Archive for May 28th, 2008

Emotional lability time! Should I just sit here all day and…well, it’s night now and see where my emotions take me? Just puke all over my blog until I am more of an empty vessel than I may already be? I dare not say the “C” word right now.  No, no…people! Not that “C” word.  Get out of the gutter; you’re crowding me!

“C” as in cycling.  I think I am just frustrated? Am I actually bordering on angry? That bizarre emotion and/or feeling that PA just doesn’t “get?”

Another thing that has been driving me bonkers and even keeping me awake at night (among other things of course with my stupid ADD “buzzy brain”) is that I have been thinking of my FOAD.  Yes, the friend that gave me the Grand Piss Off a few months ago.  I had sort of reconciled it in my mind that…well, I guess that’s that! It certainly stinks to be sure, but cast out in the freezing cold I was.  Perhaps it was for the best.

Well, now in the midst of “life hell,” here I am thinking of that friendship.  It is gone, I know.  But what if it wasn’t? It would be another means of support? Support=Good right now?

I don’t want to think of my FOAD friend.  The whole issue confuses me.  There are so many goddamn reasons, for no relationship with any human being is ever simple.  In fact, they are always complex and at times, I just want to cast aside the entire human race and become a complete hermit.  That is neither realistic, nor possible, however.

Part of me says the way I was treated was like shit and yet, I would never turn my FOAD away should that friend come back.  Nope.  Never burn bridges is PAs philosophy and in speaking to others, that apparently is a rare philosophy to behold.  Many people say that when they get a FOAD (and maybe one as brutal as I did?) it’s goodbye, good riddance.

That is not to say I am wishing for my FOAD to come back.  I’m not pining away saying, “Oh…FOAD…I am indeed in “life hell! Please, please…I wish you were here!” And yet.  Why the hell are you on my mind so bloody much.  Get out of my head.  I have enough problems already.  Like the aforementioned gutter, there is no more room.  You are taking up space for all of the other issues that are causing me to go mental.

I grow weary of people saying all of the business of other people coming into your life for this reason and that, for this duration and that.  It doesn’t mean that I want them to shut their gobs when they express such sentiments and statements.  They’re probably fucking right and I am just too stupid to get it! No, PA is too loyal.  PA will put up with all the crap.  PA will apologise for the problems caused, even if she didn’t cause them or is/was the one to blame.  Cheese and Rice! At the very least, it takes two to tango, right?

That’s why as said above: Part of me says the way I was treated was like shitI think deep down I know that I was but I refuse to admit it.  And that’s a really shitty position to be in.

It’s been this way all of my life.  Again, “Childhood Trauma Dramarama.”  Not to be dismissive of the fact.  ‘Tis true.  However, not everyone who goes through childhood trauma ends up like PA.  With more “shit” talk, one of my favourite expressions is: “…wouldn’t say shit with a mouth full of it.”  Yep.  Describes me pretty well.

I don’t like this, “Things happen for a reason…” business either.  What reason would that be? Care to explain? Well, I “guess” we could all hazard a guess? In the end, in our ultimately, veiled wisdom, are we comforted that we have explained it to ourselves? Just write it off to whatever explanation that we choose to use? I’m sorry.  Doesn’t wash.

Perhaps I am complicating things as I am wont to do.  Which brings us back to those pesky humans.  Are there ever really any explanations with them?

*PA rubs ears to see if they’re growing pointy into Spock shape*

Damn.  Not yet.

I know I have problems letting go with all the childhood trauma business.  Abandonment issues.  A lot of us mentalists have these issues and problems with abandonment.  In spending a lot of time thinking about my FOAD…well, I might be straddling the fence on some issues.  Still trying to wade my way out of denial due to the abandonment garbage and yet also feeling that it was for the best?

Still, get out of my head FOAD.  I know I can’t turn off my brain but I’ve got to get you out of my head.  Maybe some thoughts of you can come back when I get things sorted out in my life.  And maybe then it will go back to how I was thinking of you before.  Back to a place where I had sort of reconciled the notion that “perhaps” it was for the best.

Alright, then. Let’s clear up the metaphors and let me get some (I won’t get into all of the stuff that comes out of your ass anymore) out of my system. ‘Nuff said there and about bodily functions in that area in my comment sections/preceding posts?

So yesterday, I went to the job “fix me up, dust me off” sort of place that I stumbled upon. Indeed, it was truly exhausting. A couple of reasons? Now how’s this for a nice start to it all? I was anxious as all hell, not only because of my current situation, so I got very little sleep the night before. Another reason? I went to set my alarm clock and bloody hell? I discovered it was broken! OMG! OMG! OMG! My only recourse was to rely upon my mobile. I set the alarm and then realised that it only had one little battery cell left. OMG! OMG! OMG! I mean, it was time for me to go to bed! I didn’t have time to even attempt to charge it because I didn’t even have any alarm to get me up to make sure it had enough charge to make sure the alarm on it would go off!!!

