Archive for May, 2008
Yes, this post is an hour over deadline. Endless server maintenance… I’m not sure, perhaps only on a hour…
…but for someone with ADD it can only be described as:
EDIT: and yes, will be edited to be edited for time…yes.
Okay. I’m not sure what happened last night. Did we have another little spin around the Ultradian Cycling Dance Floor? Or did I throw some kind of tantrum like a toddler at the checkout counter when their parents refuse to buy them some candy? Well, I’m not really prone to tantrums and outbursts, that’s for sure. Too much stress got the better of me? Some wacky Bipolar mood shifty-shifty? I’m still feeling a little “spinny” today.
Rather a bit of a posting spree too. I pretty much expected no comments but that is fine. That can tend to happen when I (may) start to go off the deep end. I start to spew forth quite a bit on my blog. Not to worry–no hurt feelings. I think no one knows what on earth to say, really! Other than perhaps in their heads: ‘Oh, here we go! PA’s losing it again!’
Well, it’s a new day. Alright, after some sleep it is. Although, oddly (again, who knows what was going on) when I went outside to listen to the birds before retiring, one seemed to be chirping a little too loudly for my ears. My face got a little twitchy and I started to feel a bit altered. It didn’t last long but I can’t tell you exactly.
Did I have a Simple Partial Seizure? I can’t say for sure but I would only mention anything to neuro if I had another Complex Partial. Or if I started having a whole whack of Simple Partials. That may sound irresponsible but since I’m already on a whole bunch of Anticonvulsants, an isolated Simple Partial in my mind should not merit any major concern–especially if I’m not even sure I had one–which may be indicative that I did? Sounds a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? However, since the Simple Partials have been managed for so long and the one Complex Partial is obviously more serious, that would be more of an issue? Again, unless I started Simple Partialing all over the place.
I can’t speak for everyone who has Epilepsy or a Seizure Disorder but from those that I have spoken to, they generally tend to handle it in a manner of their choosing. Sort of a comfort zone of their own. They know how it works for them as they have usually lived with it for a while.
A perfect example may be, should a person seize in public and an ambulance be called, if the person is not injured they may just simply want to go home and speak to their neuro about it. Whether they are taken to hospital is another matter. However, if you have a Tonic-clonic you can be pretty damn out of it when you’re Postictal and not be making any sense. You can even be combative so the paramedics may/will (?) just cart you away anyway. Still, the person won’t be admitted as it is a chronic condition and what is the point? They may just remain in hospital until they are a bit more “with it” and then be sent home…and follow up with their neuro as they see fit.
Actually, I had a version of basically Simple Partial Status Epilepticus (well, I believe it was as I rotted away in hospital and I was not dx’d at the time.) But boy does it sure fit the description! And in reading, you can have a Type I which is a non-progressive form. Oh, man! It was nuts.
It started like this and progressed in about…15 to 20 minutes or so: rapid eye blinking, facial twitching, all the way down to my mouth, mouth paralysis–therefore, tongue hanging out of mouth–drooling, due to the paralysis, motor aphasia although consciousness preserved, full on wicked neck and shoulder twitching and jerking–SO painful–and finally, jerking all the way down my right arm to my wrist/hand.
“Status” with any seizure means it’s basically prolonged–way longer than it should be and that is when you need to go to hospital. Especially if it’s a Complex Partial or a bloody Tonic-clonic. The latter? You could die. Even the former is not good either because your consciousness is lost with it as well as a Tonic-clonic. So major medical attention needed! And fast!
Mine lasted for HOURS. No, it was ridiculous. I had to try and write and communicate with my left hand as I am right handed and I swear, the jerks, twitches, spasms (basically mycolonus as it is called) were incredibly painful. I have never felt such bodily force like that in my life. It is amazing just how violent seizures can be and that was probably nothing compared to some other peoples’ out there.
Anyway, no work up. Just some simple neuro exercises and I was released. But exhausted and a bit loopy, again, being Postictal.
Sorry. Seizure chat diversion… I told you, I’m kind of out of it. Back to “life stuff.”
