Archive for May 21st, 2008


Depressive, Crashy Crashy yesterday.  One of those “didn’t want to get out of bed all day’ers.”  You probably wouldn’t have known from my blog.  The clothing post and all of that.

I did get out of bed (finally.)  With great resistance and strength to beat that resistance, I took my meds.  I know.  Ever have one of those Depressive, Crashy Crashies where you don’t even give a shit about your meds? That is not like PA.  She is completely med compliant.

So after finally getting up and having some tea, making her blog post, responding v…e…r…y s…l…o…w…l…y to some emails (or was it the other way around (?) it was maybe early evening time.  By all accounts, suitably a decent enough time to crawl back into bed.  Early enough to take sleepy meds? Sure, why not? You don’t want to be awake and face the world, anyway.

I slept for about…well, less than two hours or so.  Damn.  I can’t sleep.  ADD “Buzzy Brain,” I call it.  Oh, wait…raging insomnia on it’s way.

I started to feel incredibly restless, anxious.  Oh, please…please do not let me start heading into Mixed State Land.  I really don’t think I can deal with this right now.  That last sentence sounds so funny, doesn’t it? Like a Mixed State is just such an “inconvenience.”  Like your mother calling you on the telephone while you are trying to make dinner.

I wasn’t sure so I popped a Valium/Diazepam to hopefully ward of anything coming in my direction.  Still unable to sleep I decided to watch some television.  The clock ticked away…closer to a more appropriate bedtime? I still was still not sleepy so some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate to do the job? That can usually knock me out.

Nope.  I felt a bit more relaxed, to be sure but…  Hell! I packed everything in! I still have some of my Imovane/Zopiclone hanging around but PA! Let’s not go overboard! At least the Gravol is OTC!

So, I tried to go bed and sleep anyway.  They say that if you can’t sleep and it’s insomnia central, get up and out of bed and do something a bit relaxing and not too stimulating for a short while.  No…to depressed to care to, thank you very much.

I don’t know what time it was when I finally did manage to achieve my broken, fitful sleep.  There are too many things on my mind right now regarding finding work.  The clock is ticking there too.  I am extremely frightened of the future.  I am extremely uncomfortable and agitated.  I am trying to do things that will occupy my mind and time.  There is something coming up…I am currently awaiting a telephone call.  I have found a place that can offer me some assistance in my searching and some other things but that still does not calm me.  In fact, it makes me more frightened and agitated!

But it must be done.  Everything must be done.

I still feel like shit today.  Come on phone, ring! There is nothing like waiting for a phone call that already has you freaking out and you just have to sit and sit and wait.  It just compounds things.

Fuck me all to hell.