Archive for May 11th, 2008

You know, this weekend was supposed to be some time for me to try and get my shit together. Get moving. Not so much. I think it would be lovely to say that my meds aren’t working but meds are not a/the magic bullet/s. No, this is all about me. Isn’t it great to speak about yourself in such a grandiose and egotistical manner? How unfortunate that it is under such negative circumstances…

I am so exhausted that I can barely write this post. Which again necessitates that I will need to return to everyone’s comments later. I apologise for they were all good…no, great. They always are.

Things need to stop here. The cuttings, indeed, no matter how hard that may be but they are not helping the situation. Alcohol consumption–no brainer? At least not to excess, as we always say, when it is so bad for us (especially in excess?)

Ah, the cuttings…the coping mechanisms…grab an ice cube and squeeze it, start snapping yourself hard with an elastic band, count to 10 or 10,000 if you have to, find any kind of diversion… This is tremendously difficult. And of course my cutting/s was/were not severe. Not bad enough to need medical attention. Although for the life of me I can not find any kind of decent tape that will affix itself properly to my skin! That being said, perhaps I should not buy any more? No more cuttings? Still, every responsible cutter is always “prepared,” as morbid as that sounds.

P. who I met in hospital called today. We were supposed to go out last weekend but he flaked as I never heard from him. Silence=unwellness. Then, we were supposed to go out today. He never called again yesterday so silence=unwellness? True, it did but he called today. My turn to flake although I did speak to him.

I ‘fessed up to what I did. He asked if I had been speaking to Merlin #1 about these issues. I told him that I had not. After they are done, I do feel pissed off with myself, frustrated, disappointed–all of that. I am quite sure that other cutters (or anyone who practises self harm in any form) can relate. However, I look at it as a “blip on the radar” and simply move on. I do not know if that is irresponsible. And yet, what exactly is the “answer?” The “treatment,” per se?

I have gone for long periods of not cutting. I have gone through long periods of simply not wanting to–even if there has been a huge trigger thrown my way. My moods have just gone crazy but I have never felt the urge to cut.

So what is my solution? Sheer will? Just fight and fend off the urges as strongly as I can?

I am going to try and do something productive now. Perhaps it will make me feel a bit better. I don’t know. Perhaps I will just sit here and do nothing, wait until it’s time to go to bed just like the other day. But if I do something, maybe an activity not even related to my future tasks.  That might just give me a tiny break from the stress of it all.

Again, I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks.