Archive for June, 2008

I had a dream this morning. After said dream, I really could not get out of bed and slept for several more…hours? Rarely do I remember my dreams and if so, they are hazy afterward but this is the gist of it with a bit of a preamble.

Most of you know I did not finish my B.A. (aka Bugger All.) I have made several attempts at some form of Post Secondary education and all have been disastrous due to my mentalness. The best I ever did was attempt number two. I feel this is a shortcoming. I do wish I did finish it even though…Bugger All? I could have gone on to a M.A.? A Ph.D? *sigh*

So yes, Bipolar and ADD in full swing and I just dropped out! I was so wingy. I didn’t find uni. all that difficult. Bipolar makes you almost superhuman in some pursuits and in many cases, I really didn’t work that hard and achieved good marks–a couple of A+ finals that made me laugh. Also, even funnier, I went to a couple of final exams completely pissed drunk. With one of them, my final mark actually increased to the next tier.

I was untreated at the time and no symptoms of Depression. In fact, even though Bipolar and ADD can be so similar, in the beginning, the Bipolar was winning the race but in the end, perhaps, the ADD (and the combined) Bipolar impulsivity just sealed the deal.

I sold basically all of my textbooks back to the uni. bookstore for poor students like me. You could buy them second hand. I threw out all of my papers (ouch!) I still miss them to this day.

So on to the dream. A real downer and pretty odd?

I was where I am now (or slightly into the future.) Pathetic, jobless and needing to live with my parents. NOTE: the plural. My mother and non-bio dad were still together. That is definitely an “odd” part! We were driving home from “somewhere,” past all of these palatial estates to this dilapidated shack we lived in. I swear, it was a cross between “Deliverance” and “Little House on the Prairie.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it? At least from what I can remember? I suppose there really is no need for any “Dream Interpretation,” here. It’s fairly obvious.

So, after not wanting to get up at all and face “the real world,” I realised I must. Normal routine. Meds, make a tea, sit outside (thankfully, the rain had stopped.) Light a cigarette and try to not think about how awful I was feeling. All of the sudden I start to gag. Oh, fuck. Here we go…anxiety is peaking. I finish my tea and put the kettle on to make another. While waiting for the water to boil, I dash to the bathroom to pop a Valium. Certainly needed!

So much for the Vomit Trauma. As soon as I took my Valium, up comes everything, right into the sink. Charming. I immediately took another Valium as I feared I lost the one I just tossed down my throat. Off goes the kettle and maybe another tea later?

Alright. A nice hot shower to try and wash off all of the shittiness I feel. Who cares about my hair, brush it back into a ponytail and shove it under a ball cap. When I get out of the shower, I hear this continual beeping noise. My smoke detector is sounding like a hypomanic sparrow. *sigh* The battery needs to be changed? But bugger! I’m so short and I don’t have any kind of ladder! I grab my ottoman. Nope. There’s a counter nearby. Let’s jump on that. It works. Barely. The “Test” button makes it now been like a full on manic sparrow but…fuck, whatever. The back is like Fort Knox but I eventually get it open. As suspected, it’s a 9 Volt which of course I do not have. Who stocks 9 Volt batteries in their homes these days?

I toss it on the counter–hoping silently in my idiotic state I somehow don’t burn my flat down (and subsequently the rest of the house.)

I should be out running errands but I wanted to write this post as it may help by “puking things out.” *PA rolls eyes* I need to do some work to try and find a job but obviously I feel like hell.

Laundry. There’s an ongoing “goal.” It’s simple enough as it really does itself.

Another ongoing goal? I still haven’t made my bed. No. I have definitely beaten my own record on the Nutcase Bed Poll for sure! The last time I checked (see right sidebar) the total votes were at 30?

Come on, PA Mushy-Head. Just do something! Besides your damn laundry, that is.

It’s been a long time since this has happened. Years, in fact. I’ve known this man for a brief period and we have established a friendship–a good one. Hmmm…

This is a bit dicey. Actually, what I am going to say next; this may be a bit dicey too?

Women are (or can be) very emotional. Men? Well, sure. They can be too but in my experience in terms of “sex” and sexual attraction and relationships? Not the same. I don’t like to make generalisations but…?

Sorry. This may sound terrible but women are so much more emotional than men. However, as a caveat, I will admit that I am extremely more emotional when it comes to sexual or romantic relationships (as a woman?)

So I went out to dinner with my friend. Whom I am apparently his object of attraction. This was not “news.” There is a “history,” if you will. He is…well, a bit of a “high performer.” I won’t say “Type A.” Do you know where I am going?

Maybe not.

