I went to see Merlin #1 today. I wanted to hug him. Is it permissible to hug your psychiatrist? Recall that my GP gently placed her hand on my back when I saw her and I looked like I was on death’s door when she guided me into the examining room to talk.

Anyway, I don’t think any of my medical team would mind if I hugged them. Certainly right now? Except neuro and I would never want to hug him anyway!

So we talked about the med adjustments of course. Then we got into my…erm…you see? I can’t even express… My “thinking ability?” My “cognitive processes?” Basically just how the fuck I was functioning in my head?!

Yeah. Good one, Merlin #1.

Let’s just say it ain’t that great. There is a reason for this. Well, apart from the obvious! But there is a more obvious reason why I am not thinking well. Tomorrow and probably the day after (as I really don’t know how long it will take) I have to clean up/out my computer at work and take home all of my personal items. What is a decent analogy? Someone has died, you are still grieving and now you have to go to the funeral?

I mean, tomorrow it is all over. I mean, that’s it. It’s done. Over. Goodbye. For the last little while, I have been at home, trying to “deal,” cycling, adjusting meds… Now I REALLY have to say goodbye.

So I puked it all out at our appt. today. Which was actually kind of good, I guess. PA is quite averse to “talk therapy.” She doesn’t do it well. So, perhaps, this might have opened a door? And Merlin #1 was so good. He said because of all the stress I would have to face this week we’re getting you straight in next Monday.

Bless. Again, may I hug you Merlin #1? My GP also wanted an immediate call after the appt. so I said let’s just do it while I’m here in case she wants to talk to both of us! She wasn’t available so he left a message and she can call him back. If she wants to check in with me, she knows where to find me.

Okay, on to the “REALLY Hot Women!” *laughing* I was walking to my appt. and I saw this woman (well, there were two of them) but one was wearing the most amazing stockings! They had these black rectangles and in between they were divided by what you would call “nude” in colour. Holy fuck! They were so wicked. But then…her shoes! OMG. Now, PA doesn’t have a shoe fetish like a lot of other women out there but these shoes…fucking sexy shoes!!! She had a coat on but I was like…what’s underneath that coat??? And then, it’s like, what’s underneath that?!?!?!

“Hi, Honey. Care to come home with me after my psychiatrist’s appointment?” *laughing so hard*

I cast her a little sideways glance as I walked past. Oh, PA…you fucking, incorrigible flirt! Maybe I should have told Merlin #1 that at least that degree of my thought processes were still functional?

The other woman that she was with was actually more attractive but had more “regular” stockings on. And more conservative shoes. Still…prettier.

“Want to come home, too?”

PA’s not into threesomes…no. But for these two women? An exception? Uh huh.

It kind of makes me think…maybe I should femme myself up again. I did a bit before. Years ago. I used to work with a woman and we had a bit of a fling. At the time I used to wear very short skirts and drop a lot pens and shit like that, bend over and such. It was kind of a joke since we were already fooling around but still.

No make up though. I don’t really like the feel of it on my face. PA has been told that she doesn’t need it. I guess that is a compliment? Regardless, now that I’m skinny as all hell, maybe I should get some short skirts, tight fitting clothes and yes…femme myself out to the hilt. What do you think?

*PA laughing so hard again*

And if I do…I’ve got to find those fucking stockings…they were so cool!

Oh…this might be too much but PA also prefers garter belts. Was that more than you needed to hear? They are sexier, yes, but also more comfortable!

OMG…I think those women just did something to me! No, between me going out of my mind, them being so fucking gorgeous, me…well, not really needing to get laid but me really needing to get a job??? FUCK.

Again, what do you think? Makeover? Totally femme myself out again? Better chances?

Oh my fucking god. I sound like I’m my own pimp. I wonder what my own take is? My per centage? I’m pretty sure I won’t beat the shit out of myself, though. *laughing*


  1. Alright, so I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you have to leave your job? Or you got fired? Forgive me for sounding so clueless.

    I’m SO glad that Merlin #1 is being proactive and scheduling those appointments right away.

    And those stockings do sound really cool. I’m not much into shoes, myself. But I do love a nice sweater. :-)

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  2. I think changing your look in some way, even if temporarily, could be a welcome mental break. It might give you something to focus on, maybe even obsess over, that is harmless. Well, maybe harmless. But, there is something about dressing differently that can help you to feel differently. So why not?

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  3. Sounds like things went well with Merlin.

    Hope the clean up isn’t too arduous.

    Those tights do sound awesome, shame you didn’t find your way into a pair :P

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  4. sodajerk

    i do not wish to drag yer blog down to the gutter,PA.

    BUT,ever considered a career in writing erotic literature?

    you have a gift with the written word,i feel you should explore.

