Oh, Good Grief Gray Matter!

I mentioned in my last comment to Greybeard that I’d write up something about my mental functioning or whatever today. This is because I was thinking that I had to make a Blog365 post and…? Well, I posted after midnight last night so I really don’t have to write this. Anyway, here goes nuttin’.

My brain is certainly doing better than it was before we made the med modifications–no doubt. However, I wonder if there might have been some low level cycling last night? I’m not sure. I do believe something was happening, however. Some things just didn’t feel right!

I texed someone and I won’t reveal what I said but the content was rather shocking (not oooh, PA…!….why, I am shocked!) No. It was shocking in a more personal way. It was representative of things I would do back during other phases in my life when not mentally stable and very unhappy. Very masochistic behaviour that on the surface, I could hide behind using some sort of veil of “control” but under it all, I was practically, repeatedly stabbing a dagger through my heart over and over again.

Why? Where? How did this thought come about? I’ll tell you: because what I’m going through is still fucking with my head. In a very unpleasant way. I think today will just be a relax/try not to feel like utter shite/Valium day. A try to get lost in movies day. Movies that will make me laugh? Movies that will make me cry? Oh, even the best of comedies would probably make me bawl my eyes out right now. Therefore, let’s get the Valium. I still might cry anyway. It’s not like the Valium turns me into a complete zombie or inhuman robot.

Oh, and without getting into detail regarding what the hell I was talking about above, if you’ve been reading this blog at certain points, you’ll get it. I just don’t want to write about it as I don’t feel particularly happy about it at the moment. Normally I would as this blog is open and it is not something I would hide–I didn’t hide it before. I apologise for being a bit cryptic.  However, if you are really clueless and dying to know, just ask and I will tell you.  I have no problem with that.  I just didn’t want to repeat it all in this post.

Don’t worry. It wasn’t something “unsafe” or “dangerous.” Well, just both of those emotionally for PA.

  1. dw

    sweetheart, let me tell you something. and i’m entirely unqualified. i see so much in you. yet i see this disease defining your existence, and please forgive me for being so bold, because it’s strictly motivated by concern and faith in you.
    this disease, yes, it’s your life. but reach out further. throw yourself into life, and let yourself feel it. nothing major. just little things. gardening or support groups or .. hell, anything. put your beautiful personality out in the world and let it move. replace the dark/confortable circles with something brighter. you’re stong that way. it’ll move you as you move it. try, please. little things. i think they’ll save you.


  2. Hi dw, first, thank you for your wonderful compliments. It really means a lot to hear that from you.

    Now being “unqualified,” I don’t know if you think that pertains to being a M.D. or something but neither am I! You are certainly qualified to comment and state your opinions and feelings here!

    Some people have said that my illnesses have “defined my existence” before. Even those that are dx’d as well have said it! I am never quite sure how to take that. Indeed, I blog like hell about them–this tends to be the primary focus of this blog? In my life? Hmmm. That can be hard to grapple with.

    There is the whole discussion (for lack of a better word) with all of us with head maladies to not let it define us as people and I agree that it is not “me”.” Just like being gay. It doesn’t “change” who I am as a person. However, being gay doesn’t make me go all flippy and mental! Unless I fall madly in love with someone (cue comic relief.)

    I think sometimes I may go a bit overboard with it all because a) I’m such a huge stigma buster and b) I am so bloody interested almost to the point of obsession(?) with all of the psych/neuro stuff and medicine in general. I do not have Aspergers nor am I on the Spectrum but it is almost a bit similar however not to that degree. A serious fascination with “something.” It could be anything.

    There are/were some things that I was looking into. Some groups that were related to artistic pursuits but my lack of motivation got the best of me and so did winter. I am still interested, however.

    Support groups? I have never done well in that area. I lack the patience, I don’t really do well with “therapy” in general and even the folks leading the groups (social workers, psychologists…whoever…) they irritate me. Not to sound condescending but when I went to the outpatient group after being in hospital, even the social worker assigned to me there said: “You are way too intelligent and advanced for this!”

    And a lot of times, the groups are the same. I just don’t get anything out of them. I have Merlin #1 for my “support.” I would much rather meet people of like mind in some other non-mental capacity.

    Gardening makes me laugh. Didn’t we both say we kill plants, dear?

    Thanks again, honey. Let me get employed first and then I’ll look back into the other groups that I was interested in. I don’t think I can tackle everything at once. But even just getting out and socialising when I feel better; I am doing that.

    One thing that was absolutely perfect had some scheduling issues so yes, based upon a new job *PA crosses fingers* that one may be tricky. But still possible? It involved fellow crazies too but also people from the community and professionals as well so a good mix.

    xx back.


  3. you’re sounding much better. you’ll have to live to one hundred to do half the stupid-self destructive shit i’ve done. you’ll forget in a short time.

    hang in there.


  4. Hi Greybeard, well…I’ve done my fair share, believe me. I just haven’t written everything on my blog (of course.)

    I actually am feeling quite low at the moment. I have been all day and it has just been getting worse as the evening has progressed. Perhaps a wee cycle yesterday and over into today?

    It’s close enough now that I guess I can pop my sleepy meds and think about bed. I’m still fighting this bugger of an infection too so feeling physically down as well.

    I also have a rather stressful week ahead of me so that might have been the trigger for yesterday/today?

    I’m just so fucking not impressed. Kind of in a bit of Mixed State. A combination of anxiety and depression. It is very uncomfortable. It’s different from a Dysphoric Mania that sucks too…but well, all of the cycling shit sucks in one form or another. Hopefully I’ll be in better form tomorrow. One of perhaps the “better” points of my cycling that unbelievably fast?

    Piss off. It still sucks.

    Thanks, dear.


  5. Y’know, I’ve been thinking about the “does the diagnosis define me” theory all day today, and was actually going to write a blog about it, tying into my own depression and my son’s autism. But all I want to do right now is sleep. Ack. And I have schoolwork to do. Double ack.

    I wish I had more answers… right now I feel like I’m spinning in circles, too.

    How about a good comedy and some cookies? I have some chocolate chunk cookies here. :-)


  6. Hi beartwinsmom, welcome to my blog as we haven’t met before. Interesting that you have had similar thoughts and even in such a timely fashion.

    It’s quite alright if you are too tired to blog about it–absolutely! It sounds like you definitely have your hands full. I am also no stranger to autism both knowing a couple who has a son on the Spectrum and having known people online on the Spectrum as well.

    Answers? Well. I really don’t know if there are any in the mental realm or in “life” either. Nothing is concrete. All we can do is just keep trying to exist as best we can? Keep trying to achieve stability? That is how I feel at least.

    Mmmm. Cookies. And definitely with milk.

    If you ever want to come back and discuss…this or anything else, by all means. Or feel free to email me offblog.

    Take care and nice meeting you,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: