Archive for April 29th, 2008


I went to see Merlin #1 today. I wanted to hug him. Is it permissible to hug your psychiatrist? Recall that my GP gently placed her hand on my back when I saw her and I looked like I was on death’s door when she guided me into the examining room to talk.

Anyway, I don’t think any of my medical team would mind if I hugged them. Certainly right now? Except neuro and I would never want to hug him anyway!

So we talked about the med adjustments of course. Then we got into my…erm…you see? I can’t even express… My “thinking ability?” My “cognitive processes?” Basically just how the fuck I was functioning in my head?!

Yeah. Good one, Merlin #1.

Let’s just say it ain’t that great. There is a reason for this. Well, apart from the obvious! But there is a more obvious reason why I am not thinking well. Tomorrow and probably the day after (as I really don’t know how long it will take) I have to clean up/out my computer at work and take home all of my personal items. What is a decent analogy? Someone has died, you are still grieving and now you have to go to the funeral?

I mean, tomorrow it is all over. I mean, that’s it. It’s done. Over. Goodbye. For the last little while, I have been at home, trying to “deal,” cycling, adjusting meds… Now I REALLY have to say goodbye.

So I puked it all out at our appt. today. Which was actually kind of good, I guess. PA is quite averse to “talk therapy.” She doesn’t do it well. So, perhaps, this might have opened a door? And Merlin #1 was so good. He said because of all the stress I would have to face this week we’re getting you straight in next Monday.

Bless. Again, may I hug you Merlin #1? My GP also wanted an immediate call after the appt. so I said let’s just do it while I’m here in case she wants to talk to both of us! She wasn’t available so he left a message and she can call him back. If she wants to check in with me, she knows where to find me.

Okay, on to the “REALLY Hot Women!” *laughing* I was walking to my appt. and I saw this woman (well, there were two of them) but one was wearing the most amazing stockings! They had these black rectangles and in between they were divided by what you would call “nude” in colour. Holy fuck! They were so wicked. But then…her shoes! OMG. Now, PA doesn’t have a shoe fetish like a lot of other women out there but these shoes…fucking sexy shoes!!! She had a coat on but I was like…what’s underneath that coat??? And then, it’s like, what’s underneath that?!?!?!

“Hi, Honey. Care to come home with me after my psychiatrist’s appointment?” *laughing so hard*

I cast her a little sideways glance as I walked past. Oh, PA…you fucking, incorrigible flirt! Maybe I should have told Merlin #1 that at least that degree of my thought processes were still functional?

The other woman that she was with was actually more attractive but had more “regular” stockings on. And more conservative shoes. Still…prettier.

“Want to come home, too?”

PA’s not into threesomes…no. But for these two women? An exception? Uh huh.

It kind of makes me think…maybe I should femme myself up again. I did a bit before. Years ago. I used to work with a woman and we had a bit of a fling. At the time I used to wear very short skirts and drop a lot pens and shit like that, bend over and such. It was kind of a joke since we were already fooling around but still.

No make up though. I don’t really like the feel of it on my face. PA has been told that she doesn’t need it. I guess that is a compliment? Regardless, now that I’m skinny as all hell, maybe I should get some short skirts, tight fitting clothes and yes…femme myself out to the hilt. What do you think?

*PA laughing so hard again*

And if I do…I’ve got to find those fucking stockings…they were so cool!

Oh…this might be too much but PA also prefers garter belts. Was that more than you needed to hear? They are sexier, yes, but also more comfortable!

OMG…I think those women just did something to me! No, between me going out of my mind, them being so fucking gorgeous, me…well, not really needing to get laid but me really needing to get a job??? FUCK.

Again, what do you think? Makeover? Totally femme myself out again? Better chances?

Oh my fucking god. I sound like I’m my own pimp. I wonder what my own take is? My per centage? I’m pretty sure I won’t beat the shit out of myself, though. *laughing*