Basically, he needs a good spanking…

PA can do that. We both know that. Not that BDSM involves sex. No. However, he’s really…oh…fuck. Yes, “fuck.” Yes, he’d really like to “go the distance.” But he knows that PA is gay and she’d never sleep with him.

I’m no stranger to the BDSM “Scene.” Many reasons for that…long story…but ultimately I fell into it by accident. Nonetheless, I was an observer at the clubs but it is still a part of me. Yes, oooh…aaah…PA has a penchant for BDSM! Shall we all fall over and die???

I am really a submissive. That is when (gee, I wish?) I am with a woman but I can and also be a “switch.” Also with a woman. I will Dominate her. That thrills me as well.

With a man? It can depend upon certain factors and again…everything always needs to be negotiated. The Cardinal Rules are: Safe, Sane and Consensual.

However, I’ve always found men are so easy…

Example. To start? This might work.

“Get down on your knees you pathetic piece of shit!”

Oh, boy!


Why can’t I find a girl to play with me like this?

I don’t hallucinate.

Have I ever? *PA thinks*

Except from some DP/DR (whichever you wish to phrase), and other symptoms as per my Simple Partial Seizures, they are definitely of a psychic phenomena but I have never hallucinated.

So, to the voices. It is hard to explain as I am sure it is for others as well. Or maybe it is not hard for them to explain. I do not know. This is foreign territory for me and as I always say, everyone is different.

It happened kind of quickly. It’s hard for me to remember now. It was a distinct language. That is for sure. I was a little unnerved at first. I don’t know if I was frightened or not. Surprised? Maybe just trying to grasp and understand and blown away at the same time? I mean, you know PA. She KNOWS she hears shit. When she’s hearing voices, she’s hearing voices…or sounds or whatever?

So listen…releax…the(ir) language and communication…it slowed down and then it eventually stopped.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It doesn’t really matter, though. It’s not real. It was just some brain malfunction that “made me hear voices.” Be it the stress I’m under, having alcohol. Both.

Still…as I said above, I am not one to hallucinate. I’ve now gotten a taste of it so for those of you that do…I get it, at least, a part of it.

And does it make your tummy ache? PAs tummy is hurting really, really bad. That could just be her tummy troubles and nothing to do with her head troubles above.

POSTSCRIPT: Merlin #1…? Tell at next appointment? I don’t hallucinate.  I have no hx at all.  Isolated incident? If other incidents occur then mention? I may have to think about this one.  And of course–ask for your opinions out there.  Always interested but I think sparky PA knows what she’s going to do…

Sorry Quick

Still can’t get it together…working on…sorry…


Oh, I’m paying for it now.

Mood =

I’ve even been contemplating cutting! Oh, for joy!

I’m trying to ascertain if I had a bit of mood cycling, winginess over the last 24 hours but does it really matter? For here is where I sit. Stuck. Last night is over. Still, I was either pretty ADD hyper or Bipolar hypomanic. My energy levels just seemed way out of range. Hell, I could have been both! I’m not kidding. Let’s hear it for the fun of comorbidities. However, now that I’ve plummeted…? Ugh.

I’ve just taken my sleep meds and it’s ridiculously early. Don’t know what to do with myself (except keep screaming in my head what an absolute asshole I am.) I know, I know…maybe a lot of you reading out there might be joining in as the chorus?

I’ve also got good old “Mercyfuck” by Mary Prankster ringing away as a non-stop earworm as well. It’s a great one when you feel you’ve completely screwed everything all to hell and the world totally blows. It must surely hold the world’s record for someone singing/saying, “Fuck” the most times in any single song. No…Mary says, “Fuck” a lot in it. It’s a great song, though. I’d actually listen to it but it would just make me more depressed.

There’s no point. I mean, “fuck,” I’ve got it memorised anyway!

I could write more but it’s all rather muddled and pointless at the moment. And yes…comments pending. One of Anna’s is a bit longer so I would like to be clear for that.

…that’s all I’m gonna say..

I thought I’d better toss this up now as at least I’m awake.  WTF time did I go to bed last night? I sent someone an email at around 0400hrs and then had something to eat and watched some television.  Good, lord.

So apologies.  I’ll try to get back to your comments today but I don’t know where the hell I may end up between now and midnight (don’t worry, I’m staying home…)  I’m too exhausted to move anyway.  I’m serious.  My entire body is aching, my throat is sore, my head is all stuffy.  So, I’m sorry if you don’t hear from me other than this.  I’m not ignoring you.

I couldn’t make my appointment at “Fix Me Up.”  Now for that, I am truly sorry.  I’m kind of wondering if it even mattered (matters?) that much as everything’s getting all screwy there.  People are taking summer time off and I’m sort of left scratching my head.  Where do I stand? Am I “ready?” Huh…?  I did at least send in my information via email.  My coach said she’d try and get back to me.  You see? I don’t know what’s going on.

