Archive for May, 2008

Well…okay…yes. I will say, yes. More so than in years!

How many sideway glances? I do not know. PA has no sense of herself or how she is perceived by people. Although, there was one older man that sort of leered at her and gave her the creeps. *shiver*

One thing was very interesting, however. She had to head downtown to meet someone and since the evening ran a bit longer, she couldn’t be bothered to take transit home so a taxi. At her stop, the driver immediately jumped out, almost before PA could pay him like he was her chauffeur!

Now, I don’t know if I am reading something into this incident but no taxi driver has ever gotten out of the car to open the door for PA and escorted her out of the vehicle. I’m sorry but that just doesn’t happen here!

If I am correct in my thinking, I find it rather shocking and sad. I am still a woman no matter how I dress. The fact that I had on a short skirt, “THE” boots…all the rest…should I be treated differently?


Sorry for the title of that last post, everyone. A bit cryptic about the lyrics of the song? It probably doesn’t even make sense.

Isn’t a bitch when life turns around and bites you in the ass? Well, not really turns around and bites your ass but maybe nips at your heels a bit?

So I just put up that song because I’ve been thinking to myself a little of some “reminiscences.” As such, I have come to the Grand Conclusion that:

“Women: can’t live with ’em; can’t live without ’em.”

Maybe Bill would agree with his song?

This might sound a bit of an odd statement for PA to make as she is, in fact, a woman but for at least the first portion…well, believe me, there are many a day when I can not live with myself!

So the first portion of this post title? It’s kind of like the majority of all of my relationships with women–sort of a “Who’s on First, What’s on Second…?” deal. Bill’s lyrics? Leave the young thing alone? That could/would/should be me? Except not so “young” anymore? “You, know, you know….leave it alone PA!” You’re fucking older and wiser!


Shall I dare continue? This is leading me in the direction of a post that I wasn’t sure I wanted to write. I don’t know about any other bloggers out there but when PA gets tired (and she is very tired today) her blogging becomes more open and vulnerable. She may toss up some things that she may not normally write about?

Alright. However, bear in mind that I am tired so this may not be written as well as it could have been at another time.

There are two types of women that PA is attracted to. And also, traits and characteristics are not mutually exclusive here.

The first is the type of woman that seems to possess many accomplishments that PA wishes she had achieved. All of the types of things that PA felt that she might have been able to do with her life? Things that she may have been capable of? Also, this type of woman can usually do things that PA can not do. They usually possess some kind of talent. PA has no special talent or ability in any field. PA does not wish to say that she places this type of woman on a pedestal like an idol but…well, PA can be prone to extremes.

Still, this type of woman almost seems to be so…powerful in the way they “have it all together!” Maybe in the way that they “have it all?” We all know not to judge a book by its cover, the grass is always greener, all of that stuff but these women are just so not like PA. They are usually ultra-professionals, they can juggle a million balls in the air at the same time, they are brilliant and successful. These women are also (generally) not mentally ill.

Then there are the crazies. Now, the nutcases can also be professional, successful, brilliant, talented…all of that. We know that mental illness does not discriminate. However, with the loonies, PA becomes the rescuer. She wants to save them and help them so much!

Now, with the first type of woman, is PA looking to be “rescued?” Bloody hell, get me away from Freud! Or maybe it’s just my childhood (that I had to take care of my mommy so there was no mommy for me?) Dammit! That’s early Freud with repressed thoughts and feelings!!! Nail banged squarely on PAs head re: both types of women???

A scary thought for any women out there wishing to date PA, perhaps.

So, back to the head case women, like PA. There’s an automatic bond there. A mutual understanding right from the get go. That can be very significant. It can also be and/or become really fucked. Because when you get two lunatics together in a relationship, it can turn into a veritable powder keg of emotional psychosis. Trust me. Been there, done that…self harmed over it.

Gabriel… over at …salted lithium wrote a post about Relationships: Crazy+Crazy=Insanity=Relationship Death(?) (my wording.)  This was a while back but I can’t remember the exact post, where and when it was written so here’s a link to the site in general.

It was a discussion of sorts as to whether it was possible that these relationships would work. Could they survive? My comment was that, again, from past experience rather difficult? Maybe they would not survive? However, I would not rule out the chance if I really fell for a woman who was mentally ill.

My post is more personal, however.

Oh, and before I proceed, physical attractiveness is an imperative for both of these types of women. Sorry, that may sound shallow but let’s be truthful here.

