Not a Good Start to My Day


I had a dream this morning. After said dream, I really could not get out of bed and slept for several more…hours? Rarely do I remember my dreams and if so, they are hazy afterward but this is the gist of it with a bit of a preamble.

Most of you know I did not finish my B.A. (aka Bugger All.) I have made several attempts at some form of Post Secondary education and all have been disastrous due to my mentalness. The best I ever did was attempt number two. I feel this is a shortcoming. I do wish I did finish it even though…Bugger All? I could have gone on to a M.A.? A Ph.D? *sigh*

So yes, Bipolar and ADD in full swing and I just dropped out! I was so wingy. I didn’t find uni. all that difficult. Bipolar makes you almost superhuman in some pursuits and in many cases, I really didn’t work that hard and achieved good marks–a couple of A+ finals that made me laugh. Also, even funnier, I went to a couple of final exams completely pissed drunk. With one of them, my final mark actually increased to the next tier.

I was untreated at the time and no symptoms of Depression. In fact, even though Bipolar and ADD can be so similar, in the beginning, the Bipolar was winning the race but in the end, perhaps, the ADD (and the combined) Bipolar impulsivity just sealed the deal.

I sold basically all of my textbooks back to the uni. bookstore for poor students like me. You could buy them second hand. I threw out all of my papers (ouch!) I still miss them to this day.

So on to the dream. A real downer and pretty odd?

I was where I am now (or slightly into the future.) Pathetic, jobless and needing to live with my parents. NOTE: the plural. My mother and non-bio dad were still together. That is definitely an “odd” part! We were driving home from “somewhere,” past all of these palatial estates to this dilapidated shack we lived in. I swear, it was a cross between “Deliverance” and “Little House on the Prairie.”

I don’t know. I guess that’s it? At least from what I can remember? I suppose there really is no need for any “Dream Interpretation,” here. It’s fairly obvious.

So, after not wanting to get up at all and face “the real world,” I realised I must. Normal routine. Meds, make a tea, sit outside (thankfully, the rain had stopped.) Light a cigarette and try to not think about how awful I was feeling. All of the sudden I start to gag. Oh, fuck. Here we go…anxiety is peaking. I finish my tea and put the kettle on to make another. While waiting for the water to boil, I dash to the bathroom to pop a Valium. Certainly needed!

So much for the Vomit Trauma. As soon as I took my Valium, up comes everything, right into the sink. Charming. I immediately took another Valium as I feared I lost the one I just tossed down my throat. Off goes the kettle and maybe another tea later?

Alright. A nice hot shower to try and wash off all of the shittiness I feel. Who cares about my hair, brush it back into a ponytail and shove it under a ball cap. When I get out of the shower, I hear this continual beeping noise. My smoke detector is sounding like a hypomanic sparrow. *sigh* The battery needs to be changed? But bugger! I’m so short and I don’t have any kind of ladder! I grab my ottoman. Nope. There’s a counter nearby. Let’s jump on that. It works. Barely. The “Test” button makes it now been like a full on manic sparrow but…fuck, whatever. The back is like Fort Knox but I eventually get it open. As suspected, it’s a 9 Volt which of course I do not have. Who stocks 9 Volt batteries in their homes these days?

I toss it on the counter–hoping silently in my idiotic state I somehow don’t burn my flat down (and subsequently the rest of the house.)

I should be out running errands but I wanted to write this post as it may help by “puking things out.” *PA rolls eyes* I need to do some work to try and find a job but obviously I feel like hell.

Laundry. There’s an ongoing “goal.” It’s simple enough as it really does itself.

Another ongoing goal? I still haven’t made my bed. No. I have definitely beaten my own record on the Nutcase Bed Poll for sure! The last time I checked (see right sidebar) the total votes were at 30?

Come on, PA Mushy-Head. Just do something! Besides your damn laundry, that is.


  1. Sometimes all we can do is hang-on PA. You know that.

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  2. titaniumrose

    At least you did finally get out of bed and get showered – there were days when just doing that much was considered a major victory around here. Hell, what am I saying, I still consider that a major victory! Take it one day at a time. It all happens for a reason.

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  3. One step at a time… we can climb Mt. Washmore together. ;-) I have a tonne that needs to get cleaned and put away. Want to do a laundry race? ;-)

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  4. Please stop vomiting. Especially when I’m reading.

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  5. misterbooks

    One step at a time, like BTM says, and one sock at a time, like misterbooks sez.
    Peace.

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  6. Ditto what everyone else sys, these things do take time and you cn only tke one step at a time, you know th whole dont run before you can walk thing. Hannah X

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  7. Hi Greybeard, good to see you. Thanks, as always, love.

    Hi titainiumrose, thank you for your support. You are right that, definitely, sometimes getting out of bed and having a shower is a major victory!

    Hi mom, yes…we both seem to have an ongoing “laundry race,” don’t we? I think we’re both in tandem and the fact that laundry just forever piles up! *PA rolls eyes*

    Hi darkentries, good to see you too, doll. I’m sorry. Believe me…I don’t want to throw up anymore, either!

    Hi misterbooks. I like “one sock at a time.” That’s really good. PA has sensitive feet so socks are imperative for her!

    Hi colouredmind, welcome to my blog as I don’t believe I have seen you here before. Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your support as well and you are right. Like any kind of “marathoner” (which I don’t expect to be anyway), you need to train first.

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  8. sodajerk

    i think the fact you actually keep on posting is a very good sign.

    offer of a free holiday still open for the next 6 months,you have to get to Scotland,but after that………..

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  9. Hi sodajerk, good to see you. Well, nothing like Blog365 to give you some motivation, perhaps? At least it does give me something to do every day!

    Actually, speaking of that…funny. In my last comment to Symbiosis, I said that I was struggling a bit (well, in reality, now thinking more at the moment– not just a bit.) This is due to the fact that I am lacking structure. Having a job has always given me that. A focus, a reason to get up, get organised, a routine… Without that I am really falling behind in “life.”

    I think I may have mentioned before in a post that I feel rather like I did a year ago when I came out of hospital and I wasn’t suitable to go back to work. It took a while but I did get there eventually.

    Now? Well, supposedly I am suitable but I have a “fear” about it. Dammit! I suggested writing a post surrounding this kind of stuff in my same comment to her and I’m kind of tackling it here!

    This is what you get for me jumping on my blog without having any tea first! I was up way too late (again!) last night but at least I got enough sleep to feel rested.

    However, another point in favour of my life not being on track? My sleep schedule is completely fucked. I did at least have a good time last night! And for sodajerk and everyone else reading, there was no alcohol involved! *laughing*

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