Ex-partner sent me a text a couple of hours after I fell asleep. I sent her one around midnight as I just needed someone to talk to. Again, she is out of the country on vacation. We went back and forth a bit. I ended it by saying roughly, “…you go back to your vacation and having fun. I’ll text you when the next crisis happens.”
“…my family and friends, are blowing in the wind…” Well, ex-partner is good but she is usually so busy with work.
Filmmaker’s been pretty good, actually. Normally she is so unreliable! Well, has been in the past! Still, she has two kids so that of course keeps her busy! We are still trying to get together but it shall happen.
Speaking of “getting together,” let’s put a wee “it” in the middle, shall we? No more fooling around! I know. How many times have I said that?! No, really. The clock is ticking.
I need to somehow find a balance between not pushing myself too hard so I don’t throw myself over edge and yet I can accomplish all I need to do! How well can all relate to that one, right? So, I’m working at it today. Trying to do all that I can. Trying to climb back up on the horse or a Shetland pony or some animal that will help me along.
I am seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow. Normally I am not all that keen to see him unless we really need to sort out my meds but no…I think I really need to talk to him. That is very rare for me as you all know (or if you don’t) I have great trouble with any kind of “talk therapy.” I feel like I’m slipping and I know I am struggling.
Well, I managed to pull my all nighter. I wasn’t sure I would…could…should…do it? Put all of those is any order you choose. Roll the dice. At this moment, I am so beyond the point of caring in so many ways. Other than the point of…job…job…job…
Unfortunately, that might do me in. But let’s not go there, right?
I have always had this unbelievable fear of being destitute. I think after all of these years, I have finally figured out why. My mother was obsessed with money. Not about having it or being rich. No, nothing like that. She was a “penny pincher” and could stretch a dollar like you couldn’t imagine!
She was a complete contrast to non-bio dad, the total opposite, where money would slip through his fingers like pure water.
I remember rhyming of the “Weekly Grocery List” with my mother. She had everything all written out that we needed to buy and I would rhyme it off. She would write it down…yes…no…as I would read it off the list. As the years went on, the exact same list that never was rewritten grew tattered and torn. It was in her handwriting and on purple paper.
I’m sure that exact list is long gone but another one in a similar incarnation exists. Oh, yes. Absolutely.
I’m not that tired, actually. I seem to have found this somewhat, small reserve of energy from somewhere. I need it. Badly. The only problem is, it’s not enough for all that I need to do for tomorrow. That being said, I probably do need to sleep. Now that the sun is starting to rise…do I dare to put my head to pillow?
Well, without my sleep meds I may not be so knocked out. I may just have a…rest? Or a bit of a sleep? Or well I might need them considering I have found this energy reserve…ironically considering I felt like I was about to die about 12 hours or so ago.
Or, realistically as a chronic insomniac, even though I feel like I should “take a nap” I may not be able to anyway. I may need meds to put my head to pillow nonetheless. Trying to think…perhaps some sleep would be good?
This feeling…a microcosmic version of the destitution above. I have had it over and over again. It is very, very bad when I am severely depressed. You do not want to go to sleep because you do not want to face the next day.
EDIT: I missed the sunrise while typing this up but I guess I’ll go and listen to the birds sing. I am feeling a little of the…above. Not wanting to face tomorrow but it is tomorrow. Or today. Or…well, fuck. You get it.
So, my beloved Tallis has come up on my iTunes while I am typing this. That is soothing and might set my head to rest? I can actually start to feel my shoulders and neck ache.
Okay. A step outside. Some refreshing water. A cigarette and then a bit of a lie down.
There’s been so much going on that this post has been slipping my mind. Sitting on the back burner. Does anyone out there remember “The Cesspool?” One of PAs neighbourhood pubs? The one where she was barred…banned…? Oh, that’s right! Wee PA, 90lb./7 stone or so…throwing around the bar stools! Tossing the pint glasses at peoples’ heads! Either empty or full of beer?
Shit, what else is she capable of in a pub? That fucking raucous and riotous PA!
That’s not what happened. No.
It took me a long time to write it out as it hurt a lot so this is what basically happened. It’s not pretty. In fact, it was embarrassing, ugly, shocking, frightening…and yes…I handled it but shit. Again. I was completely devastated.