So based upon the two types of women that intoxicate (toxicate?) me so much, I often question whether or not I will have a successful relationship or a partner ever again in my life. I feel on the one hand, with the uber-successful, “Wonder Woman” type, I will not measure up. They will be looking for a woman of the same calibre. With another crazy (who may be similarly uber-successful) it may be the same thing.  She may be looking for another “Wonder Woman” but even if she did want to be with me, would it turn into “Mentalness Circus Maximus?” And I’m not simply speaking of the chariot racing done in ancient Rome!

The only relationships that I’ve ever had that have lasted for any recognisable duration have been with the…I don’t know…”in-betweeners?” They haven’t really been mental, they haven’t been uber-successful, they haven’t had any special abilities or talents…I haven’t been physically attracted to them. The only one good thing is that at least they put up with me being a total nutbar and that does take a special person. When someone is prone to Bipolar flip outs and roller coaster rides, ADD spasticness, self harm, self medication…gee, what the hell else am I capable of? I guess my seizures and migraines aren’t such a big deal. They are pretty much under control anyway and don’t make me go off the deep end. Okay, lately there’s been a bit of bizarre increase in moodiness with my migraines but that is neither here, nor there. I am not involved with anyone at the moment, right?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. No, really. I have. It’s been an ongoing pattern in my life–such strong attractions to women that are either terribly unattainable or terribly not good for me and cause me so much strife and pain. The former women leave me heartbroken and the latter women just end up being very unhealthy for me.  Well, in the end they both cause me pain? But still…both are so potent and I can’t help it. I can’t just say, “No! Don’t be attracted!”

I understand we can’t help being attracted to whomever that may just saunter past. Those that may cross our paths, enter our lives but shit, you know? Again, you would think I would have learned something from all of this! Some way to hold back? Some way to put on the brakes and indeed, say, “No!”

The only thing I can say, ‘no’ to is the fact that I can’t say, “No!”

Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers

At work I used to sign up for Medscape newsletters. When I went in to clean up my personal things, I had to change my email and re-sign up for them. I also had to forward quite a few that I hadn’t read since being in hospital last year.

Did something change? I was only receiving one.

When I was redirected to the page to change your information, there were a whole bunch of options to select which ones you would like to receive. They were all based upon this and that area of medicine, anatomy, CMEs (like online training courses for credit–doesn’t mean anything for me as I am not a M.D. but it can be fun to take them *laughing*) So I signed up for all the ones I liked. OMG.

They are just flying into my Inbox.

I currently have 85 sitting there. And I have zero motivation nor concentration to look at them.

Perhaps I should log on and change my subscription settings? I have zero motivation to do that as well…not that it would take concentration. Wait. It would. I’d have to pick and choose all over again. *sigh*

Don’t worry, my two other responders…the posts…I have you, I hear you… Anyone else–I’ll catch you too? Or if anyone takes a look at PA? I’ll get you. No problem. I always respond.

I’m not sure what to say. Merlin #1 was okay today. I mean, how could he not be? He’s a love. I’m…me? My sleep sucks so we’re upping the Seroquel/Quetiapine to 150mg for a bit.

He also said he was looking at my ADD “files” (that I supplied to him) and said, “Well, this isn’t really going to help you with all of the mood stuff too. Your ADD is just adding to it.”

PA Comedy Aside: ADDing to it…groan…

I was, like: ‘No, shit Sherlock.’

But, really. Merlin #1 knows my Bipolar and my ADD and yes, as I told him today–it’s a double-barreled shotgun loaded to my head right now. He didn’t disagree.

I said to him that I still had some of the 25mg tabs so we could use them for the 1,000mg dose that we just prescribed. It took me a minute to realise what I said 1,000MG of Seroquel!

I laughed and said, “Oh, did I say that? Should we get the horse tranquilizers out?!”

He laughed too.

The big question is, why am I sitting listening to my iPod with my headphones on when I have my iTunes collection on my MacBook

Despite technology and PAs body (and you all know it is falling apart–that is PAs body, not technology–if you’ve been reading for long enough anyway) she’s becoming paralytic. Basically?

EDIT: This song could not have hit at a better (or worse?) time for me or a few other bloggers I know and…maybe a post on my mind.

Weird how Shuffle works?

Do you want to know what it is?

Here’s the damn song that I was talking about that made me feel… Well, you’ll just have to wait as all the little boys and girls have their feelings about this one, eh?

You’ll just have to ask PA…maybe she’ll she’ll tell you…?…this time…this moment…and the last time…?

I doubt that I will be able to read any (?) comments that may come in before my appt. tomorrow. It is around midday? Lunchtime?

