Archive for April, 2008

Now, this makes sense and should be of no surprise–at least to me–or maybe anyone else out there?

I’m fucking sick.

No doubt because of all the stress.  My head is pounding, my nose is all stuffed and running, my chest is sore and scratchy.  Fever? Well, it will come…not there yet! We’re just starting to climb the mountain here!

I am currently waiting for my Neo Citran (North America’s version of Lemsip, basically) to cool down so I thought I would whine write whine about this and respond to a couple of comments because I can’t bloody well sleep.

It should be interesting if I need a Neo/Lemsip later and take a Valium? Heh.  Oooh…bad, space-junkie PA…

Oh, I almost forgot!  My brain is just so… *PA crosses eyes*

I was outside today and two little birds were sitting on one of the telephone or electricity wires.  They started mating *laughing*  I’ve never seen that before!

The female flew right off; then the male dashed too.  No foreplay…no basking in the afterglow… *PA rolls eyes*

I really don’t know what to write about. In fact, I don’t really have any desire to blog. I don’t really have any desire to do anything. *laughing*

However, I am making some pasta right now. Weird, huh? I’m eating. And I had a fairly large breakfast that was really closer to lunch as I was sort of screwing around after I woke up. Still, is the Topamax/Topiramate working in reverse? No appetite loss? Maybe it’s just because I’m already on it so my brain and body are both used to it. Speaking of my brain, it doesn’t seem to be so fried by the dosage adjustment. I was sort of figuring I’d be alright after a few days? Yes?

So, I’m kind of in: “I Don’t Really Care Land.” Not that I don’t care!. No, of course I care! Valium/Diazepam hasn’t turned me into some sort of emotionally unfeeling meanie! I’m just sort of, m…e…l…l…o…w… Has my Valium knocked out my Biphentin? Which is actually Concerta/Extended Release Methlyphenidate, folks. No contraindication. I just think I…don’t…care… Well, maybe I will later when I start feeling like crap about life but for now?

And hungry. Now, between monitoring my Penne, I’ve been just poking around and Valium does have some possible appetite increasing properties–in cats. Perhaps PA is a cat? Or maybe she was one in a former life? Really, not much else out there except maybe some appetite loss or something with Valium abuse? I didn’t really look, as again, I’m just not motivated.

Oh, and a PA secret for Valium. Well, that is to say a secret for PA and her Valium. She wasn’t quite sure of it’s efficacy for her plus a bit of tummy pain so best taken with food. That seems to make her nice and out of it and no tummy pain.

*PA runs off to perform Penne check*

Pasta Cooking Tip: Do not rinse your pasta. Ex-partner who is a chef told me this. You may think you are getting rid of some icky “starch” or something but there is already starch in your pasta. You don’t want to rinse it as the sauce or whatever you are preparing “sticks” better to unrinsed pasta.

‘Geez. Penne’s such a “fat” pasta, don’t you think? It takes forever to cook! I honestly don’t know why I buy it. It’s not my favourite “type” or “shape.” I really like “Scoobi Do” that is also known as “Cavatappi.”

What do you think:


Yeah, it’s pretty cool because of the corkscrew shape and it also has the little ridges all the way along. I always used to laugh at the one name, Scoobi Do, as it sounds like this guy. Scooby-Doo!

Well, it’s still pretty early yet. I’m not sure what I’ll do for the rest of the evening. I sent an email earlier today and it took me about three hours. I’m not kidding.

Maybe some TV? That doesn’t require a lot of effort. Actually, putting this post together was kind of fun *grin* And it didn’t require that much effort. And I finally got a chance to play with the new “Add Image” feature that they set up in WP. Wow! SO much easier. Way cool. However, they are “aligncentered…” but not publishing that way although when I go into “Edit” mode, they are centred. Hmmm. Oh well, no biggie.

Here’s an MP3 for you on MP3 Of The Moment. When I found it when ex-partner and I were together, I just had to download it. Ex-partner (who is Jewish) just shook her head and rolled her eyes at me.