Not that this is some grand, beholden pub of the neighbourhood. Actually…”Cesspool” kind of fits after all was said and done. It is a kind of…rough…”unruly” place? Not that there were actually barstools or pint glasses being thrown around. And it doesn’t look that bad. However, I was told by several people that I was rather brave to come in as a woman.
Now what the fuck does that mean? I’m sorry, what age are we living in? True, the pub population was and is definitely in the male majority. Nonetheless, that will not stop PA from entering ANY space. I apologise, but fuck.you.men.
At least in that kind of arena or context. You all know I don’t practise any bias of any kind. NEVER.
Alright, skipping ahead. I was walking down the street some night a while ago and all of the sudden, the owner of “Cesspool,” D., gives me a huge hug and tells me to come in for a drink! I “reminded” him that he banned me and he said, “Oh, forget about that! Don’t worry!”
I’ve been in a few times. Nothing has changed. It’s still a wreck.
He needs to be on meds more than I do. No, seriously. I popped over there tonight and he decided to do some “construction” on a seating area before last call and brought out a Buzzsaw! Hi! Safety??? Drunken patrons and you’re pulling a Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
If you read the link above (although it is long) I was labelled insane?
I heard all of this bullshit later, due to the Police that showed up (again read the link) and maybe to a lesser extent Paramedics. They had a lot of liquor violations and such. But that wasn’t what happened!
Read the link…
Mental Mommy and my sister that somehow didn’t help…?
I was so surprised to be “allowed” to enter the “Cesspool” again but maybe it’s no wonder? The lunatics are running the asylum as they say?
Emotional lability time! Should I just sit here all day and…well, it’s night now and see where my emotions take me? Just puke all over my blog until I am more of an empty vessel than I may already be? I dare not say the “C” word right now. No, no…people! Not that “C” word. Get out of the gutter; you’re crowding me!
“C” as in cycling. I think I am just frustrated? Am I actually bordering on angry? That bizarre emotion and/or feeling that PA just doesn’t “get?”
Another thing that has been driving me bonkers and even keeping me awake at night (among other things of course with my stupid ADD “buzzy brain”) is that I have been thinking of my FOAD. Yes, the friend that gave me the Grand Piss Off a few months ago. I had sort of reconciled it in my mind that…well, I guess that’s that! It certainly stinks to be sure, but cast out in the freezing cold I was. Perhaps it was for the best.
Well, now in the midst of “life hell,” here I am thinking of that friendship. It is gone, I know. But what if it wasn’t? It would be another means of support? Support=Good right now?
I don’t want to think of my FOAD friend. The whole issue confuses me. There are so many goddamn reasons, for no relationship with any human being is ever simple. In fact, they are always complex and at times, I just want to cast aside the entire human race and become a complete hermit. That is neither realistic, nor possible, however.
Part of me says the way I was treated was like shit and yet, I would never turn my FOAD away should that friend come back. Nope. Never burn bridges is PAs philosophy and in speaking to others, that apparently is a rare philosophy to behold. Many people say that when they get a FOAD (and maybe one as brutal as I did?) it’s goodbye, good riddance.
That is not to say I am wishing for my FOAD to come back. I’m not pining away saying, “Oh…FOAD…I am indeed in “life hell! Please, please…I wish you were here!” And yet. Why the hell are you on my mind so bloody much. Get out of my head. I have enough problems already. Like the aforementioned gutter, there is no more room. You are taking up space for all of the other issues that are causing me to go mental.
I grow weary of people saying all of the business of other people coming into your life for this reason and that, for this duration and that. It doesn’t mean that I want them to shut their gobs when they express such sentiments and statements. They’re probably fucking right and I am just too stupid to get it! No, PA is too loyal. PA will put up with all the crap. PA will apologise for the problems caused, even if she didn’t cause them or is/was the one to blame. Cheese and Rice! At the very least, it takes two to tango, right?
That’s why as said above: Part of me says the way I was treated was like shit… I think deep down I know that I was but I refuse to admit it. And that’s a really shitty position to be in.
It’s been this way all of my life. Again, “Childhood Trauma Dramarama.” Not to be dismissive of the fact. ‘Tis true. However, not everyone who goes through childhood trauma ends up like PA. With more “shit” talk, one of my favourite expressions is: “…wouldn’t say shit with a mouth full of it.” Yep. Describes me pretty well.