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  5. Hi beartwinsmom, nope. No limb (or at least not a long one.) I was made redundant but NO, not fired! Heavens to betsy! Still, it is awful and I am rather a mess. I just have stopped blogging about it–directly–since it happened a few weeks ago. Well…I guess it will be blogged about indirectly as this blog is about my life so there will be updates about my job searching etc…

    When I can get my bloody brain back on track.

    Yes, Merlin #1 and all the other members of the team are fab.

    Sweaters are good too…I used to be so much more into clothes but I think now I shall have to be more so. Also considering the weight loss from my tummy problems. I thought I might be able to gain it all back but no. I need a new wardrobe? Or at least part of?

    Hi aikaterine, yes you have a point and I am WAY overdue for a haircut. I have just been dressing like a bum for so long. As above, I need new clothes anyway!

    Hi exactscience, yes it was a very good appt. Oh, the clean up. Not done yet. There just about all day? I guess I’ll blog a bit about it? I don’t know…I’m beyond exhausted. Numb?

    And good one about the tights. *wink*

    Hi sodajerk, no you’re not dragging my blog into the gutter! Hell, don’t I do enough of that already???

    Funny…someone mentioned that to me not too long ago…AND, I actually made reference to it myself on my blog somewhere, some time ago in jest!

    Thank you for the compliment about my writing. And well, truth be told, I have written some erotica but NO ONE has seen it!!! *PA laughs so hard*

    But you do know that I have done submissions for publication already. They are just not on my blog, of course. Obviously for my anonymity and hellooooo…plagiarism???

    And PAs never been published…no…maybe someday?

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  6. Sounds like you’re coming back to life.

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  7. Ah, another good one Greybeard, just like exactscience?

    Well, I did make that comment about the “interesting” side effect of Valium affecting your sex drive in either increasing it or decreasing it? Well…I can’t say if it’s really ramped me up in a huge way but it hasn’t decreased it. No.

    Maybe it has increased it a bit? *shrug*

    Oh, hell! I don’t know! At least it doesn’t sedate me enough to “perform.” *PA almost falls off chair laughing*

    Although she’s only performing with herself these days.

    Crikey, and sodajerk was worried about dragging my blog into the gutter, eh? I told him that I do a fine enough job on my own?