Poor ex-partner. She is exhausted from too much work and had to go to her mother’s last night for Pesach. I said to her, “Passover? More like ‘Passout.'” She agreed.

I often think that it might be nice to still be invited to dinners with her family over the Jewish holidays as they still care very much for me (as does she–we are still very good friends.) Maybe it might be just too odd or too much. I don’t know.

Anyway, here’s a pretty crazy song. It might drive you a little batty but it made me laugh and still does. Perhaps some of the kiddies might like it for their Bar/Bat Mitzvahs?

So, it’s nice to see you all down there. I always wondered what earth looked like from way up where in I am space right now. It is actually quite realistic from the pictures they show you from the shuttles and all of that. And I’ve finally gotten to experience anti-gravity! I have wanted to do that ever since I was a child! It’s like a dream come true!

*PA laughs*

No, no…I’m just on my bed, typing away on MacBook as you all are thinking. However, I really do feel like I am in outer space or at least in some other…land?

I wanted to post about something else today but shall do that tomorrow–obviously this takes priority as it’s just so…whoa. I mean, Merlin #1 and I? I think we made an interesting decision here!

I took the first 100mg increase of my Topamax/Topiramate last night as I said I would since all of my appointments were done as of yesterday. If memory serves, because my cognitive abilities are extremely screwed right now (will get to that in more detail re: ACs and Topamax) I waited a little bit before taking my Seroquel/Quetiapine before bedtime. Wow, am I glad I made the decision to wait until the weekend!

I didn’t go to bed extremely late last night (did I…?…oh, fucking memory…did I come home and watch a bit of television?) I know I sent off a quick email and that was around 2230hrs. That means I must have gotten home around 2200hrs or so–maybe earlier? The late arrival home was because I called Grocery Man as I thought he would be getting off from work at around the time I would be arriving back in the neighbourhood. I thought it might be nice for a visit. It turned out he was sick with a bit of a cold and had taken the day off but no problem. So we had a visit, listened to some music and had some soup and toast for dinner. It was a rough week so I did get a wee bit tippled on some whisky.

I know. Right on the heels of talking with Prester John (now known as Greybeard) about drinking on Valium. Not to worry, kids. Again, just a bit of relief and relaxation because of all of the stress. However, I will note that initially it did seem to make PA a pretty cheap date. Then it just seemed to move off to…well, who knows? Regular PA drinking? Or maybe there was still some Valium/alcohol combined effect going on? I had taken the 5mg dose early in the morning. *PA shrugs*

So back to the good ol’ Topamax. Indeed, had I taken it the night before last, I don’t even know if I would have been able to make it to my appointment! I have been outside for a tea (not that it’s making a sachet of a difference) and a cigarette and I’ve just been walking around in circles. No, I was almost literally walking around in circles outside! Escher called and knows I’m on another crazy med overhaul and asked if I needed anything as I am obviously incapable of leaving the house right now. I told him that I am fine but might need some milk tomorrow as I am getting low on that. He said to call if so.

You know, speaking of cognitive impairment (I know…I said I’d get there re: the meds…) he’s right fucked. He said he was going back to work and now he’s not and I don’t know! I think he may have forgotten that I loaned him money. It was only sixty bucks/dollars/quid/euros/pounds…whatever you wish. I really don’t care if he pays me back. The funds are now gone from “PA International Mortgage And Loan.” The institution is filing for bankruptcy. Unfortunately, it may turn the world economy into yet another tailspin but that is just how Big Business goes sometimes.

Alright…Topamax and cognitive impairment. I apologize for it taking so long for me to get here but you obviously can understand why?

Now, all meds can come with some generalized side effects based upon their classes which pretty much makes sense–even if we still don’t know exactly how they work on our brains. With ACs, one of the biggies is cognitive impairment (followed by clumsiness!) Why the clumsiness, I’m not sure but the cognitive impairment? Maybe to do with GABA and Glutamic Acid and when it gets turned into Glutamate–a precursor to GABA. GABA is linked to memory? GABA is linked to seizures and the meds are of course Anticonvulsants–originally prescribed for seizures and Epilepsy.