I don’t like this, “Things happen for a reason…” business either. What reason would that be? Care to explain? Well, I “guess” we could all hazard a guess? In the end, in our ultimately, veiled wisdom, are we comforted that we have explained it to ourselves? Just write it off to whatever explanation that we choose to use? I’m sorry. Doesn’t wash.
Perhaps I am complicating things as I am wont to do. Which brings us back to those pesky humans. Are there ever really any explanations with them?
*PA rubs ears to see if they’re growing pointy into Spock shape*
Damn. Not yet.
I know I have problems letting go with all the childhood trauma business. Abandonment issues. A lot of us mentalists have these issues and problems with abandonment. In spending a lot of time thinking about my FOAD…well, I might be straddling the fence on some issues. Still trying to wade my way out of denial due to the abandonment garbage and yet also feeling that it was for the best?
Still, get out of my head FOAD. I know I can’t turn off my brain but I’ve got to get you out of my head. Maybe some thoughts of you can come back when I get things sorted out in my life. And maybe then it will go back to how I was thinking of you before. Back to a place where I had sort of reconciled the notion that “perhaps” it was for the best.
Alright, then. Let’s clear up the metaphors and let me get some (I won’t get into all of the stuff that comes out of your ass anymore) out of my system. ‘Nuff said there and about bodily functions in that area in my comment sections/preceding posts?
So yesterday, I went to the job “fix me up, dust me off” sort of place that I stumbled upon. Indeed, it was truly exhausting. A couple of reasons? Now how’s this for a nice start to it all? I was anxious as all hell, not only because of my current situation, so I got very little sleep the night before. Another reason? I went to set my alarm clock and bloody hell? I discovered it was broken! OMG! OMG! OMG! My only recourse was to rely upon my mobile. I set the alarm and then realised that it only had one little battery cell left. OMG! OMG! OMG! I mean, it was time for me to go to bed! I didn’t have time to even attempt to charge it because I didn’t even have any alarm to get me up to make sure it had enough charge to make sure the alarm on it would go off!!!
Fucking Keystone Cops with my clocks or what???
I called ex-partner. She could give me a wake up call before leaving for work, right? Definitely a good idea. I couldn’t reach her so I just left a message. (Aside: she sent me a text the next day and I found out that she is now on vacation and out of the country anyway! Granted she could have called me from her mobile but obviously she didn’t get the message on her home phone until later.)
So, I finally get to sleep but I keep waking up and looking at the time on my bed side clock (at least THAT was still working on the damn thing) and picking up my mobile, almost cradling it like it was my newborn child! Good grief. Well, my mobile’s little alarm clock went off and I was fine.
Okay. Get up, shower, do my hair *rolls eyes* and select appropriate business suit. Check time. Enough for public transit and to not be late? Being Ms. ADD girl, sometimes an issue? And all AD(H)D’ers know this. Time escapes us so lateness can certainly be a problem…? No worries. I made it in fine time. Maybe my Biphentin has been doing me some good in this area?
The day was long. And with it being my first day, I knew not what to expect! Granted, with getting up so early and dressed all fancy, it almost felt like I was going to work. That’s kind of a good thing? Still, it just seemed all weird and not knowing anything about anything there; it was a lot to take in.
The woman I dealt with was very nice and even though I agreed to come back in today, she understood that everything was overwhelming, tough to lose a job and all of that (I think we’ve covered that enough, right?) So, she said that if I felt that I couldn’t, it was fine. Okay. I called and left a message last night to be courteous and professional, of course. Still, I felt like a failure and…oh, here we go…a piece of shit.
Now, there was something else that kind of added to it. I said I wasn’t going to blog anymore about my former workplace and have I blogged about my job here? Really? Why the hell would I? For one, this blog is anonymous and secondly…my job? BORING! I suppose a third reason is that even though I write about my personal life at times, the primary focus is about stuff going on in my/your/peoples’ head(s.)
Anyway, I checked my personal email address and there was a note from my former company about a work function. Huh? I mean, it really knocked me for six!