Fucking Keystone Cops with my clocks or what???

I called ex-partner. She could give me a wake up call before leaving for work, right? Definitely a good idea. I couldn’t reach her so I just left a message. (Aside: she sent me a text the next day and I found out that she is now on vacation and out of the country anyway! Granted she could have called me from her mobile but obviously she didn’t get the message on her home phone until later.)

So, I finally get to sleep but I keep waking up and looking at the time on my bed side clock (at least THAT was still working on the damn thing) and picking up my mobile, almost cradling it like it was my newborn child! Good grief. Well, my mobile’s little alarm clock went off and I was fine.

Okay. Get up, shower, do my hair *rolls eyes* and select appropriate business suit. Check time. Enough for public transit and to not be late? Being Ms. ADD girl, sometimes an issue? And all AD(H)D’ers know this.  Time escapes us so lateness can certainly be a problem…? No worries.  I made it in fine time.  Maybe my Biphentin has been doing me some good in this area?

The day was long.  And with it being my first day, I knew not what to expect! Granted, with getting up so early and dressed all fancy, it almost felt like I was going to work.  That’s kind of a good thing? Still, it just seemed all weird and not knowing anything about anything there; it was a lot to take in.

The woman I dealt with was very nice and even though I agreed to come back in today, she understood that everything was overwhelming, tough to lose a job and all of that (I think we’ve covered that enough, right?) So, she said that if I felt that I couldn’t, it was fine.  Okay.  I called and left a message last night to be courteous and professional, of course.  Still, I felt like a failure and…oh, here we go…a piece of shit.

Now, there was something else that kind of added to it.  I said I wasn’t going to blog anymore about my former workplace and have I blogged about my job here? Really? Why the hell would I? For one, this blog is anonymous and secondly…my job? BORING! I suppose a third reason is that even though I write about my personal life at times, the primary focus is about stuff going on in my/your/peoples’ head(s.)

Anyway, I checked my personal email address and there was a note from my former company about a work function.  Huh? I mean, it really knocked me for six!

I immediately emailed my former boss and asked, “What’s this all about?” To make a “short story long,” it was explained that I was still invited even though I no longer worked there.  Again…no point in getting into my former or even current work life in the future…BORING!

I had a good email chat with my former boss and it was known by my former boss that I never got a chance to say goodbye to a lot of people so I asked…should I go? My former boss thought it might be a good idea as I would probably see some people and get a chance to talk to them.  Beyond that, I also had a lovely talk with my former boss and it…it just made me feel like I was “at home” again.  Not that the contact was bad in any way.  No, it was great! It was all just…well, again…a little shocking.

So basically, because of my exhausting day, the thoughts of my former workplace and such…I just didn’t know if I could handle going in to the “fix me up” place today.  God, I can only hope I don’t break down in tears at any given moment while I am there! No, must maintain a professional demeanor at all times!

I feel so pathetic.  I suppose this business is all understandable and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.  I am seeing Merlin #1 on Friday so talking to him about things will perhaps help? I just feel completely all spun around.  I feel like, again, some coping skills are going down the toilet.

I’ve got to get my shit together.  I’ve got to find a fucking job! Perhaps I should just keep forcing myself to keep going to “fix me up” place.  Use that as my routine, the stability that I’ve always needed.

Today, though? What the fuck has happened? I’m just a complete wreck.  And I just popped a goddamn Valium/Diazepam to maybe settle me? My moods are all well, not good, my stomach is hurting, I’m completely discombobulated in my thinking processes.  I mean, how long has it even taken me to put together this post (barring a couple of tea breaks–and I want another right now as I’m still not done proofing this.)

I’m just sitting here not being able to stand myself right now! I want so much to kick my brain into action, maybe not high gear just yet but I can’t.  Something feels broken but not the entire thing.  No.  All of my money is on the Amygdala in my Limbic System (oddly enough neuro thought I had problems there anyway…) as I’m all flipped out and scared and freaking.  Also, absolutely my Frontal Lobes because I can’t think straight at all.

…continuing on with the metaphor, no, staying at home today.  I feel very tired and overwhelmed.   Also I got some…well…correspondences that made me feel kind of…

…well, they caused flares. They exacerbated the injuries. As such, I feel I need to stay home, yes. Even if it makes me feel sicker…in a different way? In the same way?

It is not really a problem administratively, for I left a voicemail. It’s more the fact that…

…I need to go to hospital. If I don’t, I won’t heal. Even if I do go to hospital…even still, I may not heal.

PA tired…should not talk anymore.