But again, the clumsiness? Maybe if you get so stoopid you bump into things all the time? What bloody neurotransmitter is responsible for being swift and agile?!

Still, they are a very poorly misunderstood class of med and I believe this (at least for one reason) because they are so “multi-purpose.” They are used to treat seizures, Bipolar and migraines! I have always been so interested in possible links between the three–especially since I have them all! Others out there share the comorbidities as well. Maybe not all three but two of them.

I really think that Topamax is the worst in this area–the clumsiness/stoopid business. Some people may disagree. It was probably tied for the hardest hitting side effect for me along with loss of appetite/weight. Then there was the taste perversion (some things just tasted like crap!) and the paraesthesia (I got tingly in my extremeties.) The latter two went away and I did end up gaining a bit more weight and some of my appetite did come back. Also, a little less cognitive impairment but it’s still there (forgetting words: their names, meanings, spellings; I can get lost and turned around so easily, problems with memory…things like that?) Also, I’m on Lamictal/Lamotrigine so what does that have to offer me? I think I am a bit more clumsy now. Maybe a bit more cognitively impaired too? *PA rolls eyes*

Alright, I guess this is long enough. I did manage to write it too instead of just saying, “Hi, the Topamax has done me in. Laters.” And I don’t think there is any need for my Valium today? *laughing* Oh…PA turns into a little puddle on the floor. Unless for some reason I get really anxious about something…

Tough, long week. So here’s a Tube. I don’t drink coffee so let’s say tea? But the rest fits? And well, you don’t have to “marry” me but just take me away…

It’s a fun vid too. I have cooler specs than the “missing” guy though.

Coffee & TV by Blur

Okay, it’s not going to happen that quickly but I just got home from my GP appointment, stopped at the pharmacy and popped my first Valium/Diazepam about a half hour ago (at time of beginning this post.) Alright, let’s take it for a test drive. Let’s see what it’s going to do! Let’s see if my post goes completely downhill (i.e. the stuff works well!)

I am also completely knackered. I didn’t start with the 100mg of Seroquel/Quetiapine last night. Dork PA. I should have. I awoke in the middle of my restless night at some point and ran to take another 50mg. So, what, big deal. Not enough time. I also had to wake up early to go on a two hour long trek to see my GP. Yes, a bit far away from where I live.

My lovely GP. She took one look at me and quite obviously saw I was in rough shape. I as I walked into one of the examining rooms, I felt her hand lightly on my back as she led me in. Again, bless. She said that she had a medical student with her and was it alright for her to come in. I could tell she was a student as I had seen them talking before I went in and I had never seen her in the office before.

I said, “Sure, she can spend some time in hell!”

My GP said, “Oh, no..” in a sort of a…it’s not that bad, manner.

I turned to the medical student, a very nice looking young girl and as I plopped into the chair, I eyed her and then said: “I have a very interesting brain…” *PA rolls eyes* Well, come on guys! You know it’s true!

My GP knew nothing of “the hell” as lovely nurse had not relayed the information–just booked the appt. So off I go. Also, it wasn’t a 30 min. counselling type, just a “regular” medical type. PA needed to try to convey everything fast! And that she did. Yes, yes…off I go in my typical med geek fashion… At one point, I needed to stop so my GP could take a break and update my file. She turned to the med student and smiled.

She said, “PA isn’t your typical patient…” I almost started laughing but I felt so shitty I just couldn’t. I simply retorted: “Ah, yes…you should have become a doctor, PA…you should have become a doctor.”

Crap, I need a tea. I haven’t had any today and something tells me that this is going to take long enough to write and edit anyway? I’m not sure but the Valium might be allowing my white and grey matter a luxurious swim in the GABA pool right now. Ahhh… And it’s been 45 min. now since dosing.

