Archive for May 29th, 2008


Okay. I’m not sure what happened last night. Did we have another little spin around the Ultradian Cycling Dance Floor? Or did I throw some kind of tantrum like a toddler at the checkout counter when their parents refuse to buy them some candy? Well, I’m not really prone to tantrums and outbursts, that’s for sure. Too much stress got the better of me? Some wacky Bipolar mood shifty-shifty? I’m still feeling a little “spinny” today.

Rather a bit of a posting spree too. I pretty much expected no comments but that is fine. That can tend to happen when I (may) start to go off the deep end. I start to spew forth quite a bit on my blog. Not to worry–no hurt feelings. I think no one knows what on earth to say, really! Other than perhaps in their heads: ‘Oh, here we go! PA’s losing it again!’

Well, it’s a new day. Alright, after some sleep it is. Although, oddly (again, who knows what was going on) when I went outside to listen to the birds before retiring, one seemed to be chirping a little too loudly for my ears. My face got a little twitchy and I started to feel a bit altered. It didn’t last long but I can’t tell you exactly.

Did I have a Simple Partial Seizure? I can’t say for sure but I would only mention anything to neuro if I had another Complex Partial. Or if I started having a whole whack of Simple Partials. That may sound irresponsible but since I’m already on a whole bunch of Anticonvulsants, an isolated Simple Partial in my mind should not merit any major concern–especially if I’m not even sure I had one–which may be indicative that I did? Sounds a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? However, since the Simple Partials have been managed for so long and the one Complex Partial is obviously more serious, that would be more of an issue? Again, unless I started Simple Partialing all over the place.

I can’t speak for everyone who has Epilepsy or a Seizure Disorder but from those that I have spoken to, they generally tend to handle it in a manner of their choosing. Sort of a comfort zone of their own. They know how it works for them as they have usually lived with it for a while.

A perfect example may be, should a person seize in public and an ambulance be called, if the person is not injured they may just simply want to go home and speak to their neuro about it. Whether they are taken to hospital is another matter. However, if you have a Tonic-clonic you can be pretty damn out of it when you’re Postictal and not be making any sense. You can even be combative so the paramedics may/will (?) just cart you away anyway. Still, the person won’t be admitted as it is a chronic condition and what is the point? They may just remain in hospital until they are a bit more “with it” and then be sent home…and follow up with their neuro as they see fit.

Actually, I had a version of basically Simple Partial Status Epilepticus (well, I believe it was as I rotted away in hospital and I was not dx’d at the time.) But boy does it sure fit the description! And in reading, you can have a Type I which is a non-progressive form. Oh, man! It was nuts.

It started like this and progressed in about…15 to 20 minutes or so: rapid eye blinking, facial twitching, all the way down to my mouth, mouth paralysis–therefore, tongue hanging out of mouth–drooling, due to the paralysis, motor aphasia although consciousness preserved, full on wicked neck and shoulder twitching and jerking–SO painful–and finally, jerking all the way down my right arm to my wrist/hand.

“Status” with any seizure means it’s basically prolonged–way longer than it should be and that is when you need to go to hospital. Especially if it’s a Complex Partial or a bloody Tonic-clonic. The latter? You could die. Even the former is not good either because your consciousness is lost with it as well as a Tonic-clonic. So major medical attention needed! And fast!

Mine lasted for HOURS. No, it was ridiculous. I had to try and write and communicate with my left hand as I am right handed and I swear, the jerks, twitches, spasms (basically mycolonus as it is called) were incredibly painful. I have never felt such bodily force like that in my life. It is amazing just how violent seizures can be and that was probably nothing compared to some other peoples’ out there.

Anyway, no work up. Just some simple neuro exercises and I was released. But exhausted and a bit loopy, again, being Postictal.

Sorry. Seizure chat diversion… I told you, I’m kind of out of it. Back to “life stuff.”

Ex-partner sent me a text a couple of hours after I fell asleep. I sent her one around midnight as I just needed someone to talk to. Again, she is out of the country on vacation. We went back and forth a bit. I ended it by saying roughly, “…you go back to your vacation and having fun. I’ll text you when the next crisis happens.”

Good lord.

“…my family and friends, are blowing in the wind…” Well, ex-partner is good but she is usually so busy with work.

Filmmaker’s been pretty good, actually. Normally she is so unreliable! Well, has been in the past! Still, she has two kids so that of course keeps her busy! We are still trying to get together but it shall happen.

Speaking of “getting together,” let’s put a wee “it” in the middle, shall we? No more fooling around! I know. How many times have I said that?! No, really. The clock is ticking.

I need to somehow find a balance between not pushing myself too hard so I don’t throw myself over edge and yet I can accomplish all I need to do! How well can all relate to that one, right? So, I’m working at it today. Trying to do all that I can. Trying to climb back up on the horse or a Shetland pony or some animal that will help me along.