I was thinking about going in tomorrow after Merlin #1 but if there’s no one to really speak to or ask questions…  I can’t even think about anything right now.

I can’t deal with this stress bullshit anymore. *PA rolls eyes*

Fucking drinking. *PA rolls eyes again*

I want to kick my genes in the ass (haha…get it?) I know, not funny.  There’s a boatload of alcoholism on my maternal side (like my head lunacy wasn’t enough already?) I don’t know about my bio dad but probably not being a poor man whose family was totally poor as he supported them in Pakistan.  I’ve never met him as I was conceived there and born in Canada.

Anyway, not that I lay all the “blame” on genetic material.  I am responsible for what I do.  I just think it makes it all the damn harder for me to stop once I start.  Nothing has been proven about that rather pointed fact but the theory is definitely out there.  And you certainly can’t dismiss the notion entirely of a genetic component for alcoholism.

Before I begin with my little story (that gave me a good laugh), I will say that opposed to yesterday, I really gave the boots to both myself and the work that I needed to get done. I spent at least five to six hours working straight (minus a couple of tea breaks sitting outside) completing all the stuff that I meant to do over the weekend.

Still. So much more to do. At least I got caught up on what I was supposed to do. There’s at least one more thing that I need to do before tomorrow. Answer some rather pointed questions before I meet with one of the coaches at “Fix Me Up” tomorrow. I started to make a list of answers before I just said, “Fix ME Up” and strolled down to the pub where I currently am right now. Awww, come on guys! After ramming it for several hours straight, I deserve just a bit of beer as a reward? Right? Huh?

So, I’m kickin’ it with my iPod on and typin’ and bouncin’ like a wee ADD freakzoid because…erm…yeah. I very well and rightly so got into hyperfocus mode and I’m still, jolly well there! No, you should see me. You should see my typical ADD “bouncy leg.” People must be thinking WTF?!?!?! PA.No.Care

Alright, on with the story. Has everyone out there heard of Double Bubble chewing gum? According to the wiki link it’s sold in 50 countries so I think most of you know it?

Anyway, I was out one evening and I saw…well? If you are familiar with it, you should know about its comic strip history? I espied…oh, a Double Bubble comic “stuck” to a bench.  And NO, it wasn’t stuck to the bench with a piece of Double Bubble.

I immediately recognised it and it took me right back to childhood.  I mean, talk about marketing! Get the kids to buy your shitty gum (and believe me it was shitty–and probably still is) by adding a little surprise inside! So, I picked it up and I swear to god…it was just perfect for me after the “shitty” day I had!

The character, “Pud,” who came along in 1950 after a couple of the originals, was sitting at his computer.  He was on the phone calling: “Tech Support.”  What was he saying?

“Tech Support? My computer has a WEDGIE!”

On his screen were all of these squiggly lines that ran from corner to corner and were pinched in the middle! Oh, hahaha! Geeky PA sure got a giggle.  But it gets better in how it cheered her up.  It was almost like a “Fortune Cookie.”  There was a little message underneath the cartoon.  It said…

“Your Double Bubble Fortune: A Smile A Day Keeps Worry Away.”

Well, I will tell you that it certainly gave me a smile that day! I still have it.  I’m keeping it.  Especially now since I’ve made a post about it. *laughing*

Oh, dear. This is shameful. I have been completely ineffective today. In fact, I am so ineffective all you are getting is a YouTube. There isn’t even a point to me writing out my “oh-so-tiny” list of things that I actually did do today.

I’ve really got to get at it tomorrow. ARGH!

I thought the footage used for this was just excellent for the song.

Work Hard by Depeche Mode

I was extended an invitation to a function held by my ex-employer today.  I know, it sounds strange but the details are of minimal importance, if of any at all.  I didn’t know if I should go.  I finally decided that it would be first, a good opportunity to say goodbye to some folks that might be there (that I never got around to doing) and second, a chance to: “Network.”  I am beginning to loathe that word.  Still, the people there know me so even if I sounded like a blithering idiot (not an uncommon experience) it would probably be alright?

Confession? When I woke up this morning, I cried.  Who would I see? All the lovely and beautiful people that I met over my years there.  I was right fucked.  I had a feeling I would cry.  I mean, all of the “Networking” was going to bad enough but…the people that I had so much fun with, I had grown to love.  It sounds funny.  Do you love the people you work with? Well, maybe on some level you do.

Guess what? It was a two-Valium/Diazepam day.  No doubt.

I made it though.  It wasn’t a long function.  And the room cleared fairly quickly.  PA worked the room as quickly as she could.  There was alcohol (and non-alcoholic beverages) but she needed her hands free to shake others’ hands and reach for her cards.  And yes, arms free too for lots of huggies and kissies for wee, PA.