Be back soon…

Alright, so on we go with discussing everything and then she gets around to the issue of cutting and suicidality. I told her that of course, of course. But only when I’ve been cycling. Time to ‘fess up, though. I thought I had the “tools” to remove my sutures but I don’t. I needed her to remove them. I told her about it and the issue of my migraines starting to do me in as far as the mood department as well. Also, that neuro thought my migraines had caused the Complex Partial Seizure that I had in early December. She asked what neuro had to say about it. I told her that I hadn’t relayed the information as I had just sort of pieced it together recently. Also, I wouldn’t be seeing him until August as both the MRI and EEG were clean.

The med student removed the sutures. Poor girl. I don’t know if she was really nervous or…well, I don’t think I intimidated her! She removed the sutures alright but the cut is still open just a touch. So put on some Steri-strips. She wasn’t getting it quite right and I was tempted to advise her but I didn’t want to embarrass her!

I guess that’s about it? I’m not quite sure what to say about the Valium. I mean, it sure beats (or seems to be beating?) the Serax/Oxazepam that I took years ago. I read on the little patient monograph from the pharmacy that smoking can reduce its levels. I actually didn’t know that. *laughing* Again, like PA knows everything, right? Still, it’s not like she’s a crazy, “pack-a-day’er.” Oh, no. Not to mention, we’re starting off q.d. (once daily) and then moving up to b.i.d. (twice daily) if required. But it’s also kind of on a p.r.n. (as needed) directive as well. I mean, if I suddenly wake up feeling all grand and don’t need them, great! I think that is doubtful at this point. What do you guys think? Not to be all “negative sounding” or a “real downer” about my mental (un)health but you can’t just “pep talk” your way out of Bipolar madness.

I’m seeing Merlin #1 again in about two weeks. My GP wants me to call her immediately afterward to see how things are going. Even if it’s just for a telephone chat (again…wow…she does not do this…well, maybe with other patients but realistically, other GPs do not!) You need to make an appt.! At that point, we will also readdress the whole benzo situation as I think she is hesitant about keeping me on them. I don’t think Merlin #1 gives a toss. Regardless, if my anxiety is still high, it will still need to be controlled, correct?

Right now, it is a complete baseline while I am conscious…well, probably while unconscious, too. It’s this undercurrent that WILL NOT go away. It might if I end up going all (hypo)manic but I crash and it just ends up coming back.

I’m still on the fence about starting the Topamax/Topiramate increase. I still have some things to do tomorrow (boy has this been an exhausting week) so I might wait until Friday night when–if necessary–I can let my brain go completely haywire with no responsibilities or things that need to be taken care of.

Okay…going to go have another cuppa? And see how this Valium ride works out? It is kind of making me laugh a bit…hmmm…just maybe a little “happy pill?” I guess they didn’t call it “Mother’s Little Helper” for no reason, right?

Bless. Bless, bless. I have the most amazing medical team in the world. Well, sans neuro but you can’t have it all, right? I was thinking of them all, my appt. with Merlin #1 on the way home and almost crying–but what doesn’t make me want to cry these days?

So did PA wave some magic wand she has over Merlin #1? She got everything she wanted. She stated her case, all of her med suggestions and they were discussed and agreed upon. I can not believe how lucky I am to have a team that respects me and cares for me so much. And I have a YouTube that I am dedicating to them at the end of this post that is also making me cry.

So, up the Seroquel/Quetiapine from 50mg to 100mg to get me to sleep? We all know how important sleep is for Bipoles who are cycling like crazy (no pun intended.)

The benzo conversation was interesting. I mentioned before that my ancient Serax/Oxazepam…well, I haven’t taken it in years and I actually had a brief memory flash: there were times when it didn’t work so well when my anxiety levels were really high. Maybe not a good choice right now. Also off the list: Klonopin/Clonazepam due to the side effect of Depression with extended use and Ativan/Lorazepam as it doesn’t work. Okay. Do we go with Valium/Diazepam or Xanax/Alprazolam? We decided to go the Valium route.