I immediately emailed my former boss and asked, “What’s this all about?” To make a “short story long,” it was explained that I was still invited even though I no longer worked there. Again…no point in getting into my former or even current work life in the future…BORING!
I had a good email chat with my former boss and it was known by my former boss that I never got a chance to say goodbye to a lot of people so I asked…should I go? My former boss thought it might be a good idea as I would probably see some people and get a chance to talk to them. Beyond that, I also had a lovely talk with my former boss and it…it just made me feel like I was “at home” again. Not that the contact was bad in any way. No, it was great! It was all just…well, again…a little shocking.
So basically, because of my exhausting day, the thoughts of my former workplace and such…I just didn’t know if I could handle going in to the “fix me up” place today. God, I can only hope I don’t break down in tears at any given moment while I am there! No, must maintain a professional demeanor at all times!
I feel so pathetic. I suppose this business is all understandable and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I am seeing Merlin #1 on Friday so talking to him about things will perhaps help? I just feel completely all spun around. I feel like, again, some coping skills are going down the toilet.
I’ve got to get my shit together. I’ve got to find a fucking job! Perhaps I should just keep forcing myself to keep going to “fix me up” place. Use that as my routine, the stability that I’ve always needed.
Today, though? What the fuck has happened? I’m just a complete wreck. And I just popped a goddamn Valium/Diazepam to maybe settle me? My moods are all well, not good, my stomach is hurting, I’m completely discombobulated in my thinking processes. I mean, how long has it even taken me to put together this post (barring a couple of tea breaks–and I want another right now as I’m still not done proofing this.)
I’m just sitting here not being able to stand myself right now! I want so much to kick my brain into action, maybe not high gear just yet but I can’t. Something feels broken but not the entire thing. No. All of my money is on the Amygdala in my Limbic System (oddly enough neuro thought I had problems there anyway…) as I’m all flipped out and scared and freaking. Also, absolutely my Frontal Lobes because I can’t think straight at all.
…continuing on with the metaphor, no, staying at home today. I feel very tired and overwhelmed. Also I got some…well…correspondences that made me feel kind of…
…well, they caused flares. They exacerbated the injuries. As such, I feel I need to stay home, yes. Even if it makes me feel sicker…in a different way? In the same way?
It is not really a problem administratively, for I left a voicemail. It’s more the fact that…
…I need to go to hospital. If I don’t, I won’t heal. Even if I do go to hospital…even still, I may not heal.
PA tired…should not talk anymore.
So, I found a…well, let’s call it a sort of “Professional Hospital.” They scan you, look for broken bones, internal injuries…they do psychological testing, I think as well? Maybe just about everything any hospital would do? They even seem to have an Emergency/A&E department of sorts?
They have a relatively decent Surgical Department as far as I can tell? I just went inpatient today, actually. However after my assessment, I will only be going to hospital on an outpatient basis. I am quite knackered.
Of course! Why else would one go to hospital? You only go to any hospital when you are sick!
I think I will be outpatient for a while. Longer than any time I have been in hospital. We all know that going to hospital either inpatient or outpatient sucks rocks but when we need to go, we need to go.
I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night as I knew I had to go to hospital today. I spent a lot of time there. I am going back to hospital tomorrow and then I suppose my assessments will continue. I will be constantly monitored. I guess that is a good thing? There is some home care available to me as well, I believe. Yes…perhaps?
I know I already made a post for today but this is important information you should all know. I opened one of my Medscape emails and it was addressed to:
“Dr. PAs Last Name”
I am quite pleased that Medscape has recognised all of my hard work over the years and I have finally earned my qualifications.
I am now available for any online consults. If you require any medication refills or new prescriptions based upon your consultations and further appointments should I take you on as a patient, all payments shall be done via PayPal.
If you do not have a PayPal account, certified cheques will also be accepted. At a later date, after my earnings reach a suitable level via my online practice (as this is the Internet and the entire world is capable of finding me now as a physician) wire transfers to my Swiss bank account shall be accepted as well. I suspect my earnings to be of substantial growth potential, both again, due to the Internet and also all of my hard work over the years.
Please do not hesitate to email me with any of your medical problems or concerns. I practise not only within the fields of Psychiatry, Neurology and Gastroenterology but all other areas of medicine as well.