I spoke with P., my friend whom I met while in hospital in spring of last year. I told him about the cuttings I had done after I had lost my job. He asked me if I had told Merlin #1. I said that I didn’t. P. told me that I should, no matter how awkward, painful and how difficult it may be as it was important to “our” treatment. He said that there were many things that he was reticent to speak to his doctors and psychiatrists about but eventually did because he felt it was necessary for his own health and healing.

I am still hesitant.

I don’t want to tell Merlin #1 about my two cuttings (or attempts or whatever) and furthermore my alcohol consumption since my job loss. There are a couple of reasons for this.

The first is that everything goes on record, in file and I do not like that!

The second is that… Well, after everything went down, my doctors never asked about any of it. That is not to say they are not bad doctors. I love my medical team! However, I did find it strange after such a crisis that such questions were not asked.

However, I did tell my GP about the one cutting due to the wacky (what I believe migraine-drive-me-over-the-edge-possibly-WTF-mood-destabilsation-bullshit.) She just said, “Erm…talk to neuro…? See what he says!” And that’s fair. He is my specialist.

But the other cuttings? *sigh*

The drinking? Oh, come on! When you have a self medication hx with alcohol that goes back 18 years, do you think that losing your job, might just…oh, I don’t know…make you want to drink?

And I know, I know…


Yes. I know.

I’m not getting down on my knees and saying, “Please, can you blame me?” It’s (perhaps) just a simple (point of) fact. And I do applaud each and every one of you who has stopped drinking and who has become sober, regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not. Excellent.

Where I live, someone who has a mental illness and a substance abuse problem, it is called: “A Concurrent Disorder.” Good Bloody God. The last thing I need is to be thrown into some rehab program/hospital (Cue: Amy Winehouse) while I am trying to find a job!

As for meds to “make” me stop drinking? Like my cocktail isn’t pretty enough?

Well, we’ve got Antabuse/Disulfiram. The idea behind this drug is that if you take it and you drink, it should produce some sickly effects, make you feel hungover…blech.

Now if you click on the link and read a bit…oh, my! It acts on Dopamine in a serious way! If you are on stims, you can not take this drug! Oh, yeah. PA on her stims, drinking away and taking Antabuse. Let’s just call the Ambulance right quick!

Then we can move on to Naltrexone. It’s different. It deals with Opiod Receptors that are…whoo! Sorry, kids. A lot more to do with alcohol in terms or substance abuse.

But to keep it short, Antabuse will (or should) make you feel like shit when you’re sitting a pub drinking down your first pint and Naltrexone should keep you from wanting to drink at all.

As far as my interactions with Naltrexone? Probably fine (I’m not doing an interaction checker–piss off…) I’m not going on it anyway. Fer bloody sakes! My meds plus the booze are probably more than enough without adding another synthetic chemical, eh?

And I still hear you…

I told you CheddER come and get me…

Depressive, Crashy Crashy yesterday.  One of those “didn’t want to get out of bed all day’ers.”  You probably wouldn’t have known from my blog.  The clothing post and all of that.

I did get out of bed (finally.)  With great resistance and strength to beat that resistance, I took my meds.  I know.  Ever have one of those Depressive, Crashy Crashies where you don’t even give a shit about your meds? That is not like PA.  She is completely med compliant.

So after finally getting up and having some tea, making her blog post, responding v…e…r…y s…l…o…w…l…y to some emails (or was it the other way around (?) it was maybe early evening time.  By all accounts, suitably a decent enough time to crawl back into bed.  Early enough to take sleepy meds? Sure, why not? You don’t want to be awake and face the world, anyway.

I slept for about…well, less than two hours or so.  Damn.  I can’t sleep.  ADD “Buzzy Brain,” I call it.  Oh, wait…raging insomnia on it’s way.

I started to feel incredibly restless, anxious.  Oh, please…please do not let me start heading into Mixed State Land.  I really don’t think I can deal with this right now.  That last sentence sounds so funny, doesn’t it? Like a Mixed State is just such an “inconvenience.”  Like your mother calling you on the telephone while you are trying to make dinner.

I wasn’t sure so I popped a Valium/Diazepam to hopefully ward of anything coming in my direction.  Still unable to sleep I decided to watch some television.  The clock ticked away…closer to a more appropriate bedtime? I still was still not sleepy so some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate to do the job? That can usually knock me out.

Nope.  I felt a bit more relaxed, to be sure but…  Hell! I packed everything in! I still have some of my Imovane/Zopiclone hanging around but PA! Let’s not go overboard! At least the Gravol is OTC!