I also got my Topamax/Topiramate increase. Up from 200mg to 300mg. It’s hard to say which is the most important: managing the anxiety, sleep or trying to somehow get the Bipolar managed with the AC increase as they are all tied together. But playing with the AC is the one that’s a little more complicated. I again reiterated that that Lamictal/Lamotrigine was just too slow of a titration and it’s too “prissy” of an AC. It was added as an adjunct for me anyway. My Topamax and I have had a beautiful relationship for years and I can handle a faster titration.

Erm…titration? No titration. Spare no expense…we’re going straight up to that 100mg.

Now everyone! *PA claps hands* May I have your attention please!

I would never tell you how to manage your treatment with your physician/s but this isn’t really… *sigh* …”irresponsible?” It’s not…”unsafe.” Necessarily? It’s perhaps…”unorthodox?!” “A bit risky?!”

Slower titrations are always best. Especially if you have NEVER been on the med before. Especially if…wow, so many reasons why you really should not make a huge jump like this. I thought about not doing it but I know the med, I know what could happen? I am under a medical care. It’s not like I’m just doing this myself. We both agreed since I was deteriorating so quickly, unravelling to such a degree…go for it. I need help now.

This could be interesting? Also, I said to him I think I shall do it in a divided dose! Oh, yes we surely agreed on that one. Let’s not blast my brain with it all in one shot!

With any increase in an AC I could have some silly seizure activity reoccur. However, I’m already cranked on seizure prophylaxis whereas I wasn’t before and I don’t give a shit. I need to get stable. The loss of appetite and…loss of weight! I’m already fucking tiny enough! My appetite is still fine and my stim didn’t cause me problems there so we’ll see. Nonetheless…just like now anyway: Eat PA! Eat!

So, holy fucking Med Head PA! The Seroquel is no big deal as I just need a sledgehammer to knock me out as I am not getting enough sleep. The benzo? Let’s see if Valium can work well enough for me. The fucking “jump right up” Topamax? Again, that might be kind of interesting. I might be pretty much in La-La-Land until my brain gets used to that. God, taking benzos too during the day?

Well…thank goodness my doctors have faith in me and I have faith in them. I’ll be picking up all the scripts tomorrow but I think I might wait until the weekend to give them all a go. Except maybe the Seroquel as I have enough on hand at home to increase.

You know, I hope this will help. I really bloody well need it…help! I even feel maybe just a tiny bit better…just knowing that we’re going to try? That someone is willing to listen?

Okay, here’s the Tube dedicated to my medical team…they and it…oh, tears…

I’m still in (hypo)mania land. Okay… Hmmm…

I decided to go for another walk to try to burn off some more energy? Or something? Where’s my power cord? Battery in red.

Wow. Sun…cars…buildings… I mean, WTF? *laughing* This is nuts. Hang on, I need a cigarette.

*PA pads off outside for a smoke*

I’m chugging back water now…dehydrated. I ate a fair bit yesterday but not so well today. I mean, I’m bouncing off the fridge, cupboards…at least I did the dishes so I CAN eat? Huh.

Ex-partner called. We did my taxes a while ago and she was supposed to drop a hardcopy off tonight as for some reason she couldn’t send them in online (just like last year?) Huh, again. But she couldn’t print the forms and neither could I when she sent them to me before. Huh, again, again.

I told her I cycled waaaay bad over the weekend and now was again cycling over this past 24 hours. I mean, if you could have heard me on the phone! Nice pressured speech. If you could see my feet moving. That’s more the ADD. Can’t stop moving. She understood of course. It’s not like she didn’t live with me and she doesn’t know mental, Bipolar/ADD (everything else) PA! We might (or she might because I’m a dummkopf who can’t do math) have to do my taxes longhand so I have to get the forms.

Fuck. I have to do so much! I need to make a list…lists…lists…

Erm. Sure. NOW?!?!?!

Grocery Man called and left his third message in a few days so I thought I’d better call him back. Oh, fuck. I blew him away. He’s never seen me cycle and again, I have never cycled like this in fucking years. Even then, it was an isolated incident and now, it’s happening on a regular basis. He could barely understand what I was saying so I tried to explain in my rapid fire talk just what the fuck Ultradian Cycling was and that this is how I cycle and blah, blah, blah…

We just ended it that yes, I could call any time, day or night, in crisis or for whatever.

