Archive for May 5th, 2008


Well, to start I had a very near miss with the hugest amount of bird shit outside today. No. It was probably the largest amount of flying faeces I have ever seen. I have actually had a bird (well, two?) crap on me twice. The first was square on the top of my head and the second (more disgustingly) was on the front, all over my sunglasses and almost in my right eye and my mouth. Blech.

They say it is supposed to be good luck. I am still awaiting my ship (both…) to come sailing in.

So, depressed, depressed, depressed.

At least I made it out of bed to go see Merlin #1. The appt. was not as stellar as last time but whatever. Excuse me if I repeat something you may have read in a comment I made on another post to sodajerk but I will elaborate more as it was something covered in our last appt. and in today’s.

I seem to be stuck in an odd form of “inertia.” Although some physicists may look at PA and shake their heads. But bear with me. If you can imagine my mental illness as a form of motion–even if it paralyses me at times–it is a form of motion. It can cause me to be spinny, anxious, confused, hyper…you get it. If we were to box up all of those different “forms” of motion and label them simply as the mental illness/es, that is my “straight line.” Now with my current situation, I feel compelled to “do” something about it. That is then the force that sends me off into another direction. Of course, the mental illness component comes back and I go off into another direction.

And on and on and on.

Now that may not be exactly right but it’s close?

Regardless, it’s fucking me up. There are things I want to do, things I feel I need to do but how the hell can I do those when I can’t even get my laundry done? I haven’t even unpacked all of my shit from work as I don’t feel I can even look at it, not to mention the fact that it also feels like an insurmountable task in the motivation department. See laundry comment, above.

So on the way home, I picked up my scripts. I now have a month’s supply of Valium/Diazepam b.i.d.! Whee! And hey, if I only take them q.d. that’s two months! Good lord. Am I now developing a lovely dependency on Valium? Well, PAs anxiety isn’t exactly pretty these days. I also got an order put in for Tantum/Benzydamine. Now, if you ever have a wickedly sore throat, get your hands on this stuff if you can! It is the best. It’s this green, almost iridescent gargle (but DON’T swallow it…ewww!…barf and not good for you!) However, it works so well. I bought another case of Ensure as I needed more of that.

I also stopped off and sat on a patio and had some beer and thought about how drinking really isn’t good for me and I should not be doing it. I know. Actually, I’ve had conversations with people while drinking about alcoholism, addiction and just how disastrous it is.

“Ugh. Drinking. When you have a problem with it. It’s just so awful.”

“Oh, I know! I’ve got to stop. I really do…”

“Me too. It’s fucking up my life. Bad.”

“Yeah. The things I’ve done…and now?”

“Fuck. I’ve got to quit. It’s getting out of control.”

“You and me both.”

“Want another and we can talk some more about it?”

“Okay, sure.”

*PA rolls eyes*

I came home and took a shower. I thought that might relax me a bit. I was going to say, score a point for self care but I guess the beer drinking kind of nixed that. And I haven’t had anything to eat today so now I’m definitely in the red.

Merlin #1 asked how my appetite is and it’s fine…yes? He also followed up with another good one: am I enjoying my food, liking the taste? That’s actually a pretty cool question for someone who feels like shit and may not want to eat. I said I was. Food still tasted fine. We did a weigh in as well. I still seem to be floating somewhere between 100lbs.-90lbs. so that is good.

I also saw my hairdresser while I was out. Great guy. Brit. ex-pat and we sit around drinking lots of tea when I come in for my appts. I told him “the sitch” and that I was way overdue for a cut. And that we might need to try something else. Not that my style isn’t bad. But that I was considering an entire makeover. Well, certainly a significant one. Yes, I think I am going to femme myself up a bit–for sure. That will be a little bit of torture, though. PA loathes shopping.

Well, I guess that’s it. I really hope I feel better soon. I’m a compulsive list maker so I feel I need to start doing that and just bloody, well, dammit try and get things in order. Argh.