I am seeing Merlin #1 tomorrow. Normally I am not all that keen to see him unless we really need to sort out my meds but no…I think I really need to talk to him. That is very rare for me as you all know (or if you don’t) I have great trouble with any kind of “talk therapy.” I feel like I’m slipping and I know I am struggling.


Well, I managed to pull my all nighter. I wasn’t sure I would…could…should…do it? Put all of those is any order you choose. Roll the dice. At this moment, I am so beyond the point of caring in so many ways. Other than the point of…job…job…job…

Unfortunately, that might do me in. But let’s not go there, right?

I have always had this unbelievable fear of being destitute. I think after all of these years, I have finally figured out why. My mother was obsessed with money. Not about having it or being rich. No, nothing like that. She was a “penny pincher” and could stretch a dollar like you couldn’t imagine!

She was a complete contrast to non-bio dad, the total opposite, where money would slip through his fingers like pure water.

I remember rhyming of the “Weekly Grocery List” with my mother. She had everything all written out that we needed to buy and I would rhyme it off. She would write it down…yes…no…as I would read it off the list. As the years went on, the exact same list that never was rewritten grew tattered and torn. It was in her handwriting and on purple paper.

I’m sure that exact list is long gone but another one in a similar incarnation exists. Oh, yes. Absolutely.

I’m not that tired, actually. I seem to have found this somewhat, small reserve of energy from somewhere. I need it. Badly. The only problem is, it’s not enough for all that I need to do for tomorrow. That being said, I probably do need to sleep. Now that the sun is starting to rise…do I dare to put my head to pillow?

Well, without my sleep meds I may not be so knocked out. I may just have a…rest? Or a bit of a sleep? Or well I might need them considering I have found this energy reserve…ironically considering I felt like I was about to die about 12 hours or so ago.

Or, realistically as a chronic insomniac, even though I feel like I should “take a nap” I may not be able to anyway. I may need meds to put my head to pillow nonetheless. Trying to think…perhaps some sleep would be good?

This feeling…a microcosmic version of the destitution above. I have had it over and over again. It is very, very bad when I am severely depressed. You do not want to go to sleep because you do not want to face the next day.

EDIT: I missed the sunrise while typing this up but I guess I’ll go and listen to the birds sing.  I am feeling a little of the…above.  Not wanting to face tomorrow but it is tomorrow.  Or today.  Or…well, fuck.  You get it.

So, my beloved Tallis has come up on my iTunes while I am typing this.  That is soothing and might set my head to rest? I can actually start to feel my shoulders and neck ache.

Okay.  A step outside.  Some refreshing water.  A cigarette and then a bit of a lie down.

Shit.


There’s been so much going on that this post has been slipping my mind. Sitting on the back burner. Does anyone out there remember “The Cesspool?” One of PAs neighbourhood pubs? The one where she was barred…banned…? Oh, that’s right! Wee PA, 90lb./7 stone or so…throwing around the bar stools! Tossing the pint glasses at peoples’ heads! Either empty or full of beer?

Shit, what else is she capable of in a pub? That fucking raucous and riotous PA!

That’s not what happened. No.

It took me a long time to write it out as it hurt a lot so this is what basically happened. It’s not pretty. In fact, it was embarrassing, ugly, shocking, frightening…and yes…I handled it but shit. Again. I was completely devastated.

Not that this is some grand, beholden pub of the neighbourhood. Actually…”Cesspool” kind of fits after all was said and done. It is a kind of…rough…”unruly” place? Not that there were actually barstools or pint glasses being thrown around. And it doesn’t look that bad. However, I was told by several people that I was rather brave to come in as a woman.

Now what the fuck does that mean? I’m sorry, what age are we living in? True, the pub population was and is definitely in the male majority. Nonetheless, that will not stop PA from entering ANY space. I apologise, but fuck.you.men.

At least in that kind of arena or context. You all know I don’t practise any bias of any kind. NEVER.

Alright, skipping ahead. I was walking down the street some night a while ago and all of the sudden, the owner of “Cesspool,” D., gives me a huge hug and tells me to come in for a drink! I “reminded” him that he banned me and he said, “Oh, forget about that! Don’t worry!”

Erm…

I’ve been in a few times. Nothing has changed. It’s still a wreck.

He needs to be on meds more than I do. No, seriously. I popped over there tonight and he decided to do some “construction” on a seating area before last call and brought out a Buzzsaw! Hi! Safety??? Drunken patrons and you’re pulling a Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

If you read the link above (although it is long) I was labelled insane?

I heard all of this bullshit later, due to the Police that showed up (again read the link) and maybe to a lesser extent Paramedics. They had a lot of liquor violations and such. But that wasn’t what happened!

Read the link…

Mental Mommy and my sister that somehow didn’t help…?

I was so surprised to be “allowed” to enter the “Cesspool” again but maybe it’s no wonder? The lunatics are running the asylum as they say?