Connecting…And Connecting Some Dots From My Past For You


So yes, trying to get around to contacting people. Mac Guru was good enough to email filmmaker. She called. He then emailed her after I went over the edge in my cycling frenzy. I didn’t hear from her then. She probably had nothing to say–or rather, maybe wasn’t quite sure what to say. I did my first overdose after driving home from her place in 1999. We had been fighting for a while and agreed to meet that night and managed to patch things up. Oh wow, what a volatile relationship we had over the years. Well, those years. Back then. She’s still crazy though and well, I am but at least I differ in that I have actually been diagnosed.

She did come to visit me though after the OD. With “ersatz friend” as I have now come to call him. We all knew each other. Part of the same little circle due to her film. There is another man I still know but because filmmaker is/was/can be brutal (and so much more back then making the film) she pissed him off so much that he simply can not stand her anymore.

Such a shame.

So I called “ersatz friend” too. He is the one where I so often keep in contact with, arrange to get together for dinner etc… but leave it up to him as his work requires him to travel so his schedule pretty much trumps mine. I wait for him to get back to me. He never does. And I was so out of it. I was trying to remember his email address. I completely forgot that I have his numbers on my mobile. Ugh. My brain is still not quite up to par?

The conversation was…well, I don’t know if it was odd or not. He seemed a bit distant? Sort of, ‘well, gee…that’s too bad…’ He didn’t really sound all that sympathetic. I often wonder if I put him through hell so many years ago. He was my “crisis man.” Whenever I OD’d, cut…I always called him. That is not a nice thing to do and those are not pleasant calls to receive. However, I was out of my mind and extremely ill. Not an excuse, mind you. Simply the reason. And then there was filmmaker. Compared to me? Oh, my lord. She really put him through the wringer. Talk about being demanding! He also fell in love with her.

I fell in love with her too. Ersatz friend? I think he may have fallen in love with me too. Yes…deep within my so muddled, murky memory I seem to remember him telling me so. Fuck me, Mac Guru even fell in love with me! Now that I do remember! It got a little messy but we worked it out. It can be very hard when you fall in love with people that can not return that love–that type of love. They can only be your friends and love you in that manner.

Wow! Can you believe all of that up there??? It’s a wonder any of our hearts managed to stay intact! Except filmmaker. She didn’t seem to give a shit about any one of us all falling all over each other–especially her. I don’t say that to be mean or spiteful, really. I would never say such things about someone! You just would have to know her to understand and I guess be there during those days.

And between all of the partying, drinking, drugs (not so much PA as she’s never been into drugs but she was flying “high” (no pun intended) in Bipolar madness so if someone was smoking up…whatever.) Plus there was a hell of a lot of mental illness going around too–more than just PA:

PA: Yet to be dx’d Bipolar and ADD and had been living in a continual state of (hypo)manic existence for at least seven years or more–not on any meds at this time.

Ersatz Friend: Dx’d Depression and ADD (on meds at this time.)

Mac Guru: Previous dx of Depression, had been on meds before (later on in life also, on and off meds for Depression but that was, again, later…) Also undx’d severe Social Anxiety Disorder at the time.

Filmmaker: Now, I think possible dx of Depression when younger or undx’d–or she just said she was depressed. Yes, I believe the latter. Still, to this day I am trying to figure out just what the hell her dx or dx’s is/are/could/would be! My money is on/within the Personality Disorder department. Yes, most bloody definitely!

So what do you think? Makes for an interesting mix? Quite the “Soap Opera” or “Droop Drama” as my Nana used to call those genre of shows?

Ahhh, ersatz friend. We were so close. What happened? I remember one time he was ill. It was something to do with his throat. Did he have to have some sort of surgery or was he just very sick? Either way, he couldn’t speak. Or wasn’t supposed to. When I arrived at his house, I only said hello and asked how he was. Then, I grabbed a notepad I brought with me and started writing. I wrote: ‘If you can’t speak, then neither can I. This is how we are going to communicate.’ A huge grin spread across his face and he started to laugh–almost audibly–so I put my index finger to my closed lips in a ‘shhh’ sort of action.

Ersatz friend was the first person to pick up on my Major Depressive crash. I didn’t know what was wrong with me as I had been (hypo)manic for so many years. That was my normal state of existence (as an adult–depressed as hell as a kid–but you forget these things when you go so far into outer space as I did.) He told me to get straight to a psychiatrist. I didn’t want to go but everything was going down the toilet, my job performance was suffering…I knew I had to. And even still, everything went downhill from there for years anyway but at least it got me on the road to getting help–even if took so many years and it is still ongoing.

Several years later after ersatz friend and I continued to support each other with our shared insanity, he quit his meds entirely in favour of natural solutions. That was fine. He had been on the med treadmill for so very long and just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing seemed to work for him. However, a couple of years ago or so, he told me that I should just go off all of my meds too! Just be done with them! I said to him that I couldn’t. Not with all of my comorbidities. Perhaps it had worked for him but at the very least, my neurologist would probably have a seizure himself if I went off my meds for having those!

Did that drive us apart? Our different stances on medication? Well, really now. Ersatz friend. Are you that closed minded? So we made yet another prospective “dinner date” based upon his schedule. We shall see.

Continuing on with more mentalness, I also called my mother. She is not really a dot to be connected. She is her own little single dot in her own little universe. Well, I had to call her eventually. She is being supportive in her own way, as much as she can I guess. Rather like when I came out of hospital last year. The calls were fairly frequent at first but then she drifted off like the little dot that she is, back into her own little universe. *shrug*




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