So, I tried to go bed and sleep anyway.  They say that if you can’t sleep and it’s insomnia central, get up and out of bed and do something a bit relaxing and not too stimulating for a short while.  No…to depressed to care to, thank you very much.

I don’t know what time it was when I finally did manage to achieve my broken, fitful sleep.  There are too many things on my mind right now regarding finding work.  The clock is ticking there too.  I am extremely frightened of the future.  I am extremely uncomfortable and agitated.  I am trying to do things that will occupy my mind and time.  There is something coming up…I am currently awaiting a telephone call.  I have found a place that can offer me some assistance in my searching and some other things but that still does not calm me.  In fact, it makes me more frightened and agitated!

But it must be done.  Everything must be done.

I still feel like shit today.  Come on phone, ring! There is nothing like waiting for a phone call that already has you freaking out and you just have to sit and sit and wait.  It just compounds things.

Fuck me all to hell.

You’d think from my last two posts I’ve been super, crazy busy. Well, I feel like it today…like I’ve been hit by a truck. Oh well.

So, Saturday afternoon I spent a significant portion of time cleaning out my closet. What can I toss to a second hand store, what still fits in the business attire department. I now have three, large, black trashbags awaiting to be taken…well, somewhere. And speaking of black, I realised that I have about 57 pairs of black pants. Hmmm. Well, black never goes out of style?

I shall have to call Grocery Man for his car (and his lovely company, of course.) Three bags. Do I sound like a clothes horse? Heh. Wait until Sunday’s “excitement!” I think I am well on my way to becoming a clothes horse…

Interestingly enough, my business suits still fit. More or less? Have I gained a bit or weight? Some jackets (well, all except one I have that is very tailored) seem a bit large on my frame but better to be too large than too small, right? The pants? Well, they are dress pants so they can afford to be a bit loose and baggy. As long as they are alright in the waist? However, I need a new belt. I hauled out an old Kenneth Cole one that I used to wear years ago and it’s in decent condition but the silver buckle is a bit scratched and worn.

Most of the stuff I threw out was casual wear but I did find a couple of “dress” items that were just hideous! I was like, ‘I used to wear that? Taste, PA! Taste!’ Well, I guess it passed back then but blech! So, at least for suits, I seem to have a good enough arsenal to get me by. For now?

That kind of got me itching to go shopping the next day. Strange. For someone who does not like shopping, strange indeed! I do like second hand stores, though. So that is exactly where I went. To a pretty decent one close by to where I live.

Woo! I went a little crazy–and girly! I bought eight tops, four skirts and…oh, wow…these awesome Nine West boots. Now, it might sound a little icky to buy second hand footwear but I see it this way (and I have done it once before.) If the brand is really high end, then presumably the person had the money to buy the shoes? Now, it may be a leap but if they had the money, then they took care of themselves? Their feet were okay?

Regardless, they were in mint condition, you can still smell the leather…and well, if I get some kind of weird foot fungus or disease, I’ll have it treated, fumigate the boots, get some insoles…whatever!

I’m not one of those women who have crazy shoe fetishes but I do like to have nice footwear. And I have loved Nine West forever. Their shoes just fit me perfectly. And give me a break. These were $15CDN! What do you think they would go for in the store brand new?

And oh yes, I bought a kilt too! I just couldn’t help it. I don’t know if that is/will be (WTF…) suitable for where I may end up working (or if any of this stuff is) but I have loved kilts ever since I wore them as a teenager. And no, I didn’t wear a school uniform. I just love/d kilts!

Another funny thing, too. All of the skirts that were tiny–size two, four and all of that–PA’s sizes were up on the top rack! I was laughing so hard on my tippy toes trying to reach them! Why wouldn’t you put them on the lower rack for the tiny, little, short gals?

So, here is a pic of one of the glorious boots. And I still need to do more shopping based upon what I bought Sunday. And “new” things. Lingerie…I mean, you certainly can’t get that in a second hand store. No, I’d never go that far even if they did sell it there!

…lots to say in more than one post but since this one is past deadline and I may (will!) set it “back in time…”

Okay, quickly, right…? I hate being over deadline. Nothing worse than that.

Hair: Working on. My second attempt at styling was today and still… Errrmmmmm………

Clothing: Heh. Fun post. Yes, wait for that one.

Work Stuff: Coming…that’s a toughie but it is coming. What more can I say than that?

My Life: …?…

Again, what can I say about that?

But the clothes/clothing post is/will be funny?

Let’s just just say PA is becoming a girl? Well, she is a girl but…

I’ll try to get to my next “Vanity Post” tomorrow. *laughing*  No, seriously! PA went shopping today!

She’s gettin’ girly…