Archive for May 13th, 2008


I remember in a comment to sodajerk, I said that I would know(?) when it was time to make a move? A move?

I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a chess match, staring at the board, completely not knowing my next “move.” The little clock beside me with my button is still ticking. In fact, my opponent has long left the table…what…an hour ago? I think I’m just about ready to leave the table too! Forget it. One more move and then I am leaving the table. I lift a lowly pawn and move it just one step ahead to another tiny square. That’s me. The pawn. I get up and walk away.

Funny. I can’t even remember how to play chess now. Non-bio dad taught PA how to play when she was very young. When she was about 11 or 12, she had two other boys in her class and instead of playing with the other kids during “recess” or short breaks from class, PA and her other two male cohorts would climb atop this wooden…well, climby thing and PA would pull out this chess set non-bio dad had given her and she would play with them.

Yes. PA was born a geek. I should try and learn to play again?

This is not like when I was in hospital a little over a year ago. Then, I had my job and I could take all the time I needed in order to get well. Now, I can’t afford to take my time. Everything…everything is time sensitive.

“Time sensitive.” Don’t you love that expression? And all the rest of “Business Speak” or “Corporate Lingo” or whatever the hell you call it? Oh, some of it makes me laugh so hard. But, “Time Sensitive…” Isn’t everything in the world sensitive?! But things are really “Time Sensitive” for PA right now!

It’s been a little over a month, so has the mourning period passed? Perhaps. Or at least the worst of it.

I did a lot of thinking yesterday. That last post I put up…a weekend blowout? Well, it was. I got piss-faced wasted Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. Yes, all three. A full-on, weekend bender. And then, there have been two cuttings since all of this went down. Okay. The fucking mourning period IS OVER. Even if I am sitting here writing this up in a pub having a pint or two. But it’s a celebratory? Because I’m moving on?

I also spent all of today thinking of what I am going to do. Several things. As simultaneously as I can. I am still scared completely out of my wits and I know that will not change throughout this entire process but that does not mean that I can continue to sit and rot away in my flat living in that fear. The fear will not go away no matter what I do and I have to DO what I have to DO. The longer I put things off (and I am the worst procrastinator on the planet) things will not change. And this is something that I really can not afford to let sit–for too long–or too much longer.

I had to make a very important phone call today. Something to get the ball rolling although I have no idea where the hell the ball is going to go. If I’m going to kick it out into the middle of the street and it will get run over by a car? If I’ll pump it up with air but it will hit a nail and totally deflate? Then, maybe I’ll buy a new ball and it will have a hole in it and deflate too?

I’m seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow so I’m quite sure that will help. Maybe he can “inflate” me so I won’t have to worry about “my balls” *PA laughs* Or even all of my plates spinning in the air.

I emailed a friend I hadn’t talked to in a while and he called me back so we talked. He lives in a bit of a posh area and it’s funny as they have a second hand store nearby. Due to that fact, all the “richies” drop off the clothes they get sick of after two weeks and you can find some awesome stuff there!

I don’t know if they’re even in business anymore but years ago, I got this immaculate Ports International, charcoal gray, double breasted jacket for…what? $6CDN?!?! I mean, come on! So, we’re going to get together and go “shopping!” There’s also another decent second hand place near me. My neighbourhood isn’t exactly “posh” but certainly quite decent.

I went out today and bought a whole whack of garbage bags to clean my closet of shit that doesn’t fit me anymore. I’ll only hang on to the schmatte that I love dearly.

Oh, yes. I also stopped by to visit my hair stylist. We had a little chat about just what we could do. I am always so hesitant to try something new! When I do…it just doesn’t turn out! He didn’t have any customers at the time so we discussed his thoughts about my face, my glasses (even though I could still revert back to contacts but I didn’t bother mentioning this.) I also told him I look terrible with bangs so they were automatically out! He agreed…no…no bangs…wouldn’t suit.

He suggested something but I am so terrible visually. I’ll have to get him to explain again but I trust him. I’ll have to? Well, I guess I don’t have to. We could just do the same thing as I’ve always done but no, I really want something different.

And no. We’re not getting rid of my gray. I’m sticking to my guns, my credo, ever since it started coming in in my middle to late 20s. My appointment is on Thursday afternoon *laughing*

So, considering this is all about time, I will leave you with some John Milton. I hope this isn’t too long and hasn’t been for you to read but this poem I feel is perfect for this post.

On Time by John Milton

Fly envious Time, till thou run out thy race,
Call on the lazy leaden-stepping hours,
Whose speed is but the heavy Plummet’s pace;
And glut thy self with what thy womb devours,
Which is no more than what is false and vain,
And merely mortal dross;
So little is our loss,
So little is thy gain.
For when as each thing bad thou hast entomb’d,
And last of all, thy greedy self consum’d,
Then long Eternity shall greet our bliss
With an individual kiss;
And Joy shall overtake us as a flood,
When every thing that is sincerely good
And perfectly divine,
With Truth, and Peace, and Love shall ever shine
About the supreme Throne
Of him, t’whose happy-making sight alone,
When once our heav’nly-guided soul shall climb,
Then all this Earthy grossness quit,
Attir’d with Stars, we shall for ever sit,
Triumphing over Death, and Chance, and thee O Time.