I told you.  The place was and is great.  Now you may understand my tears from this morning? If I may say so, PA was pretty well respected.  In fact, another peer (a lovely, lovely woman–who volunteered to toss contacts her way whenever she could!) asked her/suggested…rather emotional day? I admitted that, yes, I did cry in the morning.

So, who knows? I mean, one guy–after it all went down and I told him–he’s my age, a manager, offered to be a personal reference! Right off the bat.  PA gobsmacked.  I gave him my card tonight when I saw him again.  Another guy I saw tonight said he’s going on vacation but when he gets back, we’ll go for lunch and speak further.

The woman who I told that I cried? She is very well connected.  Auto-Network-Connect.  I didn’t even have to ask.  Ditto another “Super Woman” in the Marketing Department.

Some? Fuck, me.  Again, they know me but did I stretch too far? I have legitimate relationships with “the Big Guns” so I went after them too.  Good grief.  Well, why the hell not? What have I got to lose? I’ve lost it all already, right?

Some time ago, I wrote this post about showing your scars in public but that is not what I am referring to here. What I am asking is, in terms of a physical feeling, do they ever bother you, irritate you or can you feel anything from them at all? Initially, the feelings will be felt internally but then of course your brain will interpret them as external sensations.

What I have been noticing lately is that I am experiencing this with definitely my most recent cutting/scar that was done in late winter of this year and to a lesser degree, my first that required reconstructive surgery as I severed three quarters of my median nerve. It’s been a running joke (albeit not a very funny one?) that I became a very poor amateur surgeon myself as I only cut the nerve and no major arteries or veins. All of the medical staff at the hospital were in disbelief and even my Hands and Plastics Surgeon was shocked.

Nerves. It’s all about the nerves is what I am going to say.

I am feeling some vague sensations of pain, itching. That’s about it. It reminds me of what I believe I had called Postherpetic Neuralgia. Now don’t misunderstand, here, people. PA doesn’t have “Herpes.” No, Postherpetic Neuralgia is caused when you contract the virus called the Varicella Zoster Virus. That will bring on Chicken Pox in kids and Shingles (aka Herpes Zoster) in adults. The Postherpetic Neuralgia commonly follows the Herpes Zoster. Or at least it did with me?

It was bad, too. My concentrated outbreak of Herpes Zoster was all over my neck and shoulders. It was (and is) very painful. I don’t remember much of it but I was told that I just laid there a lot of the time and cried and cried. I was around 15 years old? I was covered in tonnes and tonnes of blisters and you just had to wait for them to go away. Lots and lots of Calamine was pretty much the only thing to use and some minor painkillers? It’s a virus so no antibiotics.

Afterward, the Postherpetic Neuralgia hit. Similar to now but perhaps worse due to the larger area of my skin affected. A vague pain and itch that you just can’t make “go away!”

So on to the nerves. Well with the first cutting I did, it is quite obvious a nerve (and a damn important one!) was damaged. I am still lacking a bit of feeling in my hand and some fingers but the surgeon told me that it might not be 100%. Fair enough. However, with my most recent cutting, I didn’t go deep enough to hit a major nerve. This is what I think happened, though. I think I may have knocked out some of my C Fibers with my knife.

This is where it gets kind of interesting. C Fibers have free nerve endings called Nocioceptors. If you don’t read the aforementioned link, Nocioceptors are pain sensing receptors that are involved in Neuropathy and/or Neuralgia. You see where I’m going with this?

Within the C Fiber link, it actually states their role briefly in Neuropathic Pain. “Trauma” is listed, so therein fits my cutting? Even more specifically for me because of feeling the pain and itchiness, well basic Nocioceptor, I suppose, and then the “Ultra-Slow Histamine-Receptive C Fiber” for itchiness.

Anybody else think this is neat or am I geeking out too much, here? I kind of thought the Histamine part was interesting. Treatment for Neuropathy and Neuralgia can involve Antidepressants and Anticonvulstants. Hmmm…some Histamine receptor stuff going on?

Now, just to wrap this all up, when I was experiencing the Postherpetic Neuralgia, I was always very stressed and tired. I am extremely stressed and tired now. I was not experiencing these feelings from my cuttings and/or scars prior to losing my job. As you all know (or do now), I am a very strong believer in the mind-body connection. I am reading what seems to be a good book on it now but I have just started. So perhaps a review will be in order later.

So, yes. I am going to take a stance right now–and it really may not be that ridiculous however a lot of the medical community balks at the mind-body connection. Stress is a definite trigger to Neuralgia/Neuropathy. Can anyone else out there relate?