told her that of course, of course. But only when I’ve been cycling. Time to ‘fess up, though. I thought I had the “tools” to remove my sutures but I don’t. I needed her to remove them. I told her about it and the issue of my migraines starting to do me in as far as the mood department as well. Also, that neuro thought my migraines had caused the Complex Partial Seizure that I had in early December. She asked what neuro had to say about it. I told her that I hadn’t relayed the information as I had just sort of pieced it together recently. Also, I wouldn’t be seeing him until August as both the MRI and EEG were clean.

The med student removed the sutures. Poor girl. I don’t know if she was really nervous or…well, I don’t think I intimidated her! She removed the sutures alright but the cut is still open just a touch. So put on some Steri-strips. She wasn’t getting it quite right and I was tempted to advise her but I didn’t want to embarrass her!

I guess that’s about it? I’m not quite sure what to say about the Valium. I mean, it sure beats (or seems to be beating?) the Serax/Oxazepam that I took years ago. I read on the little patient monograph from the pharmacy that smoking can reduce its levels. I actually didn’t know that. *laughing* Again, like PA knows everything, right? Still, it’s not like she’s a crazy, “pack-a-day’er.” Oh, no. Not to mention, we’re starting off q.d. (once daily) and then moving up to b.i.d. (twice daily) if required. But it’s also kind of on a p.r.n. (as needed) directive as well. I mean, if I suddenly wake up feeling all grand and don’t need them, great! I think that is doubtful at this point. What do you guys think? Not to be all “negative sounding” or a “real downer” about my mental (un)health but you can’t just “pep talk” your way out of Bipolar madness.

I’m seeing Merlin #1 again in about two weeks. My GP wants me to call her immediately afterward to see how things are going. Even if it’s just for a telephone chat (again…wow…she does not do this…well, maybe with other patients but realistically, other GPs do not!) You need to make an appt.! At that point, we will also readdress the whole benzo situation as I think she is hesitant about keeping me on them. I don’t think Merlin #1 gives a toss. Regardless, if my anxiety is still high, it will still need to be controlled, correct?

Right now, it is a complete baseline while I am conscious…well, probably while unconscious, too. It’s this undercurrent that WILL NOT go away. It might if I end up going all (hypo)manic but I crash and it just ends up coming back.

I’m still on the fence about starting the Topamax/Topiramate increase. I still have some things to do tomorrow (boy has this been an exhausting week) so I might wait until Friday night when–if necessary–I can let my brain go completely haywire with no responsibilities or things that need to be taken care of.

Okay…going to go have another cuppa? And see how this Valium ride works out? It is kind of making me laugh a bit…hmmm…just maybe a little “happy pill?” I guess they didn’t call it “Mother’s Little Helper” for no reason, right?