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  8. Hi everyone,
    I’ve just discovered these blogs and want to say thank you, for cheering me up with your wit, humour and total honesty. I’m going to hang around for a while because you are all just what I need at the moment. In a world full of ‘sane’ people it’s very difficult to find someone who understands, isn’t it. You know, I reckon we’re saner than many people out on the streets, judging by what is happening out there when I read the world news on my computer, which I do on a daily basis.
    I’m female, 5′ 4″ small… 58 in October ’08, and married (35 years in June – although sadly I’m apparently now ‘officially separated but living under one roof’, how does that work out?? We had to do ‘something’ because for the first time in 20 years we are trying to claim benefits of some kind because money is really tight at the moment. And, regarding our sex life, I refuse to take full responsibility for it being non existent since our son’s birth. I admit to the deep depression I fell into after the birth of our son, however there’s a bit of ‘something else’ going on regarding my husband’s sexuality I’m sure, and the fact that when I has the baby, he bought himself a computer, and has virtually not moved from it since. Yes, he’s also overweight and knows it.
    We have a 19 year old son (6th attempt at pregnancy-it pays to persist, something I was always pretty good at, thank goodness) who arrived early and survived an emergency caesarian. He’s 6′ 2″ now. He’s my support and has been with me when I’ve been ‘considering’ suicide. Naturally I love him dearly, and am so relieved that he seems to take after his father in that they both have bronchial problems. I hope he never has problems with depression.
    Other than the help I’m having with my psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, I am having to cope almost completely on my own (except for my darling son, and I try not to rely on him too much because I remember what it was like to be 19; I went to London for an abortion from South Africa, and my mother did not speak to me for 20 months (and counting…))
    My father (age 83) and stepmother are in London and my mother-in-law certainly isn’t my best friend at the moment, because her only son is unhappy. We’re in Perth, Western Australia. I think he’s going through his change of life, age 57. Husband burnt out and son having a hard time coping after my having been diagnosed with bi-polar 5 and a half years ago.
    Tomorrow they are all going out to lunch to celebrate my mother-in-law’s 81st birthday. My son’s girlfriend will be going with them. I am not invited. I don’t think I could cope with her sarcasm; we’ve been there once before and I don’t want to add being rude to her as well. And, I’m sure as anything, if you don’t learn from experience there really isn’t much point sometimes is there…
    Strange thing is, that a few weeks ago I stopped taking my mood stabiliser (with permission of course) and within a couple of weeks I was ‘back’. How powerful is that!! I am on a minimal antidepressant now. I’ve been advised to be careful though, and I suppose not get too ‘carried away’ with things.
    I did put on 30 kilos over the past few years (I was 50kg and too thin, I realise, then) and would dearly like to go down to 60kg. A compromise. So, now it’s as though somebody has pushed my ‘on’ button again and that part of me has returned. Thank goodness. I’m trying to eat less too but appreciate I still have to look after myself.
    I’ve had the company of 2 small dogs and a cat, we all sleep together, or at least Pip sleeps on the floor by my side of the bed. They really are the most wonderful support.
    My psychoanalyst started our discussions a few months ago with the simple statement ‘And what are you going to do with the next 40 years of your life?” I remember looking at her with astonishment. Forty years? That’ll make me 98! (Well, great aunt Trude died age 98 a couple of years ago so it’s possible, she always said we were similar) So I thought – you mean I have a ‘rest of my life’ to get one with. Gee, that’s a looong time. Well, I suppose I’d better get on with it. I’d found ‘closure’ in many areas regarding my family, but still had to do a little work at this end.
    Now I’m the strong one whilst everyone else is collapsing around me… ‘I’m so sorry but I couldn’t help it. I’m trying to sort it all out as best I can because I’ve still got a lot of living to do.’ I love you both, please trust me.
    I know I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones and I am so grateful that I finally discovered why I had spent my whole life, up until the age of 52 (I was always a late starter…) unhappy.
    I had always known something was ‘not quite right’ and I sure as anything had no idea where to go for the answer, other than just hanging in there in the faint hope that something, somewhere would happen. And it did, stress from the family business made me psychotic and I was hospitalised for 12 days in 2002. When I returned home I climbed into bed and drew the covers up over my head whilst saying to myself ‘what the hell happened then!!’
    So during the long journey back during the past few years I’ve had many side effects from the various medications I’ve been on, (and enjoyed whole bars of chocolate, sucking it instead of eating it, and whole boxes of chocolate…) including losing a tooth, having my nails lift off their nail beds, suffering from taste dyspersia, tinnitus, a rash on my arms, hives and heat rash, the shakes and I’ve also been hospitalised for a blood clot in my lung so I had to take Warfarin and have weekly blood tests. Things went pretty ‘pear shaped’ July ’07 when I changed my meds too. However, all this led to my finally coming off my mood stabiliser because I had not had any psychotic fits during the intervening years; other than swearing loudly at someone I fancied in public, (which is an unknown for lady-like me,) because he threatened me and getting into trouble for cutting up the back window of our son’s convertible, when he said he couldn’t see out of it properly and nearly had an accident whilst out driving.
    You know, one of the most uncomfortable feelings I had as time went by was when I came not to trust myself. Did I do that because I am ‘ill’ or was that actually me. What in hell was going on!! I didn’t think I could carry on not knowing who I was any more. And from the outside, to family members, they had NO idea what was happening inside of me. None whatsoever. Life carried on for them as usual with the odd hiccup from me.
    I was seen as lazy though, an unusual occurrence for me, and yes, I know that at times I just walked past the dishes, knowing full well that from my side of the fence there were far worse things than dirty dishes. But how do you explain that to somebody who has never been ‘ill’…
    For goodness’ sake, I’d cooked and washed the dishes for 29 years until I couldn’t go on any longer. Nobody knew what was going on, not even me myself. Now we know, it all came out as time went by.
    Anyway. I guess I should end with mentioning that my mother died in South Africa 31 years ago suddenly at age 46, my younger brother died in 2001 suddenly, my youngest brother is schitzophrenic and being treated, my father is depressed and hides away in his bedroom. Finally I came to recognise that no one had got away scot free, the dysfunctional family I grew up in gradually fell apart and I, the ‘black sheep’ of the family who left shortly after returning from London in 1972, became the only true survivor.
    See, I knew I was, and am, special.
    Wow, this feels good. I’ve offloaded my problems and only the people who understand will read them, or not, but that is their prerogative.
    Thank you for reading my ‘stuff’. Take care.
    – right, where did I put that list, ok – ‘finish painting the outside of the house now that I’ve removed the ivy… I’ll be blowed if we’re going to have to sell the house after all this time, there must be SOMETHING I can do. And see if I can find a part time job on Monday…
    fin
    xox

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  9. Hi angela, welcome aboard and thank you for visiting my blog. I am flattered that you enjoy it…and well, are getting something out of it? Sometimes I think I just blab on and on…what the hell am I saying…?

    Do you have a blog? If not, perhaps you should start one. That comment you left sure had a lot to say in it. Toward the end you said it felt really good to write the things that you did.

    People blog for a lot of reasons but one of them may be to do just that: offload shit. By doing so, it can be therapeutic.

    You take care as well,
    PA

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