OMG…I just can not believe what my brain is doing right now. No… I mean, serious, BRAIN.GO.POP.

I am kind of thinking the Seroquel/Quetiapine is going to do shit tonight. Supplement with Gravol/Dimenhydrinate? I am so spinning out of control and wired. By this time last night I was so wiped, I was taking my sleep meds and getting ready for beddy. Now, I feel like I could stay up for well…quite a while? But again, I don’t know. Is any sort of crash imminent? Like I said in my last post, I was also suicidal by this time last night.

Weird…either someone in the house across the way has something really bizarre on their television or some freaky, bright disco light in their room? Sorry. ADD moment.

Oh, dear.

You see? BRAIN.GO.POP.

Maybe I’ll stream a song?

I feel like I should add a new Category called “Going Out Of My Mind” to my Blog…

Well, I’m using an external mouse.  That’s new.  The touchpad and clickbar get the most use and I want to keep baby MacBook in top form.

I saw my first Robin Redbreast yesterday.  I don’t really believe in Talismans but I asked the little birdie for some good luck anyway.  Does that mean spring is here? It is a lovely day today and I needed to go pick up some “essentials” which forced me to “go outside.”  I had to take a shower as I looked like hell.  Well, I could have just tossed on a ball cap and yes…gotten out of my pyjamas but…no.  Shower.

Why??? Whee!!!!!!!!!

Yep.  Instead of just meandering down to the corner which is as far as I would have to go, I went for a walk. I know.  I haven’t left my flat except to see gastro man and today.


Now, I know you might all be saying: “YAY PA! Way to go!” Well, to be fair, it probably was a good thing for me to get out and it did feel quite nice but let’s just backtrack for a bit.  Yesterday, I was “Super-Anxious-Freaky-Woman” all day and I was suicidal by bedtime. This morning I was “Super-Somnolent-Depressed-Woman” who couldn’t get out of bed until 1300hrs.  And that was because I only had to go to the bathroom! Once I did get up and have my tea…up, up, up?

I sent off an email before even looking at my blog that was very long winded and rather…giddy? Hyper? Ah, whatever.  Hit “Send.” Then, run my errands.  Granted, I still felt like I was in outer space while I was out for my walk.

I feel like my Bipolar and my ADD are doing some kind of medieval jousting match in my head.  Or maybe merely a sword fight? Perhaps they are “cycling” (BWAH-HA-HA!!!) in the Tour de France competing for the Yellow Shirt? Or maybe riding a bike in tandem.  One of those funky two-seater types? Either way, the Bipolar is certainly ruling my mood swings and the ADD is controlling my concentration.  Both are screwed.  I honestly do not know if I am coming or going, where I will end up next… *sigh*

Again, in 24 hours, I have done another crazy cycle of some sort (albeit not as bad as the weekend) and my concentration is still blown to shit.  I know I’m completely gone as while I was out, I grabbed some local papers “to read” and I can’t “read” right now! Come on! So, yes…I have the up, wild, racing thoughts to grab the papers to read but the ADD will/would never allow it!

And is this post even cohesive/coherent? I think so.

Interestingly enough, I had one reader tell me that they could note what state of mind I was in or how my mood was by my style of writing.  I found that a very astute observation.  And it wasn’t from the obvious remarks of…oh, woe is me, I want to top myself and all of that.  It was from my normal post writing about things that were not mental and all of that.  I mean, even now I can tell that I am gaining speed in my moods as my typing is getting faster.  That to me is an observation that yes…things are definitely picking up….just a manual dexterity type of thing whereas my manual dexterity is not that fantastic.

So…here we fucking go again.  I have no idea where on earth (or again…in the stratosphere) I will be for my appointment with Merlin #1 tomorrow.  All I need to do is remember it!!! That’s the damn ADD whipping my ass