And Another Thing!

Emotional lability time! Should I just sit here all day and…well, it’s night now and see where my emotions take me? Just puke all over my blog until I am more of an empty vessel than I may already be? I dare not say the “C” word right now.  No, no…people! Not that “C” word.  Get out of the gutter; you’re crowding me!

“C” as in cycling.  I think I am just frustrated? Am I actually bordering on angry? That bizarre emotion and/or feeling that PA just doesn’t “get?”

Another thing that has been driving me bonkers and even keeping me awake at night (among other things of course with my stupid ADD “buzzy brain”) is that I have been thinking of my FOAD.  Yes, the friend that gave me the Grand Piss Off a few months ago.  I had sort of reconciled it in my mind that…well, I guess that’s that! It certainly stinks to be sure, but cast out in the freezing cold I was.  Perhaps it was for the best.

Well, now in the midst of “life hell,” here I am thinking of that friendship.  It is gone, I know.  But what if it wasn’t? It would be another means of support? Support=Good right now?

I don’t want to think of my FOAD friend.  The whole issue confuses me.  There are so many goddamn reasons, for no relationship with any human being is ever simple.  In fact, they are always complex and at times, I just want to cast aside the entire human race and become a complete hermit.  That is neither realistic, nor possible, however.

Part of me says the way I was treated was like shit and yet, I would never turn my FOAD away should that friend come back.  Nope.  Never burn bridges is PAs philosophy and in speaking to others, that apparently is a rare philosophy to behold.  Many people say that when they get a FOAD (and maybe one as brutal as I did?) it’s goodbye, good riddance.

That is not to say I am wishing for my FOAD to come back.  I’m not pining away saying, “Oh…FOAD…I am indeed in “life hell! Please, please…I wish you were here!” And yet.  Why the hell are you on my mind so bloody much.  Get out of my head.  I have enough problems already.  Like the aforementioned gutter, there is no more room.  You are taking up space for all of the other issues that are causing me to go mental.

I grow weary of people saying all of the business of other people coming into your life for this reason and that, for this duration and that.  It doesn’t mean that I want them to shut their gobs when they express such sentiments and statements.  They’re probably fucking right and I am just too stupid to get it! No, PA is too loyal.  PA will put up with all the crap.  PA will apologise for the problems caused, even if she didn’t cause them or is/was the one to blame.  Cheese and Rice! At the very least, it takes two to tango, right?

That’s why as said above: Part of me says the way I was treated was like shitI think deep down I know that I was but I refuse to admit it.  And that’s a really shitty position to be in.

It’s been this way all of my life.  Again, “Childhood Trauma Dramarama.”  Not to be dismissive of the fact.  ‘Tis true.  However, not everyone who goes through childhood trauma ends up like PA.  With more “shit” talk, one of my favourite expressions is: “…wouldn’t say shit with a mouth full of it.”  Yep.  Describes me pretty well.

I don’t like this, “Things happen for a reason…” business either.  What reason would that be? Care to explain? Well, I “guess” we could all hazard a guess? In the end, in our ultimately, veiled wisdom, are we comforted that we have explained it to ourselves? Just write it off to whatever explanation that we choose to use? I’m sorry.  Doesn’t wash.

Perhaps I am complicating things as I am wont to do.  Which brings us back to those pesky humans.  Are there ever really any explanations with them?

*PA rubs ears to see if they’re growing pointy into Spock shape*

Damn.  Not yet.

I know I have problems letting go with all the childhood trauma business.  Abandonment issues.  A lot of us mentalists have these issues and problems with abandonment.  In spending a lot of time thinking about my FOAD…well, I might be straddling the fence on some issues.  Still trying to wade my way out of denial due to the abandonment garbage and yet also feeling that it was for the best?

Still, get out of my head FOAD.  I know I can’t turn off my brain but I’ve got to get you out of my head.  Maybe some thoughts of you can come back when I get things sorted out in my life.  And maybe then it will go back to how I was thinking of you before.  Back to a place where I had sort of reconciled the notion that “perhaps” it was for the best.


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